Kim,

I have two kids, and sometimes my mom bakes them cookies. Cookies are like my kryptonite, and if I saw a plate full of cookies, my body just said “yum yum you haven’t had a cookie in a long time, have a cookie”. At first, I was like “NO COOKIES” and would say it over and over. But when the steam ran out of the NO, I’d go and grab a cookie. Then the self loathing would pop up, and fuel a new “NO COOKIES”. On and on the cycle would go.

The problem was I would think a lot about cookies. Sure I’d negate the cookies with a no, but the “no” only lasted so long. Then it went from thinking “NO COOKIES!” to “COOKIES!”. The solution for me was to drop both cookies/no cookies and notice the way my body felt. Then it naturally moved me toward health, and now I can eat a cookie without obsessing.

The same is true of HIM. Consider spending time with your body, discovering Kim, and perhaps you’ll move toward health. Sure, the relationship brings painful feelings and memories, so what? There are lots of things in this world that dont, lots of things you love to do. Things that make you feel good inside. Do those. Then maybe thoughts of him will be more peaceful.

With warmth,
Matt

Sapna,

Why are you so grovelly to us? You don’t owe us anything… if you want to email him, email him. Its your journey, sister. You hold all your keys and have all the knowledge of who you are and where you’ve been. I say the fall is the guilt you feel, rather than the email.

This family, here at TB, is not like your parents. I doubt any of us will judge you, grab a stick, and tell you we’re disappointed, and beat you up. So, don’t do it for us in your mind. For instance, if I were to say “whatever you do, don’t email him” but your heart says to email him, goodness, do it! We’re Sapna cheerleaders, wishing you to find inner peace and your heartsong. It would be silly to think we know better than you the whispers of your love.

So, how did emailing him feel? Have you been obsessively checking to see if he responds? Are you prepared for being ignored? Have you been nurturing to yourself? Has the inner critic been quiet since you emailed him? Are you OK?

You don’t sound weak, you sound courageous. It takes bravery to lay your heart out like that, and I hope wherever it leads, you find more about Sapna and her bright light. Namaste, sis.

With warmth,
Matt

UD,

I’m very sorry for the stress and anxiety you’re suffering with, and know how crazy life can be sometimes. I can understand why you consider yourself broken, because you see yourself doing actions which you know are unhealthy, and yet there you are doing them. Don’t despair, friend, there is always a path toward joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First I think you need to shift your perception of what is happening in your mind. The vision that I see is a person drowning, and desperately seeking air… or a starving person craving food. At some point, for some reason, while you were in a relationship with the girl she became a source of nourishment. Perhaps you were able to be open with her, or she offered you compassion and forgiveness… some thing you needed was given to you by her. As you took that in, it was so relieving, so invigorating, that your mind points to her as the source of that need being fulfilled.

So now, when the need arises in you your mind begins to bounce and spin, because it can’t find release. It doesn’t know where else to find the needed thing, and so it pushes you to grab, manipulate, stalk, beg… anything possible to get air. Don’t beat yourself up, people do incredible things when they are starving, and you are a good person. If you weren’t, your actions wouldn’t bother you. But they do, and yet your hunger pushes you.

So the goal here is to find a healthier food. She isn’t the only place to find that need, she isn’t even a good place to find it. Probably, and is only a guess, what might feed you is self nurturing. Said differently, if you have been as critical with yourself as you were in your post, then no wonder you desperately seek love and acceptance. Its OK, we all need that, and the healthy/lucky ones among us look inward first. Consider beginning to be kind to yourself, do things which feed and inspire your heart.

Perhaps you could go for a walk in nature (barefoot would be even better!) Or, you could take a bath with candles, eat some dark chocolate, go give some hugs and loving affection toward your parents or other trusted family and friends, visit a museum, or whatever activities bring stability and happiness to your body. Show your body that it matters, that you are willing to be kind to it, to be gentle with it, to give it the attention and caring it needs.

One thing I find to be very, very settling to an anxious mind is called metta. Consider starting a metta practice! Metta is loving kindness, and is an unconditional warmth we cab develop in our body for all living beings… including ourselves. Consider following along to this guided meditation… even once a day for a week will certainly produce a great relief:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

You are not lost or a stalker. There is simply an agitated mind looking for breath, looking for food, and your obsessive quality just shows how powerful and intrepid you are. As you move away from an unhealthy searching for the food you need (which is normal!) then all that potency becomes inner strength. Said differently, imagine how many walls a starving and unskillful Superman might bust down before he wakes up and finds a gentle way to find food. Namaste, friend, you’re closer than you think!

With warmth,
Matt

Any,

You, me, and everyone come to that exact moment. “What the heck happened?” The lucky ones say “enough is enough, this hurts enough to change whatever it was that got me here”. And begin to learn. Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find balance and joy. We search for it relentlessly, but often don’t know what we’re looking for, and so many mirages seem like it, but crumble to dust over time. Finally, hopefully, by luck and intrepid learning and meeting just the right teachers at just the right time, we find our way home. The funny thing, ironic enough to gut laugh, is that home is something we carry with us, an inner flame that just needs the space and caring to grow. So please don’t bother beating yourself up over it, that’s wasted time. We all stumble a bazillion times along our path, and each one is unique… so mistakes are unavoidable.

So even though it is natural, usual to feel regret for the “shit you pulled on your ex”… regret is the lesser path, the icky one. Instead, you can honor the lessons he offered, the love he gave by taking a stand and growing. You can’t change the past, but you can work with the present. I’ve made so many mistakes along my path that at first I would crumple with shame and regret. That is like the mistake has two wounds. The wound of the past and the wound in the present. There was the initial dumb action, which was painful and upsetting to everyone involved. Then, just as if that pain wasn’t rough enough, my “regret voice” would step in and whip me every time I thought of it. Screw that! Now, I still honor the past, accept the mistakes, and do my best to learn from them. Other people forgiving us is between them and their heart. For us, though, we can forgive ourselves for our mistakes, which is far more important.

Consider switching your question around. “How did I get here?” To “How could I have gotten anywhere else but here?” Then “Where do I want to go next?” Namaste sister, love and light to your heart and mind.

With warmth,
Matt

Any,

I’m sorry for your loss, the difficulty that drove the separation, and the despair you’ve been feeling. It hurts to lose our loved ones, and doubly so when we connect our sense of well being to our partner. Not only has he left your life, but also a huge chunk of your self confidence! Don’t despair, beautiful sister, there is always a path to joy.

In the void inside that you experience now, you can take two roads. On one, you try to fill it with unhealthy things. Him, another man, a handful of pills, booze, food. Those might give some relief by filling the cup, but they don’t actually fill the hole in the cup. Said differently, when we get our sense of self esteem from external things, the esteem leaks out when those things go away.

Luckily, there is another way, and it is so relieving that once we start the path it makes such better sense that the old way just shakes right off. We begin a practice of self nurturing. When we are sad, unsettled, angry… our body is saying to us that it needs attention. We can send vicious text messages or apologetic ones, eat a hundred cookies, go hook up with a guy. Those are us trying to self nurture and just looking in the wrong direction. Instead, we nurture ourselves directly. Perhaps we go for a walk in nature, and intentionally look at all of the sights. Perhaps we take a bath, with candles and bubbles and soft music, and listen and open and let our body rest and recharge. Perhaps we find a guided meditation on the net (YouTube has lots) and do our best to open to the methods and words of the guide. These types of activities help the spinny thoughts and painful emotions settle.

Also, consider picking up a copy of Pia Mellody’s books. She does a great job as explaining how to get in good habits, so when our partner does odd stuff we don’t go crazy. Perhaps instead of trying to “get him back”, it would be better to aim at “getting you back”. Then, your heart can be stable no matter what is tossed your way.

With warmth,
Matt

Casey,

Perhaps consider doing some metta practice with her. As we intend loving kindness toward difficult connections, our mind becomes free from the type of agitation you’re experiencing. There are some great guided meditation practices on YouTube. Perhaps check out “ajahn brahm guided metta”.

If you still have romantic feelings for her, perhaps your caution is wise. They can sometimes stir up jealousy and resentment… that when expressed lead to guilt (and tears at the friendship). If you hold a strong intention of being especially gentle (and practice metta) then your heart will guide the way.

With warmth,
Matt

Chris,

There are lots of books, but Christopher is the interesting study, don’t you think? “Mindfulness in Plain English” is a pretty good book, though, it may strike you well. A few things came to heart as I read your response.

Consider that when we engage with a moment and do not feel the inner warmth of self love, we naturally move toward seeking love. Like when we are hungry, we naturally seek food. As you engaged with others, you told them whatever it is you thought they wanted to hear. Said differently, you told them the words that you thought would make them love you. That’s normal, usual, and no biggie.

Except there is a consequence. The food doesn’t go in… because you might have given them a few words, but they were not generous, they were selfish. Said differently, when we have self love, we are generous to others without needing to say pleasing things. We are free to say whatever it is that seems helpful, rather than what seems pleasing to them. Our hearts wish to be helpful… our compassion is actually nature working to heal itself. That is what gives us actual food. Said differently, love is never earned… love is shared. This includes telling a Chris when he’s been a doofus, or telling a Matt when he’s been a doofus. It might be unpleasant, it might be pleasant, but when we are sharing our abundance, it is beautiful… nature restoring itself.

Buddha taught that to do this, we connect to that abundance directly. This frees us from scrambling for it when we are taking action (such as communication). For this, books might help, but it is your butt on a cushion that does the actual work. Really its any self nurturing activities, such as walking in nature, taking a bath, eating healthy, etc. Things you do that show your body that its little piece of nature is important, sacred, special. Meditation is just one, but a potent one. Consider giving this a go:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

It is both a method and a teaching. Following along can not only provide the fuel, but also the why. Namaste!

With warmth,
Matt

Christopher,

As I read and digested your words, at first it seemed the heartfelt and skillful words of the others was enough. However, after reading a little more of your art, a few things came to heart that may help.

It seems part of the identity crisis you’re experiencing is this notion of “false self”. There isn’t such a thing. Sure, there are veils and personality traits that come forward when you meet up with experiences where you are uncomfortable, but that isn’t “not you” that is still really you, just uncomfortable and trying to adapt. When we don’t like ourselves sometimes we try to deny our actions, attributing it to some phantom being or “false” being.

The major setback of this is it sets us looking for a “real self” that also exists only as a phantom. Neither exist. Buddha (or perhaps a Buddhist teacher since, I don’t remember) said that we exist as our actions. “Christopher” as a momentum of actions sort of exists, but is also constantly changing. “Real self Christopher” only exists as a notion of the difference between who you have been and who you wish you have been.

Letting the pieces crumble is really beneficial for a few reasons. First, as you accept how all of us are born fundamentally ignorant of how to work with our mind and body, “mistakes”… or times when we act unskillfully because of delusion or painful emotion simply evaporate. Oooops, so what, we all do/have done the exact same thing as you, learning and struggling, waking to how to work and what to do next. Second, instead of seeking the idealized you, you can look at what was really there. “OK, so I was afraid that what I wanted to say would be rejected, so I was deceptive.” From that vantage, we can pull apart the cycles we have been stuck in by acting differently.

One of the Buddhist teachers said that we have tons of “selfs” inside our mind. Most of them lead to ensnarement in patterns of suffering. When we follow the eight fold path, it is like using the voice of self that clings to a raft which crosses the river, or clings to the door of the cage. After awhile, the door opens and we can step through, where we live and breathe from a heartfelt spontaneous vibration… or “living our dharma”. Then this notion of “who am I” just doesn’t arise in the mind… and neither does regret or confusion or whatever the patterns of behavior that lead to the veils and masks you donned, which left you feeling false and uncomfortable. He described that as “leaving no footprints in the mind.”

Namaste, brother!

With warmth,
Matt