Kate,

I like the way you’re struggling with giving love wisely. On one hand, there is acceptance of others, where we place no need or requirement on them, and simply love what is. On the other, we are not selfless, and their actions hurt us, driving us away. Somewhere in the mix and mess, we look for a way to find the balance between honesty and respect. After all, we don’t want to punch them, but our hearts are aching.

This is something of a struggle for all of us, and for me, especially with my children. I asked my teacher a similar question to yours, “how do we accept others and honor our inner wisdom, such as when we are asked for something we feel it is unwise to give them. Do we accept their need and give them what they ask for, or do we reject their need and give them what we think is best?”

He told me a story about a “sugar sandwich”. Sometimes people ask for things that are not nourishing. For example, if my son was hungry, he might ask me for a sugar sandwich, because it is sweet and he doesn’t know better. However, as an adult, and parent, it is not right for me to give that to him because it isn’t nourishing. Therefore, my acceptance doesn’t motivate me to fulfill his desire. He needs nourishment, and desires sweets. I accept both, he needs the nourishment and desires the sweet, and then i am free to do what my heart says is the best thing for him. He might throw a temper tantrum or whatnot, but still, that is accepted as part of his craving for sweets going unmet.

To bring it back to your situation, perhaps pretending everything is OK is the sugar sandwich. It feels like it will be painful and hurtful to say what you feel to your mom, but perhaps that will be something nourishing. If you can accept the desire for kind exchange, but the truth of the harmony, then maybe you can see the need. Said differently, perhaps your mom’s words inspire a heartfelt response that is painful, after all, her words are hurting you. If you consistently speak your mind and heart to her instead of suppression, perhaps she will come to understand how her actions affect others.

Also, consider reading Melody Beattie’s book “Codependent No More”. Some of what you said reminds me of codependency, where other people have to change in order for us to feel peaceful. Its at least worth a look, because inner peace is available to us independently of others actions.

With warmth,
Matt

Jane,

In addition to Buddhist Wife’s tender words, a couple things came to heart as I read your words. There are a few different reasons our body can become overwhelmed with anxiety, and i’ve found a few ways of working with them. I’m not a doctor either, so if your mental state doesn’t improve or worsens consider looking into professional help.

The first cause of anxiety is an abundance of energy in the body, with no outlet. This makes breath awareness meditation tricky, because without a steady concentration we can over-breathe (sometimes called a piston breath) and actually increase the amount of energy… like stuffing a balloon that is already full. What I have found incredibly helpful for this state is a Zen trick of energy release. We can jump up and down, scream, beat on some pillows, or lay down and flail our limbs around. This gets the energy moving again.

If that doesn’t work or isn’t available (like at work for instance) then another thing we can do is pull our shirt up over our nose and breathe into it for awhile. My doctor told a close friend that sometimes when we have stress, we breathe faster than we need to and change the oxygen to carbon dioxide ratio in our body, which responds with a feeling of heightened anxiety. By breathing into our shirt, we increase the co2 concentration which helps the body shift back to normal. If this method helps, it should help after around 10-15 minutes. My friend still uses this method for her anxiety. Another thing that just occurred to me is the use of “sepia”, which is a homeopathic something or other she uses because her anxiety seemed to peak during her period (vibrating between anxiety and aggression, which she swears sepia works well for)

Again, I’m not a doctor, and so there may be other factors unknown to me that warrant additional questions and advice, but if either of these work, the results should be noticeable right away. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Hopeful,

I’m sorry for the emotional turmoil that you’ve been going through, I know what it is like to feel torn between the person people hoped you would be and the person you are. I’m happy that you’ve gained a bit of detachment from your mom, that is often a terribly difficult first step at any age or stage. The guilt is pretty normal, and hopefully you’ll find a way to work with it skillfully. I really like how as you look inward, you wish to become a better person for yourself and your children… which is awesome! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The first is that each of us, deep down (or not so deep down :)) yearn for momma’s love. She often comes to represent a lot of what love means in the world, and not only to we want to snuggle up to her, but we also want her to pour her unconditional love upon us. Unfortunately, sometimes our moms are twisted around a bit, and what we get from them is corrosive. As we see this and put distance between ourselves and mom, it leaves us feeling empty.

There is a parable of a glass of water, which represents our mind and body. When we absorb corrosive words, it is like adding salt to the water. Then, as we look inward, the drinking is bitter. As we do self nurturing activities such as reading loving insight, meditating, listening to music, playing with our kids, we are filling the glass with clear water. It is very refreshing, and it tastes great from the tap. Said differently, when we do things that are intentionally loving and healing, our mind and heart experience joy in the moment.

However, the water in the cup is still salty, so as we “lose our present moment awareness” by looking forward, backward, inward etc, the salt in the cup tastes bitter again. Sometimes it will be guilt, anger, pride, shame… but the emotion just comes up. Other times, it is the water overflowing from the glass. One of my teachers described it as “squeezing the sponge” where we take in good water and it pushes the bad to our awareness. This is a normal decompression of old suppressed feelings and is quite normal.

The solution is to keep pouring into the glass, and not get caught up in the bitter taste. Said differently, in meditation, as thoughts arise we note them “this is a thought” and gently move our mind back to the meditation object. We do the same for discursive emotions… we notice “this is guilt” and move our awareness back to the present moment, the meditation object, playing with our kids or whatnot. By working with our emotions in this way, we are preventing our mind from adding new salt to the glass.

Another thing that came to mind is you might still have some attachment to your mom’s words, her views. For instance, if she told you never to eat chocolate, and you do, a voice in your head might try to convince you that chocolate is bad and you are bad for eating it. If you notice this happening, you can speak to that voice as one of your kids. “Thanks for trying to help me find a good path, but its OK for me to eat chocolate. I will be moderate, and it is safe for me to trust my desires.”

You’ve seen how difficult its been for your mom… imagine how painful it must be inside her to make her see and treat people in such a way. That alone should be enough for you to question and detach from her “wisdom”. Just because she is a parent, doesn’t mean she knows how this world works, or how to cultivate a path of joy! It is fair and right to look upward for that, to find people with gardens in bloom and get the help you’re looking for. Which is precisely what you’ve been doing! Huzzah!

With warmth,
Matt

Gary,

One of my teachers said we can look toward our upbringing for answers. If you’re Christian, then perhaps this might help. Since the garden and the apple, humans fall into sin over and over. It is through our repentance and acceptance of Christ’s love we find redemption and joy. It is not through self flagellation that we find peace, rather admitting we’re flawed and giving our sins back to God. To hate ourselves for being imperfect is pride, because it means we wish we were like God, who is perfect.

Turning toward the digging with your bare hands to feel pain, toward the self-loathing… those are false idols, false redemption. Give them up, give it back to God, who is behind all things.

With warmth,
Matt

Neighbor,

I’m very sorry for the tough times you’ve been experiencing. Sometimes life can seem to push us around, preventing us from living our dream… and your story is heart-wrenching. I sat with your story, asked the universe to help us get to the bottom of this, and a few things came to heart. Don’t despair, there is always a path to joy!

Sometimes it can be very difficult to let go. We’re told from a very young age that we have to push push push to get what we want out of life, and so we do just that. We envision a path for ourselves, and then start our search… where are the keys, where are the locks… where is the job… where is my happiness… where is my contentment.

This can lead us into imbalance, because as we look to the horizon, we lose our connection to the vibrancy and beauty that is all around us. For instance, with the job interview, it seems as though a few things get stuck in your head that absorb your attention. The first is perhaps the people interviewing might be seen as the gatekeepers of your future… your happiness. They sit in judgment of your value, and so the mind scrambles around attempting to find that value and present it to them. This is very draining, because we don’t really do our best when we are rooted in the mind.

Instead, what we can do is remain rooted in the heart, which then uses the mind as its tool. The mind dissects, the heart connects. Instead of seeing gatekeepers, we do better to envision them as brothers and sisters, struggling toward a common goal. You know how well you do when your fear settles, and that your energy is highly valuable, and so when you’re shaking hands with an interviewer, it isn’t “please hire me” but rather “what might we build together”.

Now, this is easy to say here, and envision outside the actual process of interviewing. But when it counts, it tends to slip away! Darn it! However, we can use our information about what has been happening to shift the way we work with our mind and body, so that we become more stable and rooted. This is what allows our inner voice to come through. Said differently, when we have a good grasp on how our mind and body work, we can minimize the distractions and bolster our creative spirit.

This requires a bit of training, and works well in a two-fold strategy. The first is sitting meditation, and the second is metta practice. Sitting meditation develops a spaciousness of mind, so that when some fear arises, instead of feeling sucked into the fear and racing thoughts, it happens like a buzzing bee in a big garden. “Oh, hi fears, go play with some flowers, I have some tending to do over here.” Metta practice is what will strengthen the view of the “other” (such as the interviewer) as a sibling rather than a gatekeeper. Metta is a pali word for loving-kindness, and is sometimes referred to as the warmth and nobility that is in the heart. It is unselfish, rather recognizes that we have the ability to help ourselves and others grow a loving and satisfying path… and through our efforts, that is our steadfast intention.

Ajahn Jayasaro is one of my favorite YouTube teachers, and has a lot of great videos. Specifically, a “counting breath” meditation and “metta”. Feel free to have a search for those and see how his words resonate with you. There are also guided meditations all over YouTube, as well as local Buddhist centers or sanghas which offer free and low cost help in establishing healthy meditation techniques.

Another thing that came to mind is the process of manifesting our dreams. Our inner and outer environments work in harmony with one another, bringing lessons and opportunities each day. Sometimes when we envision something very specific, we are thinking about that dream and miss the breadcrumbs that lead us down the path of creating that dream. It reminds me of a story about a man drowning and praying to God for help. A boat comes along, and he says “no thanks, I’m waiting for God.” He drowns, gets up to heaven and says “why didn’t you save me?” To which God says “ummm.. I sent you a boat.”

To put this in practical terms, consider writing down your dreams and then letting them go. Accept that you want the items you’ve written, or something even more fulfilling. Then let them go, such as a seed implanted into soil. As you let the visions fade from your head, you bring your attention back into the body, into your senses, and say “OK, what is here now? What needs tending in this moment? What is my heart calling me to do with what I am seeing and hearing and smelling?” Then do that, follow the inspiration. This is how we nourish the dream. If our mind is agitated, we breathe. If our armpits stink, we bathe. If we’re feeling disconnected, we go walk in nature. If we’re hungry, we eat. This attunes us to our body, which is the instrument the universe uses to pour water and shine light on the dream.

Take heart, because what I see is someone much closer to contentment than she believes, and deeper than she knows is possible. These obstacles become our fuel, the motivation and method through which we find our voice and our freedom. Namaste, distant sister!

With warmth,
Matt

Helen,

In my view, you are being appropriately sensitive. He strikes at you psychologically, you bruise, and he convinces you that the problem is yours. Then when you approach him, he basically says “this is me, you going to dump me?” and you say no, so he doesn’t have to account for his behavior because he throws it back on you.

I don’t agree to John’s assessment of him being psychotic, but he does sound abusive. Consider, if he does not wish to change, is his behavior something that would be satisfying to you in the long run?

Were I in your shoes I would walk away, or run. Abusers enjoy the power, and once you adapt to one form of abuse, he is likely to escalate. I’m don’t understand Portuguese culture well, but I do understand intimacy. Consider jokes are only funny if both people are laughing. Otherwise it is something else.

I actually have a very sarcastic humor as well. I give little Zen pokes to my partner and she loves them. If I go to far, she says “ouch” in one way or another, and at that time the humor drops and authentic love and compassion arise. Otherwise the intimacy erodes. If he doesn’t do that, he either does not see it or does not respect you. Either way its trouble for both you and your tender heart.

With warmth,
Matt

Gary,

Consider that the nurturing you gave it was its extra time. Its normal for our faith to be shaken by painful events. The big picture doesn’t really help the pain, just the clinging.

The problem with answering your question directly is that it could push your view into nihilism or eternalism, neither of which are correct or helpful. The energy of the bird was like water, its body like a bucket. When the bucket ceases, the water rejoins the river… it is only when we fear that the bucket is the water that we fall into a view where there is a permanent loss upon death. The death of the bird was not its loss, it was yours. All of that hope and love you gave it is rebounding into your heart and mind producing confusion and pain. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt