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groundedParticipant
Hi Anita,
I think so, i just keep getting hurt in the process. I’m not sure what giving up and letting go of the idea of resuming a partnership with him looks like or how to do it. I feel like I am losing my sense of belonging and my friend group as well as losing him because I don’t feel strong enough to see him and know that he doesn’t want me/ can’t be with me so I have not been attending group events. I think i have accepted that RIGHT NOW he’s not able to, but i keep hoping in the future maybe who knows so I don’t want to delete him from social media and erase my existence from the friend group. How do I give up and let go of the idea of being together with him?
groundedParticipantHi,
I go back and forth between being angry at my ex for how he is treating me / how he is behaving (and i know i’m just putting myself in victim mode) and wanting to hear from him and being hopeful. I know that I deserve someone who wants to be with me, and I don’t know what he wants (maybe two weeks of silence means he’s a) respecting my space or b)moved on and doesn’t want me).
I started typing out a message to him yesterday, but then deleted it before sending it. I guess he saw it and sent a message. I haven’t opened it yet since he can see when I have read it and i’m not sure what to say or what I want.
I feel neglected by the group of friends, they do invite me to things, but the dynamic is different, even though i am isolating myself as i have not attended events because I do not want to see my ex. I know that I should just go and who cares if he is there, but it’s not that easy and i’m not sure if its worth it. I feel cheated on like they have won him and i lost him and i’m mad and angry, jealous and sad often.
I’m feeling so confused in myself that i’m not sure what to do. Be friendly? Block and Delete him and make it awkward? Ignore him? Try to be in his life again? I’m afraid.
February 1, 2019 at 8:14 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #278051groundedParticipantHi Shelbyville,
Thank you for responding and being there for me! I agree with you that he’s messed up in the head and that he is figuring things out right now and it’s not a good time to be in a relationship, I think he’s trying to see how it affects me by still trying to include me in larger events, but not realizing that I find out about all the other stuff too. I wish he would just mature and grow up and work on himself, but one can only hope. It seems that things have settled down for him a bit, (i’m not sure if he’s on or off dating sites) but he’s spending more time alone from what I can tell as our friends have gotten busier.
The hardest part for me is hoping that he will reach out and he will message me and update me on his life and where he is at. I know that this is out of my control, but everyday goes by and i have the same hope that maybe today i’ll hear from him.
I’m also still feeling blue, crying often but going about my day and doing activities while feeling lonely and alone. I am having a hard time not judging myself for wanting to be with someone who so clearly doesn’t want me and isn’t being respectful to me.
January 30, 2019 at 1:14 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #277797groundedParticipantHi All,
I can relate so much. Here is my story:
Thanks so much for listening. I have been stuck in my head and I donāt know what to do anymore. My head and heart are conflicted.
We broke up in November. we broke up (I honestly canāt even really remember) but because we werenāt happy, he was struggling with self worth and self esteem and wasnāt able to take care of me and didnāt feel good enough. we said that in order to be in a relationship he needed to be happy on his own first. Thatās all I can remember, because everything has changed so much. So I donāt even know if thatās even why we broke up. He didnāt have a job for almost a year, he just got employed in November but hates his job, he applied for the military but isnāt sure what he wants to do. We were living together but in October I moved out because thatās what we agreed upon and his lease was up in December and I took some space and time to heal. I was doing okay by mid-December so when he asked to see me to show me his new apartment and for me to pick up some stuff I agreed. I acted very casual, but he was flirting and touching me and said we should go out for drinks, he talked the whole night and then kissed me in public and said he missed me and all that, and we ended up having sex. We parted ways and then between Christmas and New Years he talked to me, flirted with me and it was great! On new years I saw him again and he chased me all night, I told him I was going to go home and he asked me to come over to his place, so I did. We had sex again that night and in the morning. Then we watched some tv and hung out, he asked about my life and then I left. After that he seemed a little distant so I gave him some space.
A couple days later I found out that heās on dating sites. When he invited me over on Monday jan 7th to watch a movie at his place, I went, we had fun, he was being flirty and kissy but I kept my distance and before I left I told him that I really like spending time with him and that this is super fun but that I found out heās on dating sites and that hurt me and left me confused. I told him that he canāt have his cake and eat it too and if he wanted options then I couldnāt be one. He asked if we could continue being exclusive and he could still go on dating sites and I said no, I wasnāt going to sleep with him until he found something better that came along. I told him again that if he wanted options then I wasnāt one and that I wanted to be exclusive. I told him I thought dating sites were not good for him and he said he was using them for self esteem and validation. I told him I wasnāt on dating sites because thatās not what Iām looking for and I couldnāt do it right now. It was late so he said he would sleep on it/ think about it. I left his place. I regret not kissing him goodbye, but oh well.
That was on January 7th. I didnāt hear from him for a few days. Then I had to accept an etransfer from him before it expired. He texted me saying he got an email saying I accepted the money. I said thanks.
Side note: we have the same friend group, we play sports together like frisbee and softball and we have all the same friends (every single one). So we have multiple Facebook group chats and Snapchat group chats.
Then later that week a friend posted in a group chat sayin we should do an escape room. I private message her and tell her Iām in. Later that same week my ex posted in the same Facebook group chat that Iām also in saying that we should all do a pub crawl soon.
I message my friend asking if she knows what this pub crawl is, and she says that sheās been planning it with my ex. I told her that I was starting to feel sad not being invited/ knowing about it. Saturday night I get a text from my ex saying that
āHey, just wanted to let you know that I wouldn’t organize and post in a group you’re in about a pub crawl and not invite you!! ?ā and āAlso, you’re in the group so if it ever gets organized you’re invited!ā
I reply saying thanks. He then responds with: āAlso, text Melissa. She’s lonely ?ā (Melissa is another mutual friend)
I didnāt reply as I was seeing Melissa that night anyways. I found out that my ex (Ben) had every single one of our friends over to his apartment on Saturday night and didnāt invite me. While I understand not being invited I didnāt appreciate getting a text saying I was invited if it was posted in the group. It hurt and felt like his actions were mean.
It also hurt that no one else had the guts to tell me what was happening and I feel like everyone (or most people) are going behind my back and I thought they were my friends too.
On the Wednesday of the following week, the escape room happens. I post saying I canāt make it since I have other plans and I get a text from Ben saying: ā Hey that sucks you can’t make it on Wednesday. I know you’ve wanted to do one for so long. Is it because of me? I can sit it out!ā
It felt like a pity text, and he was being nice.. but it also hurt. Why is he still texting me? I didnāt reply to his message. I had other plans and didnāt want to see him, Iām a little angry and hurt and confused by all this.
Ben has been hanging out with our mutual friend Bryson a lot. Bryson and I used to be close but now I hardly hear from him and I donāt think Bryson is the best influence. A lot of my other friends donāt really like him so Iāve tried to maintain my distance, but Ben and Bryson seem to host a lot of the events in our group and I feel like I need to be friends with Bryson to be in the group.
Ben has also (according to friends) been bragging about his girls and being on dating sites and drinking often. I donāt ofcourse know any of this, but it looks like he is having the time of his life.
Thursday of this week I get another text from Ben. It says: You were right about the dating apps. Stupid. Deleted them all.
Last night: Ben sent a snap to the group (I havenāt opened it) but my friend said it was a picture of him with a cat, he was drunk. He knows Iām in the group.
Then he posted a picture on Instagram and updated his profile.. he never ever used to go on Instagram when we were together, it seems like he just re-downloaded it this week.
I donāt know why Ben is messaging me those things and I am torn between moving on and just forgetting him and deleting him and all our friends and starting over from 0, but I really do love him and care about him and I know he has to figure things out, but I donāt want to be played and I still kind of hope that heāll want me back as embarrassing as that may be.
I didnāt answer his last 3 messages and I havenāt heard from him since he sent that last message since Thursday and I last answered last Sunday. Itās been a week since heās sent anything, I just miss him, miss talking to him and knowing whatās going on in his life. It kind of feels like heās just forgotten I exist and has moved on and that is that. Obvs I donāt actually know that but yeah feels like that. Itās not like Iām sitting around doing nothing, I go to the gym, I see friends, I make plans and eat healthy and go to work, but i check my phone all the time hoping heās texted or idk sent some sort of follow up message. This week, his sister snap chatted me twice, sheās so wonderful, but idk if sheās telling him things, so I have to watch what I say haha. I sound a little pathetic and silly, I even think about like hey maybe in April we can be together, idk. I know heās figuring out his life and what he wants, he was unemployed for almost a year trying his own thing, now is working for the city but hates his job and is applying to join the military in Air Force.. and I feel weird making future plans knowing heās not in them and he wonāt even know about them and Iām sure heās just fine without me and when I donāt hear from him it makes me think that he doesnāt want me in his life. I know with time it will get better, but right now time is going supppperr slowly.
And like seeing him online on Facebook is hard because I think, well why doesnāt he just message me! He can see me online too! (I unfollowed him, but because of all our mutual friends I canāt delete him, that would be too awkward). We also play clash of clans together and Iāve stopped playing that for now, but itās still a way to feel connected at least for me. Iām in his clan with his family, so far no ones kicked me out lol.
I guess because it didnāt feel like he closed the door 100% the second time around I want my shitty relationship back. Iāve thought about being friends, but I think I would just want more, or not be able to not be attracted to him if I saw him or something. Everyday I just think, ok tomorrow heāll reach out. And it hurts too much to think that heās choosing and would rather be /live life without me (ouch!) And idk when tomorrow will be.
Sorry this is so long, I havenāt really been able to talk to too many people about it mutual friends deal and all. And I donāt want to just ask him to get back together, I want him to want it and it to come from him otherwise whatās the point, so then I kind of sit here stuck because thereās nothing I can do. And I know that itās a break up because something is wrong, but if he could just be happy or work on himself and then we can be together is the other story Iām telling myself. Maybe in a year from now crap. And itās hard to tell myself that maybe he doesnāt care because of him flirting with me and texting me and stuff (until I guess I stopped answering him). I know I sound dumb, but oh well ?āāļø
I didn’t reply to his last three texts, and it has been two weeks of not hearing from him. My housemate said she saw him on a dating site again and i’m so disappointed and hurt. how am i wanting someone so much when he seems like a different person? Does he not want me? Why doesn’t he want me? those thoughts go through my head all day, every day..Ā I just want him to reach out to me so I know that he’s thinking of me too instead of moving on and living his life happily with no concern.
I dream about him every night too and wish i could just stay in those dreams. It’s nice to know that you are both here with me
groundedParticipantHi,
Correct. and Correct again. I talked to him on Monday Jan 7th about being exclusive and about the dating sites and then got that message on Thursday 17th close to midnight. He kind of sent some messages in between but I didn’t answer really, I don’t think he’s fully figured things out yet
groundedParticipantHi All,
I received a text from him on Thursday saying: “You were right about dating sites. stupid. deleted them all.”
I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting and i’m still healing, i’m still re-learning to love myself and trying to be happy on my own regardless which is challenging as i have been meh for a while and I have not responded to his message since he didn’t really address me or us. I still miss him every single day and living with this hope that he might come back is hard. I think about him often, but i’ve started asking myself what this is all teaching me and take it one day at a time. I appreciate your support, it’s nice to have somewhere to talk about this.
groundedParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for being supportive through this process. Do you think I should send a message like this one:
New Years was so much fun, YOU made that happen, such a turn on when you show me you want to be with me. It seems silly for us to be apart when we live so close, and both have feelings. We could use the time to see eachother again, get to know eachother, flirt, play some squash and just have fun for a little whileĀ ? we dont’ have to tell anyone else yet, but being open and communicating with eachother about where we’re at is key, and i know you’re thinking about it so take the time you need. P.S. thanks for the king size bed experienceĀ ?
Or still do nothing? I’m having a hard time NOT reaching out, and letting him know what i want and think, but that might be the best thing to do?
Thanks,
Anna
January 10, 2019 at 6:02 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #273613groundedParticipantHi,
I’m going through the same thing also. I am missing my ex boyfriend every day, wake up missing his arms around me and just his presence in my life while he seems to be doing just fine! I am trying to focus on myself instead of wanting him back, but it’s just so hard! A couple posts back in the forum, I told my ex that if he wanted to be with me again it would have to be exclusive,Ā no more dating sites or other girls he’s been “seeing?” and I haven’t heard from him since. It’s so hard waiting and hurts to not be chosen.
groundedParticipantShould I reach out to him if I don’t hear back? I have to accept an e-transfer from him this week and it gives me an opportunity to send a message to him as well, if I wanted to. Not sure If i should be telling him that he can take all the time he needs to figure it out, but to communicate and be open with me about where he’s at? or just a reminder of what I meant when I said those things? or just ask him what’s been going on for him the last couple days?Ā Or maybe silence is just best and let him (and hope that he does) come to me?
or even just let him know that i’m here if he wants to talk about things /figure things out?
or should i just block him, delete his number and move on as hard as that will be?
(i’m not thinking clearly just feeling out my feelings).
- This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by grounded.
groundedParticipantHi Everyone
I talked to him in person yesterday, he seemed receptive..
He said he was on dating sites as a confidence booster, and looking for validation and that it’s fun meeting new people, but that it doesn’t really make him happy. It feels scary setting a boundary of exclusivity, since I want to be with him, but I don’t want to get hurt even more. He’s been active on it recently i think, and it makes me jealous. I want him to just want to be with me.
Anyways, I expressed my concerns almost word for word in that text, not to give him an ultimatum, but to tell him that he has a choice and that i’ll be ok (eventually :p) regardless of what he picks, but I can’t be in his life if he wants to date other people too.
He said he would sleep on it and think about it.. and let me know. Feels scary waiting for an answer!
groundedParticipantHe is not happy and looking for external sources for make him happy, or he is “figuring stuff out”… and I was unhappy because he wasn’t happy and at the time I was unhappy because I started feeling lonely in the relationship since he was pulling away to figure things out. The three times I’ve seen him, he seems happier, he’s working on figuring things out and being with him makes me happy, he is open and more giving than he was before.
groundedParticipantThanks Anita,
I’m not sure if I should go this evening, but I should definitely bring up my text anyways and memorize it and talk about it.
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond
groundedParticipantEdit: He just texted me asking to see a movie this evening. Now i’m even more confused!
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