In this instance, cheating on my boyfriend

I guess I’ve always been badly treated by people so I didn’t think I deserved happiness and now I’m the one who has treated someone else badly… And I’m a firm believer in karma which makes all this even worse.

I don’t want to blame anyone else for what happened though, especially not my “friends” but I do realise now that perhaps they’re not as good friends as I once thought. I am also working on altering my work life, it is not healthy nor is it sustainable.

I guess I feel like I don’t deserve happiness because my actions hurt someone. But also maybe he wasn’t as hurt as I imagined he would be… Maybe he did use it as an excuse to get out of the relationship. I guess this realisation will help me move on, because right now I feel like I am stuck in a rut – I can’t stop thinking about him and for some unknown reason I hold him to really high regard and keep thinking he’s done nothing wrong. (Which I shouldn’t do because there were signs that he wasn’t for me and he didn’t treat me as well as I’d like).

I’ve moved home for a bit and am working remotely from home. So I’m starting to do slightly better. My panic attacks and nightmares are still prevalent but I think they’re calming down. There’s no way I’ll bump into him at home as well which is a relief. I just really want to be able to move on.

Yes, it has never happened before. It was terrifying waking up not knowing what had happened or where I was. And I have no idea why I did it. I don’t even remember seeing the guy. People say that when you cheat you have to realise that there is intrinsically a reason why you do. But I had absolutely no reason to. It’s not like I went out with the intention of getting with someone else. My heart was completely with my ex.

We had a fight about how he doesn’t act like he cares about me (e.g. he never let me finish stories/would always interrupt me.) The actual fight stemmed from me being stressed about my job (I work crazy long hours and am always stressed). He called me at midnight to come over and he said he would calm me down, I went over (bare in mind I was already in bed working). I turned up and he was drunk, he then didn’t even greet me, just got into bed, put a film on and fell asleep. So I left at 1am and I was really upset. The next day he said I had no reason to be angry and he was never going to apologise for doing what he did. I then got upset and he wouldn’t even apologise for making me upset. So I cried and my friends took me out and then what happened happened.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve singlehandedly broken my own heart. And his. But he doesn’t want anything to do with me. It kills me because I didn’t want this to happen. I know he wasn’t “the one” but I loved his company, and his companionship. I don’t know how to move past it. I’ve also lost the friendship of all his friends. And I think he’s been bad mouthing me too. Which is understandable as he’s hurting but doesn’t help my anxiety/panic attacks.