P,

Yes! Finally you are asking questions which might help you, even though they are phrased as though she has the key to your peace. Consider it is possible to find peace in the truth of what has happened. You already see it, it just doesn’t feel like enough because your pain continues to make it all about you. So, its time to flex that big heart of yours!

The truth is you have your view of the events, and also what she has been comfortable telling you. When you see a liar, that is from your side, projecting a permanent quality where there is none. She is not “a liar”… rather, when she is scared she tries to find the least painful path, which might include lying. It is conditional based on trust. You pushed and pushed, and instead of hiding like she wanted to, she seems to have felt backed into a corner. We really don’t know what it was like on her side, and you have been so caught up on yours that you haven’t been looking at her.

Perhaps when you imagine her with that other man you can only see her actions. How could she kiss him!?! There was a lot more going on than that, and unless she really just doesn’t love you, there was certainly shame, confusion, mindlessness (alcohol), loneliness and who knows what else. There was your love, scared and alone with pressures inside and outside, pushing her around. It was certainly disorienting and full of suffering. If she had fallen off a bus and broken her foot, would you also make it about you? She told you she was shoved and couldn’t find the will to resist, and yet when she fell out of tune with your intimacy, instead of letting her fall into your arms for comfort, you made it about you and labelled her as a “betrayer”.

So, how big is that heart really? Bigger than your mind? Can you reach out to her in that vision in your head and love the woman who fell? Are your lips so demanding that they cannot forgive hers? I believe in you, and in love.

Now, that being said, it may be that she is actually prone to misstepping like that, which will make it very hard for her to maintain intimacy with a partner. She maybe callous and uncaring to the phool. I don’t know, she’s not posting on tinybuddha. The view I describe is to help free your mind, rather than figure out her side. That is up to you to invite her to talk to you about what she wants, sees, thinks and feels.

Because there is such a high amount of chaos in your mind and emotions, it may help to have a cathartic release. When you are feeling the pressure inside, scream into a pillow, jiggle your body, jump up and down, flail around like a phool. You’d be surprised at how much help is to be found in just getting the energy moving again.

If you keep finding your mind is getting pulled back into suffering and spinning, then perhaps metta practice will help. It is great at helping settle agitation. Search YouTube for “Jayasaro metta” if you’re interested.

For powerful emotions, sitting meditation may help. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great counting breath meditation technique on YouTube, or you could pick up a copy of Zen Mind, Beginners Mind by Shunryu Suzuki. Or, if you’re inclined you could visit a local Buddhist center and see about some instruction. I promise there is something magical about being with someone who sees deep into your dysfunction and is peacefully compassionate and accepting… plus a teacher can check your posture and so forth. Its worth the effort!

With warmth,
Matt

Kenny,

You have nothing to be ashamed of, you were exploring! Perhaps there are attachments when it comes to sex, but we all look around in different ways before figuring out what we like and don’t like. If, for instance, when you were 13 you played little league baseball before deciding you would rather play basketball… would you be ashamed that you tried baseball and found out wasn’t your preference? Would you be afraid that she might fear you don’t really like basketball and dream of playing baseball?

Its silly, I know, but don’t bother repressing it… you’re very ordinary. If she loves you, she loves you. It is easier share love between open hearts, which takes courage. If you don’t feel safe talking about it, don’t worry about it… maybe someday you will. If it ever comes up, just be courageous and honest. That will give her the easiest time letting go of any fears she has that she might not be enough for you. If you trust her enough to surrender all of yourself to her, then how could she doubt that you are her dearest love? And, if her doubts arise, you’ll already be open and heartfelt, which is perhaps what she will need from you.

With warmth,
Matt

Sapna,

That reminds me of a story regarding Ananda. He was a close friend of the Buddha, and was at his side during most of his teachings. After the Buddha died, Ananda wept for the loss of his dear friend and teacher. But a deeper weeping set upon Ananda as he realized that in all those years, after hearing the dharma from Buddha on countless occasions he had not yet become enlightened. He wept at the loss of his own freedom, because the teacher was now gone. All night he cried, and in the morning became enlightened. He had placed the ability to awaken on the Buddha, and with him gone had no where to turn but inside, where he found his peace.

Perhaps you’ve been putting the keys to your happiness in the hands of your partner. I wonder if the exhusband is that voice inside that says you cannot do it alone, that someone out here controls your fate. This is not the case. Perhaps the relationships you’ve had continue to arise like they do because even though they are painful, they feel more like home than your own heart. In the heart is pure potential, where, with freedom on our breath we step with courage into the unknown. Just because the ex husband says that you cannot change, grow, become… means nothing unless you agree with him. If you don’t, it is simply his lack of clear seeing and compassion. Why make it about you?

Consider that there is a seed of the Buddha in each of us, and that seed needs only rain and water. There is no such thing as “broken beyond repair” or “worthless”. There is the seed, and then the soil in which it is buried. As your heart grows its roots outward, it is normal to uncover what has been holding us back from joy. The dream is perhaps that soil, which nourishes the seed. Said differently, you know it was only a dream, and yet it was vivid and potent. As you let go of this notion that other people determine your fate, the exhusband loses his power over your emotions and becomes fuel for growth. Where else in the waking world does the ex husband still have a grip?

Seeing it is enough, its OK to let it go. The exhusband is also the Buddha, and in all these years next to him you haven’t awakened, and so create him over and over. Let it go, he holds no keys for you. Those are in the trees and the wind, the song of change and growth all around you. As you sit and let him go, what was lost is found. The pain of sorrow is only there to wake us up. Then we can let go, we can see what connection to cut, what view to abandon.

Pema Chodron has a great book “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times” that may strike you well. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Phool,

I’m sorry for the difficulty that you’ve been having, it sounds like a big mess of thoughts and emotions all swirling around. When we are in pain, it is normal to act in such a way… but I must agree that you’ve been acting like a fool.

Why is forgiveness so difficult for you? Consider that all of us make mistakes, and she has made some for sure. So have you. You can see her issues with boundaries, self-esteem, and being honest. Was she right to be afraid of admitting to you that she had erred? Is your love so weak that it closes down in the presence of some moments of weakness?

What I see is you have two real options. One is you accept her as she is, which includes a certain amount of baggage from being abused in the past. If she is worth accepting that, then you have some apologizing to do. Trust is about there being enough space in the relationship that being honest is OK. You closed that space by insisting and demanding, spying and accusing. It is not appropriate to demand others’ honesty.

Instead, what we can do is tell them our feelings, how important honesty is to a lasting intimacy, and offer them a chance to join us in togetherness. Said differently, if I were her I would not feel safe being honest with you, because you batter her with your insistence and spying (which is manipulative deception). You insisted for weeks that she be honest with you, and then dropped her like a stone when she finally tried to come clean? And you think SHE is the one that betrayed the intimacy?

I do not wish to be inconsiderate to you, its just that you seem to be teetering on the edge of being abusive, and I am hoping that you can see the way your unsettled emotions have lead you to forcing that which should not be forced.

The other option is to throw in the towel. If you can not accept her as she is, then perhaps it is best to move on. That being said, if she wants to get help for her esteem issues that lead to kissing, because she sees how that harmed the relationship, then it is reasonable to help her. It is even perfectly just for you to say that the only way you’d feel able to commit to her is if she gets help. It is just not OK for you to insist that she change to be good enough for you. Plenty of people out there accept people as they are, and would be far more understanding than you have been. Its true that her actions erode intimacy, but the severing of it is something you did… your betrayal.

If you can surrender all of that muck flying through your mind and heart, and set it down, perhaps you can see what is really there. She was or is confused and acted unskillfully. You felt pain and acted unskillfully. You two are the same, mirrors for each other. That is either something you can accept or not.

With warmth,
Matt

Sapna,

Letting go while hanging on must be very confusing! My teacher said that letting go is about working with the emotions skillfully. Imagine the memories and feelings like a powerful wind. When that wind blows up against our house (body) we try to close the front door and keep them out. This is like telling yourself not to think about something, or not feel something. We end up putting all of our weight against the door, and still the wind blows harder.

Instead, we open the back door and let the wind blow right through. This is what we do when we accept that the pain, feelings and memories are present and here, now. Instead of forcing them away, we go and find a chair and sit and let the wind blow right through. The wind isn’t the danger, your sorrow is not the danger. The danger is how much life and vitality you use up when you are trying to keep the front door closed. Said differently, you don’t have to do anything with the emotions… as you breathe they will settle. Finding a chair and sitting down is how we stop ourselves from running around the house afraid that we’ll lose something if we don’t chase the wind. Said differently, there isn’t a need to keep chasing thoughts around your head looking for answers. As you simply notice the thoughts and let them pass through, the emotions will settle with time.

Instead, what’s happening is you’re following the thoughts around until you’re exhausted, or encounter an unsolvable puzzle (over the phone, that’s not good enough!!) and then all of your vitality goes right into the puzzle. Then, oops! Where’d sapna go?

Ajahn Jayasaro has a counting breath meditation on YouTube that will help with your concentration, so you’re not being run by your mind. Instead, you can do something different. Consider how much beauty is around you (that you can’t see) because your mind sucks all of your attention into the past! Its OK, but you deserve way better.

With warmth,
Matt

Sapnap,

I’m empathetic to your struggles, and wish happiness and peace for you. This reminds me of a teaching from Zen. You will feel better in 3 months time. If you work really hard at letting the false hope fade, you will feel better in 6 months time. Do you see?

It is like someone who thinks their bottom is too fat, and that makes them depressed. So they go to the freezer and pull out chocolate ice cream to make themselves feel better. Do you see?

Said differently, you were with him, and now you’re alone. This naturally makes you feel lonely. When you feel lonely, you imagine him as the solution to your loneliness, because when you were with him you did not feel alone. But he’s gone, so you feel even more lonely. Its a cycle that you have to let go of! When you feel lonesome, do something else, anything else but travel back in time in your mind and make wishes that you could do that again.

He doesn’t owe you closure in the way you wish it, let go of that one too. Its just more craving for ice cream, because you don’t like the emotions in your body. Perhaps you could cry, scream, get some hugs from your friends, go for a walk, do some meditation, climb a mountain, swim in a lake… but get out of your head and your addiction to that man.

With warmth,
Matt

There are two discourses on metta that I am aware of (I type on a phone so it is difficult to link) but here is the one most beloved:

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/snp/snp.1.08.than.html

Here is a link to Ajahn Jayasaro speaking on metta, including its method:

If it doesn’t link, you could search YouTube for “jayasaro metta”. Ajahn Jayasaro’s whole series is like a glass of fresh water for the mind, if you’re into that kind of thing. 🙂

Yes, we are not victims, we create and maintain our emotions. Buddha said that being ignorant of that is something fundamental, such as being born without knowing the alphabet or how to make a hammer. However, once taught, everything changes. We no longer have to create and maintain favorable external circumstances in order to be peaceful. Instead, we bring the peace to whatever circumstances we encounter.

With warmth,
Matt

E,

I’m sorry for your pain… I wish that there were additional gentle, consoling words to help, but you seem to be in a loop and stubbornly minded!

He moved on. You haven’t. He was in a car with someone, and you assume it was your replacement. Your pain is your pain, its not from him. Consider screaming and beating on some pillows. You seem to be suppressing instead of healing, cycling instead of using the situation to work with your mind.

I really don’t wish to be harsh, but your mind is strong enough that perhaps it needs a kick in the butt to get it unstuck. You’re torturing yourself and ignorantly blaming him. Its your issue, not his. Scream it out, writhe your body, get the energy moving. Or wallow, you are blessed with free will and can suffer as long as you wish.

With warmth,
Matt