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MattParticipantAlana,
I’m really excited and happy for the growth that you’ve been going through! You seem to be being a bit hard on yourself, calling yourself weak and relapsing and so on because of the adderall. Its OK and fine for you to let go of the self-doubt, its what Buddha called a second arrow!
When we make a decision that produces harm, it is like an arrow shot into our body. You already saw that in the way adderall made you feel sick and tired. Then, on top of that the mind attacks itself for getting hit with the arrow. It is as though another arrow strikes alongside the first! So now, not only does the loving Alana with a heart full of children feel sick and tired, but also sick with doubt and worry.
We don’t need that second arrow once we see the first arrow! Said differently, you know how adderall makes you feel icky, and if you just sit with that then the desire to take it again will fade. The whole “why did I do that again?” has a much simpler and truer answer than “Alana is broken somehow”. Your concentration waned, and you made a mindless decision. It happens to all of us.
This is why they say Buddhism is a practice. We sit on the cushion and nourish our inner stability. As soon as we get up from the cushion, our meditative concentration begins to wane as we engage with the busy hubbub of the world. That’s when what we’ve learned and developed on the cushion is put to the test.
You’re far stronger than you know, and less broken than you believe. It is normal to become swept into doing things we know is incorrect for our well being. When we accept that, after we get back to the cushion, those dumb decisions become fuel. It is said that breakdown+awareness=breakthrough. Said differently, as you slip into old habits with your eyes open, you experience a painfulness that motivates you to not do it again. The more you fall, the more pain, the more fuel, the more momentum to stop the habit. Its like freedom algebra!
Another way of looking at it is that from our own perspective it seems like a circle… we rise and fall over and over. However, it only looks like a circle. Its actually an upward spiral, and we move from sun (inner potency) to moon (self reflection) again and again as we grow. You’re doing great, just keep going. Next time someone offers you a chance to fall back into painfulness and tiredness, you’ll have a lot more strength to say no thanks. After all, how many times does it take before we stop burning our hand in the fire? It depends on how much you love that hand!
So take heart, keep moving, growing, loving. You’re on a great path Alana, have some pride! Its normal and acceptable that you slip a little here and there, just make sure you let the spiral continue to grow up instead of down. Namaste.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantCoruja,
Knowledge of the major arcana is very precious when it comes to our inner development! Its great that you offer that to people. Have you considered the Osho Zen Tarot? Instead of looking forward, it gives a radical insight into the present moment. After all, what is more precious than knowing where we are? That’s where all the action is…
Consider that The Fool doesn’t know what she wants, and instead follows her inspiration without seeing where her feet are stepping. It isn’t until the emperor arrives that the fool begins to learn discernment. Perhaps what you may be experiencing is the wheel under the surface, and the page of fire in the mind. Said differently, not all people know the best way to share love, and it might be the cyclical nature of the harvest that has left their heartfelt support feeling empty.
For instance, I have a story for you! When I was growing up, everyone in my family loved cheesecake except me. We would have maybe four of them in the basement freezer at any given time, and for any special occasion or guests, they would defrost a cheesecake and have a special dessert. Something about sweet flavors with cream cheese makes my mouth shudder, so for most of my childhood I was left out. What was worse was for my birthday on a few occasions guess what we had! This left me feeling bitter and disconnected from my family. It became a running joke, and it wasn’t until I was in my late twenties that they even remembered I didn’t like cheesecake!
So while my family and family friends celebrated, I was left outside and alone. This was very painful for me, and I really felt like no one listened or cared. I compensated by always making dessert for family gatherings, but remained bitter. When I brought this up to my buddhist teacher, he was sympathetic to my emotions. Then, he gave me a task. He told me to bring a cheesecake to the next family gathering. He said bring something for myself, but find or make a sensuous cheesecake and see what happened. I did, thank goodness I did. When I gave them the cheesecake, I saw for the first time how much they enjoyed it. Its crazy, but I still tear up when I remember it. In a single moment, all of that isolation vanished, and instead I saw them, their enjoyment, their yearning being met with a delectable treat. Suddenly, the cheesecake lost all hold on my heart and I was free.
Now, whenever I consider doing nice things for others that are unpleasant for myself, I consider it “bringing the cheesecake”. Said differently, when we let go of the specific things we want to hear, the loving intention under the surface is revealed and all the magic comes back.
Its a sad thing that not many in the world are skilled at speaking from a place of loving kindness. That doesn’t mean that love isn’t there. If I talk to some of my friends, they give that same “Cosmo” type of response. However, that’s just their language, their cheesecake. The way they deal with their problems. Coruja, as a seeker and seer, it will be a rare few who can speak your native language. That doesn’t mean you aren’t surrounded by love, it just means you have to take in beyond the words, despite the words.
This is what the wise woman develops during the Moon. The deep shadows are startling and somewhat painful, but they deepen intuition. It isn’t the dawn that pushes the moon to set and brings the Sun, rather the wise woman opens her intuition and the shadows become the rays of light, and then she is warmed by them again.
Consider it might be worthwhile to try to speak their language instead of feeling sad they don’t speak yours. You’re the multilingual one after all! Namaste.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantJohn,
Consider reading:
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/bodhi/waytoend.htmlIts lengthy but does explain what the “right” aspect is describing. Essentially, right begins as a morality and evolves into a clarity.
MattParticipantJohn,
The cause of stress, anxiety and worry is always attachment, as described by the Buddha’s description of the four noble truths. In the case where we worry that our words are doing harm, we have a desire for our words to have an effect in the other. It might be more closeness, their growth, their validation that we are good people. Those are all hindrances.
Instead, we can breathe in and breathe out. We listen, do our best to speak truly, kindly and meaningfully, and then let the seeds go. When we worry, we are preoccupied by the infinite potential of how that moment of exchange may look from their side. This makes our next breath more of a gasp, as we try to draw in peace of mind from the other.
What we give up is the need to appear favorable to others. Sometimes what feels best to say is shocking or painful to those we say it to. If said from compassion, then it is truly our best effort, and how could we do better? Sometimes a shock will awaken the sleeper inside.
Remember that the Buddha taught different things to different people. The dharma is a universal vibration, but adaptive. A hungry man needs food, a thirsty man needs water, and egoic know-it-all needs a stick. Compassion is the willingness to give hugs or slaps depending on what our heart inspires us to do… even when the other may not enjoy what is done.
I have been slapped many times by teachers, and at the time I recoiled and cursed, called them names and demonized them in my mind. After the recoil, there was gratitude, because they did the right thing… and I was a little closer to freedom each time.
Obviously, we don’t just go around beating people up… our heartfelt expression is the anti-suffering to their suffering. We open to the moment, breathe it in and give it back on the outbreath. Then again. Then again. There is no need to get in the way. If our out breath contains self-grasping, we’ll know it because it is painful for us. So we do the same thing for ourselves… breathe in the pain, accept the self-grasping, and let it go. The self settles, the pain subsides, and the energy of the dharma flows again. With each time we let go, we get cleaner, more attuned to the eight fold path, and closer to the freedom for ourselves and everyone else.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantChristina that isn’t Christina,
I know that it feels dark and twisted in this moment, and am very sorry for the struggles you’ve been going through. Feeling empty and alone is terrible, and in my eyes you’re doing amazing all things considered. In addition to John’s heartfelt advice, a few words came to heart as I read your story.
The first is that you say you do not have hope, joy or love. That must be very painful and isolating! Sometimes we have to hit bottom before we can throw our hands in the air and decide that whatever it is that we’ve been doing is not working. When you say “I don’t have”, what I hear is “I wish for” or “I hope for”. So, your past strategy has left you without a feeling of love, hope, joy or inner peace. That’s not a bad starting point, because you very much want them. That means you’ll have motivation to grow and nurture them! See how fertile you actually are for growth!
Inside each of us is the possibility to grow those things. You have a sacred space in your heart that yearns to be open and free. We also all have a part of ourselves that we don’t like, as you said the inner Midas that feels like it turns everything to shit. Those of us who figure out that when it becomes too heavy we can choose to let Midas go are the ones who turn breakdown into breakthrough, build our wings and fly. You are one of those, and in coming here, recovering from depression, crying for your aunt… those are the strong heart inside you crafting your wings.
But, you’re also feeling pretty crappy which means you don’t know how to fly! I refuse your notion that you can’t fly… most of us feel we can’t, but all of us can. Said differently, when Buddha awoke to the nature of mind, he recognized that the seed of the Buddha is in all of us. Most deep lookers and spiritual guides say the same, that there is a song inside each person… that even though it may go unnoticed for years, it is never extinguished and always singing… we just drown it out with noise.
So, enough with the out there mumbo jumbo, I’m sure you need something much more tangible than words on a page, you need something to do, an action to take, a path to walk! Consider for a moment that joy is not something we can have, possess… but rather an energy that flows through us. When we feel the world is tasteless and empty, we have to get that energy moving again! One thing that works for me is getting in front of a mirror and being goofy. Flap your arms, wiggle your body, make quacking noises… shake and twist and bounce and sing. Yes, its ridiculous. Yes, its goofy. But it is often the cure for a heart that has become far too serious. 🙂 As you watch yourself being silly, perhaps you’ll get a glimpse of the inner child who is desperately looking to come out and play.
Another action to try is to apologize to your body parts and wish them well. Don’t scoff, I mean it! Take your left foot in your hands and say “thank you my dearest left foot, you have been a good foot, always carrying my weight… I’m sorry for not loving you and wish you happiness.” Then take you right foot in your hands and “thank you right foot for helping me move forward, I’m sorry I haven’t been loving to you and I wish you happiness”. Then repeat for other parts, such as your eyes, ears, hands, heart, lungs, brain, arms, legs, breasts, elbows, knees, butt, mouth, etc etc. Take your time, there is no rush… and the energy of your kindness and well wishing to your body will help it remember that it is loved. After you finish with all the body parts, you can turn that warmth toward your whole being as well as other beings if you desire it!
Please don’t despair, my distant sister. Beyond the walls of habit is a deep love and joy that is calling to us. You’re in such a favorable position, because you are young, and now that you know how crappy it feels to be empty, you’ll not take your inner warmth for granted. So many others do, and never stop to look. Your pain has stopped you, and in looking around and figuring out what to do next you’re actually on a road of indestructible joy. Said differently, many people have no idea why they’re happy and stable, and because you’ll know why, you can grow your roots deep and strong.
Welcome to the family here at tinybuddha! I hope your stay is long and nourishing, and helps you realize you’re not alone. Many of us have walked through a dark night, felt despair and hopelessness. That is often the feeling that happens just before the wings flap, we let go of the past, and fly.
Namaste!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantLol, I didn’t mean to discourage, just giving my perceptions of separating wheat from chaff and so forth. 🙂
Here’s a video from Matthieu Ricard about happiness:
My current favorite authors on inner guidance are Thich Nhat Hahn, Chogyam Trungpa, Pema Chodron, and Brene Brown. Really though, its about what resonates with you! We’re all different with different tastes and preferences, making our inner intuition invaluable in deciding what’s right for us.
Namaste!
MattParticipantE,
I had a similar hesitation the first time I tried calamari. Others said it was tasty, but the thought “squid” and the giant monster from 20,000 Leagues popped into my head. I tried it, I mean, why not? It was a bit chewy, but tasted pretty good. I don’t order it for myself, too chewy. 🙂 To me, the secret is just like that. It has some good flavor, but a lot of it talks about the material gain… having a big house and fancy car and so forth. I’m more of a “let divine love flow through me” than a “make all my personal dreams a reality” kind of guy. Materialism is a dead end street, far too chewy (mental spinning). 🙂
The other parts and theories seem reasonable to an extent. Some of the ideas are tenable, supported by Buddhist knowledge or quantum physics. I’d personally take a dharma talk over pop spirituality though… deeper roots. However, it is fun to see how different people interpret reality, often we find there isn’t a capital T in truth.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantLCT,
I’m very sorry for the struggles that you’re having, sometimes fear can be utterly paralyzing. Once that feeling of dread settles in, it can feel like someone is sitting on top of us, and even breathing can become a labor. Don’t despair, there is always a path toward joy. I’m not an expert on OCD, but some things came to heart as I read your words.
It seems like it would be good if there was some relief from the fear and the disorder that keeps generating the fear. I will make an assumption that you’ve seen a doctor and are following his recommendations?
In terms of healing from a holistic wisdom approach, the first thing that came up was maybe it is a difficulty in your root chakra. When the root is open and flowing normally, we have a grounded connection to the world and feel safe. When its closed, we are either unreasonably attracted or repulsed by the world.
When I was considering what kind of steps you might take which could help, kundalini yoga seemed like a good fit. There is a breath focus, where one pulls energy into the root and balances the area. There has actually been research done on it, and it has proven effective with OCD!
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/18311106/
Before starting any kind of new practice, it would be good to discuss it with a doctor. Also, if you’re interested in trying it, make sure you find a teacher (as opposed to a book or web instruction).
I know it can sometimes be difficult to keep the faith inside us alive. We’re dealt all sorts of cards, and some are much more challenging than others. It would be nice to see it as a blessing in disguise or something, but let’s face it… it kinda stinks. However, when we roll up our sleeves, get to work, and try, we get some momentum of healing started that lasts even if we have to keep looking for our inner light.
I hope there is peace for you soon! Namaste.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantCoruja,
I’m so sorry for the difficulties you’ve been having lately, it sucks when all the plans crumble and dreams fade. When we take in to account the self criticism and missing loving support, its no wonder your heart aches so much! There is always a path back to joy if we have the courage to jump in and try something new, but it takes time.
How long has it been since the breakup? One of my teachers told me that when we go through big losses it is important to make the space to let them heal. Rather than “figuring it all out” or cycling into negative emotions, we self nurture. Meditation is great, creative hobbies, exercise, playing with friends, baths, soft music, writing… things that help us soften the pain and rekindle our glow.
Playing video games and TV are OK, but in my experience they can be a distraction, which is fine if you need to laugh or cry… but if you’re trying to avoid the painfulness, it might be suppressing your feelings. Consider a Zen trick… scream into a pillow, flail around, act goofy, jump up and down… anything to get the energy moving again.
Part of what seems to be holding you back is the feeling of loss. If the grief is somewhat settled, then perhaps you can see that you have a nearly clean slate. Now that you don’t have any material goals in place, you can turn your energy inward and rediscover who Coruja is, and where her unique desires and likes will take her. I once heard someone say “In life, there is no real death… only birth after birth.” A chapter came to a close with a twist ending, but the next chapter flows from the pen in your hand.
Ajahn Jayasaro has a great series on YouTube that talks about meditation, which may help you pull out of some of the cycles. I wish you had people who held you and comforted you instead of offering fortune cookie wisdom (or Cosmo advice column wisdom) but if wishes were fishes, no? 🙂 Instead, you’re stuck like a hermit with few heartfelt connections, and all this inner chaos to settle. Meditation can really help, its one of the most amazing forms of self-nurturing.
Another thing that came to heart is that sometimes a hermit goes into the mountain cave to get some distance between herself and the world. That way, she can be sure that what is in the cave is only what she brings with her. As a period of reflection and settling, it deepens intuition and wisdom. The hermit learns that the cave is dark without the inner fire burning, and that she is the light and inspiration she was looking for. Said differently, the pain of isolation only lasts until we figure out how to be the light we seek, and then the cave is just a cave. When she’s sees that, she leaves the cave more alert to the beauty around and within her.
It is my heartfelt hope that you find some peace and inspiration. You’re not alone… there is a small but heartfelt community here at tinybuddha, and lots of great hearts to reach to. Namaste, my distant sister!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantGina,
Thank you for the kind words, and it is my pleasure and honor to be helping in whatever way I can. I really like the way helping others quickly made it into your prayer for self love! Even if Gina were the endpoint for all of the love and affection, it would be enough, because your heart is invaluable to this world.
Affection is a funny thing, because we spend so much time trying to earn it. Affection can’t ever be earned, however, it can only be shared. There is never a way to deserve love, only to express it. When we do figure that out and open ourselves to express it, we have the ability to feel it from others… not as a thirsty being yearning to feel fulfilled, but as a fulfilled being interweaving our branches and leaves with others.
It makes sense to me that you’d cry at night, often our dreams help us dig up what has been going on under the surface. That tears come so quickly means you have such a tender and warm heart that the ice-olation melts, and the tears are like chunks of history being let go of by the body.
Consider that as you cut the addiction to his affections, all that energy that was sliding into the black hole of his addiction is now turning inward. That’s why your efforts were never in vain, because they were like feet revving up. You became very strong as you pushed and pushed against the wall of his addiction, and that strength is now pushing against your own wall and melting it easily. Myself and others are helping you aim, but the power, compassion, and affection are all from inside your heart. Said differently, you are waaay stronger and wiser than you give yourself credit for… the only reason the words here on tinybuddha are so resonant is because the Buddha in me is bowing to the Buddha in you, and she is awake and ready to let the old habits of the mind get out of the way. Namaste.
One of my teachers refused to see alcoholics. He said that until they confront their addiction, it is impossible to help them. The words and affection we give them slides right into the hole of addiction, because every moment is a craving/satisfaction moment, as they are either high or preoccupied with chasing a high. Don’t despair that no fruit grew from pouring onto infertile soil, there isn’t a strategy or method that works there. You’re right in seeing that it had nothing to do you with you! As one of my teachers jokingly said “there are some people who would piss off even the Buddha.”
Finally, don’t forget to play. Deep looking and tender self nurturing is important, but if we stay too long we can become aged far too quickly as we begin to take everything far too seriously. This is a sparkly and beautiful world we live in, full of wonder and magic! Sing, stomp in mud puddles, create something… I’m sure there are tons of things you enjoy doing, and the child inside each of us loves to dance. There is a reason the Buddha is always depicted with a smile. 🙂
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantGina,
I’m happy that we’ve connected, we do seem to be appraising the same pattern! Your words brought a few ideas to heart. I know how tough it can be, but also know that as we open and love ourselves, regrets just melt away.
The first is how you said “it wasn’t love” and that made me wonder. It seems to me that it was love, simply twisted around a little bit. We feel cold in our heart and love (or memory of love) moves us toward warmth. The strategy was a little off, and you burned your hand on a hot stove, but it was love (or your heart seeking love).
This reminds me of something my teacher said to me. When we don’t self-nurture, we lose our inner warmth and go looking for it. Others can surely help, but it is up to us to be the light and love in the world… we just have to figure out our individual path to joy. Then we have the nourishment and stability to give back our love in a skillful way. He used an analogy of an airplane. In the case of a loss in cabin pressure, be sure to put on your own air mask first. We might instinctually leap for our loved ones first, because we love them so much. However, if we put on our mask first, we have the air we need to help them. If we dive first, then we lose our air and we will need help ourselves!
The other thing that came into view as i read your words is that you’re seeking closure and finding it! The twist just made it appear that he was the closer… but its not him, its from you! 🙂 I know it must be difficult to see him and get all stirred up inside… mind and body pulsing with memory. Consider that is like a spark, painful in the qualities of awakening, but with the courage to allow that spark to meet up against the water of self-nurturing allows for the closure you’re looking for! Said differently, pain makes us alert to our suffering, but looking and letting go, trying to make better choices in the moment to moment… those are what turn “I need to save him from himself” to “he is suffering with addiction, and for now I do best to do no harm. If I get too close, we both end up cycling with suffering.” The pressure doesn’t just stop all at once, but erodes over time and effort (as we self-nurture).
After all, if our kids ask us for a sugar sandwich, they’re bound to get cranky if we say no. However, saying no is actually the more loving choice, even though it leads to a temper tantrum. We just have to meet that with wisdom and accept that we are not retracting our love, we are tuning into the place where it is authentically fertile (our side). Then maybe someday as we pay it forward and follow our heart, he’ll find some fruit from one of us.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantSapna,
Its great to hear that things are settling! Sometimes our obstacles are potent, but with a courage to look at them, and as Alanis Morissette said about discernment “hold close and let go and know what to do which.”
Don’t forget to play, that’s where find our passion. Our inner child is still alive and likes to play, is wiser in its aim, but still full of vibrant joy. Find what brings you passion, and if it helps other people, all the better! If we become too serious, the world looks darker around us because that inner vibrancy is diminished.
Do you have any hobbies?
Here’s one of my favorite Zen jokes:
With the first sip of tea, acceptance.
With the second sip of tea, awareness.
With the third sip of tea, a cookie!With warmth,
MattMattParticipantFe,
I’m sorry for the tough moments you’ve been having with your mom, it sounds as though your view is full of startling experiences as you see your mom acting in ways that aren’t very healthy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Really there are two seperate things going on. One is your mom and her dreams, view, feelings and decisions. The other is Fe and her dreams, view, feelings and decisions. It must be painful to see your mom suffering. 🙁
Being only 20, you still have maturing to do, and that maturity is wisely examining your mom’s decisions and figuring out what direction to grow. It is normal and usual to also become a judge for our parents and decide they are fools. Instead of “when she did that, it grew this, so I will learn from her lessons and not do that” we become afraid for her and us and say “what is wrong with her that she can’t see when she does that, it grows this”.
This creates our own suffering, because the fear prevents us from seeing what is really there. If you look deeply, your mom is looking for good things such as love, security, affection, intimacy and family. Your judgement of her attempts at cultivating those is biting at your heels, because you’re not perfect either. Said differently, when we are in the pattern of judging people for mistakes, we do it externally and internally.
Instead, we can accept that life is a learning process and we all make decisions that vary between skillful and unskillful, hopefully learning a little with each success and failure. That’s all anyone can do, me, you, her…
It would be nice if we were all perfect, but that would get pretty boring. 🙂
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantGina,
In addition to E’s tender and compassionate words, there is something else that I see in your words that may help. It is one of the aspects of codependent thinking that is especially tricky as we shake off dysfunctional relationships.
Consider how much you have invested in trying to receive his forgiveness. Not just in your actions, but how much of a pull there is inside you that yearns for him to tell you that you’re OK, that what you did was just and fair, that you are still lovable.
This is a root issue with codependent thinking, because your self image is/was being generated by the reflections he gave you. Now that he is mad at you, the part of you that felt nourished by his acceptance of you is lacking food… and is generating a craving that pushes you to chase forgiveness like running down the street after the ice cream truck.
How exhausting that must be! Consider that he sounds like he has a lot of issues to resolve from your description. This means the ice cream he offers you isn’t very nourishing, its filled with “addiction”. Where he is addicted to alcohol, you are addicted to his approval.
When we cut our addictions, we feel craving. You cut your addiction, now you feel craving. This is normal and settles with time. You are an amazing and beautiful person, and I can see it, E sees it, now if only Gina could see it. Then it would never be “what can I do to get him to approve of me”, but what can I do to settle this addiction?
Which you have the answers to already, in that you know it is time and proper for you to cultivate self love. The seeds are ripe! Now you just need a mirror and some smiles and throwing your arms around Gina and telling her how beautiful she is in mind and body.
I wish you well on your recovery from codependency! Consider attending a local Alanon group, if you’re not doing that already. Sometimes it can really help to know how common and usual our funky mental patterns and mechanisms really are, and how effective recovery can be. Have you read Pia Mellody’s books? They are fantastic!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantDi,
Congratulations on turning inward and working on understanding who you are and what you’re doing here! It is very noble to wish to share awareness with your loved one. Cultivating awareness is something that happens slowly over time. As you learn about yourself and grow, it is no wonder you want to share the beauty you see with him. Unfortunately, sometimes heads can be so full of “stuff” that additional information only makes it more difficult rather than easier. From the way your husband responds to you, it seems like he doesn’t have the space for the philosophy/ideas you’re presenting.
Instead of teaching him awareness, you can use yours to help him open up the space. Consider that his anger, for instance, is very painful for him… and fills his head with a mishmash of thoughts that cycle around. When you say it leads to arguments means that you are sinking toward him instead of helping! What we can do instead is intentionally give to him in the face of his suffering. Generosity is the root of buoyant joyfulness, so in giving to him, you also nourish the roots of Di’s tender awareness.
The best way I have found to help open the space is by addressing the feelings he is having. For instance, if he is complaining about his angry boss, you could say “you sound angry, and I know how painful that is, how can I help?” Don’t join him or resist him, such as saying “yeah, that guy is a jerk” or “you’re projecting anger onto your boss, its actually your issue”.
It reminds me of a funny thing my teacher told me, where new Buddhists “beat people up with the dharma”. Instead of letting others suffering pass through us, it distresses us and we defend against their suffering by trying to annihilate it. If you’ve been studying Buddhism, perhaps you’ve encountered the three marks of existence? Anatta, annica and dukkha? Applied to your husbands suffering, his painful emotions have no center to them, arise and fade with time and space, and forgetting that leads to your own suffering. Said differently, he doesn’t need you to teach him how to be a more mindful person, he needs your arms around him to help produce the space that allows the emotions to settle on their own.
Because you turn toward him as a partner and cheerleader for happiness, when and if he becomes curious about what you have that allows you to remain happy, he’ll already know that what you do, you do out of love and support for him. If forced, it usually comes across as you wanting to change him, and none of us like that. We want help, but as adults, have a lot of our self esteem wrapped up in our autonomy.
With warmth,
Matt -
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 