Tulips,

It seems to me that you have two components of difficult circling around one another. There is the pain of missing him, and the anxiety the pain inspires. This is perhaps sending your mind into the future, projecting stories of how the relationship with end. Long distance relationships are difficult enough without being distracted by the what ifs, as instead of appreciating what is, we become distracted. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

It is possible to build a foundation at a distance, it is just more difficult for many. Sometimes when we miss our partner, we could be sitting next to them and feel the missing rather than feeling them. Said differently, the burden of long distance can prevent good connection even when it is available. To overcome this, it helps to spend time finding acceptance of the current situation and make the best of it… such as spending time settling your emotions prior to the connection, rather than through it. Instead of “can we do this?” during the time you share, consider “what are you experiencing? What have you seen, smelled, heard, and felt since our last touch?”

This helps the connection remain nourishing, building, instead of “self pitying”. All relationships have difficulties, and whether or not this intimacy will remain stable through time and distance is between you two and your hearts. Good luck!

With warmth,
Matt

Amy,

In addition to Sarbagya’s thoughtful advice (generosity being a key to joy) also consider that when we are giving to everyone, we must include giving to ourselves. Skillful giving is an art, but so rich with nourishment it is well worth practicing. For instance, giving ourselves nurturance is very nourishing to our inner peace and balance. However, nurturing with violent TV shows or video games, for instance, is perhaps not as skillful as nurturing with yoga.

To bolster the sense of inner peace consider taking up a metta meditation practice. Metta is a feeling of friendly warmth for all beings, and greatly reduces mental agitation (such as delusion, entanglement, anxiety etc). YouTube “Sharon guided metta meditation” if you’re interested. It helps us to become more gentle, softer in our giving, as though we are tending a small child’s scraped knee… comforting and helpful at the same time.

With warmth,
Matt

Casey,

I’m empathetic to those kinds of struggles, where we judge the external and internal as not good enough, and try to control the environment and people around us. A few things came to heart as a read your words.

When we’re feeling crappy inside, we can become selfish very naturally. Other people’s actions become grating, annoying. Its common to try to force them to act differently from this place, as though if we could only make them behave a certain way, our world would become safer, more beautiful, more spacious, and we could find inner peace. This is problematic of course… even when we see others making decisions that lead to painful effects and we’re trying to jump in and save the day, uninvited help is often rebuked.

Consider that the emotions and thoughts are impermanent… they arise and fade as we move through time. This is true of others’ suffering. They make decisions that lead to success and failure, and they learn. This learning process is like the petals of a flower unfolding… they take time and sun and rain to open. If we get in there and dig our teeth in, then the bud doesn’t open and our own mind suffers for encroaching.

From another direction, if you’re trying to control others because you’re interested in seeing them behave in a way that is pleasing toward you, such as convincing your siblings to do your chores for you, then you’re just being lazy. 🙂 Inner peace is a journey we have to put effort into, and it doesn’t stabily arise any other way. Said differently, we can create the conditions of inner peace and energy independent of specific results, moving from conditional happiness to unconditioned happiness. Meditation practices, metta practices, or any self-nurturing activities help us regain that power and beauty. If the desire to control others is a consistent problem for you, consider reading Pia Mellody’s book on codependence. She has a lot of great practical advice on letting go of control, understanding boundaries, and how to recover from a deep entrenchment of manipulating others.

Finally, try to relax! Inside you there is a child-like spirit that loves to play. Remember how simple life was (and becomes again) when we used our imagination and playfulness to dance and sing. We could play with dolls or cars for hours and be content. That is still inside us, its just under layers of spinning thoughts. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Tony,

I’m sorry for the painfulness and suffering you’ve been wrestling with. Breakups are difficult, and our body needs time and space to grieve its loss. Sometimes when we’re in a relationship, we feel vulnerable, and instead of owning that feeling of insecurity, we become angry and lash at our partner… blaming them for “producing” our feeling. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

She didn’t make you angry, she didn’t make you insecure, and she is not the one to blame for your trust issues. Said differently, its not that you couldn’t trust her, its that you didn’t trust her. It is difficult for any of us to have anger and blame thrown at us, especially when we have done nothing wrong. It is highly corrosive to any intimacy.

That being said, dear brother, it is perfectly normal and usual to feel insecure. We open and connect to another, and they really matter to us. As we realize that, all of the self criticisms we have begin to cast a shadow across our mind… making us fearful that we don’t deserve our partner. How could they love and be committed to someone like us when there are so many better people in the world?

This is a losing game, because everyone’s tastes are different. There are always going to be people who are more skilled at this or that. If we run, others can run faster. If we’re smart, someone will always be smarter. The magic comes into our heart when we realize that being the best is an illusion, meaningless. Instead, we accept that we have a balance of strengths and weaknesses that make us unique and beautiful. Its that combination that keeps love blossoming between ourselves and our partners, because that unique combination becomes known to each other, and feels like home.

Perhaps for now it would be helpful to let go of the future (such as what might be between you two) and get back into a pattern of self caring. Eat right, exercise, follow your hobbies and passions, meditate… nourish and nurture your body and mind, and let the unknown future blossom day by day. This helps to open our roots, reconnecting us to the environment we’re in, and helps us find our sense of balance and stability.

With warmth,
Matt

Garrett,

Friendship means different things to different people, and just because we place certain value and commitment to a relationship does not mean that it will be the same on their side. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that your qualities are wonderful. You come across as caring, compassionate, open, friendly, honest and heartfelt. Sure, there is some insecurity and attachment, but those will get worked out over time as you find your courage. Said differently, you already have some fantastic roots, and perhaps once you find some folks who appreciate those types of qualities, you’ll see them for the strengths they are.

In the meantime, sometimes when we notice we are surrounded by people who don’t relate to the world in the same way as we do (such as your emotionality vs his) the lesson is to become the light you seek. Said differently, it is possible and helpful to turn inward and stabilize and invigorate your lovely qualities. This helps us in many ways, and helps those around us. Imagine how peaceful it would be to sit in a group of people and see them run and scurry this way and that, being assholes to each other, being trite, and letting it all stay about them. Being able to love people for who they are no matter how they act is a great strength you seem to be on the cusp of finding!

For instance, you have a deep love and appreciation for your friend. That is awesome! He doesn’t feel the same, which sucks for him. Where his heart could be open and joyous, he scrambles around with drugs and booze to try to find his peace, his joy. That’s his error, his path of habit and craving, and produces negative effects within his journey. However, he will only overcome it in his time, when he’s ready. It has nothing to do with you, or your lovability… its him and his muck.

When we accept ideas like that, we can let go and become peaceful within our heart. We can’t change people, nor will they grow because of our desires to be closer to them. What we can do is grow our own roots deep into self nurturing, into our basic warmth and friendliness, and become peaceful no matter what their choices are. Self nurturing activities such as going on a walk in nature, listening to soft music, meditation, yoga… all can help us find that stability. Consider checking on YouTube for “sharon guided metta meditation” for a practice that is highly emotionally stabilizing and nourishing. Metta is the feeling of warm friendliness, and could provide a lot of relief from the feeling of solitude.

Namaste, brother, you’re far more amazing than you currently believe, and I hope you find love, light and strength along your path toward joy.

With warmth,
Matt

Phillu,

I’m sorry for the suffering and health issues that you’ve been journeying alongside. It can be really disorienting when we begin to see how directly we create the world around us. Perhaps the problem isn’t in the thinking, but the emotion that motivates the thoughts. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Sometimes when we feel we can “control” or “manipulate” nature, our body moves to a place of pridefulness. Said differently, when we say and think ideas such as “look at what I can do” we actually close off the energy that brings our dreams to life. Perhaps when you “think positive” you are actually sliding into this kind of pride. Its normal and usual, and many people fall into this. One of my teachers called it “spiritual materialism” and from what I’ve seen it leads our creations to turn to dust… the energy of life gets choked by the ego, and we plant empty seeds. Said differently, momma doesn’t like it when we assume we’re the creator, because it dishonors all of the aspects that go into creating.

For instance, imagine a farmer who realizes he can plant seeds and harvest fruit. If he decides he is a god, and can simply make the world according to his image, then he plants in the fields that he desires, rather than where is fertile. Then, the harvest never actually happens. When he gets no fruit, he falls into hunger and is more likely to pay better attention to his farming. This helps him establish humility, which is how he learns to become a skillful farmer, looking for where momma is fertile, instead of lazy and entitled and expecting mother nature to grow his fruit wherever he plants it.

Perhaps the reason it works better while your thoughts feel negative is because you’re approaching nature from a place of humility. (Or perhaps even shame, as though you carry a broken aspect or curse). That humility helps you remain open, so you’re more in tune with your environment. It doesn’t really have anything to do with the thoughts themselves, rather its the emotion in the body that co-arises.

The solution to this kind of puzzle is not as tricky as it may seem. We honor our teachers and parents and ancestors for all their work and effort in setting the conditions we experience. We set down the notion of “creating” or “not creating” and “past” and “future”, and appreciate the blessings around us. We accept how ordinary we are, how each one of us has the potential of becoming a Buddha, and so whatever arises for us doesn’t make us unique, rather experiencing a set of conditions that carries the efforts of countless beings working together. Everything from the spiritual successes we’ve had, agriculture, language, science, even our flush toilets… we’re literally surrounded on all sides by the countless efforts of others.

Much like a seed needs sun and rain and earth in order to grow, our dreams require this appreciation to blossom. When we think “we’re the ones doing it”, we naturally grow clouds that prevent the nourishing light growth requires.

Consider taking up a metta practice. Metta is a warm feeling of friendship in our chest, and can help us stabilize our emotions and mind. Buddha taught that metta helps us develop concentration quickly, because we become free from cycles. If you’re interested, check out YouTube for some guided metta meditations… great stuff! If you did metta for even 30 minutes a day for a week, supplemented with some time (even 10 minutes of active gratitude) honoring nature and your ancestors, you may find reality to be quite a bit simpler. Namaste, brother, may you find peace and joy.

With warmth,
Matt

Hannah,

I’m sorry for the confusion and pressure you experience, and know how disorienting it can be to walk through a maze of needs and feelings and thoughts. When any moment could bring uncertainty and danger, life can appear like a minefield we’re forced to walk though blindfolded. Don’t despair sister, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, meditation isn’t really about controlling thoughts, and we don’t usually succeed in trying to control our mind in that way. We can try to cover the thoughts with new thoughts, such as saying “I’m a good person” every time a thought arises, but that doesn’t uproot, only suppresses. Meditation helps us see that thoughts are empty, meaningless whispers from past conditioning. For instance, perhaps your parents were very attentive (and perhaps critical of mistakes) which was painful for you. In order to avoid the pain, your mind perhaps tries to see mistakes before they happen, to protect your tender heart.

Unfortunately, that’s a failing strategy for the mind, because we are going to make mistakes. Its unavoidable, and so no matter how skillfully we navigate, we are bound to trip and fall. As the mind realizes this, it tries to avoid making choices, avoids opening itself up to errors and the pain that arises alongside them.

This is why meditation is so helpful in overcoming our history. As we sit with thoughts and just let them be, we begin to realize they don’t control us. Thoughts come, thoughts go. The wind blows, the rains come, the clouds clear… nature being natural. They are like streamers that burst out of our unhealed wounds, which is helpful in finding the wounds, but otherwise don’t inherently do anything… nothing to be feared.

That being said, they still happen, and it’d be nice to feel peaceful. There are a couple things that come to heart from your situation. First, parents often make mistakes in how to raise and protect and teach their children. It sucks, and far worse for the parents… because not only are they often a product of their environment (learned behaviors from their parents and teachers) but most parents love their children intensely, fiercely, and any pain the child experiences strikes their heart. The reason I say this is because many children have to confront their disappointment in their parents in order to be free. It would be nice to blame your parents for where you are, but then you’d have to blame their parents for where they are, and your great grandparents for where your grandparents were… and on and on the spiral of blame goes back to primal man and woman clubbing each other over the head. Its nonsense, binding rather than freeing.

Instead, we can accept the imperfect nature of our parents and teachers, and use the skillful and throw out the unskillful. The minefield your parents threw out for you, for instance, seems to have helped to make a woman who has incredibly strong awareness. I was amazed and surprised how intricately self aware you are, how powerfully astute your observations are about what arises inside you. Sure, the stuff that arises is painful right now, but you see! You notice! That is awesome.

To cast off the painfulness and get your body feeling happy again is not a big thing. It seems big, but it really isn’t. Because you are so aware, you’ll learn really fast. The key is self nurturing. You have to be kind to your body, gentle with it. Patient with it. Consider that you have some painful baggage, much like a sprained ankle, and so just stomping around without care produces a lot of pain. Self nurturing is what heals the hurt in the heart, because where it once looked to mommy and daddy for care, it can now turn inward and meet its own needs. For instance, going on walks in nature, taking a bubble bath with candles, listening to gentle music, working out… the actions which you do that remind your body of the beauty, gentleness and kindness of this world. This refuels the body, invigorates it, so it can weather the unknown with grace.

Speaking of grace, consider pausing for a week or two on meditating, and switch over to metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of friendly warmth inside us, and is highly self nurturing. When we are full and radiant with metta, the mind becomes smooth and peaceful. “Sharon Salzburg metta guided” on YouTube would probably strike you well, and even once a day for a week will probably produce noticeable relief. Its much different when we walk around feeling, knowing, that we’re the light in the world, rather than wondering where to find it. Namaste, sister, may you find peace.

With warmth,
Matt