Macintosh,

I’m sorry for the continued cycling you go through, it must be tough to keep working with an ex, and be reminded constantly in such a way. Its not surprising that trying to create hate for him isn’t working, trying to close the heart intentionally is like sticking a rock in a river… which might dam it up, but the water keeps coming and eventually breaks through.

Have you considered doing metta meditation? If you ever come to accept that closing the heart doesn’t work, metta can help refuel the inner warmth that makes the love unconditional, eroding the sticky points about the union that make love painful. Either way, I wish you love and light along your path.

With warmth,
Matt

Namaste Crissy! Its great to hear from you, and I’m so glad you’re blossoming. Hugs to you, sister.

With warmth,
Matt

Mauve,

I’m so sorry for the suffering you’re going through, with many layers of self infliction and criticism, its no wonder that you feel shitty all the time. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Buddha taught that we are born fundamentally ignorant about how to interact with the world in a way that produces inner peace and balance. We rely on our teachers and parents to teach us almost everything, and sadly many times we are not given good instruction. It would be nice to single out your mom as the source, but she only has the lessons she learned from her parents and teachers, just like you. This is why accepting our ignorance is so liberating… we throw our hands in the air and admit we don’t know what the heck we’re doing, and we begin to untangle what to do next. This is one of the blessings that being angry with oneself can become… recognition of our failings and motivation for change.

That being said, I see something very different in you than you see in you. You see an adultress and drunkard. I see a confused sister. You see your affair and drinking as self sabatoge, further proof that you don’t deserve love. I see a woman looking for joy, and simply doing so unskillfully. For instance, a starving person might eat rotten fruit because their hunger is so intense, and even though the whole time they taste the ugly bitterness of the fruit, they still eat it. Their body becomes very demanding.

This is all that’s happened, my dear sister, and its ok. You’re ok, very lovable, and deserving of peace. The trick here is only to move you away from rotten fruit, such as adultery and intoxication, toward healthy fruit, such as self nurturance and forgiveness. Then the world, and our reflection within it, becomes much more beautiful, simple, peaceful. Sure, we’ve made mistakes, all of us have, and even so the path of joy unfolds before us.

To walk this path, our path, your path, the first thing we have to learn is to be patient. Learning to love oneself is much like playing an instrument. It takes time and practice, but the song that arises is worth every invested second. Your mom seems to have taught you that we play a guitar by stomping on it viciously, and what a heavy load that must be for her! Said differently, perhaps you’ve been taught that our mistakes make us less deserving of love, and instead deserving of criticism. That just simply isn’t so. How silly would we be for telling a child they were stupid and unlovable because they forgot to say the letter “L” when reciting the alphabet? How silly would it be for us to call ourselves unlovable for seeking peace in a bottle? So we are patient and gentle as we learn to love. It takes time and effort to grow, and the fiery anger of our self criticism burns the tender shoots of wisdom and love, so we let the anger go.

Next, its important to become self nurturing. Many of us don’t even know what that means. We learn to be gentle and tender with our mind and body, to embrace ourselves as we would a child. We can take a bath with candles, go on a walk in nature, listen to some gentle music, dive into a relaxing hobby, or whatever else we find that is comforting, soothing, releiving. My favorite is metta meditation, as it very quickly and potently refuels our inner warmth. Metta is a friendly warmth that arises in our body for ourselves and others. Consider searching YouTube for “Sharon guided metta meditation” if you are interested. I highly recommend it. For instance, metta is the harmony which I attempt to let guide the tone of my writing, move my ideas as I breathe out love to my family. It can take a little time to arise, but if you did even 30 minutes of metta practice for a week, the relief will almost certainly be tangible. However, any self nurturing activities can bring about that kind of nourishment, so if something calls to you, feel free to give it a whirl. We’re all different. This will grow your self love over time… just “finding” self love isn’t usually how it grows, much like love at first sight is not usually really love.

Finally, it can help to have an open communication with the voice of criticism in your brain. “Mauve, you are such a worthless person” might pop in suddenly. That’s normal, and is left over baggage. “Thank you voice of criticism, but the way you lash at me isn’t helpful, would you help me find a path of balance?” It may seem silly, but give it a whirl, you may be surprised at how quickly the mind learns to become the ally of the body, instead of its warden.

Namaste, sister, I hope you find love and light. You’re closer to joy than you think… Many suffer for eons before they meet a crisis of self. Once the light is flowing through you again, everything becomes a whole lot simpler.

With warmth,
Matt

Sassy,

His words are garbage, throw them out! Jealousy, judgment, codependent hooks, blah blah. Its trash. Buddha taught that when someone brings us a present of filth, we do not have to accept it. The visual I got was pigpen from the Peanuts gang/Snoopy cartoons. Some people have a cloud around them, and that cloud oozes out into their words and actions. Its them and their crap, and has nothing to do with us. Not that we’re perfect, we have our own stuff to erode, work on and break through, but it is OK to let other people’s words remain about them.

In my opinion, perhaps the reason the text brought anxiety is because he told you that you have a need you didn’t address. As though you have an obligation to the relationship to continue to dance with him until he is satisfied. That is simply not the case… its a form of drunken boxing, codependent hooking. You moved on, that’s enough. You owe no explanation or response. He may weep and wail and tell you you’re trite and ugly, but whatever his temper tantrum brings you, there is no obligation, no need on your side to do anything with his bullshit words.

Consider that his hook is perhaps an attempt to get you to open your heart to him again, to help him validate his side of things. That’s not your business, and Buddhism often speaks of “doing no harm”. Even though you may still have some warm feelings for him as a person (which is common, normal and usual, and does not indicate a mistake or “what if”) to reengage with those hooks has a lot of potential to suck both of you back into unhealthy spinning.

Said differently, if he says “you need to talk to me, you did bad things by not talking to me, you only care about sex” it isn’t truth. Its meaningless. He may as well be saying “the sky is green, the world is flat, and you only care about oranges.” Dust from his cloud. Its OK and good to let it go, ignore the hook. He has neither the authority nor wisdom to dictate such things, it doesn’t make them true. Namaste, sister, I hope your birthday is full of magic, love and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Liam,

The thoughts about suicide are certainly negative, but your questions and feelings are not at all. It takes a lot of courage to open up about that, and thank you for reaching out. It might help to actually talk to someone, and there is a national hotline where you could speak to a compassionate soul. 1-800-273-8255. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Sometimes it can be difficult to heal old wounds. Some tragedy strike us, such as the bullying, and our sensitive heart gets torn. If we don’t know how to heal, or don’t have loved ones that help us, over time it can fester. It sounds like what has happened, and the depression may be a result. Don’t despair, brother, there is always a path to joy.

To heal from an old wound (which has probably become more of a pattern) we have to have a couple of conditions. First and most important, we have to refuel our warmth. Much like when we tear a vein we lose blood, and the loss makes us feel weak, when we suffer, our love leaks out. Usually its in cyclical thoughts, or “racing mind”, but it can also come up as a tastelessness or self apathy and others. To refuel, we self nurture. We take the time to be kind to ourselves and do things that remind us that we want to be happy. One of the best methods I know of is metta meditation. Consider checking out the following:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3uLqt69VyI

When we’ve spent a long time feeling cold, it can take a few days of practice before the warmth returns. Keep at it, if it interests you, for perhaps a week at least once per day, and most likely the inner warmth will return. Once it does, untangling the pattern is more like solving a puzzle than healing a crisis… it really makes a big difference. Namaste, brother, may you find peace and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Sadhu sadhu sadhu! Namaste Aqua, glad to hear you’re doing well.

With warmth,
Matt

John,

Yes, sitting patiently can require some energy from us, such as actively letting the words and arrows sling through us and just breathing, noticing our own ripples. Consider that “figuring it out” might be your agenda, not theirs. This can quickly become exhausting, as though we have some responsibility or personal desire to see them untangle their suffering. We have to let that go, we can’t force a bud to bloom, nor a being give up their suffering. If I were to guess, based on what I know of you, most of your energy might become drained by trying to inspire mindfulness by drawing attention to the knot of suffering they are experiencing.

Perhaps a visual that might help is the way we work with people that have seizures. We don’t try to stop their muscles from firing, we clear out the sharp objects around them. Said differently, we don’t try to stop suffering by pushing against it… as we learn to breathe in and out mindfully off the cushion, the arrows, words, experiences are perceived as empty from our side… much like the ripples in our mind on the cushion are empty. From that place of freedom and space, the untangling happens naturally, like breathing out… some effort, but joyous, simple.

For instance, your stuck patterns don’t ripple in my mind. I breathe your words in, and breathe out into concepts as the wind passes through. Then, breakthrough or breakdown on your side doesn’t create impact, ripples… on my side I am tending my mind skillfully, saying what appears correct without agenda. Tiring only happens when we struggle and resist the wind, the breath, forget to let go, forget to keep moving, take pride in “helping John”, trying to be brilliant, etc. Love and light are part of our nature, so we really can just breathe in and out. Tend dutifully and let go.

As far as the “yes, its the end of the world, we should just give up”… perhaps you’re approaching them with problem solving when they are still too emotionally charged to be ready for that. Hug, nod, soothe, gently hold their hand, and let the whirlwind blow itself out. If you toss new ideas into a tornado, even a piece of grass can cut through a telephone pole.

With warmth,
Matt

John,

It seems to me that you’re growing your tender shoots of compassion. As you continue to give what you can, you’ll naturally become more skillful. Notice how you see the unnecessary and impermanent conditions in those beautiful beings around you? That’s a far distance from the judge that used to declare them ugly. Remember to be patient with yourself, it takes time to develop “skillful means”. Said differently, once we see that others suffer needlessly, their pain sustained only by habitual momentum, helping people emerges as an art. Like all art, it takes practice and time to become proficient.

One thing to keep in mind is that we have very different views of the world, and our experiences within it. This means that some truths are unhelpful to those around us. For instance, if my wife burns her hand on the stove, it is not helpful for me to say “the pain is impermanent” or “when we are skillful at cooking, we don’t burn”. She needs cream, bandages, a hug, etc. Said differently, when people are in emotional pain, we can see it is only habitual momentum, but they cannot. Telling them, for instance, that they create their own pain can be invalidating, create more tension in their mind.

So what we can do is simply accept their suffering isn’t permanent, and leave it at that on our side. Suffering is a great teacher, but only when our eyes are open, when our heart has the space to look with curiosity. So we can invite them to look at it, such as saying “wow, that sounds painful, what’s that like for you?” When we ask questions about their side of things, we invite them to unpack their experiences into the shared spaciousness we help maintain. As we hear their stories, accept their attachments have real gravity, and intend on opening up the space, our heartsong becomes more wise, more healing for both.

This happens both actively, such as asking questions to others about what effective helping looks like, as well as passively, as our unskillful attempts cause us some pain which helps us to grow. This is why patience is such a virtue along the path of awakening, there is much sleep in our eyes… so patience with human suffering in ourselves and others remains consistently needed, even when we can see clearly. It reminds me of a quote from Children of Dune. “Its one thing to gain control of our perceptions, its quite another to gain control of our desires.”

With warmth,
Matt