Marie,

I’m sorry for the confusion and insecurity you’re suffering with, and can understand why you have doubt. Sometimes when we are insecure, we could be standing in a garden and never really see it, because we’re scared to let it in. Said differently, in the presence of your doubt, perhaps you push his love away, push him away. Even unintentionally, this can be difficult for an intimacy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that “better catch” is perhaps a strange and unnecessary comparison. It makes sense that its there, but give yourself a little credit! You’re smart, devoted, articulate, a loving mom… and you have his heart! That other woman may have seemed to be the one, but when we’re young we’re just figuring our who we are and what we want. For instance, he was sharing his heratsong with both of you (which is normal… you did the same) as he figured out what he wanted. Said differently, just because he was unsure and uncommitted before doesn’t mean that he regrets the commitment he made. With the songs he shared with both of you… that is the same kind of thing. He was sharing the art that sung to his heart, and he wanted to share with both of you. Perhaps you heard it more clearly? It doesn’t mean that its less special, rather it just means he was uncertain. However, those songs were clearly special to you too, which is a great sign of the connection between your hearts. Said differently, perhaps if you see the song as “he shared it with me, which made it special” then it is natural to feel cheapened when you find out that he shared it with another. However, if you see “when he heard the song, it sang to his heart. When he shared it with me, the song also sang to my heart” then you can perhaps see why you two click so well.

Finally, there is often a cooling off after marriage and kids (especially with them so close together). It doesn’t mean that he adores you less… consider that there is a lot of change and growing going on, which can leave us a little tired. If you miss his heartsong, perhaps you could get a sitter and stir up a little romance? Consider that intimacy is a two way street, and if its cooled for you, perhaps its cooled for him as well! He may be missing it just as much or even more than you! Often when we are insecure, the playful spirirt inside us gets too scared to come out and play. He yearns for that goddess… if you just accept the fear, find your courage, and pounce, you may be quite surprised at the result. Namaste, sister, may you find your openness and joy.

With warmth,
Matt

With warmth,
Matt

Michelle,

I can understand why it is perplexing, and how your past experiences fill the void with all sorts of stories as to what he is doing and why. With the relationship being so new, it is very usual to have questions and difficulties with boundaries. Its not abnormal for one or both partners to take a little space away… rather, it seems quite healthy. Much like being in a “man cave”, him being alone is a chance for him to relax, kick back, fart, scratch, and let go. I think a much more interesting mystery to examine is why your mind paints the time with fear. Said differently, unless there are other indications of infidelity or emotional distance, perhaps his taking some space is a great time for you to also let go of the mental stories that play out, and have a fun girls night.

This helps Tuesday become a refreshed meeting of hearts, rather than Monday being a challenge to your sense of security. Said differently, when you settle the fear that he is doing something which harms the relationship, the time away will actually help the intimacy become stronger. Its not healthy to “lose ourselves” in a relationship, and a little time away to breathe can help make sure that doesn’t happen!

Namaste, sister. May you find peace and joy.

With warmth,
Matt

Charli,

I am really impressed by how directly you are regarding yourself, and how wisely you’re approaching your fog. I know it seems dark and foreboding, trying to answer that questions “who am I” “where do I find happiness” and “what do I do now?” However, almost every seeker and dancer along the path of joy encounters that exact knot. Many of us crumple under its weight, as we realize that we have absolutely no clue what we are doing here, how to find genuine nourishment, or what to do with ourselves. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. And the good news is you’re already on it!

That being said, it really doesn’t help much to know that conceptually, because here and now you’re starving. Said differently, the farmer with no food is not comforted much in the spring knowing that in the fall, if the rain and earth cooperate, there will be a harvest. So here and now, the goal is to find food… not in some “where do I take my life” type of way, but “bring warmth into this body, here, now, please”.

For this, you can perform acts of kindness toward yourself. Think short term, here and now… self nurturing actions. Perhaps you could take a bath with candles, or go for a walk in nature, to a museum, to a ballet… find some art and beauty, then do your best to let it in. See how the world expresses itself, naturally or through its artists and dreamers. Or, if you have interest in meditation, consider starting a metta meditation practice. Metta energy is very nourishing, fulfilling, and with some practice we can use our mind to generate it. Consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation” and within a few sessions you may be surprised at just how thin that fog can become when we hold within our bodies the light we’ve been seeking.

Namaste, dear sister. May your spark grow a flame that lights your way down the path of joy. Its easier than you think.

With warmth,
Matt

Sapna,

I’m so happy you had a wonderful experience in Ireland, and can understand the appeal to move there. Sometimes when our surroundings have dulled, such as the career and the romance here, a new horizon can seem refreshing and full of hope and beauty. A few things came to heart as in read your words.

From what I’ve read of your words before now, the main concern that pulses alongside the hope is becoming attached to that man. As though he holds some key to your joy, some aspect of yourself that eats richly from the energy he has to offer. This is not bad, per say, but it will never compare to the richness of your own heart feeding your spirit. Said differently, it is OK to love, dear sister, and to jump into the unknown based on the inspirations of the heart. But sapna, dear dreamer, keep your eyes open. In the past, you’ve closed them tight, ignored your inner beauty, and surrendered your power and happiness to the other. You’ve come so far from that, please do yourself the honor and hold close to the lessons you’ve learned.

From there, its only about what you want. Do you want to move to Dublin? Then do it! There is nothing holding you back. Do you want to try to form a deeper relationship with him? Then do it! If it doesn’t work out, it will feel shitty, but you know what that feels like, you’ve been through it before. Just be cautious, realistic about what you do and where you go. Chicago or Dublin, there is Sapna. With him or without him, there is Sapna. Always needing nourishment, needing to care for herself, keeping to Tue ideals she knows, being the light she wishes to see in the world. Don’t surrender that for him or Dublin, and you’ll be fine. It may or may not work out, and if you are prepared for that, to approach it gently, patiently, and continue the self care (even when he cares for you as well) then what do you have to lose? If you fall and attach like before, it’ll hurt like before. Does it feel different? Do you feel more aware? More wise? Is it worth the potential? If yes, why not jump in?

With warmth,
Matt

Gary,

I’ll certainly try! The idea of “soul” in Buddhism is generally regarded as “no abiding self” or “no individual soul”. Some interpret it as nothing beyond the physical, some as one energy field that isn’t individuated. It really depends on the person you’re asking. My personal view is that before and after death, our spirit is part of a whole. During our lives, that spirit is contained within us, and is itself unaltered. Much like liquid filling a cup is not changed in substance just because of the container, spirit is not changed by filling a body. To address the whole “cycles of lives” and increasing population, I see it as the number of cups expanding, so the net amount of spirit incarnating is increasing, but the river seems endless to me.

The reason this isnt something I spend much time looking at is because there are people all around us who are suffering, and I’d rather look at that. That’s a personal choice, but is also similar to what the Buddha chose. He (or one of his students, I forget off hand) described it like a house on fire. When you wake up and realize the house is on fire, you grab the most important things. Children, pets, memory boxes, etc. So when we develop spiritually, or cultivate our wisdom, perhaps we see that the world is full of suffering people… people missing the joy and beauty that is all around them, stuck in cycles of lamentation, hatred and delusion. My teacher described it like walking through a beautiful garden and jumping at shadows.

So some find it more helpful to aim there… pouring compassion and offering our attention in that direction, because “spirit or no spirit” is more acedemic. What to do with the time we have seems more important. How to cultivate stability. How to nourish ourselves and others. How to find mutual satisfaction. How to overcome habit. And so forth. Things that increase the light and love within the world… tangibly, directly. That’s not to say people who search for answers to soul-nosoul are wrong to do so… if their heart calls them to look, there is probably something for them to find there that will help them on their way.

Does that make more sense? If not, perhaps consider asking for clarity with a little more information about what it is that is confusing or you are curious about rather than just “try again?”. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Sarah,

Thank you for such kind words, and I’m happy that we’ve connected too! Therapists aren’t necessarily good at therapy, unfortunately they’re imperfect beings too, and often have rigidness to the perceptions… especially if they’re not supplementing their therapy practice with a meditation practice. Too many carry a “diagnosis” view of people’s tangles. There are great ones out there, though, and im sorry you didnt find one. C’est la vie. A few quick things came to heart as I read your words.

From the way you describe your grief, it sounds like you do have a good handle on it. That being said, grief has a way of producing cycles in the mind. Said differently, when the painfulness of it overwhelms you, it can burst into all sorts of thoughts which can prolong the grief and turn it into a canker. Buddha taught that lamentation, or cyclical grief, was an unnecessary part of our experiences, and that breathing and awareness allows it to settle.

It reminds me of childbirth. Consider these moments that overwhelm you like contractions, where the mind and body tense up and squeeze. Even though at the peak of it, where pain is deep and vibrant, it seems like the moment is forever, and now we are just going to be in pain forever, the moment settles, the muscles relax, and we find some rest. As it happens, if you can just breathe through it, and instead of it producing ideas of failure, loss, and longing, just “this is the hard labor of letting go” and breathe. The mental and emotional outburst settles, and the pain of it subsides.

Another piece that came to mind was how you may consider the pain of it just, as though it honors your love to hold tight to the pain. After all, he’s your son, and you love him, so shouldn’t you be in a constant state of upheaval as he struggles with making his way? This is faulty thinking, because your pain clouds your mind and heart, making it about you, and so there is less space to make it about him. Said differently, when you can accept that its OK to let go of your grief, you can find that it actually honors your son, because you are using the loss and distance to produce a deeper spiritual awareness. This will make you a better person and mother, because when you are healed, your creativity, passion, love and compassion flow more freely, which will make your hugs to him more rich, full of genuine support, and rooted in clarity and health. Said differently, we are more skillful to others when we honor our bodies by letting the wounds heal, which benefits them much greater than “hanging on” to the pain.

Finally, in my estimation, the baby that you’re birthing is the vision of your son as an adult, in body if not yet in maturity. That’s an awkward transition for both of you, but was inevitable also. Its more painful because of the conditions that surrounded it, so make sure you give yourself extra nurturing as your mind and heart settle and grow. You deserve peace, and even though pain is inevitable, lamentation is optional, avoidable. Keep your heart strong, sister, it beats loud and brilliant.

With warmth,
Matt

Andrea,

In contrast to River’s interesting and curt perspective, consider that there are alternate ways of finding stability than medication. Perhaps leave the answer to “pills or no pills” for another day and consider addressing the lack of motivation directly. Said differently, perhaps you have plenty of energy, but that energy is being eaten up in mental spinning. Instead of distracting yourself, perhaps consider working to help the mind become peaceful and smooth. This can be done most easily through self nurturing, which is why the couch has so much gravity. However, the chatting and TV aren’t that great at nurturing, because they are full of more stories, more chaos and motion. Instead, consider taking a bath, listening to soft instrumental music, or doing a metta practice. Metta is actually the best of the best in my opinion (and that of the Buddha) at helping the mind become peaceful and smooth, and the body refuel its warmth and inspiration. Consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation” and checking a few of them out.

Don’t despair, dear sister. You’ve been through a lot of tumult, and many people would be a little uprooted from the changes. It becomes painful, which pushes you toward avoidance quite naturally, reasonably, especially when your energy is low.

There’s nothing wrong with taking medication in general, but your heart said no. Trust that. Perhaps if other things you try don’t work, your heart will change its mind… but remember pain arises to make us alert… and if we take too many pain killers, we don’t learn the causes and can sometimes injure ourselves even more. That being said, there’s no reason for you to sit in pain either… emotional or otherwise. So, if you can’t even find the motivation to relax more skillfully, perhaps some meds will help you get over the hump and walking again. Namaste, Andrea, may you find your peace and momentum.

With warmth,
Matt

Boo,

Its normal to struggle a little with boundaries when we get close to someone. Perhaps many people wouldn’t be bothered even a little by him calling the bank. After all, he did cause the issue. It bothered you, and that’s totally OK too. We learn from our experiences with one another, and some boundaries aren’t understood until we cross them. Oops!

If the oops really sticks in his mind, such that he seems to be cycling and not hearing your assurance that everything is fine between you, then you can dive a little deeper and tell him how much you love him, including his mistakes, not despite them. How you respect his willingness to try, and how he will inevitably make mistakes. How those mistakes help you two know each other even better, find out more and more about one another, and grow your love and understanding of each other even more deeply, more well rooted. Said differently, you can help him see how these minor issues don’t put distance between you teo, rather, they meet up against your mutual love turn into greater closeness.

And congrats on not making it about you. Bravo!

With warmth,
Matt