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MattParticipantFysh,
In contrast to John’s heartfelt advice and pornography deliberations, I’m seeing something quite different in your words. It seems that perhaps you are obsessed with porn. Specifically, it seems like you are digesting your partners actions as having to do with you. As though because he likes porn, that it means he does not enjoy your company or sexual exchanges.
If I were in your shoes, I would start there… it is inside our own view that we have the ability to heal, not through the control of the actions of others. His actions as “ruining your life” sounds like there is far too much of your self esteem interwoven with his actions.
Buddha taught that sensual craving is a road to suffering. If your boyfriend is addicted or otherwise shifting his actions to create, maintain and defend his habits, that is a real difficulty that each of us has in our own way (until we are enlightened). Consider replacing “porn” with “playing with teddy bears”. If he leaves work to play with bears, lies about playing with bears as often as he does, asks you to leave the house so he can play with teddy bears, plays with teddy bears 7-14 times a week… would that have anything to do with you? Would his time playing with teddy bears be so often that he isn’t spending time with you?
Seeing it this way can help you erode the attachment you have in your aversion to porn. Can you see how ridiculous it is to obsess about others’ actions? If he was spending all of the money in the household on teddy bears, or is being neglectful in the relationship because he only wanted to play with teddy bears… that would be one thing.
So, what is it about yourself that you don’t like? Its perhaps that dislike that makes your mind get stuck in loops comparing yourself to his teddy bears and obsessing about his actions. Said differently, perhaps if you were more comfortable in your own skin and with your sexuality, porn would not be a problem. Or, if it was a problem for you, you could simply move on… like some people have to do when they are in love with an alcoholic. But, that’s not what you asked, or the way you described what you’re experiencing. How is your sex life with the boyfriend? Are you satisfied with your intimacy with him?
Its possible that his sex drive is stronger than yours, that he is addicted, that he really does it less than you assume he does, or even something else. Whatever it is, consider that trying to stop him is codependent. Pia Melody has a great book on overcoming codependency that is on amazon if you’re interested. She will help you better target the obsession and control aspects of your behaviors, so you can be peaceful and happy without trying to change others.
For the record, I am personally against the use of pornography to fulfill sensual desires unless we don’t have a partner or watch it with our partner. In a relationship, sex becomes a sacred binding force of intimacy that has the potential to provide so much joy and union that porn becomes rotten food. I only say this so you don’t continue to think I am just trying to help your boyfriend, it has nothing to do with him… it has to do with you and your health, your mind and your peace.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantKatie,
When you say he is emotionally shut down, it brought a few things to mind. Some view the energy of emotion in terms of chakras, which are like spinning disks or pools of fluid energy. When we seem to be “shut down” it could either be a lack of energy (such as if he isn’t really awake in the moment and is lost in thoughts of past/future/fantasy) or he is suppressing the energy (such as if the present is too painful and he is trying to look away).
From your description, it seems like the former for him and the latter for you. Consider that your wanting him sooooo bad is something to be honored, and your fear of that causes you to stuff it all down. Instead, you can use that yearning to reach out to him… it is a creative force that you can use to pull him toward you. Said differently, if you have courage and just jump after him, he may absorb that and awaken to the crazy, sexy beauty that is in front of him instead of the objects that preoccupy his mind.
Or, you could also use that yearning to tease him awake, with gentle but persistent creativity… such as playing with his body with gentle stroking and squeezing. Each of us awaken differently, and it is up to is to embody the change we wish to see. Consider “I want to try something, would you get naked and lay down?” Then just follow your creativity and see what he responds to. Our bodies have a lot of nerves, and they can be teased and bitten, pinched and pulled into alertness. With my partner, we both respond well to being kissed on the neck and ears while having our back and butt touched and scratched, for instance.
Don’t think of it in terms of bringing him to you, rather waking his body up. Maybe it is in the body and not in the mind where the conversation will best take place! 🙂
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantKatie,
I’m sorry your sex life is dissatisfying, and understand why it can be difficult to navigate. Sex is often something we can barely squeak a peep about, even though it is one of the most powerful binding forces! Some things came to heart as I read your words.
The first is that it sounds like your boyfriend is caught up in sexual fantasy. Avid porn watchers get a very different view of sex than tantric practitioners, because porn is male centered fantasy, usually with the intention of providing quick orgasm. Instead of a celebration of connecting with love to another, and that connection getting deeper and closer to union of body and spirit, it is more like sense candy… potent but not nourishing.
It is no surprise that “wham bam” is the way you describe his style, and also that it is not satisfying for you. Or, that he seems to become passionate only when you become an object of fantasy in roleplaying. There are really two roads in front of you in these regards. If he wishes to explore something more with you, and you want to teach him about your body, then there is a path to deeper sexual intimacy. If he does not, or you do not, then it will be difficult to shift the current pattern.
Consider having a conversation with him about your desire to explore your sexual connection. Consider it might be off putting if you tell him you’re dissatisfied, so perhaps keep it in a context of “I heard there is a way more potent pleasure available to us” and keep the spirit of playful exploration.
Consider picking up the book “The One Hour Orgasm” by Leah and Bob Schwartz. It is helpful in awakening the body and understanding sex both emotionally and biologically. The goal isn’t really to have an incredible 60 minutes, rather, it has a series of well explained practices that help feed the fire of passion on both sides.
Finally, don’t be ashamed that you have sexual desire and may have to initiate the path of deeper sexual satisfaction. Too often women’s sex drives are suppressed by social norms and fears and so forth. Don’t be afraid of the inner goddess who wants a god to penetrate her and fulfill her… she is sacred and beautiful, and holds the key to inspiring him to see those desires met.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantAmy,
I can respect the confusion that arises when our hearts are open to more than one person, and trying to decide what to do with that information. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
You said a few times that these men lead you to act in different ways. This wrinkled in my brain, because on one hand we are naturally adaptive to situations and people… like speaking a different language in different cultures. However, do you know your native tongue? Who are you in the absence of these men? What do you see? How do you act?
My teacher said the most important thing for an intimacy is whether the two people are seeing the same thing. Both in each other, but also at the world. Put into this context, in which connection do you feel closest to your native tongue? Consider that acting in a way that is “what they expect” or “who he makes me” or “what he inspires in me” can be very draining and disorienting. It can also move us to grow in amazing ways… but only if it is growth that you really want to happen.
You said the current boyfriend makes you act less mature than you are… which boggles my mind. How can we act in a way that is not who we are?
Perhaps the question you could ask yourself is “which do I like to be with more?” And “which do I feel more comfortable speaking my true thoughts and feelings?” Remember that changing to fit what you think they want is sure to end in disaster… and instead we look to see which partner is looking out at a similarly painted world.
With warmth,
MattRemember that not making a choice is still a choice! 🙂
MattParticipantKate,
You’re welcome! Consider that during difficult conversations it can be important to remain centered on our side. “I think… I feel… I want… I see… “. Rather than “you do this… you make me… you are… ” etc.
Good luck and great courage to you!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantPhool,
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could simply say “my leg is healed” after a break and it would be so? Or if we were to stare up at the sky and wish the rainclouds away and it becomes sunny? Or if we could just say “I let go of the resentment” and it all fades?
Consider that the time you spend cycling through thoughts and making her actions about you puts into your mind a momentum that you’re now struggling with! It will take diligence and effort, which at least now you’re making! Its been a week and it still hurts? That’s pretty normal in my opinion… keep at it. As you sit in meditation and notice “this is what’s here” and move your mind to the meditation object (such as numbers or the breath) you’re developing spaciousness in mind. When you think about her flirting and make it about you and betrayal, you collapse that space. Keep at it, it takes time.
Can you see how you asked her to get counselling because you need her to change? “Please get counselling so you do not act in a way that hurts me.” Not “that must be painful to have low self worth, maybe there is something you can do to feel better.”. Its still selfish, you feeling uncomfortable feelings and pushing her to act in a way that is more pleasing to you.
That being said, a relationship doesn’t need to be an endurance trial, and if you simply can’t love the true her, the her as she is, maybe it is better to let her go. It isn’t the easy way out, because there is no ‘easy’ path… there is simply the path that leads to further suffering and the path that leads to liberation. The cushion, letting go of painful emotions, letting the cycling thoughts settle… those are the path to be on. With her or without her is between you and your heart.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantSadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu!
MattParticipantBellamoon,
You ask some great questions! I really like how you are approaching it in a balanced way, acknowledging your own painful moments of missing his “up” times while not making his depression all about you. This leads you into that very normal quandary “how do I help the situation, from my side or his?” Depression is not easy for an intimacy, because it almost “pauses” as one partner disengages.
In my opinion, your side and his side are being looked at separately. From your side, as you say you’re not enlightened, which is really just your mind’s way of justifying its self-centric desires. Said differently, when he separates emotionally its painful, and you don’t like that pain! That’s very normal, and is worth examining, because pain is there to make us alert.
What I see is that you’re accepting the distance, and its that acceptance that is painful. For instance, when he is up, its “we cuddle” and when he is down it is “he is down, I am lonely”. Intimacy is more like a three legged race, where “we” is always existent. Said differently, both of you are impacted by depression in different ways, and that impact is very real for both of you. “We are suffering from depression, what can we do?” This isn’t his burden that you have to work with, it is a burden for the intimacy.
That being said, working with the depression has to happen from both sides. Have you done research? Sometimes it could be something as simple as a vitamin deficiency such as D. Sometimes it could be maladaptive stress coping. Sometimes chemical imbalances in the brain. Have you two been to a doctor? Are you doing anything to moderate the fall?
Consider that just because it arises in his body does not make it his problem. You have the right and responsibility to use your creativity and love to investigate and come up with possibilities. Then, as a couple, perhaps you two would be able to try some of the possibilities. This true of any and all disruptions to intimacy. We don’t demand that changes happen, but we have to honor that current patterns disrupt the connection, which means not only are we wasting time that could be spent loving one another, but communication is critical to the growth of intimacy… and without it, intimacy erodes. This is why staying we-centric is important from your side, because right now he loses that focus for some reason.
Hopefully its obvious that you can’t “change him” or be responsible for his decisions. However, sometimes when people get stuck, they don’t believe anything is wrong or don’t believe they can change their circumstances. This is one of the reasons Buddha said that the sangha was a pillar of enlightenment. Said differently, close relationships are critical in seeing our stuck spots, much like a mirror is important for seeing our face.
Perhaps some time when you two are in a “we cuddle” phase, you could gently take his hand and say “my love, I am suffering with something, could we talk?” and explain your side, reminding him of your unconditional love, as well as your feeling of painful isolation. Perhaps you might ask him what he thinks might help reach him in those moments, what he thinks would help him come back to the “we” view… what he needs in those moments. Then, even if you don’t feel like you’re connected during the next cycle, you’ll at least have a road you can take which will sustain the “we view” from your side.
I wish you luck and success along this road. You may not be enlightened, but your questions reveal a brave and loving woman who is on her way! Namaste!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantJacques and Kaya,
Consider reading some of Chogyam Trungpa’s work. Specifically, Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior and Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism. Both books are well targeted to outsiders. The first is helpful in finding a path in a society that doesn’t fit us, and the second is helpful in preventing that distance from generating a “spiritual” identity where we walk around proud of our disengagement and consider ourselves above others. Instead, we can drop personality altogether so we can live within compassionate awareness.
Its easy to fall into patterns of isolation and nihilism when we see others getting caught up in materialism, which isn’t healthy for us or them! Namaste crystal siblings!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantNice link to the 8fp, but consider it is right view that resolves it. When we look at people (or any phenomena really) there is an absence of “type” and only impermanent conditions that have causes which bind them together and the potential for ceasing. Like, John isn’t a judgmental person, he is empty of inherent character, with the conditions of judging impermanently stuck in his head causing him to suffer. When the conditions untangle, so does the suffering. See how silly judging is? Its swinging at air and hitting ourselves in the brain.
Right speech is more guided by “is it true to say, is it necessary to say, is it kind to say”.
Magic, I tell you! Namaste.
MattParticipantJohn,
Yes precisely! In the west, sometimes karma is considered some type of cosmic judge. My teacher used the word “imprints” because it is about mental momentum… and what we do to them we do to us… see in them, see in us. Projection imprints our mind, habituates it.
Consider the moments when you’ve seen someone act foolishly and you decide their fate and status from the one little fruit. Like “oh, I know what kind of person yooou are now that I’ve seen you do that/say that.” Consider the mental habit this creates/sustains and you can break the timber. Why beat anyone up like that? Including ourselves!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantCasey,
There are tons of girls who would laugh at your words “texted too much”… many girls would be overjoyed to have so much attention. There is no need to be ashamed of following your inspiration… it sounds like that girl just wasnt a good fit for you. Keep going, keep looking. There are millions of beautiful (inside and out) girls in this world, and any number of them would love the attentions of a young man such as yourself.
If I were to see any of it as a “mistake”, I would say you waited too long after prom to go on another date. Don’t be afraid to ask girls for another date if you want one… if you want to see them again, tell them! They like that. Heck, we all do.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantRichele,
I’m sorry for all the difficulties you’re going through, and to have a low self worth can be very painful and disorienting. Everyone deserves love, and we can all develop self worth… yada yada, I get it… you don’t hear or feel the resonance of those kinds of words. So what in the world is going wrong?
What I feel from your words is you think you’re special and unique. Ha! Sure, there is a certain genetic uniqueness that each one of us have, but millions of people are just like you in their struggles, and failing just like you. You’re so boring and ordinary that you struggle to be unique… you’re a bag of flesh and blood like billions of others who try to find peace and joy. “Except you”? Ha! Ridiculous! Do you know how utterly idiotic that sounds? Like somehow your “special circumstance” makes the wisdom and compassion of others somehow not apply to you? Puuhhlease. Get over yourself.
Suck it up and follow the heartfelt advice you’ve been reading. It isn’t like a magic switch that just “turns on the love”, rather it is a practice, a process. You’re not “unhelpable”, just lazy and too ashamed to admit it. That voice in your head that says “I can’t” is not your friend, its a parasite that grew from your inaction. Said differently, you think you can’t because you haven’t, and have decided to hide instead of standing up and making all your dreams come true.
Whew, now that’s out of the way… consider that each difficulty you’re suffering with is solvable. There is always a path to joy, and many, many wise men and women have transcended space and time and brought back insights which help lead us there. We only have to trust them enough to get up, to expose our wound in the mirror… because once we decide to look deeply at who we are and awaken, we gain confidence that what we are doing is correct, because as we do it, we feel better. We know what we are saying, because we’ve been through it.
So, get up! If you’re unhappy with who you are, write a list of what you see as wrong with who you are today (which you cycle through your head anyway, so it should be easy) and then pick one, any one, and do one thing to make it different… to grow. Even something like painting your nails, doing five minutes of meditation or a walk around the block. Take the first step, you can do it! I know it. Know. It. The whole world is waiting for you, but only your feet will take you there.
I’m sorry if my words have been painful… you asked “where is my wound” and hopefully the words buzzed loud enough (as i poked it) that your unhelpful voice quieted enough that you know not only are you seen, but you are loved. My heart goes out to you distant sister, and I wish you well along the joyous path right in front of you.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantJohn,
Do we need to be perfect to deserve love? Do others have to be perfect to deserve our love?
Consider that strength does not come from being perfect, it comes from accepting that we are skillful and unskillful, wise fools, strong in our weakness, unstably stable… learning to grow. So are all of them, including her.
I’ve noticed you’ve had some difficulties with judging others, which is perhaps the karmic feedback you’re suffering with now. When we judge others, we project their judgment back onto us. Perhaps next time you feel she is being critical, instead of fearing “oh no, this means she can’t be with me” you could ask her what she is seeing. Perhaps she is seeing someplace where you can improve, or seeing something she finds endearing. The challenge isn’t to be perfect, its to remain open and curious.
Congrats on finding a someone that tugs your strings, there is always a lot of magic and growth in such times! Also, don’t let the hubbub disrupt your meditation practice… 🙂
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantKim,
Usually it would be better to start an additional post, rather than tagging it on as a reply, because more people are likely to read and respond, plus it avoids crosstalk and so on. No biggie, and welcome to the forum!
A few things came to heart as I read your words. As we develop compassion for ourselves and others through meditation and other self care activities, we feel much better. It is like a tree putting its roots deep into the soil, and makes us nourished and stable. Sometimes things can crop up which challenge that stability, and that is good! It let’s us know where we still have growing to do, or where our roots hit some infertile soil.
I think this current suffering you’re experiencing is just a chance for you to cleanse some old anger. Under the surface, perhaps there is still some wish that your ex-husband suffers for his mistakes, and “ha! Like I can be replaced so easily… he’ll see”. This is pretty normal after an intimacy fades, because we feel like their pain will validate our pain… somehow making us feel less lonely in our suffering.
This doesn’t really work, though, because all we are really doing is hanging on to pain. For instance, because I don’t feel any pain around him or his decisions, I can hope his new intimacy brings him genuine nourishment and lasting happiness. For you, though, it is more difficult because you were at ground zero in Kim’s mind and body, going through all the bruising that happens when intimacy erodes. This is actually quite good, because it allows you to let go and settle the past karma. Said differently, when we are able to let go of our side of a situation and wish for the happiness of others (even those we feel bruised us) then we are genuinely, authentically free.
In one sense, our ex-partners offer us that freedom when they move on and find new love. The old pains hold us back knowingly or unknowingly, and by seemingly being happy, he has stirred up old ickyness that you can now heal.
You don’t have to do anything with it, just notice the feelings are there and keep doing the things that make you happy. “This is a feeling of pain, of jealousy, of invalidation, yep, normal, usual… old baggage I don’t need.” And get back to writing, cooking, walking, dating, meditating… whatever. Why let him continue to disrupt your buoyancy? Why given him that power? He will find whatever pain and karma he deserves and needs for his own growth, as you are finding yours. Don’t wish him more or less than he needs, it only slaps our own joy away.
You deserve that freedom and peace, and of course you know it can only come inside. To see him suffer or his relationship fail would only nourish the icky feelings (feeling joy in others suffering is a sure way to lose our inner peace). So just acknowledge the truth of your pain and breathe it away. Your heart is sacred, and it has the strength to let the past remain past.
With warmth,
Matt -
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 