If living together is the foundation of your relationship, and without it the connection fades, then perhaps it wasn’t a good fit. Love pushes us toward closeness, not the other way around. Namaste!

With warmth,
Matt

Gary,

Its actually quite contrary to logic, which is perhaps why you reject it. The bird’s energy is far more than its one life, and the death was a very, very small point. Sometimes we cling to our pain, because we feel it is the only way to honor our friends or our loss. This is not the case. We do best to honor the lives of those we love when we remember the totality of their life and what they meant to us. To collapse their entire life’s meaning into one moment of loss is a far greater tragedy.

Namaste, and I wish you well tidings within your mourning.

With warmth,
Matt

Rebecca,

I’m sorry for the distress you feel, and the worrisome thoughts that arise from the feeling. You’re a lot more normal than you expect, isn’t it funny how we can worry that we worry too much? And then we worry we’re worrying about worrying too much. Whew! How crazy are we to use our time in such a way! A few things came to heart as I read your words. Have hope, there is always a path to peace.

It may be helpful to split your experiences into two different entities. First is the emotion of fear, which is that tremulous feeling in your chest… sometimes like a tight squeeze where a fat grumpy man is sitting on you. The second are the thoughts in your head, like a canary on your shoulder chirping in your ear and producing images and situations that would be painful to go through.

The canary and the fat man are good friends. When the canary is hungry, she calls to the fat man to come give her food. The fat man really enjoys the bird’s song, and dances to the tune. Round and round they play, and your poor body is their playground.

The first thing in unraveling the relationship between them is accepting they’re there, but they aren’t “you”. They are inside you, and they play their games inside you, but they don’t have to… you have the ability to talk to them and ask them to play a different game. But, the fat man wants to hear a song, and the canary wants food… so we take control and decide what song and what food.

The fat man gets a diet of sitting meditation. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great video called counting breath meditation on YouTube. Its good to be proactive and practice when you’re not feeling sat on, but it also works during the feeling of squeeze. Just notice the feeling and breathe in. 1. Breathe out. 1. If the canary sings, just say to it “I’ve got this” and gently move back to counting. If you follow the instructions by jayasaro, the emotions will settle after a few journeys from 1-10. As a side note, the feeling of fear in the chest is chemical in nature, and I read somewhere that the chemicals are taken back into the axons in 90 seconds once the canary stops singing “danger danger”.

Now, to help the canary sing a new song there are a few things to try. The first is a metta practice, (YouTube “jayasaro metta”) which helps a lot for agitation. What metta will do is put a little restraint on the canary, so it doesn’t go nuts every time it sees something you love. Said differently, the mind spins into cycles of fearful thoughts when you see a trigger, real or imagined, where something you love seems threatened.

Another thing that might help is to see that the canary is actually your creativity out of control. Perhaps you are an artist who hasn’t found your medium, or had someone you respected criticize your art… so you stopped creating. It may help to dust off those old drawing pads or journals, or clay or guitar or microphone. Whatever it is that you used to do that don’t anymore, or, if you’ve not really ever tried, time to explore! The canary needs to sing, and if you help her learn a different tune, she won’t call to the fast man. 🙂 Said differently, when an artist suppresses her art, her mind creates and creates anyway.

One last thing. As the fat man gets some better food, loses some weight, and gains a little bit of a more flexible frame, he changes. Gender, for starters. The fat man dissolves into a fertile goddess, because all he really is is a reflection of your love against the unknown future. Said differently, your powerful loving heart bounces against millions of fantasy futures… and the vibration produced is fear.

Have faith, because as we walk our path toward peace of mind and body, we feel a lot better. Like, lots and lots and lots better. Not only do we feel better in the moment, but if something crappy does happen, we not only do not get swept into the flood, but we can help our loved ones stay afloat as well. Its a win-win, and I know you’re powerful enough to do just that… because your love and worry are actually shades of the same energy. Namaste, dear sister!

With warmth,
Matt

Brad,

Have you spoken to her about your concerns about distance between you? What does she have to say? You mentioned you doubt her motives, what motives are you afraid of?

Intimacy takes work from both sides, and will spin out of control without mutual investment. It sounds like some spinning is going on, where you only feel like you’re connected when you’re investing the effort. If you don’t talk to her about it, you’ll never really know what she has to say about it and simply guess and fantasize.

That being said, our journey is like a fertile field, and it is always up to us to prepare the soil, implant it with our desires, then nourish it. Said differently, some hearts are more fertile than others, and if you’re not being nourished by your efforts (always giving and never receiving) then perhaps it just isn’t a good fit. There also might be something else going on from her side that has decreased her belief in the union, and that with some patient tending of weeds, the blooms will return.

Without knowing her thoughts, wishes, hopes and dreams, you’ll never know!

With warmth,
Matt

Helen,

I apologize for the brevity, time is short for me at the moment, but some things came to heart as I read your words that I wish to say before they fade.

Consider trying to catch your feelings directly. When you heard about the time he spent with his friend, there were the words you heard, the visions you had, the feelings that came up, and then the words you spoke. When we are feeling stressed, it is OK to accept that we’re stressed. Its better to say “I am feeling…” than “how could you do that to me.” Consider that if you had caught the feeling of jealousy and fear before it turned to anger and accusations, it would have been less disorienting for both of you.

For instance “wow, as you told me about your friend, I had images of you being intimate with her and that was painful. Now I feel jealous, scared and angry. Can you help me those? Can you assure me that I am the magic in your eyes? That we are still we?” Own the feelings, and then own up to your feelings. That way you do not push him away or scare him away, but rather give him the keys to helping you.

Namaste, distant sister.

With warmth,
Matt

Somwan,

I’m very sorry for the pain and suffering you’ve gone through. It isn’t fair that a 7 year old child would have to go through such terrible abuse, and that the wounds would run so deep inside that the heart turns toward despair. I know for you it is beyond belief that you could pull out of it, but I know you can… and I know you hope for it. A few things came to heart as I read and meditated on your words.

It is very normal and usual for a wounded heart to become paralyzed with fear. With the crap that you went through, its no wonder why each step produces a ton of mental flaying. When there is no safe place for us, we have no refuge from the storm where we can go to find our courage. This does not mean you’ve been broken, its just you have some stones in your backpack that you’ll have to sort through and leave behind. Consider that all of us feel fear. Perhaps not to your extent, but fear traps all of us. This is where we develop courage. Courage is not an absence of fear when we do things, but it is the willingness to say “yep, this is fear” and do it anyway.

Right now, it seems like the bottle is full and you’re thinking of pulling the trigger. Those thoughts are ok and normal to have, they come from the inner pain. Consider that intense pain is with us, not as a punishment, but as a message that something is wrong. Its like when we place our hand on a hot stove, it hurts like crazy, but it also motivates us to get our hand out of the fire! This is like that, where the pain (isolation, self criticism, despair) is trying to help you throw your arms in the air and surrender. Because you don’t see a path toward joy, that surrender feels like suicide is inbound. However, you’re actually much closer to joy than you think. You know that what you’ve been doing so far has not worked out for you, so try something different.

First, you need to get your energy moving again. As you noticed rightly, somwan’s bottle is full. Consider letting it out. Scream, flail, beat on your pillows, jump up and down, curse and stomp. Your body is wound tight, and it needs release. And no, its not stupid, its an effective method well used by Zen teachers. Remember, time to do something different, right?

Next, consider searching for “Pema Chodron Smile at Fear” for a video about what we can do with our fear. Pema’s teacher Chogyam Trungpa has a book of the same title that is a great read, but with 85 cents it might be hard to pick up. If you find her words refreshing, consider searching for Matthieu Ricard and watching a few of his videos.

By the way, have you heard of Eckhart Tolle? He was in a place just like yours, had a moment of breakthrough and has become a leading spiritual teacher. Just sayin.

For the other difficulties, such as what to do about not having friends, your negative self talk, feeling you can’t do this and can’t do that (as opposed to “I don’t know how” or “I’m afraid”)… those stones can be unpacked from your backpack after you get that energy moving again. Scream, watch some videos, then post back on what you think.

The light is just over the hill, friend. You’ve already been walking this far, it is my hope and wish you see it through. I’ll do my best to help, as will the others in the Tinybuddha family, but those are your feet, so you are in control. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Barbara,

Wow, I am really impressed and happy how quickly you turned away from his patterns and into your own…. and that’s where all the magic is! Sometimes we get confused about how to find love in the world, thinking that it is our partner that gives it to us, just because it seems to well up inside us when we are around our partner.

That’s just left over baggage from when we were kids and we didn’t have the ability to self-nurture… so we relied on mom and dad to give us comfort. When that doesn’t go smoothly (such as an angry mom), it might slip our notice how much our heart aches. So, we get busy trying to make others fill our hearts, to give us that sense of peace we need. Unfortunately for us, most people are too busy or self involved to be able to do that for us. For instance, needing your partner to settle your insecurity in his connection to the outside world. You might think you’re protecting your relationship, but perhaps really you’re protecting your comfort giver.

To break away from this, we have to look at the past (which you did beautifully!) and see and accept what happened as bittersweet. Some beauty and some pain. As we see it, and accept that we were influenced by this (think heart in a box), we can throw our hands up, say enough, and try something different. In this case, that “something different” seems to be self-nurturing. You have to learn how to work with your crazy brain, how to settle your chaotic emotions. 🙂 Then you’ll be free!

Its not a quick fix, but reliable. Something that makes it easier is when we can realize we don’t often see our partners. We have illusions of who they are… made from the inner yearning, our needs, hopes, fears… and those are like glasses with smudges, obscuring their beauty from us. To solve this, we take off the glasses and look deeply.

This is where self nurturing comes into the picture. When we take time to settle ourselves, the pressure that distorts our partners lessens. One of the most potent nurturing exercises I know of is telling your different body parts that they are loved and you wish them happy. “Hello left foot, thank you for bearing my weight. Sorry for the heels I wore last night. I love you, and wish you happiness.” Feet, arms, eyes, hands, ears, breasts, elbows… take your time and gently hold them like you would one of your crying students, thank them and offer your love. It might feel silly at first, but if you stick with it even once per day for a week, perhaps something magical will happen to the Barbara in the mirror.

Another practice that can help the mental cycling slow or stop is meditation. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great method on YouTube called “counting breaths” that you can lookup if you’re interested.

As to the break, it seems like it is something important for you to decide what you think and feel. Sometimes it is important for the hermit to go into the cave so she can figure out what echoes are present in her mind. Sometimes it is difficult to overcome our issues with intimacy when we are outside of a relationship. What do you want to do? What do you think and feel? Dig deep, its in there. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Barbara,

I’m sorry for the painful moments you’ve been having, I know how icky it feels to get pulled into distrustful thoughts and actions. Also, to sit next to someone you love and feel like you don’t know who they are or what is going on in their mind, on their side. I will do my best to give an objective view, as a few things came to heart as I read your words.

When we see someone being themselves, we sometimes judge them from our morality. As a school teacher, this seems like a natural thing to do! When kids break rules, it is helpful and kind to offer them a helping hand by pointing out what they did wrong so they can improve. Sometimes, however, we hold onto the rules more than the children, and we turn from a loving guide into a judge and jury. This is the problem with morality, the shoulds and shouldn’ts can choke our love, our energy.

What we can replace that morality with is awareness. If we drop our expectations of how someone “should” act, the energy of the mind can look deeply at what is there. There isn’t “should”, rather there are causes and effects.

For instance, with children it is easier to see that their home life produces behaviors that have a negative effect in the classroom. With awareness, we are soft, fluidly minded enough to reach out to them in a skillful way and inspire their growth in a better direction… a direction with more favorable effects from their actions. If we slip into morality, we think “you shouldn’t do that, go to the office”. If you think about it, though, how could they act any different than they act? Why does “should” even come up?

If you stop the morality judgement toward marijuana, for example, you have more space to ask “what is weed doing for him?” There is only cause and effect… so what causes are there, what effects are there? You collapse it into “checking out” but that is not nearly the space it needs to lead you into a loving view. From your description, his job seems full of stress, and smoking a joint alleviates that stress. Perhaps it could be seen as a less pure form of meditation, or a tool for relaxation. He’s not posting on tinybuddha, so its hard to say… but to free your mind, it is important to look deeply into the things that you judge, so the energy of mindfulness can become free again. Said differently, it is OK to put children into time outs, but it is not appropriate to give adults time outs (even in our head). Its not just that we “shouldn’t” try to change people, its that we grow from a connection to our inner voice, which is difficult to attune to when others attempt to subjugate our will.

The same is with the white lies. Perhaps he feels you think he should respond right away, which conflicts with the moment to moment needs of his work. If you argue with him and judge him, its no wonder why he doesn’t feel like adding to his stress by calling you back. The white lie is perhaps just his way of acknowledging your importance to him, but without telling you he didn’t feel like calling you back for whatever reason. A simple solution would be to go to him and say “if you don’t feel like calling me back until the end of your shift, that’s fine. You don’t have to defend yourself with a lie, if you see the call and didn’t feel like calling, just say that instead. I won’t take it personally, I know work can be hectic etc”.

All that being said, my teacher told me that the key to a lasting intimacy is that the people need to share a similar view. When two people look out at the world, are they seeing similar things? Are the differences in what they see complimentary or not? Do the differences provide nourishment or poison to the intimacy?

It seems to me like his actions and view are a great teacher to you. They’re giving you the opportunity to turn inward and dismantle the morality that chokes away your energy, your love, your happiness. Things are not black and white, we all have a unique path with different causes and conditions… so keeping our mind open is critical to our own peace. Otherwise our energy becomes compromised every time we see someone act in a way that we deem foolish.

With warmth,
Matt