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MattParticipantKadija,
There’s no need to beat yourself up for falling into an unhealthy relationship. Buddha taught that when we are born, we have a fundamental ignorance on how to find balance, peace and health. We only have a few basic instincts, and the rest we have to learn. Most of our difficulties come from our parents and teachers, who learned it from their parents and teachers etc. This doesn’t make you a bad person, just an ignorant one… which is normal and unavoidable. Its actually very freeing to throw our hands in the air and say “what the heck is going on here?!?” because it naturally opens up our mind to change.
If you take stock: You’re letting yourself get walked over by a doofus. His manipulation has dug deep enough that you even think its something wrong with you. Because you’ve let someone walk over you in such a way, there must be some pattern in your “life strategy” that needs addressing. OK, easy enough. The information is enough… the additional “I am such a dummy for this” or “there is something wrong with me” or “what a needy person I must be”… etc etc etc… its all garbage, unneeded, toss it out.
Our ignorance is fundamental, but also impermanent. Said differently, your problem has a solution, and it will help a lot… because now that you’ve seen how painful it is the other way, hopefully you’ll jump swiftly into a new technique. That’s really all that is needed to find our way… the courage to grow and change. And you have it, so huzzah! Pia Mellody’s book (I think) has the strategy you’re needing. Dive in, check it out, and be patient! You’ve had many years in the old pattern, so it will take time to shift. One of the most important things to give to yourself is gentle patience. Think of how you taught your son to walk… it wasn’t “dumb boy, why do you stumble”… it was gentle and encouraging. Now its your turn, dear sister. Hold your hand gently and remind the inner child how it feels to be tenderly nurtured by a loving mother. That’s who you are, its in your nature. As you stop sending that nurturing to someone (ex) who doesn’t give it back, and instead turn that attention inward, it won’t be long until you feel the love and light again. Namaste.
With warmth
MattMattParticipantKayla,
I’m sorry for the spinning, and hope you find peace soon. Consider reading “Facing Codependence” by Pia Mellody. Her book might help you find healthy ways of caring for yourself, which to me seems at the heart of your difficulties. The spinning in circles seems to be a symptom of that. For instance, sometimes when we have a nutrient imbalance, we remain hungry all the time. Its not that the body “just needs food” but it needs a specific type of food that its not getting. In your case, it seems that the food your body needs is loving kindness… which develops as we act in a way that is gentle and caring to our mind and body.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantKadija,
I’m so sorry for the self doubt and despair you’re experiencing, and can understand how painful those feelings are. Sometimes we invest so much of ourselves into our relationships that we forget to invest in us. To be frank, it sounds like you are in a relationship with a narcissistic man. You’ve come to the plate and offered all of yourself, and what he offers is just enough to keep you caring for him.
Relationships can be so much better than that. Consider picking up a copy of Pia Mellody’s book “Facing Codependence”. I think you might really benefit from reading her skillful and heartfelt words. Especially if the man you’re with now is similar to men you’ve been with in the past… you may be ready to move on and enjoy a relationship with someone who gives back.
One of the main messages of the book has to do with understanding boundaries. What they are, why they are critical for relationships, and what happens when we don’t use them. Most of what you describe sounds to me like you’re making his actions about you. As though there is something faulty inside you that creates the conditions of your relationship. That is partially true, but from the way you describe it, your fault is only in not putting your boot fully into his bottom and getting him out of your life.
Consider for a moment that he doesn’t actually care about you. If someone would give him a robot, without feeling or desire, that would cook and clean and pay his bills… I think you’d be out of a job. I mean this with deep respect, sister, and only wish to see you free from such a draining and thoughtless partner. Said differently, his previous wife was batter because she cared for him better. Doesn’t that raise some big red flags? That perhaps he is self involved to the point of only seeing what you give him and not you?
The question becomes, what has happened to the inner Kadija, the sparkly goddess whose happiness and laughter spread joy to herself and everyone around her? Aside from the leech of a man sucking your joy, there must be a break in your self esteem that would lead you to subject yourself to such abuse. Pia Mellody addresses some of that.
Consider spending some time self nurturing. Perhaps take a bubble bath, go for a walk in nature, spend some time with your long neglected hobbies, stand in front of a mirror and call to the inner child and ask her to play, go buy yourself some flirty underwear, listen to soft music, start some meditation practice… any activities where you do it for you. Remind your body and mind that you know how to be kind and gentle with it, and that you matter. Consider that because you’ve been hearing from your partner(s) that you don’t matter, which is because of their selfishness, that its up to you to show your body and mind that you do matter. As we self nurture, the energy comes back, and we help our body become happy again.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantBranka,
I think you took the metaphor of the doctor in a direction I did not intend. The doctor is the knowledge of what to do, the meds the skills. The growth happens from the wisdom that arises as we move through experiences with awareness. For example, we might know it is good to eat healthy. We know what eating healthy looks like. Wisdom is the stability of mind that allows us to set aside the small joy (sense pleasure of eating) for the larger joy (buoyancy of a healthy body)… which develops over time and looking at what is there. Said differently, it is in being mindful of the way our choices produce results that stabilizes our growth… skills and knowledge stay unused otherwise.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantJohn,
Yes, the good old aversion to unpleasantness and craving for pleasantness. Be patient, as your practice continues, there is a joyous humor that arises alongside the rising and fading away of phenomena. Said differently, as we learn to breathe in the peacefulness directly, its not that we turn away from joy, its just that we say “oh, the heart is hungry” and feed it better food. Rather than engaging the ripples as some type of path or solution. If you think about it, how do you dissipate the ripples in a pond? Tossing things/actions at it?
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantGumdrops,
When you asked for help in expressing yourself, I felt an image of an upward turned hand catching a ball, looking at it, then compromising or setting it down. For instance “A bikini car wash might produce some extra revenue for prom (catch), but my concern is it would sexualize the boys and girls in bikinis, which doesn’t feel right (setting it down)”. Or “I hear the concern that chips arent as healthy as carrots (catch) and wonder if we could get whole wheat chips instead (compromise)”. Often it doesn’t matter if you adopt or reject the ideas, but that you make sure you say to the person who spoke them that the ideas are being genuinely examined for merit, and whatever you find valuable in the idea is reflected back. A simple “nope” might appear that you see no value at all.
When I ran an art studio, I often had to give artists what I referred to as a “shit sandwich”. Positive-negative-positive. Something you like, something that needs fixing, something you like.
Good luck!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantHLWS,
I can understand the difficulty of recognizing you’re in a much different place than your husband. Consider that when we first begin to develop self love, it is like a gentle flame that easily whisks out at a slight breeze. When we continue working on ourselves anyway, that flame comes back. The more consistently we meditate, self nurture, smile in the mirror and so on, the stronger that flame becomes.
My teacher said that the journey is a practice. It is like muscle building, where on the cushion we find peace, and as we get off the cushion… well that’s when the practice really begins. At first it is only for a few breaths, then a few minutes, then hours. Be patient with yourself, it takes time to grow the garden you’re tending.
The reason I lay that foundation first, is because the husband carries with him karma. Both in his actions in the present moment, such as outbursts and ignorance and so forth, but also in your mind. The previous moments you’ve had with him are like a gravity, like a routine. When he is there, so is the routine. At this early of a growth, when the tender shoots of compassion are just breaking the surface, it is difficult to say what is him and what is you. His “negativity” might be pulling you in, or it might be your unskillful habits of responding to his energy. Either way, diving into the “what if”s and “what should I do”s right now isn’t good. Consider trying to relate to “what is here”. What about the exchange is closing your heart? Are you afraid to pour your love toward him? Is he saying things that step on your courage? Is he disinterested?
Consider that as we open our hearts, the light it sheds naturally helps those we love begin to blossom as well. Said differently, once your compassion deepens, you can look into his eyes, and through them, and then potentially present to him a loving call which will lead him home to you. This won’t happen if you’re trying to manipulate him into growing so you are more happy… it happens when your happiness is so abundant it pours. It takes time, though, and with time will come more courage.
That being said, intimacy does not need to be an endurance trial. If your heart doesn’t wish to connect, that’s fine too… its your journey, and your path to joy is between you and your heart. Just be patient with your own growth, because often when we have the strength and courage to open up to our partners, they open back, and the fruits of that are worth the wait.
Consider also that we can share our experiences without telling others what to do. “I did this, and felt so great.” Rather than “I did this, and you should too so we can fix you.” Growth happens from the sharing of love and light, not trying to pull a flower open. That just leaves petals on the ground, and the potential shredded. Namaste, I hope you find a deepening of wisdom, light, and love.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantJohn,
Perhaps you have a difficult time liking yourself. When we are in a habit of ignoring our needs, there is a disruption in the trust we have for ourselves. So the mind chimes in as a protector and critic… comparing your actions to some ideal vision of yourself. That vision will never be and has never been. What is John but a constantly evolving momentum of shifting thoughts and emotions?
For instance, you say something, and immediately fear what was said. That fear takes the shape of producing some consequence… either internal “is that really me” or external “how will that be heard”. When we take the time to self nurture, we can be confident that it doesn’t matter. We say what we feel and think, and imperfectly, and if and when miscommunication happens we do our best to respond with how we think and feel. In the absence of self nurturing, we don’t have the confidence that whatever arises we’ll work through, and so we try to avoid/fear things that might produce imperfect results.
Consider that the voice which questions everything you do and say doesn’t care about you… it is empty of wisdom or warmth, and its only job is sustaining self doubt. Said differently, a mechanism of fear->self doubt is a cycle that sustains itself, it has nothing to offer you. A gnat buzzing in the mind that pulls your attention away from what is.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantAJ,
I’m sorry for the many abuses you’ve been through, and my heart goes out to you. I can understand the need to know the reasons why, and grapple with the notion “did I choose this?” and “do I somehow deserve this?” The answers that draw on previous lives aren’t as helpful as the ones which draw on this life. For many, childhood shapes their view of the world, including expectations and reactions. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Your dad sounds like a deeply troubled being. As he abused you and your siblings, he was pushing and pressing his troubled views into his kids. Think of it like forcing you to become the shape of a piece in his puzzle. He found himself seeing darkness everywhere, which was a projection of his own unresolved troubles, and excused it as acting godly. That makes me a little nauseous frankly.
As he burned your ponies for instance, along side the “my ponies!” there was perhaps an emotion of “fatherly/male love looks like this”. As that happened over and over, your heart and mind took on the complimentary shape. Even as you consciously reject the evil quality of the ponies, the connection between male protection and love and abuse was made.
Perhaps this is part of what drives you to connect with people who fit your piece of the puzzle. Your question of “why am I shaped this way” seems obviously because of your odd father. Looking to a past life is perhaps because it is uncomfortable to say “my dad is a friggen asshole, and did terrible things to me I did not deserve, and was not love”. That your husband is beginning to act in the same way is troubling, and if I were in your shoes I would get that behavior out of my life ASAP. Perhaps you and he could go to couples therapy (nonreligious) and see if you can work out some communication and boundaries. If not, then perhaps its time to move on.
What would you like your life to be like? Imagine for a moment that perhaps the lesson of coming from such a past is to learn to take control, grab some scissors and reshape your piece of the puzzle in the way your heart wants. What would you like to be? Whatever your answer is, that is the divine path inside you, the way to find your joy. We can help, but maybe its time to look forward for answers instead of back.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantNK,
I agree with Buddhist Wife that the alcohol might be a great place to start. Are you considering cutting back or quitting? Have you looked into any programs? How often do you drink? Daily? Weekends?
Sometimes when we self medicate with alcohol, for emotional, physical and psychological pains, things become cloudy and more difficult. Buddha taught that intoxication creates mindlessness. Said differently, it may be that some of the difficulties you are experiencing are from your mind not having the stability (mindfulness) to approach problems that might otherwise be simpler.
Don’t despair, there is always a path to joy. The TB community can try to help, but the reigns are in your hands. Namaste, sister!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantCaron,
Without knowing more details about the lies, the conditions of the break, and where he is, it is difficult to answer your questions. Consider that relationships are built on trust, and even though you have a rational reason for why trust was difficult for you to honor, he may or may not forgive you. If you want to talk to him, give it a shot. Be prepared for rejection or blame, or for him not to accept your “excuses”. That’s between him and his heart.
Have you started a treatment for the bipolarism? Sometimes if you are given meds, they take a few weeks to take effect. You may wish to stabilize prior to trying to communicate, but its up to you.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantGumdrops,
There is a spectrum. If people are calling you cocky, perhaps you are not taking time to consider their views important. You say you “think you are right”, but do you give careful consideration of their views? Do you spend time researching or getting other perspectives on their concerns? You sound over confident to me, perhaps considering yourself more wise and clear seeing than you are. Even the tone of your message says “What is wrong with everyone around me, I’m of course correct and perfect, my parents agree with me.” Perhaps your parents aren’t the best ones to talk to about it, because often patterns are passed from parent to child, and you three may be too alike to provide real growth. Consider asking someone who calls you cocky to go into more detail about what they are seeing, and listen deeply to their responses.
Leaders are not meant to take charge and make the world according to their vision. That’s what dictators do. Good leaders consider all of the people under their charge, and attempt to find a path that is compromise, co-creative, and supportive of as many people as possible. Said differently, a good leader inspires people to become better versions of themselves, growing and blooming. A poor one commands others to paint the world in her way, and steps on creativity by cutting/ignoring/invalidating others’ opinions.
This isn’t having “no stand” but rather recognizing that a leader is a servant of the people she leads.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantSpana,
Sometimes when we come to point of panic and despair, it is more than we can handle on our own. There is no shame in that! Consider praying. “I give this all back, this pain and confusion, please help me.” Let go, surrender. Stop trying to make sapna what she isn’t, and accept where you are. Your hatred of self is hating the divine, and doesn’t fit, doesn’t belong. Stop.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantBritt,
You ask some really great questions, and I appreciate the skillfulness with which you capture your confusion into words. Breakups are difficult, and produce a grief that takes time and continued self nurturing in order to heal. Don’t despair, you’re healing, and there is always a path to joy.
Sometimes when we are in emotional pain, we get the false sense that this is just “who we are now”. So we start scrambling for ways to understand, diagnose and repair ourselves. As though we are at fault for our emotions, and so we desperately try to change. This can help distract us from the pain, but doesn’t really help it very much. You sound as though you are grieving, which is emotionally turbulent. There is self blame, fear, anger, regret… a huge plate full of difficult emotions. Those emotions color the view of the world around you. For instance, in your grief, when you notice the separation between yourself and a stranger, your regret reflects back at you as a feeling of being unlovable and forever alone. That is just grief, dear sister, and heals over time.
The solution is really to just accept that right now there is grief, right now there is pain, and stay alert in the present moment. You ask some big questions that make total sense, but they are also better left alone until the grieving subsides. For example, you have confusion about the pain, its causes, and how to heal. This confusion can easily propel the mind to ask “who am I? Is the universe trying to punish me? Is this a big lesson? Why am I so broken?” Those questions need no answer, they unfold with time and healing. They’re good, because they tell you that you’re alive, but the answers won’t really provide the relief you’re looking for.
Instead, perhaps consider being patient with yourself. Britt is bold, beautiful, and caring… and also, in this moment, filled with grief. Its like looking in the mirror with a mask on. There is a beautiful woman standing right there, but as you look at yourself, it is through a veil of painful feelings. So you don’t really see you, you see the mask… and say “who is that?” If you can accept that there is beauty and pain in your self-vision, then “fixing the errors in self” can take an obvious back seat to “caring for the girl in pain”. Slowly, patiently, the hurt of the past settles as we continue caring for our body and mind. Then many of the questions we’ve been asking answer themselves… because as we care for ourselves, the heart becomes strong again, and leads us home. Did I mention being patient?
Consider it like this: if you broke your ankle, would you be pissed at your body for not healing after two weeks? That in two weeks you say to yourself “every time I try to run, I feel pain and limp… what is wrong with me? Why is my ankle so stupid? Is my body just broken from now on? No one else is limping, they must see my limp and think I’m stupid and broken! What is wrong with me that I would break my ankle, I must not love myself. Is the universe punishing me for being such a bitch? I hate this dumb body.” Etc. Something tells me that you would not do those things, but would be gentle, stay off it, put a cast on it, and give it the time it needs to knit. Because the emotional body is less understood, and less tangible than a bone in the leg, it is often overlooked as a real wound.
So, stay off the ankle for awhile and just let yourself heal. Said differently, don’t seek the causes of who and why and what, just self nurture. Do nice things for your heart, feed it special fuel such as soft music, laughter, bubble baths, meditation, walking in nature, creating or viewing art, and so on. You can figure out who you are along the way… as you notice what actions fuel your happiness, and which drain it.
Patience, Britt. The feeling of “lost” and “unhappy” will settle… its all part of the game of love. You’re not a misfit, that part actually made me smile. You’re human, and do human things like feel pain… and just because others don’t appear to be limping doesn’t make you a misfit, it is just you limping. Time and space, sister, is often the greatest gift we can give ourselves. Well, time, space and chocolate chip cookies. Yum!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantSassy,
What makes his financial instability your concern? Said differently, perhaps put down the checklist and just let yourself go play. Stay true and honest, and let the future bloom.
Congrats on a soulful connection! Those are awesome, wherever they lead. Beware of wanting to go faster because of his interest in you, other than that, the only difference between stuck and free in inside your head and heart. Your story, your rules. Namaste.
With warmth,
Matt -
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 