Florence,

In addition to E and Kirty’s observations, a few ideas came to heart as I read your words. I’m sorry you’re feeling a lot of tension between your self and the unknown future, it can be fairly chaotic to say the least! You don’t sound crazy to me, you sound like a romantic. 🙂

When you said you feel like he holds the keys to your heaven, it reminded me of a song lyric by Alanis Morissette “this pedestal is high and I’m afraid of heights.” Its wonderful and beautiful that you see his sparkly-ness, and wish to spend more time together. The challenge seems to be with the dissatisfaction/craving that has come up.

To me, it seems like your dream is very powerful for you! Our hearts yearn for connection, and that yearning is a noticeable momentum that pulls us forward on the path of love. Said differently, it seems like your heart really wants a partner to share the bounty you have inside, and as you look at the new man in the silence of waiting, you are very directly experiencing that want.

When I have felt that feeling, I turned it toward nesting, cleaning up the inside and outside as I prepared for the new journey. Trim and straighten, dust and mop, sort and settle (metaphorically and physically). This prepares us for the next moment, because even though how he is feeling is unknown, we give it the best chance to grow when we make space in the temple, so to speak. If he doesn’t wish to join you in your sacred heart, then perhaps he was just a muse for growth. If he does, then you’ll have done your best to give the buddhing flower space to blossom.

Good luck!

With warmth,
Matt

Kirsty,

I’m glad the words helped! Connecting with a spiritual community is something the Buddha said was one of the pillars of cultivation. Something else came to heart as I read your response.

Consider that control is something that can quickly become rigid as we try to force ourselves to grow. Be patient! Growth takes time, unfolding like the petals of a lotus. 🙂 When we’re in pain, however, our bodies almost demand that we do something. But what?

What some of us find is that it is a good time to let go. Instead of trying to keep the emotion out like pushing closed our front door, we can open up the back door and let is pass through. We can use that urge to control to open up the space around the emotion by self-nurturing… such as meditation, quiet music, nature walks, joking with our friends, taking a bath and so forth. We don’t try to control energy of it, rather give it space to settle.

With warmth,
Matt

E,

In addition to Sushma’s words, I don’t think giving the letter to him will give the closure you’re seeking. Often it only generates more, as you expect him to respond in such and such a way, and when he does not, it sets up another cycle. Every situation is different of course, but be prepared. 🙂 He may not respond in a way you wish, nor hear, understand or care. That’s why its usually best to let go, and let the breakup or writing the letter be the closure.

With warmth,
Matt

Kirsty,

I can understand and respect the confusion that arises when we go from feeling clear to feeling confused. This is pretty normal, and happens to almost all of us until we learn the lessons of the confusion. Said differently, the moments of clarity arise alongside the confusion during our development.

Sakyong Mipham, who is a Buddhist teacher and scholar said that many beginning students complain that development (in his context, meditative awareness) makes them even more crazy. Before meditation, they felt somewhat calm, but after they begin, their mind appears to become far more chaotic. He smiles and says that the mind is no different, we just become more aware of how untamed the mind was the whole time.

When we notice that we move from clarity to confusion, we are in a very special place. It is like the sun rising and falling, and the moon rising and falling. During clarity, things shine and sparkle. During the moon, shadows deepen and we are startled by the neurosis of our mind. This is normal. The moon phase deepens our awareness, filling our body with insight and awareness, which then knits together for the next sun phase.

Don’t fight it, the lesson isn’t how to stay in the sun all the time, but rather how to integrate both light and dark into the path of unity. Said differently, you are a being who both smiles and cries, and each is important to who you are.

To relax into this unity, consider cultivating humility. When in the sun, instead of “look at what I know and see” we can say “thank you for the sacred beauty, I will use what I see and know for the benefit of myself and others”. When in the moon, instead of “oh my, I am an utter fool” we can say “thank you for the awareness, I will use the shadows to better understand what needs cleaning and what needs nourishing”. In this way, we have the conditions to let go of the peaks and valleys and develop equanimity (inner stability).

Also consider, your peaks and valleys are actually an upward/inward spiral. With each cycle, we know ourselves better.

With warmth,
Matt

Melissa,

I respect you for the courage to look directly at your thoughts and emotions! Its glad to hear you’re exploring therapy, it can be really effective. Sometimes it can be difficult for someone with a powerful mind to “do nothing” and let go. It reminds me of a pair of rocket boots with an “on” switch but no “off” switch. We turn them on and woooosh.

The trick is to step away from the on switch, and learn to calm down when the boots are whooshing us. Said differently, when we think about certain things, they trigger emotions. Once the emotions are on, they have to run their course… they are chemicals in the body which we cannot suppress, and our attempt to suppress only adds pressure. What is even more tricky is that the emotions will inspire thoughts associated with the emotion from our past.

For instance, if when we were young we were deeply afraid of clowns, as adults sometimes when we become fearful of not paying the rent on time, our brain will pop with a vision of a clown.

Counting breath meditation is a great way to develop some concentration within the mind. YouTube has a series by Ajahn Jayasaro which describes the process. As the mind gains skill in being able to direct our awareness consciously, thoughts don’t drive us, they blossom in a spaciousness. From there, we can do anything with them we want.

One of my teachers described it as such: Imagine the painful thoughts and emotions like a startled mare in a barn. If we walk up to the mare and try to settle her down, she kicks us, bites us and we join her in the panic. Instead, we remove the walls of the barn, and the mare settles quite naturally. Said differently, we don’t step into the thoughts or emotions and attempt to direct them, we open up the space around them with our awareness. Then the thoughts and emotions settle on their own.

Meditation is something I find to be very nurturing. If that’s not your thing, perhaps a bath or a walk in nature (especially barefoot). While you walk, bathe or whatnot, ask yourself “what is around me? What colors do I see? What sounds do I hear? How does THIS moment actually feel?” Your body will catch up to your surroundings, and the mare will settle, the body calms, and the mind opens.

With warmth,
Matt

Carly,

Its a sad but necessary lesson almost everyone has to learn: loving people do dumb things. If your boyfriend has accepted it and is trying to move on, telling him is more about your feeling of guilt than honoring the relationship.

Guilt is a great reminder of the things in our past that are unsettled. Our mind churns and churns with what ifs and if onlys, and claws at our brain. Your boyfriend forgave you, so all that’s left is to forgive yourself. Buddha said that intoxication leads to mindless and heedless behavior. Mindless and heedless behavior leads to acting from unskillful places, creating guilt and other things, which seems like what you’re experiencing. It made a complete circuit, its OK to simply breathe and let it go.

Said differently, guilt and shame can create a maze that our mind cycles through over and over. The more you think about it, the more icky it feels. The more icky you feel, the more you think about it. The maze of mirrors has no exit, it is only teacher for the cycle… so instead, we can step aside and be gentle with ourselves.

Consider sitting in a quiet place and do some mindful breathing. As you notice your mind jump to the past or the body quake with icky emotion, you can say “thank you, with humility i learn the lesson. ” and gently bring your attention back to the breath.

You feel like you betrayed the trust of your boyfriend, and so it is more difficult for your heart to trust. Let it go, trust him… he said its enough, so now its really up to you. Have you felt bad enough?

With warmth,
Matt

E,

I’m sorry for the difficulty you’ve been experiencing, it can be confusing when we see someone who loved us move away physically or emotionally. I admire your courage and dedication, your willingness to work it out. Your heart seems very powerful!

A teacher once told me that it isn’t the dedication that holds a union together, but two people sharing a compatible view. When we look at the world, our goals, our intentions, our emotions, do they match the same views of our partner? Where they are different, does it add strength to the intimacy or weaken it?

It sounds like you became swept into the dream of a husband and wanted to stick it out despite many off-again on-again moments. He doesn’t seem to share that same vision. You noticed his unwillingness to communicate, and how both of you were holding back more and more. Those actions choke intimacy.

Intimacy doesn’t have to be a struggle. It requires work and constancy, but with each blip that disrupts our openness we can grow closer. This requires communication and compromise. You sound willing, he does not. It doesn’t cheapen the moments that were amazing between you two, but it does indicate the intimacy has eroded.

Perhaps as you move on, the learning you’ve been through will help you in the next connection. When we stay open, even when it hurts, the pain teaches us so much that our hearts learn and grow wise. When we stay open and it does not hurt, we are rewarded by a sacred union of beauty and oneness with our partner.

With warmth,
Matt

JAC,

Give a woman a fish and she eats once, show her how to fish and she eats forever. Your words scrape across my heart as hubris, certainty, imperiousness, and delusion. It seems that one who is in tune with spirit to such a degree would respect free will enough not to command others? Perhaps its back to the cushion? My teacher has said we nourish our friends with illumination of the relationship between inside and out, rather than divining their signs for them.

Danubelle, I apologize for having a side conversation in your thread… it feels like an invasion on your sacred space. 🙂 Clearly JAC and I have different approaches, but I hope you find some nourishment in our words wherever you may go next.

With warmth,
Matt