SC,

Its not a big deal, you do not come across as argumentative.

The contradiction you are seeing is why it is dissatisfying. The wrong view is that any thing can bring enjoyment. Consider your statement “I would have to become numb to things I enjoy not to grasp at them.” This not the case. When you “grasp” at “things”, you are making your enjoyment conditional on those things, which causes their passing to be painful. You can’t stop their passing, so you are playing a losing game already.

Instead, we have enjoyment independent of things. There is inner joy and peace, and there are the appearance of things. We don’t become numb zombies without preference, sugar is still sweet and roses are still pretty. However, when the rose is a bud, we are peaceful and happy. When the rose is in bloom we are peaceful and happy. When the rose has wilted, we are peaceful and happy. When its in bloom, we still see all of the vibrancy and color, and feel a deep joy. Its even more potent than conditional happiness, as we don’t feel the need to grasp at the rose, to keep it in bloom to fuel our happiness.

With warmth,
Matt

SC,

Yes, I understand how wonderful moments fade and produce sadness in their passing. What you seem to be seeing are one of the three marks of existence as taught by the Buddha. All conditional happiness (and really all things) contain these marks. In the instance you described with the friends at dinner on Friday, you describe the impermanence or annica in pali.

Impermanence, one of the marks, is that all things change. Each Friday is different, each meal is different. You order the same thing, but it is not the same thing. The friends seem the same, but they have changed, grown, morphed into different people. When we use the “reliability” or the illusion of consistency as a source of our happiness, we produce a dissatisfying aftertaste… because we know deep down that we are grasping at air.

Buddha said that this is the source of all dissatisfaction in our lives. It runs pretty deep in us, and by looking at how deep it runs, we can let go of the material happiness and move into unconditioned happiness. Said differently, when we attach our happiness to the first course, as soon as it is set down we start trying to protect it from leaving… which we can’t. The waiter comes back and trades one dish for another, a Friday night for a Saturday morning, one breath for another, youth for old age.

This is why we let go of materialism as a source of pleasure, and invest our attention on bringing our attention to the moment, where we can connect to unconditioned happiness. We feel the loss of the plate of food, and notice the feeling of loss. Then we breathe in and recenter into metta. Then the next plate isn’t grasped at as much, and we feel a little less of a loss when it goes. Then we breathe in and recenter in metta. Then the next plate comes and we don’t grasp at it at all, because we are happy independent of external conditions (favorable material conditions), and so feel no loss when it goes. A meal comes, we chew, we digest, we poop, and we flush. Where’s the struggle? Where’s the suffering? Its what comes from trying to eat the poop, or resist the flushing, or ignore our chewing, or wanting the meal to make us happy.

I this OK for this not to be an “A Ha” where everything is now fine with you. It doesn’t work that way. This is only to see it enough that you get to work on the actual cure, which is the sitting meditation and the metta practice.

With warmth,
Matt

David,

I like the way you are seeing your behavior as addicted. Love addiction is difficult, because the mind and body recognizes that what it wants is reasonable, even important. The solution may be a bit jarring, but basically you have to let go of the fantasy, the dream.

What you have with that girl is not love, its infatuation and sensual craving. Said differently, as you look at her and dream about what her life is like, you sound like you are doing the romantic equivalent of masturbating. You look at all the choicest bits, and stroke your longing… your dream of what romance looks like.

The truth is not like that. That girl gets smelly diarrhea, gets angry and petty, has fights with her boyfriend, and has armpits that stink. She is made out of blood and bones and puss and snot and poop and piss. She will succumb to old age, sickness and death. What you’re masturbating to is not her, its a fantasy of her… what you love is not her, its the way you feel when you think about her. You don’t know her well enough to love the actual her.

Stop arguing, you know the truth of this. Real love is not about bike rides and kisses and a gas lamp that burns eternally. Its about mutual acceptance, about giving when it hurts, about seeing the blood and poop and boobs and sorrow with equal patient attention. That being said, it is far more powerful and fulfilling than a teenage fantasy.

Most teenage hay burning romances end with a lot of pain. Even more pain than you’re experiencing now. Far more. So why do you say “I wish I could have stood in a burning building?” Do you see how dumb that is? Its like a girl regretting that she waited until her twenties to lose her virginity. As a twenty-something, she has a level of maturity that can make her experience much more fulfilling… while most first times are quick, awkward and painful.

If you can see the truth I see and am expressing here, then there is a simple solution. Learn to work with your mind more skillfully. Instead of sitting around dreaming of what could have been or what might be, we can let go of that habit and get back into our body. Consider doing a counting breath meditation (search YouTube for jayasaro counting breaths for a simple method). This will help you develop concentration so you stop falling into dreams and visions, and stay alert the beauty that is around you. Remember, its the foolishness of your mind that is making you think the girl is then source. Its actually your own body and your dreaming. Its no wonder all other girls are transparent… your mind is so spinny that I bet you’re not even seeing the object of your dreaming.

With warmth,
Matt

SC,

I’m glad you found the Jayasaro counting breath meditation fun! So do I. 🙂

What I was saying about generosity is this: the plans being “a moment” and the past being “autopilot” is just a mental agitation right now. In your mind at this very moment! We think it has something to do with the past or the future, but it is actually a lack of buoyancy or lack of energy in the here and now.

For example… say you look at a menu and plan a 4 course meal. The dessert looks especially appealing, and so your attention stays on that during each course. While you are eating course one, you’re thinking about how you have to get through course two and three to get to dessert. While on course two, thinking OK, only one more course after this until dessert. Then during course three you build excitement because the dessert is next. Finally the dessert comes and it is as amazing as you thought it would be, but it is small and gone in an instant. Then he bill comes, and you see you just spent a bunch of money on a few bits of dessert. What were the three other courses again? Who knows. As you look back at the cost of the meal, there is regret… because the money spent for for a few tiny bites that went poof in an instant.

When we get into a practice of giving, specifically metta practice (Jayasaro gives a great example) then the mental agitation dissipates. We recognize the whole time that the meal isn’t about the sense pleasure, such as the dessert “high”. Instead we are generous with our attention during each course. These were beings and plants which lived. The chef spent time learning his art. The sous chef cut and chopped. In each moment we are eating, we have the spirit of giving, and so each bite is accepting the life and art in front of us. This makes the meal beautiful in the beginning, middle and end. When the bill comes, it is like “that’s it? For all that joy and art and effort of nature, it was only a little money?”.

Such is the role of generosity. It brings such joy and vibrancy to each moment that whenever we get the bill we are fulfilled and happy. Detaching from the past isn’t about forgetting, its about not having to grab onto them to feel the cost was necessary. Said differently, when we are fulfilled and buoyant in the present, the past and future don’t have that feeling of “fleeting” and “autopilot”… because as we move through each moment we have a spirit of giving that reveals the beauty while we are planning, while we are waiting for the plan, and after the plan.

Does that make more sense?

With warmth,
Matt

Jaydee,

What you seem to be describing is something my teacher called negative negativity. It is when anger seems justified, like it belongs there. It is seductive, because the more angry we get, the more vibrant the perception of injustice becomes, until we’re charged and ready to destroy the unjust actions or people.

This is stupid. Consider that the world we are in is like a fertile field. We implant actions and reap fruit. Punching the field seems just, if it has given a bitter fruit. Maybe we’ll “let it know the fruit was bitter” more clearly if we strike at it. It doesn’t work that way though. What we do is implant a strike. Said differently, we don’t sow resolution of injustice with anger, we sow anger. Then we reap more injustice, more “reasons to be angry”.

So we walk away from it. Say screw that, my mind and body are far too sacred to knowingly implant anger. From that moment on, we only implant it reactionary… when we forget or there is too much chaos to see a better path. Such as my child walking toward a hot stove, I might blert “stop” with anger because of the intensity of the fear.

However, in other situations it is “wait, this feels like anger again, where’s my breath, my cushion.”

With warmth,
Matt

David,

I’m sorry for the feeling of loss and intense regret within your suffering. Love can be a crazy ride… sometimes high and brilliant, and sometimes low and shadowy. As I read and thought on your words, a few things came to heart.

The reason our first “teenage love” feels so potent is because it is like a dam breaking and a river flooding. This is extremely startling and inspiring! The whole world glows and the birds sing. When it ends, we’re left with an empty vessel, like finishing a carton of chocolate ice cream for the first time and saying “wow, that was awesome, and darn it, its all gone.” This doesn’t mean that we’ll never have it again… rather we’ve never had something like it and so really notice its absence. Aww, back to broccoli? It arises as an intense feeling of isolation… of awww shucks… regret.

Perhaps you can let go of the empty carton (past moments) and head back for a different flavor. Sure, it won’t be the same as the last time… but face it… last time she was with a guy. That’s a pretty big fly in the cream, no? Said differently, as you dive back in and see what’s out there, the first love becomes easy to let go of as we become more skillful at finding a partner and loving them. This grows a love that is reciprocal, not based on the beauty of “firstness” or “sexual desire”, and better suited to us.

Now that the romantic spirit has awoken inside you, there is no need for regret at having slept… its really just wasting time. Instead, keep the spirit alight by being courageous enough to put yourself out there. Flirt. Be a dork. Say what’s on your mind or in your heart. Be the vibrant and playful you, and a girl who is open to you will respond. Maybe not the first or fifth, but keep going, you’ll find her… and as you reveal your heart and charm to others, she’ll find you.

With warmth,
Matt

Sc,

In addition to John’s words, a few things came to heart as I read your words. I’m sorry for the tastelessness you’ve been experiencing, I know how unsettling it can feel when our mind is unsettled… for me, it feels as though we are in front of a beautiful buffet of life but can’t figure out where nourishing food is. We skipped from happy moment to happy moment, but over time the momentum collapses and we are left feeling foolish and lost.

This a great time! It means that the old method or view of the world is outgrown, and your body and mind are pushing us into a new view. What I see in your words is a recognition that a new strategy might be in order. John was great in suggesting meditation as a good place to start. When you responded that your mind doesn’t like to settle, and you find meditation difficult… that is normal. Expected even! What that means is you don’t yet have the concentration to hold your mind open. Consider that it is difficult to even know what that means! So, perhaps don’t bother with that for now, and do a kind of meditation that increases concentration.

Ajahn Jayasaro has a counting breath meditation on YouTube that I feel would do nicely for you. Instead of emptying the mind, trying to suppress thoughts, or trying to think new thoughts, we simply return to the breath and the number we’re on. Sometimes it might feel like we’re pushing through a windstorm toward a signpost as we reach the next number, but we keep going, keep at it. What we’re doing is exercising a mental muscle, and it takes time. We all go through it, and it gets more stable over time.

Next, when you say the moments you have flash by, and you look back with regret, what I see is a lack of buoyancy. Its as though the past “used up” our energy, and when the music stops and we’re alone, we don’t have the energy we need and slip into our history to try to find it. To keep our energy levels high, so each moment is joyful, we act generously. In each moment, to the best of our ability, we give our attention and intention to the benefit of all sentient beings. This doesn’t exclude us, we are one of the sentient beings we try to be nourishing to. We do our best to breathe in the need present, whether its ours and we go self nurture, or someone else’s and we give them a subjectively relevant hug and/or wisdom (as seems appropriate.)

What this does is invest our love and attention into our garden, and so when the music stops (and we stop dancing at work, school, parties, family) we have an abundance of energy and can self-nurture with ease. We could sit on the cushion and count, go to sleep, take a bath, go on a nature walk, do a hobby… we have the momentum of giving so we simply give to ourselves. There is no need to go back for energy, and when memories surface they are only information.

What we find as we do this is that the paintbrush is in our hand. We can detach from a “results” based joy harvest, or a “craving” based joy seeking and simply rest with an intention of giving. The harvest of joy from this kind of intention doesn’t create confusion in the mind, because we can shrug off fruits that were different than our intentions, and look deeper or let go of them depending on whether the source of the stumble was intrinsic or extrinsic. They don’t force themselves into our mind and bring icky feelings with them.

What develops from the combination of meditative concentration and metta practice (the practice of giving above) is what my teacher referred to as skillful means. Its like reality kung-fu, or working with our view skillfully and intentionally away from the patterns that bring us suffering. It takes time to develop, and we stumble plenty along the path, but the stumbles become less painful as we gain skill.

Take heart, the painfulness is only there to make you alert, so you can yank your hand off the stove! Joy is available all around us, we just have to take the time to clear the cobwebs and explore, let go, dive in. Then time passing is of little consequence, because there is beauty in the beginning, middle and end!

With warmth,
Matt