Kylie,

I am well, thanks for asking. The grief for my daughter (Aura) is a distant scar at this point, but its also 13 years later. The love is there, the sorrow is there… but its a small ache compared to the gratitude I feel for what she brought, what she helped awaken in me and her mother.

As for the life that is here and now for me, things are going really well. My love for everyone is growing, and as I connect to people I am continually inspired by their love, courage, tenacity and wisdom. Like yours! For instance, I know you see loss and pain, which I see too, and cry a little alongside you. But I also see an incredible mom and woman, who despite a tumultuous background has a heart that beats strong and true. How awesome is that! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

James,

You’re welcome, I’m grateful for the path you’re on. May you find what you seek, brother, for the good of us all.

With warmth,
Matt

TheAwakening,

My dear sweet sister, I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered in the name of god. Your approach to healing is phenomenal, I am deeply moved by the patience and courage you show in looking at what happened… seeking a way to find compassion and the path of letting go. Don’t despair, dear sister, the bee is not a monster, and your heart is clearly strong and bright. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

It is difficult to lay blame for what happened to you on any specific person. Clearly it was not your fault, you were manipulated and controlled by a twisted man. It would be so simple to let that man hold the blame, but whatever conditions grew him to be like that must have been similarly twisted. Perhaps his parents did similar atrocities to him, who learned to behave that way from their parents and so on. Consider those bricks you laid as an unfortunate legacy that was passed down from generation to generation… as twisted hearts and minds growing new children. But, through luck, courage and love, as that burden rests upon your shoulders, you are in the position to let it go, learn compassion, and allow the momentum to settle. Said differently, Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find balance and joy, but once we start looking (as you have) we naturally uproot the past and become free.

That being said, what you have here and now is much like a puzzle or maze. Inside of you is a strong and brilliant goddess, a Buddha, a champion, who carries in her backpack a selection of stones. Said differently, there is no stain that can rest upon your heart, it is more like a tangled web in the mind that simply needs to unravel.

Looking back can help to unpack the backpack, as we compassionately share our heart with the girl with a curtain rod above her head, confused, angry, in pain, and ashamed. I cry alongside you for what happened to her… she was so alone, so unaware of how beautiful she really was. We don’t deserve such punishments for our mistakes (if she even made one)… we deserve a gentle hand, a glowing light which helps us find that path of joy. We can take our arms and enfold them around that girl, tell her its OK to set that rod down, that her pain and confusion is totally understandable… that the man that directed her to act that way was suffering with ignorance of how to love. Of course her body was in pain. Of course she built a tower of resentment and confusion. Of course. Anyone in that situation would have, and there is nothing especially odd or dark, unlovable or unhealable that resulted. Just a child who needed love, and finally, after so many years and years holding that rod over her head, finally receives it from us, here and now.

This is when we can set down the whole of it. It isn’t really a mess of many bricks, its more like learning a language. You were taught an odd language, told it was a language of love and divinity, when really it was a language of judgment and ignorance. So in one sense, we can abandon the whole of it, simply realizing that the language is garbage. As we learn to sing the song of truth and genuine love, eventually our mind switches over and the old is abandoned. Much like when we learn any new language, eventually our thoughts begin to arise in that language, and we dream in it. In this sense, looking backward only happens to find a way to translate, to find a Rosetta stone. Then, its only a matter of remembering that we get to choose the language we speak. Said differently, your past has no power over you except that of habit… because whatever momentum came from then may still influence your chain of present moments. However, as your heart heals, the difference becomes more and more noticeable. Much like the more we think in English, to more noticeable it becomes when we lapse into German or french or whatnot. When we feel self compassion more frequently, it becomes clearer when we have lapsed into other modes of feeling.

Remember to be patient and gentle with yourself. You’re a good person, a loving woman, and there’s no need to sort it all out right now. We don’t have to dive deep into the muck of our past… we can simply keep our eyes open to what is in front of us. We have the seed of joy within us, we could be happy and peaceful in each moment… so if we are not, why? What are we doing instead? What would we rather do? Said differently, it doesn’t matter if you look back or forward, because the light and energy is here and now as you choose what you want to do. Your heart will guide the way, dear sister. If you want to look back and give your current strength to the beautiful little girl you were, go ahead! Its never to late to share our love. If you want to embrace the joy in front of you, go ahead! Its always here waiting for us! If you want to plan a future party, vacation, career or whatever, go ahead! From seed to fruit, we grow our garden. You deserve to find heartfelt fulfilment… there’s no need to be afraid of your desires. Your heart is open and strong enough that any icky desires will naturally erode as you taste them. Said differently, the cruel man with the crappy food and the curtain rod is gone… your exploring and growing and succeeding and failing won’t result in unjust pain. You may trip and skin your knee, but that’s just a little pain and will heal. I doubt you’re afraid of pain at this point.

Namaste, dear one. I hope that the backpack is tossed off and you find your days filled with light, love and joy. You deserve it.

With warmth,
Matt

ImaginativeMe,

I can understand how deeply the suffering of others can impact us, and agree our collective home needs a good scrubbing. Consider that cultivating happiness within yourself is not selfish or self cherishing, rather it honors the suffering of others by increasing the light and love in the world. For instance, if we see a war veteran that lost her legs, it wouldn’t honor her to chop off our own. Rather, we could strengthen our own legs so if she asks us for a push we are prepared to give it. Namaste, friend, you have the heart of a bodhisattva!

With warmth,
Matt

Daria,

Thank you for the kind words in the other thread, and I’m sorry for the suffering that you’re experiencing. I admit that i avoided responding to your post at first because I felt anger for him, and know that it clouds whatever loving words I could offer in support. They settled, and a few things came to heart as I reread your words.

It happens often in relationships that sexual tension and attraction are mistaken for love, and as the sex happens, the cup is drained and the sparkle fades. Said differently, I don’t think the guy was intentionally using you, rather he was just bewildered and entranced by desire. Connecting with others, especially romantically, can put us in almost a dreamlike state that unfortunately pops. Sometimes its from sex and the dissipating chi that happens after orgasm, sometimes from seeing our partner’s humanity (such as them getting mean, failing a task or even pooping). It sucks that it worked out that way in this instance for you, but don’t let it turn your heart cold or cynical. There is a lot of beauty and grace to be found in romantic partnerships.

Next time, consider keeping more of your investment on your side of things. Said differently, have sex when you’re ready, when you feel secure, when you want it… let it be a decision between you and your heart. In this situation, it sounds like your heart was depending on a future that was assured, rather than telling you that your body wanted to engage in union with him. Said differently, sex is beautiful and fun, but if our desire to do it is based on a future promise, then we often feel regret because those futures rarely happen the way we envision them. Instead, we can jump in with faith that whatever the outcome, we are doing what we want to do. Then the outcome isn’t as important. For instance, if you could go back to before having sex with him, would you make the same choice? Was the experience itself beautiful and nourishing? Was he gentle and nurturing? Were you awake and yearning? If in hingsight you’d answer no to these, you were perhaps caught up and not listening to your heart.

In terms of the emotions that arose afterward, I was struck by the way you said you were unable to keep your emotions in. There’s no reason to be ashamed of your emotions, they are a precious gift of living! We all have them, and expressing them (hopefully constructively and safely) helps us let go of all the tension that creates them. It was a big shift for you, of course it would be overwhelming! Grace’s kind words were pertinent, be patient and gentle with yourself.

Namaste, sister, may you find love and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Bodhi,

I’m sorry for the resurgence of suffering, and can understand why you feel like exploring her side of things and the uncomfortable dreams. Sometimes when we take the distraction method of grieving, it only works until a memory or situation arises that triggers us. Consider that part of your heart is still bound up in the situation, and it takes time and forgiveness to untangle.

At this point, contacting her seems like it would be much like giving in to an addiction. You can feel how its unhealthy, yet it pulls at you, calls to you. Consider that perhaps that is normal, and still your wisdom sees it as not the right thing for you. Instead, what you could try is forgiving her and letting her go.

“Whatever the conditions were on my side, I forgive myself for my actions and thoughts that were unhealthy. May I be free. Whatever the conditions were on her side, I forgive her for her actions and thoughts that were unhealthy. May she be free. May we both be peaceful and happy. May we both be peaceful and happy.”

I know you feel the relationship was “the best”, but really it was just “the best so far.” As you forgive her and move on, you’ll make space in your heart for yourself and a new love interest. Said differently, forgiving her doesn’t mean the actions were somehow OK, it means you accept that people do dumb things and wish to be free from your pain that arises because of the actions of another. This lets the view transform from “the best, most loving thing I had until she screwed it up” into “we tried and failed and moved on”.

For the emotional pain of it, consider getting your butt on the cushion and doing some metta meditation. Its a much better fuel than trying to find peace and warmth by beating reasons out of her or yourself. 🙂

Namaste, brother, may you find peace.

With warmth,
Matt

Kewpie,

I’m sorry for the confusion and painfulness you’re experiencing. Its normal and usual to be put off when we see the ones we love seeming to flounder. That it ties into your mutual financial freedom makes it even more confusing… quite naturally. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Sometimes when we see the limitations our parents had, it is quite natural to focus on those qualities. For instance, your father being a coal miner despite his education and intelligence can seem like a wasted potential. I’m struck by how your questions are not about dark depression, thoughts of suicide, inability to find love, or one of a hundred other difficulties your many brothers and sisters on the planet have… so I wonder if your father really did as poorly as you think. There is a strength in you that is sadly more rare than it should be, and honoring the way in which that strength came to be involves looking at your father with more appreciation. I mean this respectfully, because I know how much the mind can grab onto the perception of shortcomings and needlessly overlook the blessings (which is a huge source of our joy)!

When I hear the way your partner spends his time, I am impressed. He helps others, following his inspiration from moment to moment. This is beautiful and rare, and allows the divine to flow through him and bring nourishment to hearts in need. That he hasn’t worked out how to make a career out of it doesn’t strike me as troubling. Is your career well rooted? Maybe he would make a good stay at home dad. Maybe with a little unconditional kind regard from you, it would be easier to find a path that would be nourishing. Who knows? On your side, your grasping at the financial aspect of his development is understandable, but also leads you to feel anxiety that is unneeded.

Consider reading some of Pia Mellody’s work on codependence. She has some great books, and I think they’d strike you well. Basically, if we are trying to change people so they fit our expectations and needs, we dishonor them and us. Instead, we can look hard at our needs and meet them ourselves. Then we’re in a position to figure out how to relate to others in a way that honors our needs and theirs. Said differently, babies and his career are your desires… are they his? What does he want? Isn’t that as important as your own? What’s the compromise? Are you two simply incompatible? Can you love and accept him as is?

Namaste, sis, may love and light blossom along your path.

With warmth,
Matt