Sassy,

I would not describe your response as heartless and cold, rather heartfull and angry. Feelings aren’t something that are right or wrong, they are just feelings. We have them! That’s enough!

If you want to do something else with your time, you could look into the causes of anger and try to dissolve them. At this point, because it is just ruminating in the past, perhaps letting all of it go would be simple. Excuse or passed out, either way its OK. Angry or compassionate, either way its OK. With odd phone karma in the union, it is perfectly normal to become disturbed by lack of follow through with plans.

With warmth,
Matt

Tonglen is a practice that is typically done after one is able to visualize the crystal heart of compassion in one’s own body. We breathe in other’s suffering, but those dark tendrils evaporate as they touch our radiant energy. We do not drink it in as poison which we take for others.

Said differently, if we first stabilize metta, then we have the space of mindfulness to practice tonglen without creating ripples in our own mind.

Christina, moto, L, and Karen,

I’m sorry and deeply empathetic to the difficulties you are going through. It can be a challenge to maintain hope in this world, there are constant reminders why hopelessness makes more sense. So many angry, toxic and empty people. Love fading from peoples lives, including our own. It is tough to find hope!

Luckily for us, we have become aware of the lack of hope and are looking. Too many don’t even have that! The solution is actually far more simple than we can believe at first, so it takes a little faith. We become the hope we wish to see in the world.

It may sound cheesy or “yeah right” but it is true. We have the capacity inside us to generate hope. To dig deep into our hearts and find the spark… the potential seed within that we can nourish and watch grow. Its not magic (or not exclusively magic) but grounded in knowledge of others who have come before us, as well as scientific understandings of the brain.

The short version is we cultivate loving kindness. We begin wishing other people well, praying and focusing on their well being. As we sincerely wish for all people to find happiness, we begin to form a mental habit of wishing others well. So as we begin to encounter people, our thoughts are not “ugh, you are hopeless” but rather “May you be well, happy and peaceful.” We still see their qualities, but our mind responds differently. After a while of having thoughts such as “may you be well, happy and peaceful” we begin to have the feelings associated with them. First we intentionally say them, then we think them, then we feel them. Then we don’t even have to worry about hope, because we see that all people, including ourselves, are just suffering. By wishing us all to be whole and happy, our mind opens up and we become peaceful, hopeful, smooth minded, concentrated and aware.

I say this not from faith or a wild hope for humankind. I know it! I’ve walked it! Consider listening to the following and invest as sincerely as you can. Set aside the big questions if you can, and just try it. Even a week of doing this practice once a day could make a big change. Perhaps only a few moments at first, but the spark should be noticeable. Then eventually, with practice the spark catches flame, the door opens, and we find peace. Then the world looks like a very, very different place.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

With warmth,
Matt

Sassypants,

In my opinion, the balance is through mutual nurturing. For instance, I wash her back, she washes mine. If her shoulders are sore, I rub them. If mine are sore, she rubs them. I put the toilet seat down for her and she turns off lights for me. I cook, she washes dishes. Etc etc. Compromise. The main aspect to keep watch on is that neither partner feels obligated or repressed in doing nice things for one another, and the actions do not arise as self sacrifice.

With warmth,
Matt

JD,

My heart is open to you. I’m also a heterosexual male who was abused by males, and I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying and what you’re not saying. I also felt like a stranger in a strange land, like an alien/human crossbreed that no one could understand or relate to.

For me, it was a combination of things. I have known from a young age that I form romantic connections with women. But my body seemed to prefer the intensity and feeling of being taken by a male. There was a surrender that happened within me that was very appealing, and my body would become overwhelmed with pleasure. This happened to me for the first time around 10ish? My memories are a little hazy that far back. It was something that didn’t happen to me in a sexual experience with a woman, and yet I fell in love with women, never even feeling attracted to a male. What a crazy predicament!

At first, I thought I was gay and simply repressing it because of shame. Then I thought perhaps my attraction to women was envy. Then this and that and whatnot until I finally said “screw it” and dropped labels altogether and started simply exploring. What I found has been very remarkable. You, me and everyone are a mix of masculine and feminine energy. Yin and yang. My feminine side was alive and well, and had healed from a lot of the forced penetration and abuse. The body feels pleasure, and my body felt pleasure. It wasnt sex though, because the openness and maturity that is part of sex was absent. It was one man penetrating another for pleasure, and one boy feeling pleasure from being penetrated. As I saw the difference between that and sex, the femininity inside me settled and learned to be peaceful.

However, the masculine side was not healed. I was so scared of passing on my abuse… to either my partner or my kids, neighborhood kids, even friends through my “twisted mind”. I didnt trust men, or the man inside me. To protect others from my abuse, i had something similar to what you describe. One of my teachers called it a “shame core” or a knot of energy inside my mind and body which tried to shut down contact with others. For instance, I would see a beautiful woman, and immediately see them as sexy and vibrant. But it didn’t feel safe to have that feeling, because that leads to abuse (I often sought my abuser for stimulation). So the whole system collapsed and I would “turn away” from their beauty. Or, I would see a beautiful girl, say 12, and as soon as I would see her beauty shut down, because men cannot be trusted with children, and I am a man.

This caused soo much painfulness and isolation. When I would talk to people, a nagging itch would scrape at me “please don’t abuse me, please don’t let me abuse you, please no sexual feelings for this person, please just platonic kindness”. This dialogue would shut down my heart, disrupt my communication, and produce the isolation.

I felt very aligned and awake to the Leonard Cohen lyrics in hallelujah: “I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch and love is not a victory march, its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.” Yes, there was a heart inside me. But yes, it was wounded. This made me feel what I did have to offer was broken love, wounded love, a depressed and icky sexuality to my partner.

The solution for me was threefold. The first was the words of a friend, who said that our history is something we can’t change, but we can change the way we relate to it. I started looking closer at who I was and what my mind was doing in each moment, and started to actually heal and let go. I found that the problems I had as a kid turned into an amazing kung-fu. Sure, there was abuse, but there was also surrender.

The next thing that helped me heal was metta practice. It is difficult to sit with shame and not be swept into it. So instead, we can generate a stability of warmth inside us. As we become more and more practiced at metta, the confusion melts away, the agitated mind melts away. It produces a quality of mind which is free from aversion, free from greed… smooth, peaceful.

From a state of stable mindedness, after cultivating metta, that is when I do concentration meditation, such as counting breaths. Your “my mind is chaotic” noticing is very normal at first. Before I even got to 10 the first few dozen times I did it, I felt like I was pushing toward a signpost in a windstorm. Then, I would lose concentration after the first round, and be fighting sleep and mindlessness during the second round of 1-5,1-6,1-7 and found myself starting over again and again without even seeing 8. Normal, usual, expected. Keep at it! Metta first helps. Actually many Buddhist meditation groups start with metta mantras first for exactly that reason.

Finally, we are all different. We have different histories, genetics, and perspectives. No matter where you come from, there is nothing in your body or mind that is unlovable or unworkable. We were little kids, and as we grew into men encountered a lot of painful and confusing moments that many don’t have to go through. So not only do we have little cartography available, but our uniqueness means even maps of others out of the maze don’t always work. Consider that my heart and wisdom are here for you, and I am not enlightened, but I have walked away from many mazes and consider it a sacred honor to help in whatever way I can. If you wish to be more specific, I will aim my best. Namaste, brother. You are loved.

With warmth,
Matt

Tinymoon,

I’m sorry, friend, for the despair and shame that overwhelms your body. I know how dark and isolating that feels, and how it can seem like there is no warmth left, no spark to set the inner creative fire ablaze, and sitting with that emptiness is terrifying. Take heart, because there is always a path to joy.

It is so easy to look back at the child we were and bring our current perspective to him or her. We see how many opportunities we had to be ourselves, to follow our heart, and how we squandered and lost those moments. For what? We were paralyzed with fear, and it choked our creativity… and so we fell into the same mistakes over and over. We begin to realize that the burdens we’re carrying are harming ourselves (and often others, as our fire is not added to the world in a loving, peaceful way).

This is OK, normal and even necessary to grow. We all have a part of ourselves that we dislike and try to hide from… and the lucky ones realize that when we begin to see it, we can choose to set it down. To settle it. The painfulness of isolation becomes the motivation for our practice, and in practicing a new way, we are able to become stable and loving. The task of course is to find that new way. What are we doing wrong? What do we focus our time on? How do we find our unique inner heartsong and help it blossom? What is our path to joy?

What I see within your words is a very common cycle between pride and shame, and a heart which is seeking authentic humility (which is the energy that emerges when we settle or transcend the cycle).

On the shame side, or the valley of the energy cycle, there is the feeling of isolation. We feel unworthy of connection, as though we don’t deserve our dreams, that something is inherently flawed with who we are. We are stuck, alone, broken and hopeless. But something nags at us from this place. The anxiety and solitude is painful, and it pushes us toward finding validation and warmth. We want a little hope that we are good, loving people, and we start looking. This is very natural, normal part of the process, of the way our body works. Like when we put our hand on a hot stove, we feel an immediate need to jerk our hand away. When we are ashamed, we emotionally try to jerk our mind away.

This mind-jerk pushes us into pride. Sometimes we seek outward for reasons we’re good, such as reading self help books. Sometimes we make wishes such as envisioning what a “perfect me” would look like. Sometimes we look backward in time to our past and say “As queen tinymoon, I declare princess tinymoon to be unworthy, broken and indecent.” As we do these actions, seeking proof that we’re better than that, should be better than that, should be better than this, we are only punching ourselves in the mind. Said differently, shame pushes us to find connection unskillfully, and so our creative fire in the moment creates judgment of self or others’ actions, thoughts, and feelings.

This is a lose-lose-lose spin cycle as we bounce and bounce. Again, this is normal, natural and helpful in finding our humility. Buddha taught that humans, tinymoon and matt and Buddha and our parents and all the rest are born with a fundamental ignorance. We have some instincts such as suckling, but the aware part of our mind is something that has to be taught, has to learn. It would be one thing if there was good instruction on how to find inner peace and creativity. However each of us is different, and therefore stumble and struggle with finding our unique place in our heart, family, society, and the cosmos.

This makes failing inevitable. We try and struggle, rise and fall, trip and stumble over and over. Each time, we learn new things. It would be nice and fun if we were just perfect and could immediately build a pair of wings and just fly on our first attempt. Some even do, but most of us try this and that until we finally find a path that inspires our heart to song. Humility arises when we realize that it could not happen any other way. We have to go through struggle in order to find out what we like and dislike. We have to find, confront and become peaceful with our fears. We have to realize, and come to accept that these past experiences are teachers, not failures. That there is something much greater than ourselves helping to direct the flow of our mind and body. Call is God, science, psychology, the dharma, ein sof, or whatever, there is a pattern that we are a part of, subject to its laws and limitations, and part of an experiment of conscious life.

So we let go and accept our body. Pride… that just doesn’t make sense… why blame ourselves for making ignorant mistakes when ignorance is fundamental? Why feel ashamed for failing when that is the only way our conscious minds learn and explore new and difficult paths? So we let go of the whole cycle and just surrender here and now. When we open humbly to the energy, the truth, that is on the other side of the cycling cloudy ego chunks.

And we find they are quite impermanent. The cycle is empty of anything but momentum. One side fuels the other. Shame causes craving of connection which causes over compensation and we judge ourselves or others. This is unneeded, not necessary, and can be abandoned.

Easier said than done! It does require determination and courage, but provides so much relief that it quickly becomes a no brainer. The path that I have found away from the cycles is twofold. The first is we generate loving-kindness in our body. Instead of just being blown around by the jobs and the dreams and the mistakes, we sit and wish ourselves and others to be happy and peaceful. Consider looking on YouTube for “Ajahn Brahm Guided Metta”. Metta is a word which means loving kindness, which is the inner warmth, the inner loving peace that just wants all beings, including ourselves, to find joy.

The second is we develop concentration so we can step out of painful mental cycles. For instance, it may seem reasonable and usual to feel ashamed of our past mistakes. We look back and see our befuddlement, and KAPOW, shame arises. This is not good or needed. When we have metta, we can look back and ask “what was there? How easy it is to love the little kitten I was, scared and alone. Come to my chest, past version of me, I will care for you and love you.” But, if we don’t have concentration, our mind tries to sort through the last automatically, without grounding the energy of the body and mind into love first. This is like trying to drive home without gas. We settle the past only after we have the warmth in the present to approach our karma skillfully, with mindfulness and patience. The best method I know of for generating concentration is sitting meditation. As we sit and breathe, counting numbers or observing the breath, we get good at letting go of the ripples in the mind without pain or pushing. We just tend to the body here and now, and give our mind space to breathe and be well. Once we’re settled and peaceful, we can look wherever we want! To the past if we feel there is some lesson that would help us here and now, or to some path in the future we’d like to take. But as we wish it, as our mind feels fit to do, not habitually, not automatically. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great counting breath meditation that is on YouTube if you wish to try it out. His instructions are simple and effective and helping a mind develop concentration.

Please don’t give up, tinymoon. You are part of something much greater than yourself, and are not alone. There are eons worth of wisdom of love coming your way, and regret melts away as we begin to see just how critical, how important every step of our journey has been. All you have left to do is keep jumping, stepping forward with courage, and the moon passes and sun shines. Namaste, my dear and distant sibling.

With warmth,
Matt

Rahul,

I’m sorry for your struggles, and hope that some inner warmth arises soon. I like the way you notice that the further inward you look, the darker it feels. That’s actually a great place to be! Consider that when you walk into your home, if it is cold inside you know what to do. You go to the thermostat and turn up the heat.

In the heart it is the same. There is coldness, so you looked for heat in her. You lied to protect that feeling of warmth. That’s fine! Its not skillful, but perfectly normal.

So, the task becomes “where is the thermostat of the heart?” How do we accept the cold and find out how to generate warmth? Others have asked that same question, and have found the answer! What we do is metta practice. Consider searching YouTube for “Ajahn Brahm Metta guided meditation” and follow his instructions. It may happen immediately, it may happen after 5 attempts, it may take 10. Get your butt in a chair or on a cushion, and keep at it. The warmth arises, and because it is within you, people laughing or the girl walking ahead of you will be of no consequence. Your heart will heal by itself, for itself.

With warmth,
Matt

Amber,

I’m sorry for the spinning that happens when you don’t feel heard. I used to have that happen to me, and in my case it was an attachment to the “kernel”. I was a middle child, and often felt unheard or overlooked. This created a pressure inside not only to have my view seen and heard, but for people to relate to it in the same way I did. This is precarious, and leads to endless spinning in the mind.

Consider that we have a special place in the cosmos, with a unique and beautiful view. This makes our truths sacred and special! When and where those truths or “kernels” feel important, it is natural to wish to share them. However, those around us do not have the same view, the same unique mix of feelings and opinions, perceptions and observations. This means that it is very difficult to help them see exactly what we see, to know exactly what we know.

So we have to be patient with them. We have to accept, realize and know that truth unfolds like the petals of a flower. We cannot rip a bud open, then petals just fall everywhere. Instead we nourish and pour, shine and smile. We introduce our ideas gently, with tenderness and understanding. If they don’t “get it” its not because they don’t care or are just stupid, its because all things, kernels and flowers, take time and attention to grow. That they relate back to “part of it” but not the “root” is unavoidable. Think of it as a spiral, where the words surrounding the kernel lead toward the center. With time and effort, sun and rain, the path is travelled inward. Said differently, it is normal to have to introduce a concept to someone multiple times before they understand you. Ignoring that only causes you suffering, it won’t help them see you any faster.

With warmth,
Matt