John,

I used to be troubled by the same thing, and as I continued to practice they eroded. Consider that when you’re sleeping, you’re not distracted by your senses, and experience the raw state of your mind more directly. That raw state has been fed and bloated by years of delusion, of self criticism and poor self nurturing habits. As you move toward mindfulness and health, the difference is much more noticeable. Your mind now intentionally moves toward joy, which will erode the underlayment of unease.

If you’ve started a metta practice, that knot of painful karma in the subconscious erodes quickly. Don’t bother giving it more gravity than it already has, it is only baggage, meaningless in and of itself, and you’re already taking the steps necessary for its uprooting. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Dearest friends,

I’m so sorry for the self criticism you’re experiencing as you go through various comparisons… either between yourself and others, between who you are now and who you were then, or between what you’ve done and what you wished you did. Don’t despair, there is always a path to joy, and I wish for a moment you could see what I see. You remind me of my wife in some ways.

She is astoundingly beautiful. As a girl, she grew up in a corrosive environment, with parents that pushed and pulled her in lots of icky ways. Her mom made her drop out of school to pay for their bills, would take her paycheck, then kick her out of the house. Her mom also would come to her work and make a scene to try to get her fired. Her dad was a religious zealot, and forced her to see herself as sinful and unworthy of love. This is only the tip, but what she went through was intense and closed down her heart’s connection to the world. This sweet innocent child had her joyful spirit covered with layers of muck until she was disoriented and disbelieving that she would ever find peace, ever find love. She had a couple abusive relationships before we stumbled into each other, and had sworn off romance.

When she looked in the mirror, she would see something much different than what I saw. She would focus on every wrinkle and roll, every mistake she made, and her self esteem eroded quickly. Then, even though I sat in appreciation of the beauty she is, she wouldn’t find the same self beauty. When I see her, I do see those things that she sees, they just mean different things to me. I see the wrinkles, but those are just time’s way of saying hello. I see the pudgy spots, but those are just the leftover baggage from her looking for peace and joy in various foods. I see the mistakes, but every being on earth is perfectly imperfect, trying to find balance and joy… sometimes failing, sometimes succeeding.

So, without those impediments to my vision of her, I see the sweet, tender, intelligent, caring, dorky, beauty that she really is. That she has burden is OK, its unavoidable for all of us. As we’ve grown closer through the years, she has naturally stopped comparing herself to who she was or how she acted before, and steps courageously forward. The weight melts off. The minor deceptions and hiding ceased. The self criticism eroded. There’s just no need for it anymore.

We all carry around a part of ourselves we don’t like, or ignore, and it really is ok. Its natural… its a leftover from the imperfect teachings we have either from our parents teaching us their way of being (for good or ill) and teachers and their teachers and parents. Its ok to fail, and the criticism that comes along beside the failure only obscures the truth. The affair, for instance, was trying to find a balance, fulfill a need that is unmet. Sure, it was unskillful and left a sour taste, and that’s good, because it motivates toward a healthy alternative.

The comparisons settle as we come to understand our unique beauty. This isn’t just a platitude or hoping, it forms from a radical self realization. The path we’re on holds with it the keys to our joy. We knit together with a specific and well planned balance of needs, abilities and desires. Those have been shaped and molded through the experiences we’ve had, and every bit of it matters. Every bit of fat, every spinning mental cycle, every nook and crumb is part of the energy that moves us onward and upward, spiraling toward our path of joy. Our mistakes are painful and push us to learn. Our needs call to us, demanding fulfillment. Our heart yearns and stretches as we try to find joy and balance. Its ok, dear friends, we’re strong enough and wise enough to eat the meal in front of us. If something doesn’t taste right, throw it out, sure, and look to see why it was in the meal in the first place. Its in there for a reason, and as we learn more about who we are, and how to love ourselves and others, our experiences become more and more nourishing and vibrant.

This is both our destiny and birthright, and yet because the unique place in space and time that we represent is unknown, growing, of course we will slip a bazillion times along the way. But we get up, brush off, and keep walking. We’re learning. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Sajal,

Sometimes our faith can make us blind. For instance, have spent the time and effort it takes to properly discern Moshka from Maya? Do you assume you know the difference? It seems that if you were in alignment, the sense of isolating solitude would be absent. Said differently, perhaps the illusion of Maya arises in your mind and prevents you from connecting to the divinity all around you.

Choyagm Trungpa has a great book called “Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism” which can help erode the quality of superiority and distance you feel for others. Its from a different tradition than your own, but it may be a great help within your own. After all, you’re unintentionally judging aspects of Moshka, which is like pushing all of the food you’re being offered by the divine and then complaining you’re hungry. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

TheAwakening,

I’m sorry for the painfulness and unstable emotions you’re experiencing. From what you describe, I would say you might be a bit energetically top heavy. Said differently, sometimes if our third eye chakra is wide open (seeing deeply into reality) but our root chakra is not open (grounding our experiences) then we can become like a pressure cooker. Imagine what the lower belly goes through when we are constipated. Every poke and prod is incredibly painful, and it seems that our skin is overly sensitive.

To see if this is perhaps what you’re experiencing, you could do a few things. You could grab some hematite or black tourmaline and sit quietly for 15 minutes and see if the “sense of unease” lessens. Or, you could go take a walk in nature barefoot, and if by old trees, all the better. Or, you could also go meet with a yoga teacher, and ask them to help get your energy into balance. Finally, you could practice metta meditation, which helps us let go of the mental agitation that leads to the craving/aversion cycle that disrupts the stability of our root.

I’ve seen this most often with people who come to awareness with intense stimulation, such as hallucinogens or kundelini release. Also in some folks who have done a lot of reading and contemplating the nature of reality, without a lot of practice in putting those ideas into action.

With warmth,
Matt

Aiman,

Self nurturing is one of the main keys to effective helping and living. It means caring for ourselves, giving our loving attention and wisdom to our own needs. This is not selfish, its critical. One of my teachers described it in the following metaphor.

When we go onto an airplane, the stewardess tells us “in the case of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will come down. Make sure to put on your own mask first, before helping others.” They do this because they are wise. If we panic and try to help our children first, it is very possible that we will run out of air, then both we and our children will need help. If we secure our mask first, then we can help others from a stable place.

This is the root of authentic confidence and why we self nourish first. It allows us to be stable, so that helping others isn’t because we are in need. For instance, if we are feeling cruddy, we might try to live vicariously through other people’s growth. Said differently, if we give from a place of lack, then if the other does not give back, we can become angry, depressed, craving. Self nurturing solves this riddle.

Its like how a tree digging its roots deep into the soil allows it to remain stable in the wind. We get into the habit of comforting and filling our heart for ourselves, then we are much more resilient to outside pressures. If you feel self pity, it is perhaps an emotional hunger that you don’t know how to feed. Our body feels hunger and we give it food. Our heart feels hungry, and we self nurture. Does that make more sense?

In this context, the quote you gave ties in. As you become more confident that you can nurture yourself, your sense of value stops getting intertwined with the gifts you give.

With warmth,
Matt

Aiman,

I’m sorry for the struggles you’re going through, and hope you find some peace of mind. It is normal and usual to get our sense of identity to get wrapped up in helping others, as we become joyous as we reach out to hearts in need. The worry you’re experiencing usually arises when we feel pride in our gift giving, which arises when we have an underlying feeling of “less than”. Said differently, when we have a low self esteem, a general feeling of shame, we reach out and try to prove we are good people through generous giving. As the gift is well received, we think “yes, look at what I did.”. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

We are all born with a fundamental ignorance on how to find harmony and balance within ourselves and our environment. We get a few sparse instincts, and the rest we have to learn. This means that mistakes are necessary, inevitable, and are part of the process of development. We do our best to learn and to teach, and keep growing with each breath. When we encounter someone who is struggling, our gift to them doesn’t really have anything to do with us. We are only a prism of forces in that moment…. the lessons and memories from our teachers and experiences, meeting up with the tangle of circumstances in front of us.

One way of visualizing this is the truth, the dharma is like a river. We are not the source of the river, it is a function of nature. We are like a bucket, which breathes in the river and pours it out where we feel it is needed, how we feel it is needed. All of the joy is in the pouring, not in the result. When we try to harvest joy from the result (such as other people growing or validating the richness of the water) then we spin into the cycle of pride and shame. If they grow or praise the pouring, we slip into pride. “Look what I did.” If they do not grow or criticize the pouring, we slip into shame. “Look at what I did.”

What’s great is that there is another way, which bypasses the whole cycle. We develop an authentic humility, which trades fragile self-esteem for authentic confidence. When we accept that our continued practice and dedication to mindfulness and compassion turn us into an effective bucket, clarify the gift we pour, then we are not surprised or afraid of the growth that happens. We just watch it. This prevents the joy we gained from the pouring from leaking out of our own bucket. Said differently, when we give only for the sake of giving, we feel great happiness from giving, no matter how the gift is received.

Which is good because who knows what will happen as another’s spirit is nourished. Hopefully they do find a greater peace than we, a deeper wisdom… that is the way of nature. Each generation, ideally, moves the torch of knowledge and awareness forward further… as their lessons and experiences meets up with new questions.

Staying anchored in this understanding allows our fears to naturally erode. Our joy is not from accomplishments, it is from the giving. Therefore, no matter how potently or not our students become at sharing their creative heart, it has nothing to do with us. We did our best to give our all, and the harvest of joy from that is more than enough to keep us nourished.

Another thing, do you spend time self nurturing? Do you spend time doing nice things for yourself, such as a metta practice, sitting meditation, taking baths, listening to soft music, going on walks in nature, and so forth? If you are under nourished in spirit, then giving to others becomes a source of food, which only reinforces the cycle mentioned above. Namaste, friend.

With warmth,
Matt

Bodhisatva,

Its OK to have aggressive thoughts toward others. When we have clinging to events, such as the opportunities you were frustrated that you didn’t get to take, its natural to be unsettled by them. As you continue to let go of the clinging, the jealous thoughts stop arising.

One of the qualities of a bodhisattva is equanimity. This is often visualized as a lighthouse shining on a shoreline. When the sea is calm and the night quiet, there it rests shining its light. When the sea is stormy and the night raging, there it rests shining its light. With only having a few months of intention behind your stability, it is very usual and natural to not be quite that consistently radiant. It doesn’t undermine the work you’ve been doing, they’re just thoughts. Try not to buy into them… they don’t have to define who you become, they are a result of who you were.

Do you do metta? Consider choosing one of the difficult people as your benefactor of metta, it will help with the mental agitation surrounding them. If you dont intentionally cultivate metta, consider trying! Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt