Todzilla,

Wow, you’re really working through it… exploring such rich and fertile fields! Great work! Todd, it seems to me you’re looking at shame, or the feeling of fear that we don’t have connection, don’t deserve love. I wrestled with this, a lot, and though it sometimes still cankers, I’ve put my mother and father issues to rest. Come to know I am lovable, as is, root to crown, wholly. The shame arises from too much dwelling on where you’ve done wrong, and not growing your curious hope. We have to come to accept that other people’s energy doesn’t have anything to do with us, not really. They have a whole life going on over there, and don’t always have the space to be loving. They get caught up in shit, just like us. But beneath the rising and falling, as a continutity of warmth and intention, is a heart that has been trying to show you that you’re loved. But when it shines, it hits painful things, your leaves get kicked up, not trusting there’s love behind the packaging.

And so you perhaps attack the packaging, instead of reaching through it. Accept the thorns as her imperfect way of loving you, and they stop hurting. For instance, she said “explore your relationship with your ma”, and it was “ouch, why is this on me?”. Rather than “perhaps her heart song is saying exactly what I need to hear, for whatever reasons, packaging forgiven. On both sides, sometimes bumbling, sometimes brilliant, a partnership of love, exploring the world together.” The later “opens up” as the shame is set down.

To ditch the shame, we have to find compassion for ourselves, or the space to see how we really are. To open up the closed fist, and let our past settle and flutter off into history. With your mom, for instance, notice how her mysterious emotional states really bothered you. Heart, full of hope, and here she comes “oooh, maybe love this time” but nope, she’s something different, and painful.

As a side note, sort of, last night I was resting with these ideas, of how my mom left me with a sense of redemption, as though I somehow had to work off my “failures” in order to be loved. My mom would lash and lash for an error, or brag and brag to all her friends for an exceptional accomplishment. I was in a meditation, resting in “yep, ha, she didn’t know she was loved either” surprised melancholy, space to shrug and let it go. Right then, my mom called me, asking me to fix her printer over the phone. Which I couldn’t. Now, she didn’t say i was bad… she just demanded i help her, and when i couldn’t, described just how horrible it would be for her in 30 minutes if her printer didn’t start working, then hung up. I laughed. I couldn’t help it. I tried to help, but the conditions prevented me from doing anything more. I just couldn’t fix it, didn’t have the knowledge needed. But I also am not supposed to. Like when I messed up the alphabet, in front of a friend of hers, and afterward she would tell me I knew it, why didn’t I care enough to try to be correct. Hahahaha. I said a prayer that her situation resolve with grace, and moved on. Her emotions are her issue, not mine. Some regret that I couldn’t do more, but her “chicken little” tantrum was not of my making.

But what is important, is to set down the gavel of judgment. Like me, deciding “how dare she be like that to me”, or resentment that I gave love and she gave tantrum. Don’t get mad or pushy just because a lioness is roaring in pain, brother. They have their thorns too, the world often seems cold and unforgiving. Which you know, right?

So toss aside the gavel and approach love in a new direction. Consider that love is a continuity, but the warmth only blossoms when there is the space for it. Trust, on both sides, to express the heartfelt whispers, and to receive what flickers in the candlelight. It flows. When the trust is bent, or broken, on either side, the warmth often flickers out. So, of her tender warmth has flickered out, its your job to take the glimmer of warmth in your own chest, and help her rekindle her own. If she’s mad, offer comfort. Even if she’s mad at you. Let the thorny part of it pass right through. “I’m coming for you, my queen!” And reach again and again with heart. You say you love her a lot, and I say bah. Your heart is barely dripping, compared to the flood that’s available. And its your job, your main job, to bring rain. Why? Because that’s what you want. 🙂

Your question wasn’t “how do I divorce my wife, move on”, or “how to I juggle a mistress and a wife” or “how do I make more money”, it was “how do I reconnect with my wife?” When you ask her, she’s like “not sure, buddy, try these.” And she’s right, settling and resolving that stuff will help. Like removing stones from a backpack, the pressure behind the anger and other emotions. But there is much to be said to approaching your dance with her like an epic love poem you’re writing alongside her, to set her world to sparkle and glow with grace and wonder. Help her see that she’s a Queen, and she’ll see her King again. Its not something you have to “earn”, its just something you have to grow. Its in your hands, ya know? If she’s not melting at your touch, try again! Not all seeds blossom, but for us intrepid wanderers that plant many hopeful seeds, grace becomes a respected friend. Show her the many ways you love her, and she’ll swoon. She wants too, you can count on that. 🙂

Consider emailing me at tinybuddhamatt@gmail.com if you’d like to know more about couples energy healing. I don’t know if you’re still shopping for a therapeutic approach, but if you’d like to hear more, send me an email and we can discuss details. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Dream,

In addition to the other kind words, consider that he doesn’t deserve better than you, he deserves exactly you. Even as screwed up as you think you are, he is the same. That’s part of what drew you two together. You’re both a huge pain in the butt, and both magnificent.

Consider that you have a huge, big, open heart, and love him perhaps a little more than you love yourself. So, he farts, no biggie. You fart, OMG. He stumbles, and “how cute”. You stumble, and “what a stupid clutz”. Over time, too much of this weighs the heart, until it doesn’t even know why such a wonderful man would be with such a disaster of a woman. Don’t be fooled, friend, even your disasters are beautiful, and the only reason his errors slide right by is because you have such a fond affection for him. Lend yourself some of that light hearted acceptance, you need it too!

With warmth,
Matt

Maverick,

It probably means she is confused about who she is and what she likes, but knows that at least for now, she needs space. Like “I don’t know what the whole ocean looks like, but right now, I’m drowning and need air.” Are you recovering from an addiction? It may be a good time to take a deep breath and look around, find what healthy options there are that make Maverick happy. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Steve,

You do contribute, friend. More important than bringing any “special wisdom” or whatnot, bringing what you have is always what’s needed. Even when its problems you need help with! Consider that you have the courage to say what is there for you, what you’re looking at. You’re not the only one looking at those things, so as you express even your confusion or need for help, it helps others feel less alone.

Consider, for instance, how many others may read these threads and feel like they can’t contribute something meaningful. You bring it up, with courage, and right off help them feel less alone. And, the community grows a little brighter… even though it was a question, not an answer! And then, it also opens a road for those that have worked through a similar discontent to respond with their ideas! See? There is only contribution. Great work! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

🙂

Katie,

That’s an interesting one, and I think you’re right on target with the notion that the more present both are, the more knowing really grows. Consider when we bake an apple pie, there is a lot of work that goes into it. Peeling, slicing, spicing, rolling dough, baking. During all of that, we might feel stress. Burn our arm, nick a fingernail, drop a pie plate on our toe. Any number of little trips. When we serve the pie, what do we want our loved one to know? The pie or the journey of making the pie? If we tell them all the parts that go into creating the pie, perhaps they’ll be thinking about that, rather than simply enjoying the pie. If the baker lets go, just gives them the pie, and rests openly as the pie is eaten, then the resulting smiling of both baker and (eater?) makes the journey insignificant, unstaining. Who remembers the nicks and singes when there is chewing and singing?

Said differently, consider that the Katie that was at work is already dead and moved on by the time she gets home. Are you really defined by the gossipy whathaveyous of who said what to whom? If you were injured, or something else more troubling than some random “wind through the trees”, that would be different. My teacher noted that we don’t try to turn molehills into mountains, such as regurgitating the moot to try to be better known, painting our pain so they know what we’ve been through. But we also don’t try to turn mountains into molehills, such as not talking about what is important. Knowing the difference, and where those lines are, is personal for all of us. Said differently, if you wish to be known, draw attention to what is in front of him, rather than what is behind you. You’re already right there!

In a practical example, consider “wow, all day I was wearing tight shoes, and every step brought discomfort. I walked to the store, and ouch the whole way. I walked to the office, and ouch the whole way. Then, my boss asked me to go back to the conference room and lead the discussion, and the whole time I was standing my feet were mad at me. Then, the co-worker asked me to run across the whole office to…” etc. Instead of “my feet hurt, would you rub them?” Does he need to know the why? Does it change anything?

With warmth,
Matt

Todzilla,

She sees symmetry in your struggles? What is she wrestling with? Where is she at? If she has lack of compassion, what is going on for her that collapses that spacious warmth?

You’re speaking as though to let go of your side and be there for her, is somehow self sacrifice. As though Todd will be lost as he scrapes and serves her. That’s not compassion, either. That’s “Todd being so caught up in Todd that he doesn’t have space to see where she’s really at.”

Consider that “withholding intimacy” is your side. Her side is perhaps “not in the mood” or “not feeling it”. “Wanting to control” is your side. Her side is perhaps “looking for stable ground”.

The most troublesome is this “auditioning to be her husband” quality. Because you two are married, do you feel you have some type of rights? Perhaps you have been taking something for granted that you should have been honoring all along. Assuming you “got the part”, “have that in the bag”, and so stepped away from wooing her. Said differently, each moment is an audition, a chance to show her what you’re made of. Are you an angry son-of-a-bitch? Are you really so blind that you think she doesn’t know how mad you are? If you can unclench your mind around this notion “I’m not being heard, how unjust!” then perhaps you could see how you’re not hearing her, either, and in your anger, your strong urges to be seen, heard, and loved, are judging her need for recalibration as manipulative and unjust. Its her need, friend, and she is right to take a stand.

With warmth,
Matt

Dan,

The counselor sounds wise to me, the memories won’t necessarily go away, but the way you relate to them is changing. That’s what the forgiveness does, it opens up a place for the old icky feelings to go, such as the years of hate still tied into memories meeting up with your open heart and dissolving. Then, memories, but with peace.

As far as hanging onto the anger, wanting to keep some of it, that makes sense too. Its like we wish to honor ourselves by holding onto the anger… keeping the injustice of it all fresh, real. This is silly though, like wanting to keep a broken leg so we can remember that guy that kicked us. The anger doesn’t do anything productive, it just feels painful, so why bother? Be free of it, in my opinion, turn away from it, hug it, laugh at it, whatever… but don’t dwell. Let the leg heal, anger fade, and you’ll still remember, still be alert, but you just won’t limp. 🙂

Breakdancing, huh? That sounds unusual and awesome. Bravo!

With warmth,
Matt