Andrea,

What an incredible mind you have! I’m really impressed by the depth and potency of your response. In this case, I dont think the key is to be mindful, rather, the key is to be humble. Consider there are many things present during an argument that are beyond the “what is true” aspect. There is the power struggle of who is “better” or who has the dominant ideas, the “best” points, the “alpha”. There are all sorts of logical fallacies and manipulations and so on and so forth. Its a thorny mess! We might feel like there’s a way through, such as “debating anyway and living with the pain” as though it is an act of redemption or proof we’re smart or valuable or whatnot. Its like cutting through a thorn bush thinking there is light on the other side, if we can only break through…

If we just abandon the thorn bush altogether, we can begin to accept that we know what we know, and we don’t what we don’t, and instead of getting confidence from “being right” we can get it from “doing our best” “being open” or “being loving”. Arguing to be right is empty of any lasting nourishment, because we feel pride if we’re right or shame if we’re wrong. When we remain humble, we’re naturally moved to curiosity. “What can I learn here? What can we uncover in this moment of connection? What does my dad think? What game is he playing? Where’s his heart?” and so forth. Your mind is amazing, perhaps you just need better aim. 🙂

Remember that inside each of us is a Buddha (namaste), and as we come together and sing for one another from the heart, we mutually find wisdom and peace. Said differently, if your dad plays to win, let him win… who cares? Play your own game, like being kind to someone who plays to win, or letting go of the connection between your confidence and “being right”. Those are more nourishing games to play, and sidestep the thorn bush altogether. Or, we can laugh at ourselves for pressing into it again, if we grab our armor and try to win the battle, cut through to the light on the other side. Think about it, if you win, your dad loses, and how distressing it must be to feel beaten by your own daughter! Dads often think of themselves as the protector and wise man, so its possible you’re challenging a lot more than an idea!

With warmth,
Matt

Amber,

I’m sorry for the blow you’ve taken to your self esteem lately, its odd how insecurities crop back up even after we find our stride. He sounds like a grade-A clinger, and perhaps its good that you stepped away. The age thing isn’t really a thing, but the “fast hard fall” is not a good sign, especially the way you described it.

It probably only seems like such a “once in a lifetime” thing because of your tender and fragile self image. You lost a bunch of weight, and the “unattractive fat-girl” pattern of mind still has some power. Said differently, perhaps because you spent so long feeling icky about yourself, the emerging of good feelings got tied into the man. Especially because he came across so thick and sweet, your hungry confidence grabbed onto it as food. Now that he’s gone, the food is gone.

Give yourself more credit than that. You’ve come a long way, dear sister, and even more than the weight being gone, the confidence and momentum of a healthy life is very alluring to men, and you have plenty of time to find someone who sees and loves you. Even moreso, you have plenty of time to shop around and find out what you like, what makes you happy, what inspires your heart to song. Let your confidence grow, let your self love reach deep into your own heart. That way you wont settle for something less than you deserve. Consider that the guy you broke it off with is perhaps “romance hopping”, which isn’t really love, its entertainment, nourishment. Its not surprising that he jumped to a new girl, a new toy. You deserve waaaay better than that.

With warmth,
Matt

Courageous,

In addition to Johns pertinent and well aimed compassion, consider that you bet on the wrong horse. You spent all that time trying to make someone happy, and they turned their back on you. Ouch! I’m so sorry it happened that way for you, dear sister. Consider that perhaps from here on out you could turn that love and dedication toward someone more deserving. (Hint: she’s staring back at you in the mirror).

The road of healing is open before you, and I hope you find love and light as you walk it. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

John,

When we are young, we don’t have the skillfulness to see and understand our environments. So sometimes we play with knives and cut ourselves. But, when we’re kids, we don’t necessarily know that the cut will heal, and it feels like the end of the world. So, the knife becomes a symbol in the mind of the end of the world. However, its nothing, empty, just a knife.

This is the same with emotions. When we are young, momma and daddy are so important to us. They feed us, house us, clothe us, teach us. We’re just an ingorant kid, and don’t know what to do. As we interact with our parents, sometimes they burst out with all sorts of twisted emotional rays, and they hit us and hurt us. They yell at us for screwing up again, aggravating them, whatever, and we don’t know what we did wrong. We know we did something, after all, they’re telling us, but prior to that perhaps we had little to no knowledge. Or, even with the knowledge, had no impulse control… after all, we’re kids being kids.

But, it doesnt matter, because our parents (and symbolically, our source of food, shelter, warm feelings) get fiery and cut us, and it becomes the “end of the world”. We don’t know that momma is pissed and she’ll be fine in a moment. Or that she loves us and snaps sometimes. We don’t know that the isolation will be momentary, a few breaths. We get scared we’ve lost our chance at love, and safety.

Now as an adult, we can be left with those same fears. We’re afraid of the knife, because it can present the end of the world. We’re scared of making mistakes, because it can send us into eternal isolation. Both of those are nothing, empty of wisdom, of reality. If we mishandle a knife, we’ll get cut. If we say the wrong things, we’ll feel isolated. So what? You know how incredibly strong and brilliant your compassion is, you’ve touched it enough times. So you have a choice. You can say nothing and remain safe but unblossomed, or you can say what comes to heart and either feel pain if its you being unskillful, or joy if its skillful. The unskillful naturally erodes, because we know of the pain’s impermanence, and why it arises. So the more we just open up and play, the stronger our courage becomes.

Said differently, if you hide, you feel pain of stagnation (isolation). If you jump, you either fly or feel pain of unskillfulness (isolation). So, you really have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. As you learn, its even more obvious that the pain was helpful, it teaches so much about boundaries and so forth, and doesn’t last very long. Back on the cushion, take some breaths, and the mind settles. Then we get up and do it again, and the light of joy and the beauty of our gift gets more brilliant with each failure, because we learn. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Sam,

I’m impressed with the amount of time, effort and consideration you’ve put in so far. What you describe is often tricky for people with a lot of empathy, and as we experience the “dumping” of others, it can feel assaulting. Don’t despair, there is always a path toward joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

There is a balance between being there for someone and being their toilet. On one hand, sharing our stress is an important part of its unwinding for many, and so having the freedom to express our pain is important. That being said, if our partner is consistently in a space of stress and dumping, it can be disorienting and erode the intimacy. Much like we don’t usually wish to kiss a snorting bull, our affection pulls away from anger and stress. That you’re looking for a way to approach her differently, more skillfully is great.

The breakthrough for me was when one of my teachers helped me see the powerful teaching quality of pain and suffering. These vibrant experiences that grab your partner and twist her mind and emotions into a frenzy are very real for her, and just because we can see them with more detachment doesn’t mean the maze on her side isn’t very convincing. On your side, however, its co-inspiring a maze in your own body, such as feeling assaulted, feeling overcome, burdened, overwhelemed by her energy. This is normal, usual, and understandable.

What we can do see the situation more clearly, and instead of trying to work on it from their side, work on it from our own. For instance, there is a story of the Buddha standing in the pathway of a rampaging elephant, and he remained undisturbed, and because of that, could reach out to the elephant and help it settle. There was no need to dodge or whip or lure or plot or plan, just the in breath and out breath.

This same approach is helpful in relating to passionate expression, such as your partner’s dumping. As she’s venting, perhaps your love and commitment for her pulls you close to the energy, to her, and so you’re feeling the tangles and fire very directly. Instead, you can sit and move most of your attention to the breath, like we do in meditation. As we just breathe with the dumping, make space around it by letting it wash over us, most times the tornado simply evaporates. Said differently, as you notice that your mind begins to grab on or push aside the words and feelings she is presenting, its OK and quite helpful to intentionally do nothing with it. Just listen to the words, assign them no meaning, and allow yourself to just see “my love is suffering and venting”. Then the heart remains unburdoned by what has been said, because inside your own body you have kept the space open, let the moment slide past. This naturally helps those around us also feel the spaciousness, because as we sit and listen and hug without doing anything else, the stability in us is shared with them.

What arises is a view of them more completely. For instance, say our partner consistently stubs their toe on the couch. Then, the pain of that stubbing leads them down a trail of cursing and blaming and yelling and all sorts of nonsense. If we don’t become personally assaulted by the swearing and yelling (“I want this space to be quiet and peaceful, and you are stopping that”) and just see them as having a cathartic moment (“swearing makes pain hurt less, I wish for her to hurt less, swear away, I’ll be the peaceful environment I’ve been seeking”) then it becomes very simple. Consider that pain has a way of making the most generous of us quite selfish.

That being said, there is no reason our life needs to be an endurance trial, and there are some who are so entrenched in patterns that they look for couches to kick. What you have in front of you is between you and your heart, so knowing where to apply your efforts is within your own wisdom, which I trust. The only redirection is that because the girlfriend’s energy appears outside us, we assume the difficulty we have with the energy is also outside us, which is not the case. Our mind clamps down and bounces around, spinning our heart and making it dizzy. Do you happen to do any metta meditation? Metta practice helps strengthen our connection to peace and kindness, which goes a long way when the clouds gather. Namaste, sister, may you find love and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Laughter,

One of my teachers explained the arising of a painful emotion that was so entrenched, we feel that it is just. It makes sense to me why you might feel as though I was judging you, but I wasn’t, and quite the opposite. I’m a healer, by heart and trade, and spend my time breathing in the tangles of reality and breathing out my best love and heartfelt creativity. My questions were curiosity, genuine and open, with only a hope that whatever comes up between us will be mutually nourishing to our hearts, help us find joy more directly, completely. Said differently, you posed a situation, and my heart responded, and if there were whispers of judgment or assumption arising on my side, reflecting through my words, I apologize, that is certainly not my intention.

Perhaps it would be easier to understand my aim if we reframe it into a much more neutral circumstance. Imagine for a moment that we are a beautiful being, full of empathy and joy. However, every time we encounter the color orange, our heart collapses, we experience painful feelings, and our own vision of the world becomes challenged, aggressive. It seems reasonable that we have the right to live in a home without orange, and so we keep our rooms free to protect us from those emotions, those challenges. That is fine, normal and usual.

Perhaps it might be interesting and freeing to approach the color orange in a new way. Sure, we have a right to feel whatever emotions we feel, after all, we feel them. However, perhaps it can be seen that the emotion is unneeded, unhelpful, and doesn’t really serve our heart in any way. As I breathe out these letters and words through my fingers, I feel no hope or wish that you act in such and such a way, being a different being than you are. The hope is only that as you experience the child, your heart remains unburdened by anger, disgust, and the inevitable guilt that results. It might seem like a reasonable aim to try to paint the wall a color other than orange, such as making the child more moral. But as you say, there does not appear to be a way to give the child the food they need, your relations with them are limited and bound by the constraints of the relationship.

The reason to detach from the color orange is to prevent the burnout in a more skillful way. One way is through anger and judgment, such as labelling them as a sociopath, a manipulator, and a selfish user… but it seems that you’ve noticed how disempowering that is, how painful it is to your otherwise open and joyous heart.

In this way, our difficult students become our greatest teachers. When our hearts are open and our mind undisturbed, our inspiration naturally carries with it a generous giving that is unencumbered and skillful. Namaste represents just that, where the Buddha in my being bows and respects the Buddha in yours, calls to it, sings to it, helps it awaken, and your response and reaction calls back. Hand in hand, and heart to heart, we help one another become free.

That being said, being generous is only genuine if it is skillful. I would not consider your ex’s new partner, for instance, to be more humane. Not for a lack of disgust, but because her complacency is mutually afflictive. Said differently, her actions hurt herself, in being abused, and him, in allowing his actions to go on. She suffers, he suffers. That is enough, simply seeing, letting the disgust out the back door, allowing ourselves to accept that our siblings remain trapped in mutually afflicting cycles. When we bring disgust into it, we allow their suffering to spread to our own heart, create additional pain.

Because our previous exchanges have been… tenuous, I won’t press further if my aim is off, my heartsong unhelpful or uninvited. There are some practices which shore up the weaknesses of our energy, to allow our moments to pass through us without ensnaring us, and if you are interested I would of course be willing to share. I have no desire to engage in a contest of wills or credence with you, I see you as my dear sister, and above all wish to respect you and your tender and loving heart. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Baby,

I can understand why you would feel like that, and I wonder about this thing you call trust. For instance, we would not trust a snake not to bite us, but we would trust it to act like a snake. Perhaps there is a false assumption that his actions are random, but its highly unlikely. The same patterns that trap you into mistrust trap him… but if working with his patterns and helping him isn’t your aim, what are you looking for? Validation that it is just to give up? Coping mechanisms to heal your own tender heart from the disgust?

Perhaps it isn’t morality the child needs, but better food for whatever lack that is driving his hunger, his dysfunction. Disgust is such an odd and painful emotion, usually arising when we forget that the people who are acting poorly have been taught to act that way by circumstance. Much like a flower doesn’t bloom if there is not rain, sun, and a seed, dysfunction doesn’t arise without the conditions that support it. Who’s to blame?

With warmth,
Matt

Joie,

I’m sorry for the dark spinning in your mind and all the suffering it brings. It can be a difficult journey, healing our painful patterns, and I commend you for taking some great steps toward recovery. Don’t despair, brother, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

There is no shame in being an angry, clueless doofus. Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance about how to find balance and kindness… we rely on our parents and teachers to help us, and often they don’t know how to either. Its OK, and you’re normal and usual. The trick is really just to figure out what to do from here, what steps to take which move you toward that inner peace.

A psychologist can really help untangle some of the patterns you have, to help you confront and heal the shadow. Good psychologists, anyway. In the meantime, consider taking up a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendliness in the chest, and helps a lot with racing mind and painful emotions. Ajahn Brahm has some great guided metta meditations on YouTube if you’re interested. The reason metta may work for you is because staring too long at our painful behaviors can drain our energy, lead us to feel crazy or worthless. Metta refuels that energy, so that as we look at the world we can see the joy of it again, remember why we dance, what is beautiful.

Its great that you want to confront your patterns, but take it slow, gentle, let yourself heal. It takes time, and often our frustration with ourselves pushes us too fast, and things heal crooked. Be patient, friend, its the best way honor the suffering that you’ve already been through, the best way to grow your roots deep into love and light.

With warmth,
Matt