*hugs*

Kellie,

I’m sorry for the fear that lingers, and know how difficult and paralyzing it can be. Its normal, usual and makes sense. The great news is there is always a path to joy, always an emotional and/or mental energy we can bring to bear upon our past wounds, and let them heal. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, be patient with yourself. Because of the history of abuses you’ve endured (and amazingly might I add!) there is a natural tendency to close down a little. Like we put on armor before battle, we close the doors of our heart in order to avoid the painfulness of being vulnerable in fiery situations. This is a natural defense, and is fine and usual.

But when we spend a lot of time in abusive situations, we confuse the armor for ourselves and forget what it feels like to take it off. We forget what it feels like to fly free and unencumbered, what it feels like to be safe. So even when we are safe, we project potential danger around us… jumping at shadows, interpreting loving words poorly, seeing danger where there is none.

Healing this requires patience and understanding. We know what the armor feels like (labelled here as “not trusting”) when we are wearing it, and what it feels like to take it off. Then, slowly, consciously and courageously we take it off when we’re ready. When we have loving partners it is even more simple. We can just submit to them where we really are. “My love, I am feeling jealous, will you help me let it go? Remind me of our song?” or “My love, I am feeling scared you don’t see the beauty in me, will you remind me what you see?” This surrender naturally opens us to let go of the armor, to step back into the heart and feel the warmth around us.

Then it is quite a simple thing to remain safe. If it feels painful and twisted, step away. If it doesn’t, don’t. The heart gains wisdom and skillfulness as we continue to connect to it and live from it. You know what being abused looks like, so of course you won’t stand that for long! Not if you’re looking and listening to the wisdom you’ve gained!

One of my teachers said that when the wind blows strong, it seems to bite into our skin. What we begin to see is that the wind is only wind, and it is the armor that bites our skin. As we shed it, slowly, patiently… we see how the wind on our bare skin is deeply nourishing, and the flower of our heart blooms. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Helene,

Its great that you’re striving toward the light, as you said, and working toward understanding. Sometimes people don’t feel comfortable enough to say that they need some space, and simply take it. Operation or not, hand recovering or not, her actions indicate that she wants to pause on the connection that you two have. As you reach for light, perhaps you can see that people need space to grow, and whatever the conditions are in her life, letting her have the space is good to do.

Instead, however, you’re making this about you. “How could she do this to me?” This is understandable, and I’m sorry your feelings have been hurt. It would be wonderful if people were all strong and settled enough to be upfront with boundaries… but often times we are not, and communicate them unskillfully.

This is an important lesson for people who dedicate themselves to a path of love. We can’t just love who we think they are, or who we wish them to be… as we learn to love what is, other people’s behaviors don’t challenge our peacefulness. Said differently, can you see how the interruption of your warm feelings for her is unnecessary? That if she needed some space, you want her to have it? Even if her trying to get some space was unskillfully approached?

Consider doing some metta practice (many great “guided metta meditation” videos on YouTube). The reason we give warm feelings to even those who act oddly toward us is to free our own mind from agitation. If you can open your heart and wish well to your friend, no matter her decisions and actions, then you’ll be one step closer to unconditional love. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Jane,

I’m sorry for the painfulness you’re experiencing, and I think you’re great for dedicating such energy to the well being of living creatures. That you’re seeking to restore your own balance, your own peace of mind… its not selfish, its needed. There is a balance that we have to find between become stable and yet not burying our head in the sand. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that perhaps what you’re experiencing isn’t compassion, but empathy. Empathy is the emotional vibration of painfulness or pleasantness that arises inside us as we watch the emotional states of others. Its is good to have a strong empathy, but it is also important to have boundaries.

Compassion looks and feels a little different. As you watch a company and person skin an animal for instance, compassion arises as you recognize that the actions are producing suffering for all. The person skinning is generating karma from his ignorance, as he or she blinds the empathic eye to be able to do such a thing. The animal suffers from the confusion and panic arising along side the painfulness. The people who eat the meat of the animal help fund and institutionalize the process. Compassion is the well rooted sense that investing our energy in such enterprises just doesn’t make sense, and is well balanced for all beings involved with the actions. When empathy is stronger than compassion, sometimes we can over extend our focus onto the direct physical painfulness, such as the skinning, and produce pity. Pity is not helpful.

It sounds to me that you’re experiencing emotional fatigue, perhaps even burnout. Its good that you wish to press into the bowels of the world and help right wrongs. However, it is more important, or at least equally important, to grow your peacefulness deeply. Your experience with tonglen is a great example of why. As you breathed in the suffering of the animals, ideally the breath collides with the crystal web of warmth inside your chest and evaporates, and your out breath carries with it love and peacefulness. However, for you it seems as though it “stuck” inside, like mud being thrown on a white shirt… until it grew heavy.

I highly suggest that you move toward a metta practice, and stop watching videos of animals being tortured. Perhaps if you become complacent and lazy, watching a video will rekindle your motivation to help humanity shed such practices. If you already have that motivation, then what benefit does entertaining yourself in such a way provide you? Isn’t the suffering of the skinner and skinned enough? You’ve noticed that your voyeurism is producing even more pain for the world in the retching within your heart… its OK to do something else with your time.

Its not selfish to do so, its wise. Consider the net energy balance of the world. As you turn away from the videos, your body will become warm again, flowing with love and light. This increases the amount of love and light in the world, which helps move you and all who empathize with you toward joy. If you spend time absorbing and watching painfulness, your body is suicidal and depressed, which doesn’t help you or those around you find peace. This is why respecting suffering and yet having wise boundaries is so important.

For instance, say we see someone with a broken ankle. We can sit down and stare at it, really feeling the painfulness and brokenness of the ankle. Our heart focuses so intently that we begin to feel our own ankle hurting. Now, instead of one ankle being unprepared to carry the weight, there are two. Where you could have been someone to lean on for support, now you and the other need supporting! Now, the ankle has to be tended by four beings instead of two! The one broken, the one to support her, you, and the one needed to support you.

The shift toward metta is what allows our heart to become resilient. I would say that it increases compassion, but not directly. It increases our inner warmth, and smooths out our mind. We become free from greed, hatred, and aversion. Metta is more about kindness, friendship. Being able to work with others in a way that is mutually nourishing and respectful… knowing that that is how the world moves toward joy. Not through hate and judgment, but through peace and understanding. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Sapna,

Perhaps you could recognize wandering thoughts as wandering thoughts? Do you understand you don’t need wandering thoughts? Its just the nature of mind to wander away, like an untrained horse. It floats away, its normal, and we can gently return to our sense organs, our breath, our cooking, the speaker, etc.

With warmth,
Matt

Mariposa,

I’m glad you’re on the road to recovery from a difficult past. Consider that the time you spent in unhealthy patterns was long (27 years?) and the healing is perhaps still happening. Did you happen to speak about possible codependency in therapy? There are some great books out there if you haven’t already read them.

One of my teachers said jovially “If a codependent and an addict were in a crowded baseball game on opposite sides in the stands, they will somehow meet each other by the third inning, be in love by the fourth, and married by the seventh.” I think you dodged a bullet in slowing down and stepping back. Especially considering that he proffered his love two weeks before having moved on to a new woman. Consider that perhaps instead of moving to a place of self nurturing (which is the needed healing for both addiction and codependency) your ex is now just “love hopping”. Said differently, the sparkle of newness in a connection might have replaced his other object of addiction. That type of connection bursts with fire initially and becomes stale and icky quickly.

How are your patterns of self nurturing coming along? Do you have gentle time to yourself where you do nice things for you? Have you maintained some momentum on your hobbies? Consider what you might be experiencing is withdrawal from the drama of connecting to an addict. Movies and books talk about love at first sight, and they do us a great injustice. Passion and sexual attraction can happen immediately, but genuine lasting love takes more time than you had together before it arises. You hardly knew each other! I mean this respectfully, but as you are inconsolable, perhaps a reality check will be helpful.

Congrats on working at Google. It sounds as though you’re really moving your life in a positive direction! Keep the momentum!

With warmth,
Matt

The,

There are many components to your question, and it seems like part of what you’re struggling with is figuring out how to follow your heart. Its no wonder that you feel anxiety, your mind is beating you up the whole day. Imagine you had a monkey on your back smacking you in the head all day. Talk about a headache!

I recognize that you’re perceiving a split. On one hand, there is the job that has good conditions, decent environment, fortuitous returns on time spent. On the other, you have a desire inside which is trying to help you awaken to a deeper nature. This makes sense to me, and preludes rebirth. Said differently, perhaps the vibrations you feel are like birthing contractions. Neither mom nor baby can rush it, it is a function of nature and unfolds as it needs to.

Perhaps consider that your awakening isn’t something which happens outside the job, but the job is a factor in it. For instance, imagine a man who loves a woman, and wishes to make love to her, join her in a sacred union of hearts. Then, she takes off her robe and happens to be wearing red undergarments instead of white, and in his dream they were white. Suddenly, the intimacy with the woman dismantles and the sacred moment is lost as she is rejected for not “being right”. This is what I see happening in your journey right now. You were passed a boon by nature, and feel hate for it… as though it is not good enough.

Consider a different and radical approach. Consider accepting that the job you have is exactly where you need to be to learn what you need to learn. Then, look at how your mind is violent against a loving backdrop. Said differently, as you let go of the need for a bigger dream, the joy that is staring you in the face reveals itself. Then, there is no struggle, only gratitude.

My teacher described it as “old boss, just like the new boss”. Or said differently, even if you quit, the restlessness will follow you. How blessed are you to have a situation where you can see that the aggression in your mind is happening from your side! That you paint these incredibly dissatisfying strokes upon an otherwise nurturing canvas!

If you’re with me this far, consider two more ideas. First, the solution to our puzzles are not in the external, such as finding just the right conditions (“job in alignment” or “better fitting job to my higher purpose”) rather it is in relating to any conditions in a loving way. To do this, we stop hoping the outside will give us the peace we seek, and we cultivate it inside us. Have you been keeping up the meditation practice from the spiritual retreat? Do you cultivate metta? Those are the keys, no matter what job you’re in.

Second, the lack of motivation is perhaps from too much “me” focus. My teacher said that generosity is the cause of joy, and as we fall into patterns of restlessness and tastelessness, often looking for ways to help the growth around us will revitalize the vibrancy. For instance, perhaps volunteering at a soup kitchen. Listen for a coworker in distress and give aid. Even putting a little money in one of those “in need” canisters. Use what power you have for the benefit of others. It makes a huge difference.

Then, as you strengthen your heart, the disturbance settles. This job or new job, here or there… the heart will lead you from stone to stone across the river. Namaste, friend.

With warmth,
Matt