Hopeful,

What is preventing you from getting more nourishing friends? Her actions surprised and disgusted me when I first read them, but as I found peace, I see her suffering. What does she have that she has built for herself, from her self? Does she have anything that she can draw upon to grow her feeling of self reliance, self confidence? She has money and cars and a house and so on, but those are material, transient, dissatisfying.

Perhaps you are afraid to confront her because you don’t like conflict. It is easier to feed her than tell her to find her own food. Said differently, if you let her walk over you, you are doing a disservice to her and to you. Confronting her is not just about you, it is about helping her awaken to her pain, her suffering.

For instance, when she says “people without money are just jealous.” Perhaps you could notice how you suffer less even though you have less money. Then it would be a simple thing to say “you have more money than me, but seem far less happy”. What a wrench that would throw! She might tantrum and wail and lament, but that is just the poison leeching out of her. “Look, simple words from a friend are enough to send you into a rage. Where’s your money now! How do the cars and the big house help you now!” By simply nodding along and letting her tread in icky waters, being afraid to tell her what you see, think and feel, you aren’t being a good friend either. Do you think she needs clean laundry more than a clear mind? More than a wake up to her pain? The way her using friends and family as a toilet to dump her stress endlessly is harming her and her relationships?

Compassion is co-suffering. Allowing our experiences to become painful for the sake of the healing of others. Sometimes this means putting distance between us, sometimes it means saying the hard truths, and sometimes it means just nodding and hugging. Wisdom comes from looking inside and being courageous enough, discerning enough to try different approaches when one doesn’t work.

With warmth,
Matt

Mac,

I wonder if it is possible to let go without closing the heart. Who knows what conditions are producing the distance on his side, because we don’t know. Much like we don’t blame a deaf boy for not hearing us, we don’t blame the closed off for whatever reasons they’ve closed. Something happened that changed things for him, and we can give loving kindness. “May you be well, happy and peaceful.” This keeps our heart open, but accepts and gives space to the connection to be whatever it needs to be on their side for now. Said differently, if and when the conditions change for him, inside you there is the potential for there to be no resentment or karma within your conditions. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Zenhen,

I love your question! What is the secret to change? Its actually kind of funny! The “fighting the old” makes perfect sense to me because pain inspires action. Growth does take time, however, and accepting that let’s us do something with our impatience.

For example, impatience is just agitation, ripples in the mind that are painful. Instead of not doing anything with them, we can feel how impatience hurts, and focus our will on repentance. “I’m sorry for being impatient with you mind and body, I will try to move away from that.” Then we can do some self nurturing (metta works well in my experience). The agitation settles, and is less likely to return.

With codependent patterns it is the same. They cause ripples in the mind which are painful. So when we catch one, we offer our repentance “I’m genuinely sorry for whatever harm was caused by my ignorance, and promise to be more gentle with myself and others.” Then move into a self nurturing activity.

The same is true if we burn our hand on the stove. “I’m sorry body for being mindless and causing a burn, I promise to be more careful in the future.” Then we self-nurture, by making space around the burn so it doesn’t become more agitated. Pressure just makes it hurt more, so we know to give it space to heal.

So in some ways, fighting the past is silly, and in others, there is real information and motivation there to become more skillful. What we can’t rush is the healing… either of the hand from a burn or the mind of a pattern. We can only be gentle with ourselves, keep applying the salve and let it heal on its own.

With warmth,
Matt

Niraj,

I know how painful and stifling it can be when we are hanging on other people’s words! I’m sorry for your suffering, but take heart… because there is always a path to freedom. When we don’t have a stable self esteem, we look for validation from others that we are good and worthy of connection. This is a slippery slope, because on one hand it is normal, correct and honorable to want to connect with others. On the other hand, it is painful and afflicting a mental wound when we make their words about us.

For instance, one time I walked into a shop and told the girl behind the counter that her outfit looked nice. She said “yeah, its one of those days.” My immediate reaction was feeling rejected, as a heartfelt compliment was poorly received. However, as that settled and I stopped making it about me, I saw something different. Her words were clouded by her experiences, and what she saw was not what I offered. She saw a man hitting on her, and her response was defensive. I was not interested in her in that way, so I know that it was not arising from my side. Her words, emotional reactions and perceptions were about her, not about me. From there I was in a position to connect to her from her side, because I didn’t grasp onto her words for a feeling of worthiness of connection.

This requires confidence and self knowing. If you know where you are physically, emotionally and mentally, then if some response from the environment is different than what a reasonable response might look like, it produces curiosity. “That’s interesting, I wonder why that response came from him or her.” Then instead of guessing, we can ask.

To develop self knowing, a concentration meditation practice can help. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great video on YouTube called “counting breaths” which I recommend. Also, consider JD’s suggestion of metta practice. When we spend time genuinely wishing people happiness, independent of what their happiness might do for us, we quickly develop a stable and spacious mind.

With warmth,
Matt

Dee,

Thank you for the kind words. When we detach from needing our feelings to be requited, there is a magic in our heart. For instance, you say that my compassion and thoughtfulness for someone I don’t know is amazing. I don’t see it that way. My world is full of billions of siblings, my dear friends and family. Just because they don’t see it that way is of no consequence to me! Said differently, when we let go of the need for others to feel the same, being loving is really the only thing that makes any sense. We’re all looking for the same peace, the same happiness. In different directions some times, but diversity is strength. 🙂

Perhaps as you take this break, the end result isn’t as important as the present result. Said differently, there is still the yearning inside for him, and that’s normal, usual and expected. However, it also places the keys to your peace in his hands, which is precarious. There is a real possibility that he is moving on. I like the way you considered that if he is moving on, then he’s not the man you imagine him to be. Who knows? With that being unknown and unknowable, it seems OK to let it go.

Be patient with yourself, and keep returning to the breath. You have a touch of peace in your heart, and it gets overlooked by the storm of thoughts and desires. There is peace, then there is an email. Then the mind shoots off into many directions, hoping and dreading for favorable futures and painful futures. The peace is lost in the fantasy. When that happens, instead of forgetting and tossing your keys on his side, consider just noticing.

“Oh my goodness, will he ever be with me? What does he mean by these words?” Breathe! “I remember that peace is available here and now, where is it covered by?” Breathe! “Wow, my mind is unsettled and racing.” Breathe! “This is interesting, the email caused ripples in my mind.” Breathe! “Just ripples”. Breathe! “Just breath”. Peace.

Your mileage may vary. 🙂

Here is a guided meditation that I find to be pretty awesome:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

With warmth,
Matt

Barbs,

You’re confusing sides again! Remember he has a pattern of odd phone behaviors, why are you surprised? On your side, you wish for peace and kindness no matter what his actions are… and the gentle flame of that candle whisked out. Perhaps his not calling you is a symbol of something? Did your mind latch on to it as “oh, he cares… he’ll call me.”? After all, when you care and say you’ll call, you call.

What if you try to look at what conditions were on his side, such as being frustrated with fishing, a strange pattern with his phone, not wanting to talk to you when he’s not sober… any number of reasons that have nothing to do with you or your symbols. Even if he did not call because he didn’t care in that moment, people not doing what they say they are going to do is pretty common.

So, what a blessing he is as a teacher and mirror for you! Your wish is to become whole, and he is helping you see where you get triggered, where your equanimity is disturbed. For me, I draw strength from the Buddha. I think “hmmm, what would the Buddha see in the absence of need, with simple clear seeing of what happened on their side.” Buddha in this context could be said to be “sideless”, or no desire for things to be what they are not. He didn’t call. He said odd things about the hangup. His patterns are driven by inner turmoil. Isn’t that enough? Would Buddha have made it about him at all? Probably not!

So its back to the cushion! When we add our baggage to the mirror, we realize it and we walk away. Instead of looking for resolution through other people doing things our way, we do our things our way. Remember that inner peace is not a gift offered from another, its a gift we offer ourselves through our mindful and nurturing actions.

With warmth,
Matt

J.D.,

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could just brute force a mountain to dust with our intentions? If, through an act of willpower, we could step away from an old way and never look back. Goodness that would be nice. That’s not how it works, unfortunately. Old habits are like stones that we erode slowly over time. As we become more mindful of what is really happening, we peel away layers until we are free. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

There is a story the Buddha told of two arrows. When we cause pain to our body, we have one arrow. Buddha said that immediately a second arrow arises in the mind. It is as though there are two distinct wounds! Said differently, there is the feeling of bloating, which is of the body. Then there are the layers and layers in the mind, which you apply on top of the bloating. All the meaning to it! “I can’t control…” “square one…” “I’m worthless…” “I’m just going to get fatter…” etc etc.

So, what’s the problem? Consider that if we stay with the first arrow, the bloated feeling, we get in tune with our body. We are more alert, because instead of cycling into self-definition and the future and the past, we remain present. The more alert we are to the body, the more mindfulness we have to be genuinely nurturing to it. Its not that a bowl of popcorn isn’t a big deal, its that your eating it means nothing real except the bloat. Everything else is additional mind bloat, a second arrow, and it actually inhibits the erosion of the “binge eating”.

Imagine two scenarios: You eat a bag of popcorn, and feel the bloat. You say to yourself “what does this feel like in my body?” and simply observe. You feel the painfulness in the stomach, the way the breath feels more constrained, the gaseous feeling in the small intestines, the layers of oil in your mouth. Those are enough, plenty and sufficient to motivate the move toward moderation.

In another scenario, you eat the popcorn, feel the bloat, and launch into mind. The mind cycles with all the guilt, regret and shame. It is very distracting! You hardly notice, or spend any time with the feeling. Its there, but the mind distracts you from really feeling it. The mind is actually spinning the energy of the body into stones… building ego chunks as it generates self images from the feelings. Next time you think “popcorn”, the chunks are there, which cloud your mind. Said differently, ego clouds the view of the popcorn as it becomes interwoven with your idea of JD, who shamefully indulges. This chokes out the mindfulness, which is the basis of healthy decisions.

In the absence of the cloudiness, we eat popcorn until the body says enough. Its no struggle. If we get caught in the sense pleasure and indulge, there’s no shame or guilt. Perhaps a little regret arises and we laugh at how we just poked our body in the gut with our mouth, but we apologize to our stomach and it forgives us.

Its funny when we realize we beat ourselves up for nothing. As though we need to thrash ourselves with concepts to get us moving in the right direction. Its silly! The thrashing is the same force of habit which creates the mindlessness that pushes us to indulge. Could we get a round of cycles on the house?

So we step away. We notice the thrashing, and say “yes thrashing” and move back the breath. We notice the bloat and say “yes bloat” and move back to the breath. Mountains into molehills into raft into river into peace. Its only popcorn… you poop it out in a day, but the shame lasts as long as you let it!

With warmth,
Matt

Blhlh,

I’m very sorry for the difficulties you’re experiencing, and my heart goes out to you. Please do not take any advice from the forums here in regards to divorce, except to seek professional help. There is a national suicide prevention hotline @ 1-800-273-8255. They can give you better advice, and are specifically trained to help.

To help with your heart, consider looking into a metta meditation practice. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great video on YouTube called “metta” which can help you get started. Ajahn Brahm has a guided metta meditation if that is more your thing.

With warmth,
Matt