Adam,

Sometimes we get confused about what provides us nourishment in each moment, and so we scramble for it unskillfully. I’m sympathetic to the difficulties you’re expressing, and a few things came to heart as I read your words.

What I read is you find great nourishment in connecting with others. This is great, fine and worthy. Human connection is one of the three needs for spiritual development (according to the Buddha… it is the Buddha, dharma, and sangha. Said differently it is our ability to awaken, the truth we resonate with, and the community that we connect to). But what is going wrong?

When we engage with others, and our confidence is low, we slip away from our inner truth and adopt theirs. Said differently, we look to others for kindness and acceptance when we don’t have those for ourselves. It is like we have a leaky bucket, where praise goes in and slips out before it has a chance to help our confidence grow. For people with empathy it is even more difficult, because there are many layers to each moment… often the words said conflict with other perceptions that arise.

There is a relatively simple solution, though it is a process. We have to figure out who we are. Know thyself. Come to know what you perceive and what you feel. Then, take responsibility only for that.

The process or practice of doing that is meditation. Consider perhaps looking for a meditation center in your local area, where teachers help people just like us find the path to inner wellness. Said differently, when we spend time sitting with our self, we come to know and love our bodies and minds, and it provides us an authentic confidence that nourishes us in a way that is critical.

If you’re hesitant to find a meditation center, consider reading about co-dependence, as it seems you have a similar difficulty. Pia Melody has a great book as does Melody Beattie. In the mean time, you could do some activities that are self nurturing. What do you like to do? What activities open your heart and help you feel comfortable and confident? For me, playing with my kids, soft music, cooking, writing, bathing and meditating do it. What does it for you? Perhaps it is time to turn your attention inward, and work to please yourself. It is not selfish! As you become more stable and happy, your gifts to others will be much more nourishing to us all.

With warmth,
Matt

Maleena,

Coping with anger directed at us is difficult, especially from our children. I’m sorry for the pain you’re experiencing with this and hope my words can help. A few things came to heart as I read your word.

First is that children often rebel against their parent as they try to understand who they are as people. It takes on many forms, but it sounds like what you’re experiencing is a painful and dramatic version of that. Couple the atypical mind he has with his pain over the divorce (plus other factors such as drug abuse and permissive parenting from dad), and it seems reasonable that his responses are expressions of where he is at right now.

Love is often requires us to be patient as those we love grow to be people we can connect with more easily (less painfully). In the mean time, however, its not like we can just turn off our feelings and ignore our kids. So what to do?

The main thing that our children need is the unconditional love we have for them. It seems like this might be the best potential way to let your son know you are there for him. This is more difficult when they are expressing to us, so it is good to practice alone (such as in meditation if you do that, or in the tub or whatever else you do to self nurture where your thoughts settle). To practice, you could: “breathing in I remember the beauty of my son, breathing out I send my love to him”. As you feel the kindness for him strengthen in your heart, move to “breathing in as your mother I am able to hear all you have to say, breathing out I am here for you my son.”

Consider it this way: if your son is saying lots of painful things, he has painful things inside him. When he does his fault finding and name calling, it is not that much different than when he cried for your attention as a baby. You didn’t say “why did you wet your diaper, don’t you know that now I have to change it?” You were moved to help him for his sake. Now though It is “you said hurtful things to me, don’t you know that now I suffer?”

During difficult communications, it is often helpful to be validating to their side, then tell them we are there for them. For example:
“I hear you telling me you’re angry, and i am here for you my son”
“I hear you telling me that I am selfish for divorcing your father, I’m sorry for whatever hurts you have from that, and i am here for you if you want to talk more.”

The goal isn’t to be a punching bag, where you absorb his anger and bounce around in your head and heart. The goal is to be more like a lightning rod, where you give his pain back to the earth through your love. Said differently, as you practice breathing acceptance and love in and out in regards to your son, you can hug his crying and not make it about you.

Then, if he needs help or opens up, he will have those loving seeds in his memory and heart, where his mom held his views close and loved him through them. Even if he doesn’t forgive you to your face, if and when those seeds blossom, they will offer him a path home. Either to your love or his own, but it will help him for sure.

With warmth,
Matt

PryingMimi,

Sometimes there are those among us who are born with a strong empathy. From your words, it sounds like you see and feel a lot of information and are unsure what to do about it. Said differently, when people talk to you, there is so much information coming in that your mind becomes overloaded and you try to figure out what to do with the pieces. Does that sound right?

Unfortunately, for right now, patience is the key. You’re still developing your frontal cortex (into your mid-twenties) which will help you put it all together. For now, take some time to learn about who you are. You have a special gift, and it is through looking inward at what your heart tells you that you will find your stride.

We don’t really need to worry about “sorting it all out” as though we have to put everything in a category in our mind. Instead, there is a different strategy.

We can consider our body like a house, and the world around us like wind blowing at the house. When the wind gets really strong (lots of data coming at us) we try to shut the front door to stop the pressure from building in our mind. Said differently, we try to ignore or parse what we see, hear, feel. What happens is we can for a little while, and then we lose strength and the door flies open and we are knocked around.

Instead, we learn to keep the back door open which lets the wind passes right through. This is done by just noticing what is there, without trying to judge or categorize the sense data. Said differently, we can say “what is really here now? breathe it in, breathe it out.” Then the moment is passes and we are ready for the next.

As you find your stride over the next few years, I have every confidence you will overcome your social difficulties. Just take some time to play and dance and sing whatever songs make your heart feel warm and strong. As you get to know yourself, people will want to be your friend because you will have so much to share and such an empathic nature.

With warmth,
Matt

PS: Yes, you’re weird. Thank goodness!

Pat,

There was much happiness inside me as I read your words, thank you for sharing your insights, confusions, and praise. You asked if telling her was a valid method of letting go, and I can understand why you might think so! Sometimes that works really well, but only if both people agree on what is there. Otherwise it becomes a battle of “who is seeing rightly” which often only fuels the anger on both sides.

Letting go is hard, but I believe in you and the Buddha inside you. But how to let go?

We think that letting go is some major release, where we see something in a new light and then we are healed. It is not the case. The light can show us the staircase out of the old way, but it is through effort and endurance that we actually let go.

To let go, first you have to know what to let go of! That’s the trick… what gets cut? Now that you are not unskillfully associating your anger with your sister, your mind is in a fertile position to see what to do!

The anger is coming from your spinning thoughts. Your mind works around the event and all the attachments you have… to your sister, your dream of your sister, your medical issues, your daughter, your pets, your sense of justice etc etc and adds steam to the cycle. It starts with “hmm, that sister sure is interesting->something in my memory hurts->how could she have said that-> what about me! -> that inconsiderate bitch!

This cycle creates the anger. Said differently, the anger and the spinning thoughts are arising together in your body. It is the spinning that causes the anger, and the anger causes the spinning. That’s it. We have delusions that it is more, but that is because we are so used to connecting “sister” to “anger” that our mind is forgotten as a key role in the process.

All you need to do is concentrate and notice when the thoughts are spinning or the body feels anger. Breathe in and out, tuning into what is there. The breath is there, some vibrations are there (that you had been calling anger) the thoughts are there. Gently move your attention away from the thoughts and into the breath. It will last a moment before the mind sucks your attention away. That’s normal. Just be patient with yourself and gently move your mind back to the breath again. Soon, the thoughts and anger will vanish. They will come back when you see/hear/think of another trigger, but those triggers decrease in strength the more you practice moving your attention back to the breath.

The breath is really any meditation object, something simple to concentrate our awareness. If not the breath, perhaps a candle, some music, you could chant om… just something other than being lost in the cycle of mind.

I am so excited you refuse to take things on faith! That means you are wisely discerning. Never assume someone is right, but trust that others have gone through similar things and might have innovations that help. Apply the innovations, try them out! If you notice they work, you won’t need faith… you’ll have authentic confidence, and that makes all the difference.

With warmth,
Matt

Breathe. And breathe. And breathe.

More specific? You first. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Alana,

I’m sorry its so tough for you right now, I hope you find your better days soon. There are few things that come to heart as I consider your words.

One of my teachers told me that when we go through dramatic changes we do the best if we give them space. In Buddhism, it is said that the greatest force for change is patient endurance. Much like a flower bulb needs time to open after it is planted, our bodies need time to heal from traumas. You are doing great! Overcoming addiction is tough. Tough! Right now, that is taking a lot of your energy.

Its important to give ourselves space to heal. Self care, such as laying in bed, taking a bath, sitting in nature, cooking a meal… all these can be done with that patient endurance. “Yes, this feels icky now, but I am stepping each step with the courage to keep going… here is this feeling, and it will fade. I am healing with each moment that I make a healthy choice, it is OK to be patient.”

With each step, you’re getting distance from it. Over time, your body will heal, and that frees the inner strength that’s now focused on recovery. Then, you will have the strength to become the person you dream to be. She’s in there… she’s the one who is shedding unskillful habits.

Right now, in this moment, it is important to choose your battles carefully. If you try to recover all at once, it is like banging your head into a rock. Trust that as you keep moving forward, what is tough now becomes easy as you practice. Said differently, each big thing that you work on takes effort, and that effort can tire us out. If you work on too many things at once, you might just be tired all the time.

For now, consider breathing meditation to help build patience. It can help us build concentration (increasing your strength) and help us let go and relax. It also helps us calm our minds so that we have the endurance to get through tough times. On YouTube, you can search for “jayasaro (5) counting breaths”, which has a simple and effective method.

Do you have a sponsor? Often times, being able to connect with someone who knows the struggle can help us believe that recovery is not just possible, it is who we really are finally getting to come out and play. At AA, did you open up to the group? I’ve found that this world is full of loving and wise people, and when we bear our soul to them we are not only given help seeing “what’s next, what’s here, what to do”, but also in raw strength in knowing we are loved.

I know you can do this. I’ve seen it done by people, and you seem to be asking all the right questions and having all the right frustrations. The main point at this point is you need nurturing. Hug, bathe, sing, sleep, breathe, talk… healthy ways of saying to your body that you are beautiful and deserve special care and attention. It does! You do!

With warmth,
Matt

Some say that meditation is the only way to become sane. If you are considering meditation, that’s great! There are often local meditation centers (such as Buddhist temples) where you could get instruction. From your words, i think a Zen center might do well for you if available.

Pat,

It is very difficult in deed! It is because of your life of service and willingness to grow that such a teacher like your sister offers you freedom… you just don’t see it yet. Be patient!

There is a story of the buddha, smiling at one who was very angry and yelling at the Buddha. When the man says “why do you smile at me, don’t you see I’m angry!” The Buddha replied: If I were to wrap up a present and offer it to you, would you accept it? The man said of course not. The Buddha said, “in that case, who would own the present?” The man said “you would of course.” The Buddha then said “in the same way, I refuse your anger and therefore it stays yours.”

Said differently, you consider “letting go” to be dependent on your sister, and to have something to do with her, where she “makes you angry” because she “doesn’t hear” you. However, your anger is hurting you. It is fiery and corrosive, you have noticed how much your mind has churned and churned and suffered. I am not offering this to your sister, for her benefit, it is for you.

It would never occur to you to shake your daughter and say “why won’t you stop having MS, it is difficult”… yet you consider shaking your sister and saying “why won’t you stop being like you are, it is difficult.” It is not only foolish and unrealistic, but also gives the keys to your inner peace to her.

Instead, you can deal with the anger directly once you stop falsely accusing your sister for “creating” your anger. You wanted to be heard, weren’t, felt unloved, and the result is you feel angry. If you spoke to a deaf man and he didn’t hear you, wouldn’t the anger be foolish! When we try to talk to people who are caught up in their own junk, they are not in a place to hear us. It is sad for them! Imagine how isolating it must be for your sister to have such rigid thinking and deep judgement.

When your sister says those things to you, you have the option to simply see her delusion and not take in the present she offers. In that way it stays about her. Instead, though, you take it as proof that your sister isn’t what you hoped, and that disappointment makes you angry. Not your sister. Your disappointment.

There is a notion taught to me called “negative negativity” where our anger becomes so strong we think it is justified and it tries to force us into acting from a place of anger to “balance the scales of justice.” This has to be killed, smashed, destroyed. Bring the potency of your will against it and cut the cycle down.

Letting go is about you. Your peace of mind. Your healing. You getting the joy you deserve from your lifetime of effort. Don’t let your mind fool you that you need something from your sister to get peace, you only need to set down the torch.

With warmth,
Matt