Annie,

I’m sorry for the powerlessness youre experiencing, and feeling like the roots of difficulty have dug deep into your life. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy and freedom. Sometimes when we begin to assess our decicions, we are quick to judge them as bad and so seek to stop them. The problem with this is that the drinking, indulgent eating, laziness arise from somewhere and do something for us. So if we just quit, our willpower gets pitted against our need, and eventually need wins. Much like if we do not eat for a few weeks, hunger becomes overwhelming and we gorge. This is normal, usual. There is nothing wrong with you, you’re just looking in the wrong places for food, and almost all of us do the exact same thing in one way or another. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Whatever happened in your past that gives you that sense of “I’m icky” is like a hole in a bucket. The drinking and eating and so forth are an attempt to fill that bucket. It might fill it for a few moments, such as being drunk giving you relief from pain, but they carry with them a cost. Consider that quitting drinking isn’t enough, you have to fill the bucket in other, more healthy ways. This is when lasting change can take root, because “quitting” is never as strong as “replacing”. There is no need for you to lack joy, we just have to find a food that is better!

This is where self nurturing comes in. Few of us spend as much time self nurturing as we need, and end up compensating in a lot of ways. Going on walks in nature, taking a bath with candles, listening to soft music, sharing heartfelt intimacy with loved ones… all help to refuel that bucket as well as help to reveal the holes! My favorite form of self nurturing is metta meditation, which is a way of directly cultivating warm feelings of friendship and happiness in our body. Consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation”. Even a few sessions should be very noticeable, and if you can give your body 24 hours without being intoxicated before hand, even better.

As for the actual hole in the bucket (or the unhealed knot from your past), it can help to talk it out with loved ones (if it is safe to do so) or here on tinybuddha if you have the courage and desire. They seem dark and twisted from inside the maze, but they really are quite simple to work out. Much like a knotted muscle seems to spread agony all over the body, but once it is kneaded, it actually heals pretty simply. Your mind and heart yearn for balance, and so whatever issue is stuck that pulls you out of balance is naturally painful. Its your body’s way of telling you to pay attention. In the muscle metaphor, the knot hurts so the mind knows the body is torqued… so it knows to change its posture.

The end to the cycle is always looking close at what fuels it, seeing how unhelpful it actually is, where the pain is arising, then walking away. You don’t have to force it… much like you don’t have to force yourself not to put your face into a campfire. You only have to see it, then your heart and mind naturally abandons or erodes the cause.

Namaste sister, you’re a lot closer than you think. It only seems dark and twisted from inside the cycle. From outside it looks like a beautiful woman stumbling along her path of joy, like almost everyone before her.

With warmth,
Matt

Vashi,

You’re welcome, and thank you for finding the courage to open up here and look for a path of love and contentment. Sometimes we try to fight fire with fire, which if you think about it, its no wonder why it escalates. For instance, arguing with your husband until things snap and become physically violent. This is normal, and I’m glad he shocked himself and stopped. Consider that perhaps your strategy is a little lacking, but with some effort on your part, you can reclaim your peacefulness. Said differently, don’t fight fire with fire, soothe it with ice. The ice melts, and the water becomes mutually nourishing.

For instance, if you can accept here and now that the sister’s pattern of being a spoiled brat is actually afflicting her in many ways, then you can find the gateway to peace. Not only will she appear as a child throwing a tantrum (which naturally keeps her actions all about her), but you’ll be able to see the difference between her potential and her reality, and help her find peace. So how do we find that view? Well… do you think she was born spoiled? What happened to your dear sister that twisted her mind in such ways? There you are with love in your heart, and instead of sharing joy with you, she attacks you? How sad for her! Look at what she’s missing out on! If she is this aggressive with you, imagine how pernicious her anger and suffering must be! Undoubtedly many of her connections with others will follow such a pattern. How alone she must feel!

This compassionate view of her is where the ice can arise from. For instance “how painful it must be for you to have so much anger inside your body to lash out at me with such fury!” Or “You may see me as garbage, but I choose to love you. No matter what you see, I see my angry sister saying mean things.” or whatever your heart comes up with. As a mother, you have surely said many times “tantrum all you want, my dear sweet child, I will love you no less, even though I will not buy you that toy/give you that candy/go without rest.” It won’t work if you’re wielding it as a weapon, but with time it will work if you are pouring your love back to her.

In the meantime, there is no reason for you to go on feeling crappy. Consider taking up a metta meditation practice. We strengthen the power of our loving kindness intentionally, and it gives us an amazing stability of heart. What we do is focus on someone that is easy to love, to feel warmth and joy as we poor our well wishes and love toward them. Then, as the warmth is glowing well, we envision ourselves pouring it to someone neutral, such as the stranger who sold you groceries. Then, gently we envision ourselves sharing our glow with the difficult ones. With practice, that glow becomes strong and resilient. Consider checking out YouTube “guided metta meditation” and find one that works well for you. Even a few days of 30 minutes of practice will make a huge difference.

Namaste, sister. You’re stronger and closer than you think! Remember that the keys to joy are always internal.

With warmth,
Matt

Tulips,

I really appreciate the way you’re looking at this… you’re doing it with maturity and patience, which is commendable! Even your impatience is being approached with spacious consideration. Bravo! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

You’re very normal. Most relationships are challenged by long distance, and its no surprise that your heart is having difficulty. It is not only acceptable that you talk about it, it is necessary. Its where you’re at, and relationships are built on both people relating where they are at. This allows people to grow together, to continue to see deeply into each other… because the trust to share whatever comes up gives the other a chance to peer behind the curtain… to know the heart and mind directly, openly.

As you engage with him, just try to bring the same space you had in the post. Not “you travel too much” or “you need to change” but “this pattern we have is burdening my heart. What can we do?” This works for most of the bumps that arise during intimacy, travel or otherwise. It gives him the opportunity to make informed choices, follow his desires with knowledge. Perhaps you two can innovate a path out of the problem, perhaps he’d rather give up the relationship than the schedule, perhaps something else, who knows.

There are no rules for what we should or should not experience, only cause and effect. If his travelling puts distance between you and him emotionally as well as physically, that’s important for him to honor. Its not your “fault” for being this way or that and you dont just need to “swallow it down”. Its an issue, and if it can be worked out with him somehow, the relationship could flourish under the new conditions you two create. If not, you’ll be able to decide what to do next with more wisdom.

Namaste, dear sister, I hope the puzzle pieces align and fit well.

With warmth,
Matt

Jess,

Ask him, he should be able to tell you. 🙂 Don’t be afraid to communicate, its what leads us to clarity.

With warmth,
Matt

Tony,

In addition to John’s heartfelt words, consider checking out Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly”. It addresses the core of what you’re describing, which is the emotion of “not good enough as I am” or shame. It clogs up our connection to the world, leaves us feeling isolated and unworthy, hungry for connection… but what connection we do find is stale, tasteless. Its OK though, dear sibling, a ton of people have had the same challenge as you, and the tearing up is actually a great sign. It means that even with all the nothingness and solitude you’ve faced, the candle of hope is still burning.

From there, it just takes time grow. You’ll naturally begin to find better food, so you aren’t starving for connection. Said differently, the lies and isolation and whatnot are just baggage that you’re already in the process of settling. A great first step is opening up to others and finding out you’re not as uniquely lost as you thought! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Danielle,

It wasn’t my intention to call your actions projection… only that you seem to give him the power in the relationship. That’s fine if its what you want, but then its silly to resent him for being who he is. For instance, if he says “where would you like to eat dinner?” And you really want sushi, but say “anywhere you want” then while you’re eating what he wanted, blaming him for not taking you to sushi isnt fitting.

Said differently: Danielle, from your post it seems really clear that you want more than what you have. If you are not clear about your desires, don’t resent him for plodding over them… don’t be confused that they aren’t being met… each partner in a relationship has the task of honoring each others desires by expressing, compromising, and fullfilling each other. You’re two years in, so its not “starting a relationship” at this point. Consider that label or not, your intimacy is romantic and well established at this point. What is it you’re looking for? “Him to change” is a less skillful aim… what would the label bring you that you don’t have now? Exclusiveness? Kids? Living together? If he balks at labels, perhaps he’d be willing to compromise and grow in the same direction… but avoid his hangups on specific words. Artists are often picky about that kind of thing… they see structure as limiting, confining. Its silly, because its actually quite freeing. We have a precise and exactly formed structure for airplanes, for example, and they allow us to fly. A very precisely understood set of boundaries in an intimacy is similar. It let’s us relax, set down the games and the doubt and just fly.

With warmth,
Matt

Elle,

I’m glad John’s words brought comfort, they are wise indeed! It often saddens me to see people afraid of God’s judgement, especially when they are looking to develop skillful wisdom. Consider that perhaps god doesn’t judge children at all… its more like our pain blinds us to beauty, but the beauty is always there. This picture we have of a little man on a throne with a hat and a magic wand deciding who gets joy and who gets damnation? Rediculous! I have children, and when they make mistakes I grieve along side their pain… there is no judgment for children learning how to find love and joy. Said differently, when we make unskillful choices, we feel pain as a way to help us to grow. Our wisdom, our connection to the divine, our concentration, our wings. It is old baggage from mideval europe and earlier that says “grace is in this book and not that book”, “grace is from the church” and so forth. You are seeking to become a better person, and there is no grace stronger than that, dear sister. I hope your days are full of love and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Aaron,

I can understand why it could be confusing to experience your brother like that, and I applaud your desire to help him grow. Consider separating your desires from his, because from there you can get a better idea of what he needs. Said differently, you want him to go to school, you want him to grow, you want him to be a success and get out on his own. A few things came to heart as i read your words.

What does he want? You describe his internet gaming as a confusing addiction. I disagree. What he’s doing is giving him some kind of nourishment… a few moments of happiness or esteem for example. You’re right in noticing it has a cost, such as the bullies and aimlessness. However, if he’s lying to you that probably means you’re leaning on him in a way that is not compassionate, and perhaps judging him. Consider, are you addicted to air? Just because you breathe all the time does not mean its a habit to kick. In the same way, your brother’s seeking happiness is not an addiction, its just he’s looking in a spot that is perhaps not as healthy as others. The goal is not to get him to do what you want, but to help him find a path that brings him happiness in a healthier way. Does that make sense?

Its difficult to nudge our stuck brothers and sisters, because it has to be about them and their desire, rather than our own. If we are cheerleaders, we can help them stay motivated in a good direction. If we try to conduct their growth, they will often rightfully resist our desires through lying and ignoring the pressure… or more directly by telling us to bugger off.

Namaste, friend, I hope you find what you’re looking for… helping our siblings grow is a noble effort indeed!

With warmth,
Matt