Shampayne,

I can understand and relate to the difficulties that you’re having with the unknown future and the unknown present. I’m impressed by how much you’re examining the difference between your actions and your feeling of potential, and the wish to balance “giving back enough” with “not being stretched too thin” is one of the most common difficulties. There is a way to sort this all out, and you’re already doing well at getting your mind moving in a good direction. 🙂

I know you feel lost in this moment, but that is actually such a great place to be, especially at your age. What you’ve done in broken free from the social norms around you and started looking inward. Amazing for someone so young! Unfortunately, you’re also only 18, which means your brain is still growing and developing… so wisdom is more difficult now than it will be in another 6-10 years. As the frontal lobe finishes it growth, cause and effect become more clear.

It can often be helpful if we don’t just look at “our FUTURE” because it gets really overwhelming really fast. One of my teachers suggested it is better to break it up into small pieces and write it down. For instance, if you look at “school” and simply write down, brainstorm, what your desires are, you won’t have to keep it in your head anymore. When we don’t write down or draw out our vision, we become afraid we will lose a part of it, so we try to keep it alive by hanging on. This is like having an unsaved project on the computer that if we do not have it saved we feel despair if we lose power. The problem is that the desires take up space, which we have to use energy to maintain. If we write them down, the mind can relax.

With your family, are they frustrated that you’re not working? Have your parents indicated that it would be helpful to get a job? Have you spoken with them about your fears of being stretched too thin and not being able to focus enough energy on school? What are your parents hopes for your contribution to the family? Are they satisfied with you? Do they want more?

I felt the call to put those ideas out first, because it seems like at the very manifest level of your life they seem to be the most direct. However, there is also a basic strategy or method of working with ourselves that could help you regain some vitality and energy. Being 18, you might not be able to see it, but I’ll do my best to explain, and you do your best to see. 🙂

Imagine for a moment that you have 10 dollars (your basic vitality) to invest. In the moment you wrote the post for instance, you had 2 bucks invested in comparing yourself to societies portrayal of kids your age. 3 bucks invested in worrying about your contribution to family. 1 bucks invested in tinybuddha. 3 bucks invested in worrying about your ability to create your dreams. 1 dollar was invested in your basic faculties such as breathing, seeing, hearing and so on.

What some have found is that all of the joy we need is actually found in that final “faculties” investment. When we have all our money (attention) spread thin, we are not receiving the energy that is available to us. Different teachers have said it in different ways, but when we bring our attention back into the faculties, we regain our sense of power and beauty.

Jesus said that all of the energy is to be found in the day to day activities. Buddha said that the other investments are created by attachments (our mind getting sucked into them by force of habit), and the payoff is dissatisfaction. The solution is to know thy self, or bringing enough of your attention back into the present moment that we have the energy to overcome the other questions without much difficulty.

To do this, we can meditate, which is a moment in time that we allow all of our attention to become invested in the body. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great video on YouTube called “counting breaths” which is a simple and quite effective method. It makes all the difference in the world, because we become aware of how we are investing our energy. Said differently, we become exhausted by “trying to be someone” and regain it when we recognize that we already “are someone”.

In the Zen tradition, it is often said that in order to awaken we have to drop the personality and realize we are who we are. For instance, you’re concerned you’re not doing enough for the family, that you should be getting a job, that you should be doing more, afraid you’re a burden, setting a bad example for the younger sibling(s) etc etc. It is enough to know you’re concerned. It might even be enough to simply say “I am concerned” because then you are poised to answer the question “is it right that I am concerned? How can I resolve the concern?” As you find out your parent’s hopes for you, you can then decide if the concern is something to let go of, or if your mom could really use more help. Either way, the concern settles. Does that make sense to you?

It is very common to be fearful of the future, especially during big changes like moving from high school to college. I’m excited and impressed by the way you’re relating to your life, and have confidence in your future. The unknown is always upon us, and the more directly we accept that it scares us, the easier it is to pilot our way through. Do you see how amazing you are? Probably not, but I do. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Nico,

I’m very sorry you’re in such an emotionally difficult place, it saddens my heart to know my distant sister is full of despair. Don’t give up, I swear there is such remarkable beauty in this world that it’ll blow your socks off some day. It seems to be a conglomerate of ick going on, and a few things came to heart as I read your words.

I was raised in an environment that was also toxic, with a mom that was constantly shaming (or using me for her esteem “look at what my son can do” but never to me, just to her friends). My dad was loving, but I never saw him. My step-dad was distant and angry. Plus, we moved around a lot, so I didn’t establish any long term friends until later in life. This left me feeling broken and ashamed for a good portion of my life.

Eventually I got fed up with feeling shitty, and decided to figure out what in the world was going on with my mind and emotions. I saw plenty of others less smart, less successful in business, but they were waaay happier. This began a process of exploration that has been so incredibly amazing, it is not even able to be expressed in words.

What I found, more than any philosophy or therapeutical ideology, is that this world is bursting at the seams with loving people. We tend to attract our intent, so people who feel unworthy of human connection don’t seek a surrogate family… they can just sit and stew in the feeling of isolation. This is like being an outsider to the big party here on earth, but there is an open invitation. Sure, your parents are bleh at times, or most of the time. Maybe even all of the time, but their hearts have been wounded from the same process as yours. When we see a world of stress and danger, it can be difficult to remain warm inside.

That’s where the community comes in. Tinybuddha is one, and there are many of them on the net and in cities. People coming together to share their hearts, to show one another what genuine heartfelt support looks like. When we connect to one another, it dispels all that doubt which makes us feel as though we are unlovable, broken or without hope. We know we are loved even when we are struggling with difficult times. All we really need to get through is knowing that one person loves us unconditionally, and I know for a fact you have at least one of those. 🙂 I’m also sure others from tinybuddha will show you!

From there its really just about sorting through the pieces. What baggage have you been left with and how can you “unpack the backpack” so you’re not as weighed down? Healing takes time and effort, but there is sooo much joy along the way that the path fuels itself. We only need the courage to jump in.

Perhaps a breadcrumb that might help is “Brene Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability” which is a 20 minute video that is googleable (is that a word?). Also consider that talking to a therapist might make the process easier.

With warmth,
Matt

Anon,

Did he say he is never going to leave his other relationship? Have you considered talking to him about it? Do you know where he is at or are you imagining/guessing/assuming? He may be just as mixed up as you are!

When friends dabble with “more than friends” it can get confusing fast. If both sides don’t know what the other sees/thinks/feels then both might make up the other side incorrectly, and make decisions based on false information.

With warmth,
Matt

Oskari,

Taking responsibility for your thoughts is not about control… as you say “right -wing” political dominance. Instead, it is about recognizing that when our mind spins we’re not producing the conditions for our happiness. I get these ideas from Buddha (and since, my own experiences), who sat, let his mind settle, and experienced peace, wisdom and joy.

I respect and enjoy your comparisons and resistance. 🙂

One of my teachers told me that when the mind spins out is like a whirlwind that draws us into it. For instance, our mind has a thought “why did she stop loving me” and immediately starts applying our analytical skills to the question. We imagine all sorts of answers to the question. “Shes devious” or “Something is wrong with me” or whatnot. From those answers, we imagine more questions. “Will I love again?” And imagine more answers. And on and on.

Meanwhile, the world goes by while we circle around and around in our head. Taking responsibility for our thoughts is not about trying to “stop thinking” these things, but recognizing the spinning is harming us. Then, we open up the space around the thoughts (sitting in meditation) and the whirlwind settles naturally. Said differently, its like when a forest fire is raging through a country side and firefighters clear out parts of the forest so it does not spread and spread. This might look like: “yes, there are lots of questions, lots of unknown. However, now it is not necessary to imagine answers. Now is a good time to notice my breath. Now is a good time to sit and let the mind settle. Breathing in, I feel the air come in. Breathing out, I feel the air go out.”. As you let your attention move to the breath, the mind will pull you back in, and the effort is only to notice it and move back to feeling the breath.

The suggested reading can help more. If you’re interested. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Oskari,

It does seem you’re somewhat down, but relating to your feelings pretty well all things considered! I really like the way you were able to break it up into different chunks. It might help (at least make you feel less alone) to read up on the stages of grief. You’ve got them pretty well nailed in my opinion.

As is often the case with an analytic mind, you seem to be being lead around by your thoughts. Said differently, you seem to be spinning and spinning inside your head. You also seem to think that it is the girl who is making you depressed, but that is delusion. Its the spinning in your head that drains the vitality.

I’m so sorry for the rough spot you’re in, it sounds very painful. Sakyong Mipham has a great book “Turning the Mind into an Ally” that can help with the spinning thoughts. Really, until you realize that the spinning is the cause and try to help your mind settle, there is little advice not already expressed in the thread that will help you.

Everyone has difficulties like yours, but the lucky ones realize that when it becomes too heavy, we can choose to set it down. That’s when we can see the way things really are.

You’re a good man, and will certainly love again. Your romantic spirit is grieving, and its just that your mind isn’t giving it space to breathe. Its no wonder you feel like you’re drowning! Suck it up, man up, and stand up to the spinning. Get your butt on a cushion and breathe. When your mind starts racing say “yes, there is a lot of unknown, but here is my body and it is breathing, grieving, healing”. You ask how long the razors come, and that’s up to you and how stubbornly your brain hangs on to the past. Sorry for the tough love, I mean no harm… but really! Wake up!

With warmth,
Matt

Lulu,

Your yearning is worth respecting, and does not arise because of a “void”. Hellno has issues 🙂 There is magic when two join as one in heart, mind and body… that you are honoring that and looking to understand what to do next is awesome. Not that you need help rejecting wrong views, but i felt the call to respond just in case it left a canker. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Lex,

Is this for a friend or is it for Lex? If the girl has interest, and he has interest, then its worth pursuing. Wanting to “know what it all means” can inhibit the natural flow of intimacy… perhaps taking it one step at a time is the best course.

With warmth,
Matt

Lulu,

In contrast to the other view expressed so far, a few things came to heart as I read your words. I can understand the yearning to share our life with an intimate partner, and to express our love through having children. Congratulations on building many successful areas in your life! A romance is not that different from other creations, and I have lots of faith that the pieces will come together for you.

One of my teachers suggested that if I wanted an amazing intimacy that it would be helpful to write down what I was looking for. As both a heartfelt prayer and a deeper understanding of what I would like, my prayer was answered. It isn’t that much different than a business plan, where we crystallize our vision into a workable direction. Then, as we move forward, our heart has a way of pulling us toward that vision. For me, it was highly effective. When I met my wife, I was not looking, rather I was following my heart and we met while playing… and she and I simply clicked.

If you consider writing down a vision of they type of man you feel you’d be compatible with, consider digging deep within and write from the heart. Consider trading material qualities such as height and weight for inner qualities such as the way he sees the world and the way he pours himself into it.

Then, we can let go and trust that our heart and the universe are working together to see that yearning met. Keep open to your inspiration, because often that is where our guidance arrives… our inner voice sings a creative possibility, and when we follow it (for instance, a weird food desire or seeing an advertisement for a gathering that sounds fun) then we are giving space and nourishment to our heartfelt prayer.

In the meantime, it might be helpful to let the “time is running out” feeling to settle. It reminds me of Zaphod Beeblebrox from Hitchhiker’s Guide who said “Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.” 🙂 I find breathing meditation helpful in settling emotions, but any method where we self-nurture and get up ready to play may work. Our bodies and minds need reminding that we have the potential to feel happiness and satisfaction here and now, without the need for any other material conditions. From that place of contentment, we are more able to connect to the information present in the moment, both internal intuition and external circumstance.

Good luck on your path!

With warmth,
Matt