Hope,

I am so sorry for your losses… your story saddened and amazed me at the same time. The strength you had to have to get through all of that is inspiring. Goodness gracious, it is no wonder you need a boost to go from hopeless back to Hope. TinyBuddha has a knack for that, I think you’ve made some great steps already!

When the world has given us a series of difficulties which have seemed to suck the life out of us, it can be very disorienting. I like how you said you were looking for something you lost, like the old you. She is gone of course, but the qualities she had are still in you, it just has to be rekindled. From the sound of it, perhaps what your heart is missing is the warmth and kindness it felt. In Buddhism, this is called metta, and is very helpful in feeling better.

There are some great videos on metta, and the following is a 30 minute guided meditation that is easy even for a beginner. If you have a pair of headphones and a comfortable chair, consider giving it a go. A metta practice is one of the most magical, positive, emotionally shifting things we can do to reopen our heart.

With warmth,
Matt

• This reply was modified 11 years, 3 months ago by Matt.

Dee,

I’m sympathetic to the struggles you’re facing, and agree with most of what Buddhist Wife said. It sounds to me that your happiness and well being have become dependent on him. This is normal, especially early on in life… but leads to unnecessary heartache. A few ideas came to heart as I read your words.

The first is that most of your writing is done from his side. What he did, where he was coming from, and how his actions made you feel. Consider that in order for you to find your heartsong, that inner voice of love and wisdom that pulls you toward your dream, it is important to step back and look at your side.

Sometimes when we are new to love, we find someone that we feel is the “love of our life”. All our loving feelings pour out toward the person, and they become a symbol, a gift, an avatar of loving feelings. This is very dangerous, because if the way they return the love is sketchy, our heart becomes very hurt.

Instead what we can do is invest our love into our own body. We take time to self nurture, to hug ourselves and become the source of our own love. Taking baths, following our hobbies, meditation (especially!), wish ourselves happiness and peace… all these activities often take a back seat when we’re in a relationship with a romantic partner. This depletes our batteries, and we get hungry for love. Then we seek it in our partner, but if their batteries are depleted also, it becomes stale, argumentative, petty fighting and so on.

Perhaps the break is good for you, too. It will give you time to settle your debts with yourself, finish or get started on the to do list, and practice self care. Then, you’ll be energized enough to reconnect with him from a place of strength, rather than need. Also, consider checking out the work of Pia Melody, her words are like a fresh spring rain.

With warmth,
Matt

SV,

There is not a being on this world that is a waste of space. We are a family of sentient life, all exploring what it means to be alive and conscious. That being said, it is normal and usual to feel lost from time to time as we move from one state of being into another.

When you were in the womb, it was comfortable (if a little cramped) but you were warm and cared for without ceasing. When you were in school, you were given rigid plans to follow, allowing for some preference but within a frame that was comfortable. Now you have left to womb, and the air is colder than before. You have left the school, and the limited options have expanded. On top of those dramatic changes, your mom suffers with mental afflictions which prevent her from helping you find inner warmth and stability.

It is no wonder you feel sad and uncomfortable, fearful and alone. I’m sorry that the bleakness inspired you to do harm to yourself, as though feeling pain was at least feeling something, taking your feelings into your own hands. SV, dearest one, there is a better way to feel in control again, to feel a vibrancy of life that is not based on painfulness and self harm. I see in you a very passionate heart which has upon it a load of bricks. Such as the self criticism, your mom’s misguided and afflicted love, the fearfulness that you are not strong enough to find peace. These are normal, and the weight is of course heavy.

You seem to think the weight is “you”, as though you are just a depressed person without noble qualities inside you. Without strength. This is not the case. You are stronger than you believe, and a being whose body wishes with every fiber to express and feel love. Its just that on top of that sits some rubble, which has accumulated since you were a wee one. Don’t despair, because there is always a path to joy, a path where we unload, unpack, step aside and overcome the weight. It only requires a little hope, and a willingness and courage to jump.

The first thing that comes to heart as I relax and open to your words is that your body needs more energy. This can be done in a few ways. Are you eating fresh fruits and vegetables? Are you taking vitamins? Sometimes a lack of certain nutrients can throw our whole system out of whack and make everything seem like a mountain. Next, have you talked to a doctor since your hospitalization? There are times when the chemicals in our brain need help to maintain balance, and doctors can help. Because of the visits you had earlier, when you were forced, there might be some fear that opening up to a doctor isn’t safe. Many doctors are very loving, and could help you determine if anything can be done.

Finally, one of my teachers blessed me with a secret to becoming joyful and buoyant. He told me that generosity is what produces joy, and that when we do generous actions, we become happy. He was very right. Consider looking for a local food bank or charity organization to help people who are even worse off than yourself. Consider being kind to your body with a bubble bath, or a nature walk, or speaking nice things to it. Where you took control by cutting in the past, perhaps the more awake you could take control now with kindness. Consider doing something spontaneously nice to your mother, who is so afflicted by her past that she lashes out at her sweet daughter. I can promise you that it takes an incredible amount of pain for a mother to lose sight of her love for her daughter.

If you invest the hope you’re feeling now into some of those actions, there should be a great harvest of joy. However, it is like filling a bucket with water. It is good to have water pouring in through our generous activities, but it is also important to fix the holes in the bucket, or over time the joy leaks out. Said differently, as you increase the energy in your body, automatic and self-critical thoughts drain the energy.

Those can be released by starting a meditation practice. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great meditation on YouTube called counting breaths. You could also search for any number of guided meditations. When we meditate, we develop concentration. The concentration allows us to step out of negative, afflicted thoughts. This like noticing where the bucket is leaking and moving the energy away from the hole.

SV, there is a great and beautiful world here. I know that it seems dark and scary, but that is only the deep potential of the unknown. It is really just a blank canvas, and it is not the world itself which is scary… its the weight on your chest that changes a bright, blank page into a scary empty void. Once the weight is being approached directly, you’ll see just how brave your heart is and how the brush is in your hands. Namaste, my sweet suffering sister.

With warmth,
Matt

Bianca,

If you need a little help becoming motivated down a path of self caring, consider that as we become good to ourselves, we naturally attract loving partners. Perhaps when you look at the way you were treated by the girl, there are some parallels with the way you treat yourself? Said differently, it is far easier to engage and maintain a healthy intimacy when you look for it from a place of inner stability and self-nurturing… much like a chef is better at crafting food after she has eaten, because her hunger influences her perceptions of food.

I wonder if your dream girl would have looked and felt much different if you had not been so hungry. Perhaps that hunger caused you to gorge and get indigestion? Doesn’t it feel painful enough that shifting into a practice of self-nurturing is the only thing that makes sense?

With warmth,
Matt

Ben,

I refuse your apology for rambling! Perhaps you had a lot to say, and had you said any less it wouldn’t have been what you needed to get out. 🙂 Social awkwardness is pretty common, which is why public speaking is the number one fear… ahead of death! A couple things came to heart as I read you words.

I used to be afraid of speaking to others. Even while waiting at the checkout, my mind would bounce through a bazillion different things to say, but I could barely peep a squeak. And, after I did speak, I would cycle what I said through my head over and over.

The solution that worked for me was twofold. The first was starting a metta practice, which resolves self-loathing and self-judgment. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great video on YouTube called “metta” which gives simple instructions. I highly recommend it!

The second was accepting that communication is inherently awkward. We perceive in non conceptual images, and try to distill them into words. Said differently, when we see a tree, for example, we know to call it a tree. However, as someone with a high level of empathy (have you noticed that yet?) a lot of the information and perceptions you experience are not easily put into concepts. It is not that you are “boring” but rather what you see is perhaps different than what people around you talk about.

What I’ve found is that the best solution is to let go of the mind and jump from the spontaneous creativity flowing from your heart. Its what is here in these words to you, and as I write them out they leave almost no footprint in the mind. Just breathe it in, breathe it out. Over and over and over. If something comes up that the other person responds to, breathe that in next and breathe out love. Your heart is incredibly strong, and its just fear clamping down on your generous nature that causes the mind to burst with cycles. Like on old cartoons where Bugs Bunny would stick his finger in the end of Elmer Fudd’s rifle and cause an explosion in Fudd’s face. Your heart wants to be generous and give its song to others, and your throat does a veto, and all that energy has to go somewhere!

Give it a shot, jump in. Even if you say something dumb or the people respond oddly, that just becomes the next in breath, the next fuel for your precious gift of heart.

With warmth,
Matt

Helen,

In regard to trying to make confusion fit our feelings:

When we are used to feeling strong and secure, either in following well known paths or working with well established relationships, we don’t have much confusion. From A comes B. For instance, when we are hungry we eat, and the hunger goes away.

When we are in uncharted territory (such as the vulnerability of a romantic relationship) we’re not sure about the feelings we’re experiencing or where they come from. The feelings are there, but what to do about them or with them is unknown, so we become confused. This is normal as we embark into the unknown.

Instead of “how should I feel here” which is a comparison that really leads nowhere because we are all different, there is “what I feel is” and “what I see is”. There is no “should”.

With warmth,
Matt

Ed,

Don’t worry to much about “clearing the mind”. As you follow the process the mind will struggle to reach and remember what number comes next. If you lose confidence in what number comes next, just start again at 1-5. The concentration is a natural result, it is not something we have to do. For instance, we don’t have to try to make our muscles stronger, we only have to lift the weights. The muscles get stronger as a natural result.

With warmth,
Matt