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MattParticipantSecret,
The uncertainty you’re feeling is very normal. The unknown is in front of us, and the ability to move in the planned direction is a little out of our control. This is very disorienting! A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Comparison can be a slippery slope. Sure, your friends are getting married and have houses and so on. This can produce envy and fear! However, if you spend time being happy for them, it can settle the fear and dispel the envy. As we wish them well, we wish ourselves well.
So, what do you want? Where are you at? When we have uncomfortable feelings, sometimes we feel the future holds the key to settling them. This is not the case, because there is always another house to buy, another program to enter, a boss to please, kids to have, etc etc. Peace arises as we recognize the horizon is great for dreaming, but all of the power, all of the tranquility and compassion is with us during each step. Said differently, goals are great carrots to keep us moving, but happiness is something internal, available no matter which goals we meet and which ones we don’t.
Perhaps it would be helpful to write out what you would like to see yourself become. Not in terms of careers and salaries, but in terms of inner qualities. Then you can start to grow them, whatever they might be. And, don’t forget to take a little time to play. Sometimes when our goals loom overhead, we forget that we’re all children playing on the earth for a few handful of years and smiles are magic. Here’s a Zen joke:
Three students are sitting on a river bank, talking about their masters.
The first one says “My master is so developed, he can go weeks without eating any food.”
The second one says “My master is so developed, he can go weeks without sleeping.”
The third one says “My master is so developed, he eats when he’s hungry and sleeps when he’s tired.”
🙂With warmth,
MattMattParticipantSecret,
There is no need to worry, friend. When people have the qualities of mind that allow for the kind of discernment you’re talking about, there is no quality of judgment present. However, people might experience afflictions from your words, but those afflictions are theirs, not yours. Teachers and guides, the ones whom we look up to for help and love, are stable enough in their right view to not be pulled into judgment. Said differently, if you speak courageously from the heart and someone judges, its about them, not about you.
Open hearted people, in my experience, look to support and help, not condemn.
In regards to the erosion of confidence… don’t take any words at face value. Listen, examine, and try it out. Authentic confidence arises as we become more skillful, not from faith. Faith can help us jump, but confidence arises as we reflect on our growth, not from the approval of others.
Namaste.
With warmth,
MattAugust 12, 2013 at 2:17 pm in reply to: "I get angry whenver I try to control someone else" .. how I defuse/calm it now #40293MattParticipantMaitri,
When the faucet is on, you turn it off. Does that make you angry? Perhaps consider the way spaciousness of mind collapses in the presence of a view of injustice.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantKim,
Thank you for the kind words. I understand what you mean about worrying about him, I think that’s very natural. Consider spending a few minutes just sending him prayers and love at a distance. Such as “Wherever you are and whatever you need, I hope you find nourishment and peace. May you be well.” Just because talking to him destabilizes your mind and heart, so you put up a boundary (which is great!) doesn’t mean your heart needs to close to him.
It reminds me of monks who detach from the outside world in order to bring peace into their hearts, which serves the world in a way that is needed. Their detachment isn’t a dishonor to the world, but rather a boundary that allows their hearts and minds to open and bloom free from the struggles and strife of a materialistic existence. This is a great help to the world, not isolation from it.
In the same way, keeping the distance between you and him perhaps is the best way to honor his suffering. The more stable and loving you become, the more you become a part of the light of the world. Hopefully, someday that light will reach him… if not from you, perhaps someone who wishes him well just like you.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantNamaste Sapna, well said.
There are other men out there who would love her, and marry her because they want to be with her. Its nice and kind that you are considering marrying her anyway, to prevent her from feeling painful feelings. That’s not enough in my opinion. After awhile that will fade, and the pain you bring when things collapse will be even greater.
That being said, why don’t you love her? Is your heart closed in general?
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantNathan,
Simply put, consider “this is not that”. That job was stressful and icky, but this job is unknown. It is not as though all jobs produce that powerful feeling of dread… just your first one. Its normal to associate feelings like you’ve done, but you can let it go.
Consider setting down the past. Imagine the past moments as a backpack full of stones, and visualize yourself taking it off. Setting it down. Then, briefly turn to it and say “goodbye Nathan of the past, situations of the past. I forgive you for being heavy and painful. Thank you for helping me learn who I am and what I enjoy.” Then go find something to do which is caring for yourself. Read a book, ride a bike, paint, draw, sing, walk, meditate… let your body know that you are a good guide, and can take it into loving and joyful situations.
Its good to keep remembrances of old times, but even more important to keep our connection to where we are, here, now. The dread doesn’t fit where you are, it is where you were. Where you are is free, and try to help your body see that, and the emotion of dread will fade away.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantDee,
Pema Chodron has a great book “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times.” I highly recommend it. I’m really impressed how you’ve been doing your best to use this emotional turmoil to turn inward and uproot unhealthy ways of being. Your connection with him seems pretty far eroded on his side, and as much as I would like to tell you the future, my heart doesn’t give me that kind of information.
When my first marriage collapsed, I was just like you. I saw my patterns before we ended things, and embarked on a journey of self discovery. Every time I learned something new, I felt like a kid wanting to bring a shiny new toy to my wife. Sadly, her heart had closed to me… so instead of seeing sincere desire and honest growth, she saw it as me trying to win her back. Part of me was doing just that, trying to grow to be a better partner for her.
We separated and divorced, and it was painful. Just like you I felt the “too late” feeling of regret that brought me to my knees on multiple occasions. Finally, after much praying and hoping I started to wish for her happiness, wherever that takes her. I accepted the pain of loss, and decided that I would honor what joy there was in our relationship by letting her go. I cried and my mind reeled, but it was only my half, my pain.
The mantra I used to stop the cycles in my thoughts was “I wish you find peace and love wherever you decide to find it.” Over and over I said it, at first through gritted teeth as my mind clung to the past. Then, finally I started to feel the genuine nature of detached love for her. Beyond being “my wife” there was a girl, a woman, and a mother who deserves happiness with or without me. It was beautiful and painful at the same time, to see her fly, but fly away.
My heart changed through the process, though. I let go of the deep needy love that I had before, and learned to open up the space inside me. It took a few more relationships before I found my soul mate, but when I did, my heart was ready to love unconditionally. My ex wife is one of my close friends now, and she is married to one of my high school friends. My current wife and I are not only unburdened by the icky patterns I had before, but all of the pain that pushed me to grow unconditional love is something I now deeply appreciate, because it taught me not to take for granted the little things. There isn’t a day that goes by that we wouldn’t marry each other again!
Take heart, Dee. I know it is painful, but that pain is making you alert. What you choose to do with the pain is up to you, and even though you can’t change him or win back an intimacy… the more you accept the truth of what you have, the more you will heal. Then if he comes back, it will be great. If he doesn’t, it will be painful for awhile, then it will be great as you use your wisdom and heart to grow a new relationship with someone who wants to be with you too.
If you decide not to get the Pema Chodron book, perhaps at least consider adding to the end of “I want to show him what I’ve learned” a little tag “but even if I never can, this is known as a good change, so I will make it for me.”
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantSapna,
I don’t think we’re anomalies, perhaps just not where you’ve been looking. Sometimes when people get in ruts they look in the same places, the same types of people over and over until they resolve whatever it is that draws them there. Once we step out of hiding and live from the heart, we find more people like us. Gender plays some role, but not because of sex organs, in my opinion, but because of social conditioning (though certainly some genetic factors as well). There are lots of good, awake and mindful men out there… have you been looking?
This is why finding the activities we love to do and our inner warmth is so important. When we engage in our world with heart, we naturally move toward like minded people.
Namaste!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantE,
Just a trigger. Your response was perhaps a bit snarky of a boundary setting, but still, you did set one. Perhaps next time you could be more clear. “Hi. I don’t like your texts anymore, I’m moving on.” Or whatever else comes to mind… the Buddhist “do no harm” comes to my heart in such circumstances. Perhaps the snarky tone caused some suffering? Aggression is great at generating self doubt in a loving heart.
Just keep breathing, it will pass. 🙂 You don’t sound anything like square one to me, maybe square six or seven.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantCarrie,
I’m sorry the cycling thoughts are racing for you now, and know how difficult moments like that can be. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
First is that its only been two weeks, which is a short amount of time. I know that when we’re in pain, minutes seem like hours and days seem like months. But time is still time, and healing takes time.
Second, it seems that you would do well to confront the way you want him to feel. You’re suffering, so perhaps you want him to suffer… as though it will make the pain you’re experiencing from the ending of the relationship justified, reasonable. This is normal, but the underlying anger that fuels it is also fueling the cycles. You said you’ve been sending loving kindness… what does that look like from your side? What specifically are you doing to “send” it? Perhaps you’re sending it by saying “love, release” with the same energy as the NO/grumpy cat? Some other way?
The reason I lean into that so much is because metta (loving-kindness) if cultivated correctly directly/usually relieves the pressure you’re suffering from, and dismantles the triggers such as imagining him happy leading to jealousy and anger. Perhaps you’re not actually holding metta in your body, or perhaps it is impatience as your body heals and grieves. Do-ers always make me smile when they are instructed to just “be” and they respond “OK, how do I do ‘being’?” Sometimes we just have to keep sitting as the storm clouds roll away.
Finally, it is not good to suppress such as yelling NO at your mind. That causes ripples, it does not “set aside”. It is like clamping down on a hose in the old cartoons, where a bulge builds up and explodes. When the mind is cycling, just notice “cycling” and move your attention to the touch of breath on your nostrils. The mind will pull attention back into the thoughts, and don’t get mad at the mind, just look at the nature of mind, notice the gravity. Then move back to the feeling of air in the nose.
Namaste. Rain falls, grass grows, crickets chirp, Carrie heals.
With warmth,
MattAugust 11, 2013 at 3:07 pm in reply to: Having a Problem With a Friend and I Don't Know What to Do #40201MattParticipantKumo,
In addition to the other heartfelt advice, a few things came to heart as I read your words. Consider that there is a difference between being honest, and the inner craving to be heard. It would be one thing if she was asking you to tell her your feelings for her, and quite another to blert and insist she help you settle your uncomfortable feelings. Those don’t belong to her… she is not the cause of your suffering.
Sometimes when we have a crush on another, and it is not returned, when we give them something we wish for it to be returned in the same way. For instance, you place great value and interest into the messages you give her. She perhaps does not return that enthusiasm right now. She said she is busy and its not personal, and so her not taking the time to respond to you is not because she has an aversion.
You are playing it like it is about the club, but it seems to be more about your crush, your desire to communicate with her. This is normal and usual. Perhaps as you look deeply into your side of the exchange, and how much investment you and your mind have placed on the communication, you can see why it is so painful for you.
Said differently, a farmer is bound to relentlessly suffer if he frets every time a seed takes time to grow. If he claws at the dirt, he disrupts the space and time the seed needs to grow. The same is true of connections with others. We give seeds, and let go, keep seeding. If something grows, fantastic! If not, well, one of them will… where the seeds connect with fertile soil. For instance, how many dates could you have gone with the time and energy you’ve invested in your obsessive thinking?
Consider taking some time to self-nurture. Go on walks alone, take a bath, meditate, embrace your creative side. Step away from trying and waiting to get responses from people, that is an empty place to look. When we don’t take the time we need to self nurture, the lack of response becomes all about us. “How could they not respond to ME”. When we do take the time to self nurture, the lack of response is about them. “They did not respond, that is interesting, I wonder why?”
For example, when I respond to your message, it has very little to do with me. Its about you. When I finish, I move on, and if and when my words connect with you, you’ll respond if you want to. And never is it otherwise. Therefore I can move on and give loving kindness to another without worry, without obsession, without distraction.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantHere is a great guided meditation to help cultivate that openness and acceptance:
Ajahn Brahm’s voice and demeanor are so refreshing to my ears, its easy to reinvigorate my faith in the process. Namaste!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantBarbs,
I’m sorry for the difficulties present in the conversation, and the resulting painful fallout. You’re not an asshole. Consider that perhaps it was a delicate time for both of you, and old wounds take time to heal. White lies come up often in turbulent intimacies, because the inner person doesn’t feel safe expressing the truth. Said differently, our hearts bloom in the presence of openness and acceptance, and close in the presence of aggression and judgment (or the fear of them).
I see perhaps where the conversation lead to difficulties, from both sides. Consider your remembered words: “After a bit , I said to my partner – Yes, I know I have made you feel in the past that to look at another woman is kind of bad – and I am sorry, as that may have made you feel that you had to hide that natural impulse from me – at which point he exploded – he said ” there you are again trying to say that I was in fact looking at women when I wasnt, I always told you the truth ”
In the first sentence you told him how he felt. Instead of saying “I feel I was scared and tried to be controlling” you said “I know I made you feel”. Do you know how he feels? It doesn’t seem like you do, and you slipped into making assumptions about what was going on for him, defining his feelings for him. That generates pressure in us, as our internal view collides with what we’re told. Perhaps he didn’t feel what you assume.
Perhaps he didn’t go to the pub, and his rigid shutdown was because of his memory of your prying. Why did you ask him if he had been there recently? Was it innocent or an attempt to find out what he’s been doing? Perhaps he had a nice date there, but to say that would not be safe. I don’t know, you don’t know, and that is unimportant. What is important is noticing whether you tried to dig, and afterward how you are trying to decide what his reaction means, instead of accepting his reaction as is.
Its important not to jump onto another’s side of things, and instead ask them what it is like for them. We are cheerleaders for their explorations, not deciders of their fate and emotions.
Don’t beat yourself up over it, remember that you’ve had lots of time in the old way, and the new way is just buddhing. That you are curious is enough! That you ask yourself to look inward and uncover the baggage you bring is enough! The old naturally erodes as we keep looking, keep learning. My teacher told me it is important to protect the tender shoots of the dharma when we are first learning. In the same way, it is important to protect the tender shoots of the Barbs as she heals… otherwise fiery situations such as the Pub experience could pull you back into patterns of self criticism. There’s no need! You are beautiful and trying, and there is no greater blessing to the world than that. Namaste.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantSapna,
Unless you find a psychic, the answer to your question will remain unknown. I’m sorry that being alone is difficult for you in this moment, but as you continue your path of healing, the Sapna light will be what dispels the lonesomeness. Perhaps looking at the longing which supports the question will be more fruitful than fantasizing about what may or may not be.
To be direct, it seems to me like the question is just another hook your mind has thrown out to try to feel better. Another fantasy to fuel the Sapna fire. Remember that fantasy is not as good of a fuel as self caring, because when you are kind to yourself, that is real and here now. Fantasy pulls our energy away from what is real.
I’m sorry for the suffering, the lonesomeness and difficulties youre having. Keep at the self care, it gets easier in time. Then, not just “any man” will do, and that is better for you and your next romantic partner.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantTrixie-belle,
I’m happy you’ve been meditating and cultivating metta! If a million people did that, there would be a million peaceful people. 🙂 A small thing came to heart as I read your words.
Not silly, just “is”. Not crazy, just “is”. This world has plenty of people who will try to step on a curious and explorative heart… no need for Trixie-belle to be one of them! 🙂
With warmth,
Matt -
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