Steve,

It seems to me a lot of analyzing and guessing and aiming are being done just from her “I see”. Consider staying with the mystery next time, instead of trying to catch it, respond to the potential meanings you see on her side. Such as “oh, what do you see?”, or “how do you feel about it?”… just staying curious. The feeling of insecurity is normal, but try to remember you don’t own what she’s thinking, all you ever really own is your side. Such as: Its enough that you know you’d love her to meet your kids when the time is right.

If you feel fear she might not know that, just breathe, its OK, let it go, what she thinks is her business. Its moving slowly, which means hopefully she wouldn’t run a million places with your words, and if she does, she can bring them up. Otherwise, its like we get stuck running around a house repairing issues that we don’t even know are issues, wasting energy. Said differently, perhaps put down the Mr. Fix-it, and relax. Just be open. 🙂 That’s what gives us the stability to respond with our side if/when she is feeling oddly and indicates it.

Glad to hear you’re exploring more. Great work! Keep it up! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Jen,

I think the business relationship idea is “creative Jen” wanting whatever bits of him she can get. Such as, door closed, check the window? Maybe his office? Maybe his best friend? Maybe his mother?

I’m not psychic, sis, my sense from his words are he wants the door closed. It doesn’t feel like postcards will be of any use, here. Here, self exploration. Grieving, letting go, getting back on your own two feet, meeting and healing the “addiction” quality that has you on his front porch trying to devise ways to knock without knocking.

You have a tenacious heart, and I’m sure much beauty would bloom for you if only you would aim it at fertile fields instead, at your own home instead of his.

With warmth,
Matt

Ashley,

Wow. Thank you for such courage and honesty, here and in your blog. I’m a survivor too, and know how difficult the healing can be. Anger took a long time to erode for me, still eroding really, when boundaries are trespassed. For me, re-empowerment comes from seeing how sad it is for them, how little they really get to experience of our inner beauty.

Like the father-in-law (for me it was a male relative initially, and a wild yogi later) saw nothing, empty, a sex object, a thing to control or conquer. Our beauty doesn’t grow in that space, the love that he’s restlessly seeking slips further from him, his moment, empty. When, if he had honored you, loved you with respect, it would have been joyful for him. Not sexual, but radiant nonetheless. Too bad, for him, a pity really. No wonder he hides in booze.

But for us, what a wonderful chance to burp up, heal all that indigestion of past bullshit. Like those hallway children, seeing a slut, uncomfortable with themselves and not getting any closer to happiness. As though wads of paper will do anything but wound their own happiness, the falseness, coldness of it turning their own heart to stone. A pity.

And for us (me, at least) sure, some shaky moments, some deep breaths needed from time to time, but their thorns wake us up to our own love, healing gently, expanding, as they truly become history. To see the injustice of their actions, and let it go, we remain deeply peaceful, warm, and awake. And when a new teacher/abuser/snake/whomever springs forward with some hammer or new trespass, ha! “If that’s your best, if that’s all you have, I’m sorry for your loss, for there is far more beauty hidden beyond your view.” Snakes hiss, dogs bark, the thirsty scramble, and here we are, moving on, finding our joy, expanding. Why let their foolishness tear at our wings?

With warmth,
Matt

Linda,

Healing such a bruise to the relationship takes time, and trust regrows slowly, usually. The rule of thumb I offer (without knowing more of your backgrounds) is for every lash a thousand kisses. Don’t go into the bathroom, and try to shake off the mistrust alone, rather bear your mistrust courageously, openly, and offer him a chance to shower you in his heartfelt honesty. Back rubs, foot rubs, poems, songs, flowers, ask him to take his heartfelt creativity and tenderness and slowly, patiently work out the knot of mistrust.

As he does, try not to fault him his imperfections, and instead try to receive him with the intention of his gift in mind. Like, even if he buys the wrong kind of flowers, rubs too hard, or sings out of key, if he’s doing his best to love and honor you, let him, open to his unique style. 🙂

That being said, also don’t use it to your personal advantage, such as “making him pay for his crimes” or “boyfriend prison”, rather let it be just the natural path of healing for broken trust. Try not to cling to thoughts and feelings of “what is he doing now? Who is he with?” and so forth, but let it be known when they arise like “yep, here’s some more” to keep him in the loop as to what is happening on your side. Hopefully, usually, his heart will naturally move him to comfort you, offer tenderness into your hurt. Said differently, if you two can embark on this journey hand in hand with courageous communication, love will do the rest.

With warmth,
Matt

Louise,

What? What word is gross? Escape from what? Is there a conversation we’re having in your head that I’m not included in?

With warmth,
Matt

Chris,

I’m sorry for your suffering, friend, and can understand the difficulty in becoming aware that our parents are human, not just “my momma”. Mothers are supposed to be this big huggy teady bear of a boob that we can suckle from, find nourishment and comfort. But beyond that role, there is a woman. She is not toxic, and it would be better for you to set down your gavel. Rather, consider noticing how she is drained, feeling overwhelmed, perhaps lonely. Its easy as a young kid, without the weight of loss and life experience silencing your inner child, to stand superior to her, more able to carry the weight of the daily responsibilities.

This isn’t because she is bad, rather, she needs more tender care than she is receiving. So perhaps she searches here and there, looking for comfort, connection, peace. That search can become very restless, no wonder she doesn’t have the energy to clean the house! Now, that’s not to say that its your job to clean, it isn’t. But, perhaps you can help the woman, set aside the need for mom, and ask her to come and play with you. Help her see the beauty in her life, how her loving child cares about her and her well being. Not “clean her mess for her”, but “clean both of your messes together”, or take her out for a night on the town, or take a yoga class together. Hand in hand is always better than a finger pointing.

Either way, to reach out to her with kindness or not, keep that gavel far away from your fingertips. Its easy to judge our parents, but that only closes our own hearts. The truth is you don’t know what hardship she has endured, why she limps like she does, and so if you can’t say something nice, something encouraging, perhaps zip it and just get back to your own needs. The last thing she needs is one more stone in her backpack, feeling like she failed or is failing you.

With warmth,
Matt

Jaime,

Its sounds like you have a real eye for beauty, such as being able to really rest with appreciative joy for the warmth and connection with others. With such an eye, its important to be able to accept the impermanence of experiences. For instance, a flower blooms in our garden, and it is rich with sensual beauty, a treasure. And after a few days, it fades, wilts. As we can accept this, enjoy the beauty as it rises, accept the beauty as it fades, we don’t experience as much grief.

The same is true of connections with friends and other loved ones. When we are close and dancing with them, there is beauty, richness. And when the song stops, the beauty fades. As we accept this, the appreciation, joy, remains with us no matter what is happening in our present day to day life, and letting go of past blooms becomes simple, like breathing out.

With warmth,
Matt

Sukanya,

It really doesn’t sound like your issue. Consider how we all make mistakes, all mess up in little ways over and over. Why does he boil up? That’s the source, not your flubbing, putting too much salt in the stew, stumbling over the carpet edge, and so forth. To be frank, dear sister, perhaps you cry because deep down, you know it is unjust to have such a callous response to your very human, very lovable mistakes. It would be different if the mistake was “stabbed him in the eye with a spoon because I was staring at the stars”, then his anger would make sense. But you mated a black sock with a blue sock and he goes haywire? Instead of crying, try pushing back. Let him know, demand, you deserve kindness even when you do something imperfectly. Maybe you’ll cry less, maybe he’ll learn to be kinder.

And this “I just gave up” nonsense he’s putting on your shoulders… gave up what, trying to hammer you gently into becoming a perfect wife? Most of this doesn’t sound like your issue, dear sister, and I think you know that, but perhaps you don’t want to admit that someone you love is being a jerk to you? I’d cry too. And feel scared to do anything, fearing his lash. Consider googling “emotional abuse”, and see if it rings any bells. You might be surprised at just how “not broken” you really are.

With warmth,
Matt