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MattParticipantAngie and John,
This reminds me of a teaching i was given on the nature of phenomena. Imagine there were an illusionist on a stage who placed a stone on the table in the center of the stage. She says some magic words and a spell comes down over the rock to make it appear like a pile of gold. The people in the audience see the pile, and immediately begin to think thoughts such as “I want the gold, I wish to be rich, I need to be faster and more cunning than the person next to me to get that gold, etc etc.” The magician knows its a rock, but was part of the spell, and so even though she knows it is a rock, it still looks like gold.
For the magician, there is only the cloudy perception, and she knows it is cloudy so she doesn’t have the cravings for the gold. For the audience, there is a cloudy perception and no knowledge of its true nature, so there is craving. The Buddha, or one who is awake, sees the rock.
Said differently, the moment we experience the trauma is the rock. Immediately the mind casts a spell on the rock to make it appear permanent, continuous, gold. That is trauma, this is me. As we practice, we become aware that it is a rock, but it still initiates grasping in the mind because the painful emotions feel “real” or “permanent” or “lasting”. When we have a direct perception of the spellcasting, we see that it is impermanent, empty of qualities of gold-ness. In the Buddha, because there isn’t a view arising in the mind, she or he can listen to the descriptions of the object on the table from whomever, and cast the anti-spell which frees the magician to see the rock directly and the audience to know that the gold is a rock (even though they continue to see gold).
Angie, if you’d like more information, would you be willing to be more specific? Different problems manifest in unique ways, and with a little more information we may be able to help more directly!
John, all things which arise have within them the conditions for their cessation. Said differently, agitation looks like agitation when we are agitated, and luminous potential we are at rest.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantCool,
In addition to the other kindly and pertinent words, consider that accepting that we act unskillfully when in pain is part of finding peace of mind. You’re far from a monster. A monster would never worry that he was a monster.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantSharon,
It is unusual for me to disagree with John, but on this occasion his words appear to arise from his own side. Consider that Singapore is an event that is externally controlled, where the respect and support you have for your daughter is something she will always need, not just during those five days.
My suggestion is to approach your daughter and tell her your conflicted feelings over going or staying. How you wish to continue to nourish her well being. Then ask her what her perceptions are, what she would like. Would a special event such as a weekend away after you get back from Singapore be an appropriate celebration for her beautiful milestone? Our children are far more flexible and dedicated to our happiness than we usually expect. You are conflicted, that is enough. To go or stay is not important as an indication of how much you love her. The love creates the conflict, and it is fine, normal and honorable to seek compromise.
Does the last day of high school mean as much to your daughter as it does to you? You may very well be making something out of nothing. Obviously if the daughter really wants your presence with her during this time, perhaps you could have a later journey with your new partner. However, most parents care way more than their children over their accomplishments. She may even see it as a graduating of trust and respect, because as she becomes a woman, you treat her like a woman.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantCrissy,
I’m deeply moved by your response, and your gratitude was clear ringing as a bell. You’re welcome, and I am glad we connected! A few things came to heart as I read your words.
In terms of holistic health, it really depends on what speaks to you. Its said that selenite crystals resonate with an angelic healing energy, and when I used to feel isolated and down, I would hold one in each hand and did feel the emotion settle. Over time, as I began to meditate more frequently, they became unnecessary as Buddhist styles of meditation are very profoundly helpful in settling emotions. Depending on how thick the icky is, it might help you get started (like crutches for a sprained ankle.)
Another thing that might really help is if you become a reiki healer. With traumas like ours, there are sometimes lots of root, sacral and crown chakra issues that being able to self soothe with direct energy healing is beneficial. Or, you can lightly trace spirals with your finger tips (almost not touching the skin) around your legs, pelvis, navel and head. This can help areas we’ve put to sleep to protect ourselves. If you have a partner, and you have a stable intimacy, they could also do that for you. Reiki would personally be my first choice however, and the method would be taught during the class.
As for the self sabotaging, that means different things to different people. There are some great books out there on positive self talk. If you’re referring to the all or nothing perfection or worthless behavior, that’s a vacillation that will dismantle as the patterns of shame dismantle. Said differently, when we have a block in our crown, instead of feeling confident humility no matter what result we see, we vibrate between shame (when we feel we failed/dislike the results) and pride (when we feel we succeeded/like the results). The pride/shame knot inhibits the nourishment we get from our creation. I don’t want to dive too deep into all of that, its already a lot to take in! 🙂
Remember to be patient. You’re worth taking the time to heal, and step by step the clouds will part. The sun shines, the rain falls, the grass grows, the flowers bloom. Namaste.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantVictoria,
I can understand why it can feel difficult to be open enough to feel compassion for your mom. It is quite often that people think being compassionate is a gift to the other, but it is not. Being compassionate is about you.
When I suggested you embark on a metta practice, it was not to help your mom. Let her post on tinybuddha if she wants that! Cultivating metta for your mom is about you. Its about freeing yourself from your mental and emotional agitation. It has nothing to do with her. If you act more kindly toward her, that is a fragrance, a byproduct. When we do metta, we free our own minds.
If it were easy for you to feel metta for your mom, it wouldn’t be necessary! Look at it like this for a moment: imagine every time you hear the word “shazam” you feel mental agitation. The practice would be the same. First breathe and clear some space. Then kittens for warmth in the heart. Then kittens saying “shazam” from the space of the warmth. Then “shazam” loses its hold on your mind. The word is just a word, your mom is just your mom, but metta is for your agitation, your prison, your habits of feeling crappy.
For anger, the first rule is to do no harm. Buddha noted that when we get angry, we feel like the anger is just, and we can use it to “give back” what we were given. This is foolish. Anger is corrosive. When we hold it, we burn away precious vitality and experience terrible painfulness. He said it is like hanging on to a hot ember with the intention of throwing it at someone, but the hand that is burnt is our own. This is not that different than the explanation for metta. Letting go of the anger is not about her, its about you freeing your precious and beautiful mind from the grips of icky.
Metta will help with compression that leads to anger. To help our body heal from anger, we can sit with it and breathe. “Yep, here’s this energy again, low and behold it still sucks and hurts.” Breathe in “feeling the air on my nostrils” breathing out “feeling the air on my nostrils”. If you do any kind of meditation, all you really need to do is feel the emotion and gently move your mind back to the meditation object, whatever it might be. Breath, numbers, posture etc.
The thing you will wish to avoid is blerting out with it where the fire could do harm. This isn’t to protect the other (such as your mom) but to protect you. When we try to wield anger, we set into motion a series of cycles that comes back to us as getting angry again. Instead, we step aside and let the emotion settle without doing anything stupid with it. 🙂 In this way, we take control of our mind and body and stop letting others “make” us feel icky.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantVictoria,
You ask some great questions! I like the way you’re approaching this from “what can I do from my side” instead of trying to change your mom. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
If only our parents were perfect, eh?
The fact is that they are people. When I was in my twenties, I also had difficulty letting go of the difference between who my mom was and what I wished I had as a mother. Said differently, as I grew into a more compassionate person, and started connecting with very loving and nurturing women, I felt a feeling of loss at what I missed out on. There were a couple things that lead me settle the attachment.
The first was that if I had a mother who acted differently, I would not be the man that I am. It reminds me of the zen saying “perhaps your only purpose is to serve as a warning to others” :). When we see the difference between what we had and what we can now create, there is so much more appreciation for what we have. It is like people who are raised in poverty have a much greater appreciation for whatever wealth they have, and do not take the good things in life for granted.
If you are aligned to with views of reincarnation and life plans and so forth, consider that your mom came before you as agreed, and shouldered a lifelong burden of mental illness to provide the perfect conditions for Victoria to open up and appreciate the beauty of life. What a gift she gave to you!
With this view, all we really need to do is let go of the agitation we feel when we experience their patterns. Said differently, if you can have a view of unconditional acceptance for the sacrifice of you mom, all that is left is really putting that into practice.
There is no tool I have found that rivals metta practice for soothing agitations. Metta is a label Buddhists use for unconditional positive regard, or loving-kindness. What we do is a few moments of breathing meditation to calm the mind, and then bring in something we find it easy to feel warm toward. Kittens, children, trusted friends, etc. As we envision one of those, we sit and notice the warmth in our our chest and sit with it. Just noticing the warmth is good, we don’t have to do anything with it, we are just nourishing the roots of our kindness. After 5-10 minutes of sitting with the warmth, you can envision your mom as a child playing with some toys. Imagine your warmth spreading around her, and wishing for her to keep that loving innocence around her. Look at her and wish, like a silent observer, that you could help her grow up happy and peaceful. Let the sorrow come in, knowing that her life will be hard for her, and picture your love surrounding her difficulties and pains. If the warmth fades, you could perhaps love back to the kittens or friends, and wish for their well being.
After only a few weeks of this kind of practice, most of the agitation will disappear. In its stead will be Victoria’s heart shining strong, grateful and helpful… accepting of mom’s barbs and hooks, selfishness and mindlessness. After all, despite being your mom, she is also part of our human family, all trying our best to dance and play during the short time we’re alive.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantChelsey,
You are not crazy for wanting closure! In agree with John that perhaps closure is something you won’t find with her, but within yourself. Consider that you’re in pain, and when we are in pain we become selfish. This is normal and usual.
Its also not surprising that after a long icky relationship and breakup that the heart needs time to heal before it can reopen. I wonder if you’re seeing it as “she hurt me” instead of what’s really there. You were more emotionally available than she was, and you invested more than she did. That’s not her fault, its not really anyone’s fault. Its just the way your feelings of love met poor timing and unhealed history in your partner. You saying “she hurt me” only furthers the myth that she is in charge of your feelings, leaving you a victim to the closure. If “she hurt you” then only “she can heal you”.
That’s only a codependent myth, however. You loved, found out it was unrequited, and so became painful instead of ecstatic. I’m really sorry for that pain, too many people in this world suffer from it.
Perhaps the closure will come from recognizing that you want a loving partner who is emotionally available. She wasn’t one of them, so perhaps it is ok to move on with the lesson learned. Now you know more clearly what you are looking for, all you really have to do is stop looking backward into the past and look forward.
I hope you find peace in the present! Its available inside you, you don’t need her or me or John or your therapist to give it to you. Its in your nature. Others might help try to remind you, but its inside you already.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantCrissy,
I am so very sorry for all you have been through. My heart goes out to you, deeply and full of sorrow that a dear sister has been wounded in such a way. One of the hardest things for us to accept is how terrible things happen to great people, and as we encounter one another, all we can do is weep for the past and offer our love.
I was also molested as a child, and there are some things that I learned about healing from it that came to heart as I read your words. Take heart, because the path of healing is one you’re already walking, and for me at least, freedom was only a few key ideas away… and with courage to jump off of an old cliff into a new view, healing is like one beautiful fruit after another.
For me, at least, the most challenging obstacle was shame. As I would sit in a group of people and watched how they interacted, I would feel isolated… like I had a dark secret that prevented me from being myself around them. Almost like my experiences were some kind of disease that I was afraid I would spread if I opened myself up to them. I would compensate by being “reactionary” or playing with the ideas they brought up, but never exposing myself. For fear for them, and for fear of me. Could they really accept someone as broken and abused as I?
This knot of view/action comprised what one of my teachers called my “shame core” and was difficult to untangle. It sapped my confidence and destroyed my inner peace. Almost as if I was forcing myself to live with armor that was always on. The first untangling happened when I realized that what had happened to me was not sex.
My teacher helped me see what sex was. Its a moment of love and connection between two people. That it was a sacred act of beauty, and full of togetherness and wonder, exploration and pleasure. Even though I had been penetrated, it was not sex… it was something else.
The shame was being fueled by my body’s reaction to abuse. Even though my mind knew something was wrong, my body enjoyed it. There was pain involved, but there was also a lot of pleasure. I would even seek my abuser for more! As I grew up and realized what had happened, I had a difficult time forgiving myself for acting in such a way. For me, this was the center of the knot. How could I accept that I initiated acts of penetration and still call it abuse?
My teacher very gently explained that it was very common in victims of sexual abuse. Even though it was painful and demeaning to the spirit, it was a connection. It was something I knew I could do right. This tied it into my self esteem, and self identity.
As I opened up to others, and shared my story with close friends (after carrying it around like a weight for a long time) I was surprised at the responses. They would throw their arms around me and cry. They would show amazing sympathy, and I began to realize that the past did not define who I was, and I was not alone.
I wasn’t a little kid anymore, unable to escape or find my way home. I was an adult, with the ability to say no, to ignore critics, to walk away from the past and move on. I have the memory of what feels wrong (even when at the physical level it feels pleasurable) and through it have a knowledge and intuition of what feels right.
I don’t know how much of my struggle relates to yours, but I can say with absolute certainty that you are neither alone or unlovable. On the contrary, you are very, easily, lovable. And there are many people who have been through similar experiences, and who know the feeling of isolation.
The second knot was boundaries. As you noted, people might “walk all over us”. It up to us to understand and set boundaries. In the past, we may have had no escape, and perhaps it was less dangerous for us to let go and have no boundaries. That was fine for then, but not now! Now we are older, capable and safe. It is actually quite helpful for others when we set them, because it gives people a way to relax and trust. Said differently, when we are clear about what we do like and do not like, other people don’t have to waste energy trying to guess.
The path of healing these knots (as opposed to just seeing them) is all about the courage to be honest. Brene Brown has a great TED talk about the power of vulnerability which I highly recommend. Another I reccomend is a movie called “Lars and the Real Girl”.
Essentially, when we are in a situation or conversation, we surrender into our spontaneous creativity. Said differently, we open up by talking about what comes into our heart and mind, and learn very directly that others not only accept us, and love us, but that what we have to say is part of the divine love that we are seeking. Fear arises when we feel disconnected, but the solution is to say “yes, that’s fear” and jump anyway. Consider that courage can only arise in the presence of fear. After we jump in a few times, we become almost fearless, because even if the exchange goes poorly, we feel content that we tried our best… and it feels waaay better to try and fail than to sit and wallow in the feeling of isolation. Especially when our creativity is nurturing to others, because we’ve seen the ick in this world and can surrender into unconditional love for self and others… knowing that healing and peace is available for all.
Have hope, Crissy. Now that the external circumstances are more settled, the internal circumstances will also settle. Keep jumping, keep asking, and know you are loved. As we open up and speak from the heart, the dissatisfaction or “tastelessness” erodes and we are left with a view that shines like the sun. And, if I missed with these words, disregard any of them. 🙂 Or, feel free to ask other questions, both myself and this community are full of innovations and ideas that help with even the most oddly challenging puzzles. Buddha said that community is critical to development, because it is often easier to see others’ difficulties than our own. Namaste.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantRm056789,
Is that your real name? No wonder you’ve been robotic in action if you were named so! 🙂
It sound like you’re experiencing burnout. If you’re 3 years into a PhD, you’re not that far from being a Doctor. This will give a lot of freedom to you! Is there really no career or life path that the PhD relates to that you would enjoy doing?
Do you self-nurture? Sometimes when we are overly stressed, we feel we are on autopilot and everything becomes a chore. Its possible that you’re just in the wrong place, but it is also possible your stress is turning everything you’re doing into a painful experience. The solution varies per individual, but sometimes all we need to do is remember how to play.
One Zen trick is to get in front of a mirror and act goofy. Cluck like a chicken, wave your arms around, speak nonsense and look at how ridiculous you are! We forget sometimes how playful life can be, and we knit our brows and become sooo serious. There’s a kid in there under the numbers, and perhaps that kid needs a little space to play. 🙂
Here’s a joke:
A student walks into a monetary and approaches the master. “If I join your sangha, how long until I become enlightened?”“Ten years” the master says.
“What if I double my efforts and work really hard?”
“Twenty years.”
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantCaitlyn,
As an Aries, perhaps it is quite a challenge to do nothing! 🙂 Audette’s words resonate well with the internal stuff, but then again you also want to hang out peacefully with them. Perhaps the mars-warrior-leader inside you would do well to “fight them with kindness”. If you can see their lack of acceptance, and accept it, then their barbs won’t hurt. “I accept you and your lack of acceptance, its your thing, not mine.” My understanding of aries’ patterns are limited, but proactive is an understatement. 🙂
Buddha took this same approach with a man who approached him with anger. The Buddha smiled and explained that the mans anger was his, it did not belong to the Buddha, and so why would there be anything but a smile?
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantCaitlyn,
What does your boyfriend say about the cousin? The wisdom that seems most resonant here is from the bible paraphrasing matthew. First, go to the cousin and try to settle it. If that works, congrats! You’ve gained a family member. If that doesn’t work, ask your boyfriend to speak on your behalf. If that doesn’t work, all you can do is let it go.
Consider that if his family is afraid it will be you or them, it might be causing real stress for them. We all act less skillfully when overly stressed, and so you don’t have to make it about you. They would probably act the same if he wanted to move away for any reason. Seeing that, and being at peace with it, is a major hurdle on the path of letting go. Its not about you, it is OK and rational to let it remain about them! 🙂
Is there a plan for long term togetherness? Are you moving closer to be with him or is he moving closer to be with you? Is it unsettled? The answer to that question kind of determines how to approach the attempt to heal the intimacy with his family.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantE,
I really like your question “is it part of our nature”! The answer is both yes and no.
The first step in understanding the reason its yes and no is to realize that there is a real gravity to our addictions. Said differently, in your mind, the ideas around “boyfriend” and “romantic fulfillment” and “what happened” actually suck you into them. There are components to the gravity, but seeing it is necessary. Being free requires effort, and flying is about breaking gravity. We have to realize that our brain runs away, and even convinces us we’re doing good work in following the gravity. Here we see the answer yes, it is part of our nature. Our life is rich with suffering, which is the first noble truth Buddha taught.
However, he also discovered that the gravity is impermanent, that it is only ignorance which sustains the habit. When we begin to relate to and feel the gravity directly, we can begin to let it go. John gave those keys already, in rightly suggesting you sit and feel the energy in your body right now. And right now. And right now. The gravity erodes as we stop thinking “it is unavoidable” and recognize that “it is subject to ceasing”. Said differently, if you stop believing that the man is the cause of the gravity, and recognize that your habit IS the gravity, it becomes a simple (but difficult) matter of moving your mind away from the object of your obsession and back into your body. Not “boyfriend->breakup->what did I do->how could he->etc etc”. Instead, “boyfriend->breakup->wait, here is the cycle->what was the teaching?->oh yes, breathe and feel the energy in the body”. Then the mind detaches from the cycle and erodes the gravity.
With practice, the habit erodes. So here the answer is no, suffering is not part of our nature inherently. It is just sustained through our ignorance of the cycle. This is part of our nature. Buddha said that we have a fundamental ignorance, that we are born without the skill to use our mind instead of being used by it. The seed of knowing is also part of our nature. Namaste is “the Buddha in this body bows to the Buddha in that body”. Said differently, “because we know all have the ability to awaken, my awake parts call to your awake parts and together, we grow”.
Namaste, E!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantWell said John! E, as a rephrasing of John’s insightful words, consider that the lesson of the mind maze is not to find a way through, rather we learn to let go of the maze. Namaste.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantJetta,
You’re already doing something, you’re looking! It sounds like you’re in an information gathering stage, which is great. Consider just doing that, looking. When you experience your partner, what feelings arise in you? What thoughts? Honor those, there is a lot of information there!
In the meantime, perhaps you could be more assertive in setting boundaries. Its possible he’s not toxic, just ignorant. If you say “I do not like those words/actions, they leave me feeling icky” does he respond lovingly? Does he just steamroll you and your desires?
Your input is not only worthy of both of your attention, it is critical. Some people need others to be direct in their approach to boundaries, or they feel the need to be in control and “save people” from themselves. If you are trying to set boundaries and your partner is unable or unwilling to listen, it may be time to move on. Intimacy cannot survive without them, and intimacy is far to beautiful to forsake.
With warmth,
MattJuly 17, 2013 at 7:36 am in reply to: Congratulating myself a little early… need examples of how to avoid this. #38795MattParticipantVinay,
Yes, this is common! When we embark on a creative project, after we “find our groove” the energy pours out of us. After we look back at what we’ve done, we say “that is an awesome job I did” and step out of the groove.
What I see is a shame-humility-pride paradigm that exists in our crown chakra. When we create something, there is a focus that we step into that is the creativity of the universe expressing itself through us. Said differently, in those moments, we surrender the sense of self to the creation and focus most of our attention on the project. The sense of “me” slides away, and it becomes the universe manifesting art with our body.
When we step out of the groove, we look back with a sense of self revitalized. If we judge the art as good, we say “look what I did, I am awesome to create such art” and pride invigorates the sense of self. If we judge the art as bad, we say “look at what I did, I am unable to create good art” and shame invigorates the sense of self. Either way, the groove is interrupted as the self looms in our mind.
The center path is humility, which keeps the crown open. Before, during and after the creation, we accept that we are not really the creator of the art. Someone made the pencils, the paper. We had teachers, parents, who had teacher and parents. We are simply the cresting of a wave of countless pieces that are coming together in the moment to create the art. It is not about “us”, we’re just the bodies that are standing on the shoulders of giants. We do our best to honor their efforts with our own efforts, and let it rest at that. The art we create is beautiful, and we are blessed to have such shoulders to be standing on. When we look at the art, we can decide if it feels like it honors the efforts of our bodies and those of our teachers, or if it does not. Then we can either improve it or move on to the next creation. Its not about us.
This prevents the energy of the divine from getting “pushed out” of the crown by our sense of self. If the mind is stubborn in letting go of the pride/shame, we can meditate on the insight and look deeply into how “making our art about us” is a zero sum game. Habitual pride creates habitual shame, and vice versa.
With warmth,
Matt -
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