Anita, I just had one of those panic moments and was so close to contacting him. But I came here instead. They come out of the blue like a big crashing wave.

Thank you x

Thanks for the rely and your words rang true. Rereading my words I now see how it is so hard to put across all the intricate details that made the relationship so strange to fathom:

I went to therapy because I thought everything was my fault and the therapists never once suggested that he was controlling. I just tried to find ways to be ‘better’ I lost count of the times that he told me if only I was less anxious we could have it all, live together etc (when I was less anxious). He questioned my movements when I was not with him, but in such a friendly manner when I did suspect control I told myself is must be me being anxious and imagining things. Is is such a very strange place to be. We broke up for 4 months and then go back together.In our first discussion he asked me if I was better!! I was I told him. I had been sad without him but my anxiety had lessened and I felt stronger At the time I really thought that I had turned a corner personally and now I could function in a relationship. low and behold within a month it began again. He began the same things and I in return crumbled into an anxious mess.
I know he thinks I am so messed up person and I think it has indeed left me feeling so vulnerable and struggling to come to terms with it all. i am currently working on myself to try and get back some dignity and reassure myself that I am not so messed up. I have a great job teaching primary children and art and I thrive at work. I function and am not anxious. What the hell happened. x