Raven,

In addition to the other kindly advice and metaphors, consider the one given to me by my teacher. The quiet space we approach and grow with meditation is much like a house. When a wind blows, it is very natural to run to the front door of our house and close it, pressing our body against the door to keep it shut. “Keeping thoughts away”. Then the wind rattles and blows open the windows, so we run over… And of course as soon as we step away from the door, it blows open. By the time we get up from the cushion, whew! Exhausted from staying on top of all that wind! Exhausted from throwing the tabs back over the wall!

To sidestep this cycle, instead of trying to push to door closed, we can go to the back door and open it up. Then, the wind passes right through, no biggie. Its just wind, after all. When we don’t do anything with our thoughts, just note them passing through space, they stop being so important. They’re empty, after all, just wind, air, fueled by old stories, attachments. The fuel is consumed, wind passes through, peace grows.

With warmth,
Matt

Paul,

Its OK to have some intensity, and the problem really isn’t scaring them off. Its in the feelings growing slower on their side can appear invalidating, discouraging. Consider approaching romance like you would a garden. You plant seeds, hoping they sprout, but temper that hope with patience. Things blossom in their own time, ya know?

Not too much water, such as “I miss you”, or the seeds drown. Not too much sun, such as “I want to build something lasting” or the ground gets scorched. In the middle, there is Paul the child-like explorer, accepting what is, but wishing patiently. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Alpal,

For resting with it, consider that the weight on your chest is your own light, surrounded by a film of goop. Rather than running, we can breathe, let the past go (see the present as it is), and the goop goes away.

From another direction, imagine a woman getting a blister on her hand. She looks at the blister, sees pain and agitation, and turns away from it, wrapping it in bandages, her hand becoming a source of pain. As the blister heals, she still feels the fear that her hand will hurt her, and so she keeps it wrapped up in bandages long after the wound has healed. To let the fear go, “resting with it” is looking at the hand, seeing what’s really there, and accepting it, unwrapping the bandages and flexing it a little.

Perhaps a cough, some weakness to be tended (as inky kindly suggested), but you’re feeling better, and that’s great! The heavy feeling is perhaps like a shiver from a few chilly moments behind you. Shake it off, friend, its passed! Today’s the day, so what do you wish to do next?

With warmth,
Matt

Pandapeach,

Consider spending a little time pre and post meditation with your hand over your heart saying/thinking/feeling “Light flows through me into the world.” Jealousy is often the cause of heart area flutters, and as inky noted, let that slide right past, unneeded.

As for the tears, do they feel cleansing or self pitying? The former is fine, normal… but if you’re wallowing, consider getting up, doing something else for awhile. Its better not to drink the tears so we can cry them again, instead, we can let them roll off our cheeks and be settled.

With warmth,
Matt

S,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how difficult it can be when we get stuck seeing lots of bad. Between your parents, the radical groups, ignorance, division… no wonder you’re left with some anxious feelings and visions! The good news is there is lots of good in the world, and in people, including you. To me, it seems like there is a lack of acceptance in your life, both offered to you from others, and offered from you onto others. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that people are neither good nor bad, we’re a mix. Like you, we get anxious and nervous, which push all sorts of unskillful behavior. Judging others, lusting, envy, greed, on and on we inflict harm on ourselves and others. Most of the time, we don’t even know we do it, or do so defensively, protecting something inside us. Its like how perhaps your fear of people pushes you to perhaps quickly judge them, protecting your sensitive heart from taking in their muck. Closing off in this way does help a little, but has lots of consequences.

Instead, consider an alternate view. Underneath whatever icky bits you notice first, there is a beautiful being just trying to find happiness, same as you. And, their quest for happiness often leads them to do odd things, which your empathy picks up on quite directly, like a sense of “error!” or “ouch!”.

Instead of grabbing onto the sludge, you can rest with it, let it pass through, and not let it interrupt your own light. For instance, if you see someone judging your culture, instead of “yep, there humanity is, doing human things, those bastards.” consider “yes, there is another sibling wandering around, looking for happiness”. Then, it passes right through, doesn’t suck you in, you can get back to your day.

Sometimes, when I go into a house that burns incense, for awhile afterward, my coat smells like incense. With hate groups, its the same. For awhile after shucking that nonsense (and well done! You are strong of heart, friend!) sometimes our senses have hategroupie tinting. Focusing on forgiveness, seeing that people are lovable as is, each a mix of wise spirit and bumbling fool, and kindness to self and others, all could help you breathe out the past, clear the lenses.

Finally, consider starting a metta practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendliness, like a hug with a trusted loved one. If we practice metta, we gain a sense of freedom and space, allowing us to meet new experiences with more control, less fear. Much like water pouring into a closed container produces anxiety, a sense of drowning, so can experiences produce anxiety without enough space. Consider “Sharon Salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Twice a day for even a few weeks may help a lot with your struggles.

Namaste, dear friend, try to remember that we do the best we can, and the road to inner peace is paved by endless forgiving.

With warmth,
Matt

Beth,

In addition to the other great words and resources given, also consider expressing, heartfelt and often, how you love the whole of her. When “imperfections” drive a need to control, sometimes its the push to avoid losing love. “If I am perfect, I’ll be loved”. Let her know its unneeded, your arms open to success and mistake alike, and perhaps her pressure to be perfect will diminish some. Perhaps be really tender with any “achievement” encouragement, and focus more on the exploration, growth and fun. “You looked like you had fun, and ran your heart out!” rather than “You won!” Or “You need 1800 calories!” vs “seeing you eat that warms my heart”.

Also, consider trusting your hugs more. 🙂 Your heart has the strength to pour gentle light, like a feeling of home, in more than just your words, actions, etc. Sometimes, words just get in the way, some feelings are expressed best silently. Also, a hug is a good sense of what you can do with the worry, let it rest in hope of miracles and grace, of a mother’s love conquering all, of her and her sunshine. It’ll help make sure your warmth is there when the time comes to give a hug proper. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Rozay,

I’m sorry for your guilty and shameful feelings, and can understand how mistakes can pull heavy on the heart. Consider that trust wasn’t present in that moment already, its not something you brought with your deception. Said differently, if you had trusted yourself enough to be honest, perhaps it would have gone much differently. Clearly, your lies were defensive, perhaps you felt trapped or confused? No biggie, whatever it was. Welcome to the planet. You squeeked out of tune, it happens.

With the fallout, though, such as the leftover feelings of discomfort… consider that even if they’re tied to the past, seeing through the mistake, learning the lesson, letting it go, is all still available. Such as accepting you didn’t trust you could handle what being honest would have brought you, so you lied. Which made it worse, really, left a bitter aftertaste. But, you survived the worse of the two, no biggie, so perhaps the honest path is one you could handle no sweat, too? Then, when you see your reflection again, you’ll know you at least sung your heart out, told your side as best you could.

With warmth,
Matt

Todzilla,

Oh, sorry if I misaimed. You mentioned that you are biting the hard nugget, being selfless and listening to her needs, setting down your own. That’s great! Consider that its not like you don’t have help, you just don’t have great help from her side. Like, you have TB to vent and be heard, validated and advised. That’s not nothing, ya know?

But this idea of sacrifice, never being heard by her, never being validated from her… it sounds like you’re immortalizing a temporary pain. This isn’t “she is just a withholding woman”, there’s just a distance between you, a wall or mound. Past neglect, on both sides, left trust bent, dirt piling up between your hearts. It is a tough nugget, I know, but its still yours to chew. But don’t worry, its not permanent. Such as if you do all the good and noble work of finding inner peace and offering to share that peace with her…. she won’t turn away. Not forever. Once she trusts you’re really digging, she’ll dig too. 🙂 Said differently, its not really enough that you want her to be happy. What do you want? Do you want her? That’s perhaps what she needs to know.

Consider that your list revolves around a couple big issues she has with you. One, she feels like you criticize and try to paint her canvas for her. That perhaps scrunches her sense of freedom. Instead, encourage her to paint whatever she wants. “Hey, you want to yell at me, do it, get it out, let your voice unclog, pour to me dear love.” Or “hey, I got you some new brushes, just in case they would put a smile on your face.” You might be surprised just how thin that wall is between you, as well as how many failed attempts you have at offering her your hand.

On the receiving side, yep, perhaps you can see her issues, or know that her side isn’t perfect, can see how she could improve this or that. Keep it to yourself, unless she asks. Take a breath, let it go, perhaps ask if she needs help, and if she does, start with a hug. She doesn’t want you painting her canvas for her, and it may take some time before she trusts that enough to open up. That’s when she’ll want to learn about what makes you happy, when be able to hear your desires without it coming across as you trying to control her.

Finally, don’t be afraid. Its true that it might not work out, but you’re way stronger than you give yourself credit. When we just rest with the fears, and can accept that loving does have vulnerability with it, then we can set down the puzzle of it. The ruminating, desiring, plotting, researching… can be set aside. That’s when we can stand up, stretch out our heart’s wings and take a look around. Things often look a lot better when we shine a little light. And don’t resent it having to be your own light… that’s true for us all, even when we get a little help to rekindle, its our charge to keep it glowing. To this end, consider starting a metta practice. Metta helps to do just this… honor what gifts we’ve been given, and keep our hand more steadfast upon the wheel, more living by intention rather than reaction. Consider “Sharon Salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

With warmth,
Matt