Danubelle,

I can hear the concern that if we do not “digest” the synchronized moment, we are somehow disregarding the information the universe is offering us… which might lead us down the wrong path. I respect the question, and can understand why it would be confusing!

Imagine for a moment that our life is much like a pinball loose on a pinball table. Moments of synchronicity are like seeing the bumpers, where the momentum (openness) of our being connects with the table. The connection is inherently shifting our direction as it is moving us into the next arc of development.

If we try to cling to the bumper as a “sign” we are meant to go “that” direction, we slow the momentum. It isn’t that we ignore the signs, its just that as we move along the table and open more and more, reality becomes explicitly synchronistic and full of “umm, here you are, wake up” guidance. It isn’t a material destination or some type of divination, rather the facilitation of our awakening as a community of divine beings.

For instance, if we think about NYC all the time, and remain open, we will experience NYC synchronicity. This doesn’t mean that NYC is our destiny, rather there is something to learn about our relationship to NYC. As we learn and settle the attachment keeping NYC on the mind all the time, we move on. Said differently, spinning thoughts about NYC or not NYC prevent us from seeing the guidance all around us… because instead of seeing, we’re busy thinking. When we let go (trust) and let the ball and the table do their job and let our job remain staying/becoming more open, we become more joyous. Then NYC or not NYC becomes immaterial, because where ever you go, there you are. And with you, the openness that allows joy and wisdom to flow through. Then, if you want NYC you will be open enough to see the shiny path that leads you there.

With warmth,
Matt

Danubelle,

One of the greatest things my teacher offered me was that synchronicity was “auspicious coincidence” where the internal and external are in harmony. To seek synchronicity as a means of guidance is like wishing to be present. The mind is positioned to look in the future, so the wishing inhibits the fulfillment. Said differently, when we are seeking guidance from outside, we are stepping away from our inner guidance… which is where all the magic comes from.

I can understand and relate to the odd and inspiring moments where things align just so… and we taste in a presence that is greater than we previously believed possible. It can help us remember our divine nature, but can also generate spiritual materialism, where we adopt a new identity of a “spiritual person in-tune with spirit” instead of dropping the aspects of self that generate confusion, lamentation and greed.

Instead, what we can do is allow the vibrancy of the world to flow through and around us. When we see signs, we breathe and let go. When we do not see signs, we breathe and let go. If we do not assign meaning to the synch, we retain the vibrancy and become more clear and resonant in our bodies. Or, if the synch pulls us in, we are able to reflect on what aspect of ego clung to the moment and move our mind back to the breath. Said differently, grace is something we experience when we are open enough to receive it.

Otherwise we slide back and forth between open and shut. We meditate and pray and then open, get a synch, cling to it as proof of something, and close. This makes it very confusing indeed, as well as draining as we attempt to open over and over. In my humble opinion, they are like fruit in the garden, where we can eat them, thank the universe for the energy, and keep walking. Nourishing but empty of persistent meaning.

With warmth,
Matt

Wissam,

I can understand how disorienting it must be to have all of those signs around you, like why would your teacher call you lazy, why would your friend remove you from facebook? I’m sure there are many more that you’ve not mentioned. Have hope, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read and reflected on your words.

It seems like a fertile time to confront your fear and develop courage. For instance, your teacher calls you lazy, and you become afraid of what that means. Your fear turns the words inwards and makes it about you. “Am I lazy? Is she right in calling me that? Do I deserve that? Why does she look at me so much?”

Consider that all of us feel fear, and it is absolutely necessary for us to develop courage. Courage is not being able to do scary things fearlessly, but the energy inside us that acknowledges the fear, and does the action anyway. Perhaps you could walk up to the teacher and courageously confront her on the name calling. “Why do you call me lazy, I do well and pay attention. When you call me lazy, I don’t like it and my feelings are hurt. Please stop.” Or the urdu equivalent. 🙂

The same is true of the other relationships. If you ask out the girl and she says no, you have the information it takes to move on. Women are often particular in their taste, and just because one likes you as a friend and not romatically does not mean you are unattractive to all girls. That is just the fear. Consider asking out another, and seeing where it goes. Remember courage is the energy that let’s us try and fail, try and fail until we try and succeed.

It sounds like when you feel fear of the unknown, your mind runs and runs. Its very creative! Perhaps some meditation would help with that. YouTube has some great videos on that, my favorite is a series be Ajahn Jayasaro. The fifth video in the series is a counting breath meditation that is simple and effective.

With warmth,
Matt

Tera,

What a wonderful observation! Sometimes we get so focused in our mind that we lose some of the energy of creativity that fuels us. It reminds me of a garden hose, where we put our thumb on the end to make it squirt farther, but if we put too much thumb into it, it stops the flow of water or explodes all over us.

In terms of mindful practices, it is often described as holding a bird in our hand. We want to hold it tight enough that it doesn’t fly away, but not so tight that we crush it. Said differently, your dream is the fuel of the vision, and your actions, focus and dedication are what realize that dream.

One thing we can do is take a few moments and brainstorm our priorities. Then take a look at them, do they still resonate with the dream? If they have become material, or relate too closely to project deadlines and don’t sparkle with the energy of the dream, you have perhaps crushed the bird and need some time to self-nurture. If they still sparkle with your inner desires, then you’re doing fine and simply haven’t been opening to the joy of the steps of the dream.

Remember that the sun on the horizon is only a carrot to lead us down the path. The joy, realization and contentment are available at every step. Said differently, the path is the destination, and when we forget that we cut ourselves off from the energy of reality. This is the beauty and tragedy of being a combination of heavenly and earthly beings… it becomes a balance between joy, mindfulness, creativity and bills, deadlines, and obligations. With each one, we can breathe mindfully.

Its like accepting the rules of a game that we play with our friends and children. There are rules, and we follow them, but it is in the playing that the fun happens, not in the winning or losing.

With warmth,
Matt

Sapnegi,

In addition to John’s words, perhaps you would benefit from reading about co-dependence. Some of us in relationships look to our partner for our self-esteem, which becomes unstable over time. It can push us to become controlling or clingy, which is not ideal for long term commitments. Pia Mellody has a great book “Facing Codependence” that is very practical, and I can attest to its ability to explain and provide relief and guidance.

With warmth,
Matt

Sapnegi,

I’m sorry that the flood is producing a feeling of drowning, it can be disorienting to say the least! Pema Chodron has a great book called “When Things Fall Apart: Heart advice for difficult times” which is great at answering some of those questions. It is very practical as well as helpful, and she writes in a way that is very accessible.

Sometimes when we are overwhelmed it isn’t enough to mouth the words “I love you sapna” over and over. We have to look inward at how beautiful we are and begin to appreciate ourselves. When we are in pain this can be difficult, so our friends and spiritual family help us to remember and see. We have the courage to open up and ask for help, and do our best to remain open to the love that is sent to us through our family. What a blessing the sangha becomes!

This sounds like a very fertile time, and it is important to be patient with yourself! The long term goal is to move all of that love and devotion you gave to him inward, so you become your own greatest love and advocate. From that place, we are fountains of loving bounty… but it takes time to get there. Buddha said that it was much like the unfolding of petals of a blooming flower.

To provide the conditions for that flower to bloom, we need patience. We can provide light to the flower by seeing truth, by being aware of who we are and what we do. We can provide water to the flower by self-nurturing, or doing loving things to our body. Then it is a matter of consistency, where each day or each moment we walk through the garden of our body and spread love and light.

You know what it was like to love him, and the actions you did to show him that you love him. So, perhaps you can do that for yourself! Don’t just mouth “I love you”, but follow up the words by acting loving toward sapna. She deserves and needs that from you!

With warmth,
Matt

Carl,

You ask some great questions! I’m very impressed with the amount of self awareness you have, as you’ve noticed how you’re bouncing between different experiences (such as giving up and why and the feelings). I know it seems overwhelming and depressing in this moment, but there is always a path to joy.

It seems like your main error is you are only getting nourished by success. This might be a very old pattern, or a parent who only expressed love when you did well. I’ve seen others in the same boat (I struggled with it as well) and have some words about what to do.

The first thing is to accept that failure is inevitable. Edison, for example, had far more failures than successes. Failure is ripe with information, ways to do things differently, and the chance to improve our skills. Even Buddha tried for years to find the cause of suffering from many, many teachers… and its said that it was only after he failed and gave up that he attained enlightenment. Failure is not bad, it is part of learning.

So, if we are destined to fail time and again, how to we maintain esteem? My teacher told me that confidence rooted in approval was doomed to erode, because we aren’t perfect. However, we can begin to generate authentic confidence that is unshakable. This confidence is rooted in our intention.

If we intend to improve our life, our skills, our minds (which you’re already doing) then we do naturally get better. We jump in, and as we succeed and fail, we realize that we’ve been pouring our heart into each moment. We struggle, feel icky, feel great, fall down… over and over, but that heart has been beating, moving us onward with each moment… always growing and learning. Once we respect that, the confidence quickly grows because you know.

For instance, if you attempt the “act as if” principle and notice the difference, you won’t need to succeed in anyone’s eyes. You won’t need testimony. You’ll know. You’re already aware of your emotions and actions, so as you watch them improve, you’ll know you’re doing the do… growing and changing.

In my opinion, counting breath meditation is very helpful with anxiety. Consider youtubing “jayasaro counting breaths” for a simple technique.

With warmth,
Matt