Maison,

I’m sorry for the unmanifested dreams and visions, and the suffering you have from seeing the potential crumble. It can be painful to say to least, especially for artists. I am impressed by your passion. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The way I see art, it is not about us… its about creativity and energy colliding, connecting with a medium, and through that connection revealing some piece of magic, an aspect of nature. If your creativity is anything like mine, there are probably hundreds of inspirations that float through your vision. If we consider manifesting those visions as the source of our joy, then we miss out on the 99% that remain ephemeral. Said differently, if we attach to the manifested art as the source of our joy, then we only get a few breaths of happiness. If we can accept that the inspiration itself is a gift and a joy, then we can remain joyous no matter what.

The benefit of approaching our artistry in such a way is it makes us resilliant to becoming big-headed when we get praise (which chokes our connection to inspiration ) as well as the aggravation that can arise when our art is unappreciated. For instance, in your situation, you were given the gift of a vision of a movie, and because it did not manifest, you suffer. If you could accept the vision itself as the gift, the joy, and open to it with gratitude instead of ego and “they failed me” then you could be content that you did your part as well as you could have and move on. This frees your mind to jump into another creation without looking back.

This is what I do with my words to people online. I breathe in, digest the vision of their words, then breathe out from the heart my best artistry (capturing healing energy into words). Then I move on, find a new horizon, a new brother or sister in need and do it again. If I lamented every failed attempt, or celebrated each success, the actual flow of my energy would decrease. For me, the healing is the purpose, the actual words that come out are never exactly the same as the vision, words are too clunky…. but its not about me, its about my heart meeting up with each moment as clearly as it can. Similarly, I bet your heart sings in tune with the message behind your art, which is why you can flip between mediums so easily. However, in this case your medium was the group, and you flubbed it. You tried to paint a canvas that had its own agenda, its own texture, and the result is exactly what you put into it. This doesn’t mean that people can’t be trusted, it means that you chose partners that did not share your vision or passion. That’s not their fault, they were just being themselves.

Also, consider that arts beauty arises not within the art itself… the art is just a lump of stone, pigments on canvas and so on. Rather, the beauty is in the connection it forms with the audience, and the thoughts and emotions it brings forward in their body.

Namaste, friend, may you find love, light and limitless inspiration.

With warmth,
Matt

Kistina,

Without knowing him or his intentions, it is difficult to say. He did break up with you, which isn’t a great sign for the relationship. Sometimes we can dream so powerfully that we ignore the path in front of us, and who knows how much you might love someone else? Either way, when a relationship ends, it is important that we let ourselves grieve its passing. Even if you meet up with him sometime down the line, he won’t be the same man, and you won’t be the same woman. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Rideeta,

I’m sorry for the suffering you’re experiencing, and it makes sense why you might feel some frustration and despair. Sometimes when we’ve had it easy and things become more difficult, we get some extra stress as though we are unable to do what we need to do. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, when our mind is frustrated, it very naturally closes. For instance, if you look at a complex equation and notice you don’t get it right away, your mind perhaps starts thinking “I don’t get this, I don’t understand this”. Each symbol and letter in the equation sparks up more and more layers of thoughts and icky feelings. Then, as you step away, you remember the icky feelings and icky thoughts. Where’s the equation? Said differently, the equations and other materials are producing two challenges to your brain. The first is the basic ignorance of the subject. If you knew it already, you wouldn’t be in class! So your ignorance is fine, normal, expected. The second challenge is the ickiness that is arising. You’re used to having it easy, and now its hard. This second challenge uses up precious resources in your brain, distracting you from the actual material and makes studying a drain, painful, stressful.

Consider taking a step back and trying to open up your curiosity. There are countless ways in which your heart can help the world be a better place. Drop this “I want to be better than others” nonsense, because that means you also want others to be worse than you. Instead, make your dream less selfish, more about how your unique qualities can help the world be a brighter place. I don’t mean this in some hippy peace and love kind of way. By retuning our desire for the benefit of all beings, our strength, peace and curiosity increase dramatically. Said differently, if you spend less time making it about you and what you’ll gain, the easier it is, the simpler it is to weather your successes and failures. Then our studies are an exciting jump into the unknown, playing a cosmic game of wisdom, knowledge and ignorance all mishing up against one another as we grow.

Have you done any metta practice? Metta really helps open up that curious space, as well as decreases the mental agitation that crops up alongside our difficulties. Consider searching YouTube for “Sharon guided metta meditation” if you’re interested. Its worth it, even 20 minutes a day will help your mind reclaim its intelligence, because it will be less distracted. Namaste, I hope you find love and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Maile,

Buddha taught that the sangha is one of the three pillars of development, much like a three legged stool that requires each leg or it falls over. That being said, I don’t think its the solitude that is producing the agitation, it seems more like an imbalance within your practice. Do you share time on your cushion between mindful meditation practices and metta meditation practices? Its great to develop concentration and mindfulness, but it is also important to use what you’ve learned to produce happiness for yourself. Then it becomes a much more simple thing… we socialize when we want to and don’t when we don’t. These absolutes and deep looking at what we “should” or “should not” do aren’t really that necessary, and are more about emotional hunger than “the nature of the path/humans/etc”. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Oskari,

I’m sorry for the pain and suffering you’re experiencing, and its very reasonable to have a resurgence of cynicism and nihilism. Sometimes when we get burned, we become scared and judgemental about fire. The fire was never anything but energy. Said differently, love is not the problem, not an infestation in the garden with ugly and hairy and herb eating. Those are from the patterns of attachment that circle the love, and because they we broken for you by her decisions, the pain that comes along with them are vibrant and painful. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

When we suffer through a loss, we grieve. Because you have such a fast moving and inquisitive mind, those painful emotions can push your mind to draw conclusions about the nature of the world that are cloudy at best. Instead, consider turning inward and learning about yourself. This is what anger feels like, this is what disappointment feels like, and so forth. If you can accept that the world around us looks darker when the emotions in our body are darker, then the path we’re on becomes a quest for light, and we become the light we seek. Said differently, as we heal our grief, its better for us and all those who connect with us if we let go of the big conclusions about the nature of love and romance because of a singular experience. Instead, “I am grieving, and grief is painful.”

Namaste, brother, I hope you find peace and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Danielle,

I’m sorry for the painfulness you experience, and understand that it can be puzzling to want to let go, and not know how. Sometimes our minds grasp onto things, and as this happens, we make the object, words, actions about us. This leads us to feel like an injustice has been done, as though someone has trespassed, pierced our warmth and stability. Said differently, perhaps if you can find the difference between “he is being hurtful” and “I am feeling hurt by his actions” you will find the detachment you’re looking for. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider the story of the lion with a thorn in his paw, roaring and thrashing. Many were afraid of the lion, but one courageous being saw through the lion’s vibrating energy and stepped forward and pulled out the thorn. The lion was perhaps too worked up to even know where the pain was coming from! Perhaps you could spend a few moments comparing the lion to him. He roars, and you make it about you. Not “he has a thorn in his paw/heart/mind”… some ignorance or unskillful pattern that causes him to lash out… and instead, you grab onto it as all about you “how could he say that to me! How could he invade my heart with such sourness? Alright mind, lets punch him, be angry, defend ourselves against his behaviors, and attack him to force his surrender. Then we can get back to loving one another.”

Instead, you can step aside and not make it about you. Perhaps he is stressed about his work, or his mom’s illness, or feels attacked by your words. Who knows the why or what, but it probably has little to nothing to do with you. Even loving people say harsh words when their mind is spinning and the entanglement sets in. Said differently, both of you have difficulty letting go, most of us do, and often we have to wait for the energy to blow itself out before we can even see the beauty before us. Consider how painful it is for you to have the thorn of “he is hurtful” spinning in your mind… he has those too! They are very painful for him, as yours are for you. When we spend time looking at that, seeing that deeply, and letting ourselves feel love for our suffering partner, the more compassion we have available in the moments we struggle ourselves.

When the thorn is actually generating painfulness in your mind, such as during or right after the “he is hurtful” view arises (such as during an argument) consider moving your attention to the breath. “This sensation in my mind is odd, its almost like a headache. Odd how many thoughts pop in and spin around this thorn, interesting. Oh yeah, the breath.”. Focus on the sensations of air sweeping past the nose, the coolness deep in the nasal cavity behind the eyes, the rising and falling of the abdomen and so forth. Try not to slide into the cycle, and if you do, be gentle with yourself and move your attention back to the breath. This is like slowly stopping yourself from tossing wood into a fire. If you stop feeding it, it burns out. You dont have to figure out how to douse it, just breathe. Namaste sister, may you find peace.

With warmth,
Matt

Sufi,

I’m sorry for the painfulness and confusion you go through, and can understand why it is so difficult to work with such passionate emotions. Sometimes when we get caught up in things around us, such as the clothes on the floor, they present a gravity that seems inescapable. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

I am really impressed by your awareness of your difficulties. Its worth noting that many people try to address the partner’s problems with clothes instead of the anger and entanglement. Give yourself some well deserved credit, your heart is stronger than you think it is, or you wouldn’t be asking these questions. You’re a good person stuck in a weird and painful cycle, not some demoness.

Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance on how to find balance and peace. We are conditioned by our parents and teachers, and often get stuck in cycles like you’re experiencing. You’re very normal, usual, and capable. Consider that you’re resisting the cycle with all your might, and that is fantastic.

All you really need is to learn to aim more directly, to cut at the cycle directly. Counting and breathing can help, but from your description it is more like a squirt gun trying to put out a forest fire. Instead, consider that perhaps you need to spend some time outside of the flames in order to help you remain stable during. Said differently, it is before and after the explosions that your work needs to be done, not during. During, your mindfulness and love is absent, missing… the fire is too hot to pull in the soothing water. So what we do instead is pull in the water when we are calm, and the fire naturally soothes, becomes less flary.

This can be done by any number of self nurturing methods, but the best I’ve found is metta meditation. Metta is the energy of loving kindness and friendship inside our chest, and does amazing things to our body. It makes it more resilient to our triggers, it gives our mind a peaceful and smooth quality, reduces stress, and builds a bridge between our body and joy. Consider checking out “guided metta meditation” on YouTube and exploring a little. There are many great guides out there.

Next, the symptoms you describe…. anger, loss of sexual drive, depression… make sense why they would be arising as you begin to make a home with your partner. The little girl that witnessed what “husband and wife” looks like way back when is scared. Of course you’ll never be your dad, so you can drop that right now. You have some fear and some learning to do, but you’re not him, and won’t be. Your heart is far too open for that. Consider that when you moved in together, suddenly it was all very real. It wasn’t just wishing or dreaming or what it might be, it is the sudden viewing of all of the beauty and grime, in him and inside you. This is normal, and the metta practice will perhaps help with that as well by giving you the spaciousness of mind to see the beauty for what it is. Said differently, as you become more calm and less stressed, the agitation from the little things will hopefully (usually) dissipate.

If your partner’s calmness is strong, there is a practice which may help both of you. If you can accept that you are a loving being with the burden of an angry pattern, then consider talking to him about it when you’re both calm. Stop “I’m so unworthy of you” and blah blah blah, that’s bullshit. You’re worthy, just suffering. Instead, consider “my love, I am suffering with this pattern of anger, and would like your help.” The practice happens on both sides. On your side, you have to reach through the haze of flames, stand against the anger. So, when you’re standing there, looking at your partner and seeing the ugly, shitty being who did this and that to you, feeling the hate and frustration searing through your veins… reach back and remember that your body is just angry. And then try to surrender. Instead of “me vs him”, consider “hurt Sufi desperately hanging onto the edge of a cliff, suffering with painful feelings.” Then, let go and fall into his arms. From his side, when he sees the rampaging bull of a Sufi rearing and roaring, he doesn’t try to shift you this way or that. Instead of “calm down”, he holds you quietly, humming to you or just saying “I love you Sufi, so beautiful and strong, passionate and courageous” and so forth. With luck and practice, the clouds clear and the heartbeat returns so easily. It is like a lightning rod, helping you ground out that energy and physically, directly helping you let go, opening up the space.

Namaste, Sufi, I hope you find your peace and love, and learn to balance your passionate spirit with your compassionate heart.

With warmth,
Matt