You don’t know her side, only assume it, and spending your energy in such a way doesn’t really help anything. Perhaps try to untangle your judgment and/or condemnation and there will be more peace available to you.

Kateleigh,

In contrast to John’s intuitive defensive posture and Edlin’s list of actions, what I see is a man who went through a troubling experience from his side. Perhaps what he is seeking is a validation of his difficulties and emotions while he was going through it. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

When we are in pain, such as your “baggage” you brought with you, we act and think selfishly. That’s normal and usual, and there’s no need to beat yourself up for it. Our pain is real, and it draws our attention. For instance, you had a real fear of harm, so you lied. To be honest would be to invite abuse in your past, and so in trying to protect your heart, you tried to paint a “safe” picture for him. Its very reasonable to do so, but is also not great for intimacy. Its said that the lie is worse than the trespass, and when we are actually safe, it is. Otherwise, we do what we need to do to be safe.

The problem is that neither of you had the space to see one another and love one another completely. You didn’t see the loving and supportive man, and he didn’t see the scared woman. This split in views caused erosion of intimacy. If one or both of you had been able to see through the walls, it would have been fine. But, from his side, it was very painful to be lied to and cheated on. That’s normal, most of us are not saints.

When his words of “making up for lost time” came across my heart, it felt like a hope for validation for his experiences. For instance, “I am sorry for what I did to you, will you forgive me?” might on the surface look like a just apology. However, it is still self-centric… all about you. Consider the difference “It must have been painful for you to go through that, and the fear you saw in me during our relationship didn’t fit your actions, you were great.” Can you see the way it remains centered on him and his experience? He is a real, autonomous man who went through a difficult time as he tried to relate to you. Now, that is his baggage… his confusion and unresolved moments.

That being said, you have no obligation to reach out to him in such a way. You and your karma are your business first and foremost. Him and his baggage are his business first and foremost, not yours. His experiences are not your fault. Even if he blames you for them, it is still not your fault. We all make mistakes. He saw a deceptive woman instead of a scared woman. His issue. You saw an abuser instead of a safe man. Your issue. We all have our hangups, and when we untangle our own, we honor those painful moments we shared with others, no matter where they came from. Then, gently, with growing skillfulness, we can reach out to others and try to help them find their peace and joy.

Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

John,

You continue to amaze me with your beauty and inquisitiveness. Its great that you have a strong empathy, and as you continue to grow your compassion, what to do with what you sense becomes more obvious. In this case, it sounds like you haven’t come to respect the teaching quality of suffering. For example:

When someone is anxious there is a fear present, either manifested in thoughts or just a general unknown discomfort. That’s just fear, we all feel fear. When you sense this, perhaps you are not net secure in your understanding of the impermanence of these feelings, as though if you don’t do something they will be stuck forever. So you become afraid of their fear. Whoops, second arrow! Perhaps then you are afraid that your fear will make you unskillful, that you will say something dumb or unhelpful. Whoops, third arrow!

Instead, we can just take a breath and open up the space. “You seem nervous, what’s up?” Let them unfurl the coil inside them, let it pass through. If the fear is justified, just sit with them. “Yeah, I can understand why that would be scary.” If the fear is because of you, be assuring. “Oh, I do that too, you’ll find no judgement here friend.” Or whatever comes to heart.

If you’re wrong, and its some other emotion, just flow with it. “Oh, anger? What happened?” Let the puss come out of the wound, don’t drink it, but give it attentive detachment and let it drain if you can. Your love is so strong and wise, brother, that your spontaneous unbound heartsong will naturally move toward healing, toward soothing. The trick is just to not try to cover the tension with laughter… if it seems right, give it space to unbind, invite it to relief, invite them home.

With warmth,
Matt

Ringoo,

Of course it is possible in theory, but it depends on you and your heart and mind, as well as them and their heart and mind. With it being such a short time since the romance ended, there may be some confusion that arises. If you can just accept that it may or may not be there, you’ll be less likely to get swept into the “what ifs” and “if onlys” etc. Good luck, I hope the coffee and company are pleasant.

With warmth,
Matt

Jonathan,

I’m sorry for the leftover baggage you carry from the past, and understand how tiring negative thoughts and feelings can be. Sometimes when we have unresolved conflicts, we feel as though there is important information being revealed in our thoughts, as though the maze that arises holds some key to our happiness. This isn’t really the case… sometimes it can be helpful to steer the mind toward our history, like unpacking a backpack of stones, but the negative thoughts are unneeded. They are normal and usual, but unneeded. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

When our fathers leave early, the force that we associate with the protector, the stabilizer can sometimes become jumbled. Daddy protected us from the harshness of nature, and in his absence, either mommy takes up the role or we adopt it for ourselves. When we try to become the protector role at a young age, we can develop an uncertainty, an insecurity. We know we are not ready to figure it all out, to keep us and our family safe, and yet there we are. So we begin developing protective elements inside us… try to brace ourselves for the harshness.

This is often the genesis of negative thought patterns. As we observe the unknown, we think “is that dangerous, how do I relate to that thing?” and begin to try to imagine the possible dangers that the object or person could bring. We engage in negative fantasy to try to protect and prepare ourselves for the potential outcomes.

That being said, it may or may not fit your scope and journey, but is an example. If you can see that, then you can perhaps see that, whatever your particular cause, it is not some inherent quality of your mind that has to be wrestled with. You’re not flawed or broken. Its just a habitual pattern, a series of neurons in the brain wired in such and such a way to respond in such and such a way to the phenomena around you.

Which is pretty awesome, no? It means something can be done to be free. When Buddha found his inner stability and peace, the great wheel of dharma began to turn as other people learned “that which has the qualities of arising has the qualities of ceasing”. Not inherent. Not eternal. Just a “cause” present that has an effect of binding the mind into patterns.

All that is great in theory, but we also have to apply it into our life for it to be anything other than a philosophical potential. This is where meditation comes in. The chanting is fine, and does do some positive things. Its brought more energy, increased the potency of the mind. However, perhaps consider doing metta and breath meditation. Chanting can sometimes be like putting a layer of paint on top of another, or covering a dirty table with a cloth. It doesn’t necessarily uproot the lumps, strip the wallpaper and paint. Perhaps the following will help:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

This is instruction and guidance, and I feel it will help a lot with what you are struggling with. Metta is incredibly wonderful. Listen close to the guided meditation, the guide explains all of it, so I won’t repeat what he says beautifully and timely.

Another thing that can help with the inner stability and peace is becoming self nurturing. Metta is one great nurturing activity, but you can supplement it with others. Go for walks in nature, turn off the TV/game system (ever watch your emotional responses to them?), take a bath, listen to soft music, create something artistic, go to a museum… do things that are nice to yourself, gentle, patient… actions which tell your body and mind that Jonathan is important, loved. This turns loneliness into aloneness. Loneliness, where we feel craving for another in order to feel that light and love, becomes aloneness, where we realize we have all the light we need inside us, and connecting to others becomes a sharing of abundance. Icing on the cake. Etc.

You don’t have to worry, friend and brother. There have been many people who have gone through similar pain, and come out the other side with stability and luminous mind. It takes time, but you are far more courageous than you think, and the steps you walk have been taken by almost all people who seek and find their path to joy. Namaste, may you find peace and light.

With warmth,
Matt

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LiveSimple,

It seems to me one of the main difficulties on your “con” list was a lack of validation, a missing dedication from his side. The closure happens when you accept that he was lacking that quality, and even at the end moments, lacked that quality. You put a lot of effort all throughout the union, from beginning to end, and he did not. So, is it surprising, really? You pour and pour your breakup reasons, and he gives a “fine, bye”. Just one more of the same pattern. His lack, not yours, move on.

It reminds me of a zen joke. A student comes up to a river and sees a master sitting on the other bank. She yells across the river “how do I get to the other side?” The master responds “you are on the other side!”

Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt