Andrew,

Have you called the hotline that was offered to you? It seems perhaps you haven’t, because the emotional blackmail you’re experiencing is not as puzzling as you make it out to be, and can be dealt with. Perhaps reconsider calling them, they really are experts and can help a lot. Amy’s heartfelt advice is well intentioned but poor… when suicide is involved, there is a process. Cold Turkey could make it a lot worse. Much like cold turkey from alcoholism can lead to stroke.

Right now, you’re not actually helping her… you’re enabling her. That’s very different. No matter what is happening on her side, your response is not yet skillful. If she has no intention of suicide, all she needs to do is threaten it and she milks you for energy (financial, emotional, time, attention etc). If she is intending suicide, then your crutch isn’t helping her find freedom from that intention. So, you’re playing a difficult game poorly, and losing. Its not your fault, many would do the same thing. However, that’s why it is important that you GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. For your sake, and hers.

With warmth,
Matt

Marie,

I’m sorry for your suffering and negative self talk, and know how difficult it can be when it seems we are at odds with our mind. Sometimes when we get stuck making comparisons between ourselves and others, the mind naturally responds in such a way. Don’t despair dear sister, because not only is there an end to the self talk, but you are far more beautiful than you realize. This isn’t a platitude, its a piece you’re overlooking that came to heart as soon as I read your words.

Consider that perhaps what is happening is that you’re seeing everyone’s beauty. Men, women, children… as they come into your view, you see how magical and radiant they are. Because of the low self image you have, it turns into this inferiority feeling. That’s OK, that is something we can address. However, it is actually a jewel you have in your heart and mind, dear sister, to see goodness and beauty in those around you.

The knot which transforms that beauty into inferiority is the ignorance of the subjective nature of beauty. Said differently, there is no “thing” out there that represents perfect and true beauty. For instance, if you can feel inferior to blonds, brunettes and redheads, obviously not one shade and hue of hair is “right”. If you can feel inferior to a man, a woman and a child, then no age or gender coild be “right”. Perhaps when you see a person, notice how beautiful they are, notice how different they are from you, the differences between yourself and them feels like it decreases your status. Said differently, perhaps you are open to their beauty, appreciate their sparkliness, and instead of compassion you feel envy. This naturally erodes as you make more space in your heart to simply let their beauty be something you can appreciate without the comparison.

The real magic is how it happens inside you with almost everyone. I know from your side of the maze, that it may seem disorienting… because now everyone sparks the icky feeling. But it also means you’re seeing their beauty. That can’t be stressed enough, because many of our brothers and sisters spend their time judging and disparaging our family. It took me years to find and grow what you have naturally!

For this inferiority feeling, let’s dig a little deeper. Consider that each one of us has a unique path to find, a harmony of genetic and environmental factors to understand and grow within. This inherently means that each one of us, from the size, shape and color of our bodies to the social and scientific information in our brains, exists as a blank canvas for our will to work with. Each of these factors can become a source of appreciative joy, as we let the conditions around and within us become the brushes we use to shift and sway with the world around us. Said differently, the reason what you have is such a jewel is because as you settle your envy/inferiority, when you look out at the people around you, the perceptions which have been fueling that icky feeling will become wonder, curiosity and joy. Consider that if you were well fueled, such as having a positive self image, this beauty you see in others will be magnificent for you.

From another angle, consider envisioning a beautiful sunrise. The crispness of the air, the way light and color streak across the sky, the gentle buzz of life awakening from its slumber. How beautiful! Now imagine an actress you envy. Her graceful flowing hair, round curves, social activism, penetrating eyes, radiant smile. How beautiful! But, they are also completely different… yet both can produce and connect to the sense of beauty inside us. The same happens for me when I add you to the exercise. My dear sister, with her open eyes seeing beauty all around her, seeking a path of inner peace and stability, growing day by day. How beautiful! Do you see? The beauty is in us! Its in our openness and appreciation of the qualities and conditions we’re seeing, not in the hair or the sun or the growth or the boobs or the abs or whatever. Like a sunrise, each of us is similar, completely different in the manifesting conditions, and beautiful to anyone who stops and lets us in.

For me, resting in this view, in this understanding, removes all envy and let’s my beauty and the beauty that surrounds me flow deep into my heart. Then its actually kind of funny… I hope others see my beauty for their sake… much like I hope they stop to take in a sunrise now and then, because what magic this world can be when we open to it!

With warmth,
Matt

Douglas,

I’m sorry for the chaos and meaninglessness you experience, and know how difficult it can be to maintain the momentum for a dream our heart does not get behind. Sometimes when we’ve tried and given up many dreams, we feel a fear that there is no dream in our heart, that no path offers us joy. Don’t despair, dear brother, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

There is a term that is often now thrown around casually called namaste. It means, basically, that the Buddha in me bows to the Buddha in you. Its used as an honorific, as a greeting. For me, however, it represents a fundamental truth of humankind. Inside each of us rests the potential to become a buddha… to become a hero of love and light. However, as you’ve noticed, our mind can be chaotic and heavy. Thoughts race here and there… our failures accumulate into criticism, self immolation, and panic. This is normal and usual, and there is nothing about you that is odd or unusual. Yes, you are stuck. Yes, you have a chaotic mind. That’s fine, it happens to most of us. The problem most of us face is we think its because of the outside. The shitty grocery job you hate, the loss of momentum in basketball, the wishing to sleep for years… these are not the source of your problems, they are the symptoms. This is actually good news, because a good job or a dream you can follow is also not the solution. The solution is learning to quiet your mind, to intentionally cultivate happiness inside you. Then, grocery or basketball, here or there, sleeping or awake, you will carry your happiness with you.

My guess is that you are highly empathetic. Said differently, perhaps why the dreams have faded so quickly for you is because you intuitively know that the result won’t bring you joy. This is such a great starting point, brother, because it allows us to sidestep the trap of materialism. Said differently, because your dreams have failed to come true, you’re in a place to see that dreams coming true doesn’t bring us happiness. The happiness is inside us or not, depending on what we do with the time we have.

That being said, its all just hibbity jab theory until something actually changes in the way we feel and think. You asked for a starting point for your path of recovery, and that starting point is putting your butt on a meditation cushion and learning how to wield your body. That’s where the magic is, dear brother, not in money or fame. Consider a two part solution. The first is in learning to concentrate your attention, which is done through breath meditation. Consider searching for “ajahn jayasaro counting breaths” on YouTube. This will provide a practical, doable instruction on using your brain to concentrate. Often, (such as attempts to meditate in the past) instead of using the cushion to our benefit, it unintentionally becomes a time where we just bounce through thoughts over and over, like watching a chaotic movie with no plot. However, intention is not enough, it needs to be skillful intention. So, start with counting breaths, and as you learn what a quiet mind is like, you can switch to just breath meditation.

The second aspect of the path of healing is a metta practice. Consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation” and checking out (following along with the actions and visuals described) a few of them. Metta is the energy of loving kindness, and is the fuel our heart needs. You complain that you feel icky and stagnant, which seems like a never ending swamp of broken dreams and visions. Its not. That’s just the feeling that arises when we are emotionally hungry, and do not know how to find food. Metta is the food. What metta will do is turn your mind away from the outside as a source of light, as though a better job, a more vibrant dream will give you the joy you seek. Instead, it grows the light inside you, so that no matter where you go, the light will be inside you, the joy deep and strong.

If you were to consider these as the equivilent of physical therapy exercises, don’t despair if the results at first seem to fade quickly or are difficult to stabilize. It takes time. My suggestion would be to do about 20-30 minutes of metta practice as early in the day as you can, then counting breaths for 10 minutes immediately following if you can. This will help your mind become calm, peaceful and smooth, which will make it fertile to experience the joy that is available all around and within you. Even only a week of such a practice should provide a lot of relief and change, and you deserve such tender care after the shadowy path you’ve been through.

Good luck, and feel free to ask more questions! Its a great way to learn. Namaste, brother.

With warmth,
Matt

Kitty,

I’m sorry for the misery you’re experiencing, and hope you find your inner light and joyousness. Sometimes when the world around us seems harsh we get into a mentality that joy is unavailable to us. Please don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy.

Consider for a moment that many of us, when we are in pain, blame others for that pain. I am so sorry that you’re miserable, and I mean this with the intention of helping you find freedom, the misery arises on your side, from your perceptions and interpretations. If you imagine the Buddha, sitting in a quiet minded state of enlightened bliss, when the step kids or husband said things and did things, he wouldn’t lose his peace. Their words and actions would be seen, but they would never be about him, not taken personally. It can only happen this way when we are well nourished, secure in our own heart and mind.

Said differently, the problem isn’t in your husband, your step kids, your in laws… its that you’ve been nourishing yourself from them, and they are not a good food for you right now. It makes sense that youre lonely, and wish to be loved in a certain way. Unfortunately, most people are busy with their own lives, with their own issues… and so the love we receive is whatever scraps they have left. When we rely on others for love in that way, we are constantly disappointed, thirsty, and low. Instead, we can cultivate self love. Said differently, we can learn to grow loving warmth within our own heart independent of the situation we’re in.

Before you can really start that process though, you have to have some detachment from what is around you. Consider:

“I feel miserable because others treat me poorly.”

This makes us a victim of others behavior, and isn’t even true! Now consider:

“I feel miserable, and others seem to treat me poorly.”

It may seem like a small shift, but it makes a huge difference. It opens up the potential for:

“I feel joyous and happy, and others seem to treat me poorly.”

From there, the actions of others are about them… they might push and pull at your happiness, but they don’t cause or prevent it.

The goal or aim then becomes “how do I grow my happiness directly?” or “how do I deepen and strengthen my joy independently of my environment?” Kitty, my dear and distant sister, this is the question, the arising curiosity that moves us into bliss, peace and light. You have a choice, and always have, but many of your decisions thus far have deepened your misery instead of relieving it. Consider when your husband was on the phone. You turned up the TV to send him a message?!? That was dumb, petty, and manipulative. It is not good for us to push people around like that, and while his reaction was equally unskillful, it is not surprising. That being said, if his “punch” was one of a pattern of abuse, there is no reason for anyone to endure it. However, when we poke a bee hive, we don’t act offended that the bees sting us. We poked it. My suggestion is to stop poking the people around you, turn inward, and start growing your happiness directly.

This is done most swiftly through self nurturing. The best form I know is metta meditation, which is a way of using our mind and body to grow our inner warmth. Consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation” if you’re interested. Set down the baggage of husband, children, future, past, in laws… and target the feeling of misery directly. Let the other big things wait for a little while as you rekindle the inner girls warmth and happiness. Those other things can wait for a little while, set down the list, the big life direction changes. Here and now, there is the potential to find freedom, and it happens internally, not out there.

Namaste, sister, may you find your inner light.

With warmth,
Matt

Lost,

Yep, you made some dumb choices. Its normal to do so, and you’re nothing special or unique in your ignorance. Buddha taught that we have a fundemental ignorance of how to find balance and joy, and it is within our mistakes that many of the rich lessons are revealed and learned. I agree with jade, not that she isn’t awesome, but your insistence that she was a once in a lifetime find is, frankly, over-dramatic and ignorant. What you’re really saying is that every woman out there is less than her, and that is a cloud that needs settling. No wonder you’ve had issues finding another resonant spirit! You’ve already decided they are lesser! Who wants to be seen as lesser?

I wish to be respectful, but there are some hard words that seem right to say. This game you played with her was incredibly dumb. Punish her for not making up her mind? My wife sometimes takes a month just to figure out what kind of winter coat she wants. Some people take time to commit, and withholding and punishing and acting like she was a doof for not “getting in line” is soooo unkosher. Rediculous really. Don’t get me wrong, I get what you were trying to do… you were trying to build stability and connection. If she is wishy washy, withhold your heart and get her to come to you. It makes sense, but it is also dumb. If she is wishy washy, love her and the wishy washy… give assurance, understanding, space, and compassion. Said differently, always give your all, shine your light, and the wishy washy naturally erodes and grows into a strong and lasting connection.

Finally, stop beating yourself up. You did dumb things and lost a potential. That is life. This “once in a lifetime” girl nonsense simply isn’t right. There are lots of women who like video games and sex and music and whatnot. I think the problem is you were kind of an asshole to the divine feminine (through your games with the girl) and perhaps you have yet to find genuine repentance. Said differently, you spent time being an asshole, now you smell like an asshole, and until you figure out how to be kind, gentle, and supportive to women, your stink may repel the women you would find pleasing. So, spend some time in the shower scrubbing. Directly, spend some time looking at how you judged and manipulated, but how you did so out of ignorance, not maliciousness. You have a great heart, brother, and we all make mistakes. Sure, you won’t find another like her, but only because we’re all unique. You’ll find one that helps your body sing in time.

With warmth,
Matt

Kitty,

Other people don’t have to fulfill our expectations. They have their life to live, their song to sing. Respectfully, it seems like you don’t have much compassion for many of the people around you. For most of us, this leads us to become under nourished. I’ll do my best to explain.

Consider the daughter for a moment. You seem to be saying “she has not earned my love, instead she has wounded me deeply.” Consider your husband for a moment. He didn’t want to go to the wedding because of various things, and so now you refuse to go and see his brother. These seem to be at the root of your difficulties. “I will give back after I receive” or “tit for tat” is a losing strategy. It is like a farmer who curses the soil for not bearing the right kind of fruit, so she refuses to plant more seeds. Then next season, the ground yields no fruit, and she curses again and refuses to give the soil her seeds. No wonder she’s hungry!

Kitty, you’re going about this all wrong. Love isn’t something that grows from being loved often, it grows from giving love often. So your step daughter is being shitty… give her love instead of judgment. So the husband doesn’t want to go to the wedding where he feels he has to pretend to be happy. So help him find his happiness! Right now, the vision that comes into my heart is a stubborn woman who refuses to smile until someone smiles at her. However, its your smile that brings joy to their faces! So instead of being the light of love in the world, you are letting time and opportunity slip through your fingers waiting for someone to show you the right type of kindness. Sister, that will get you nowhere.

I suggest a different strategy. Consider spending time wishing your husband, your step children, and your in-laws to be happy, to be well, and to be well loved. This will soften your heart, open your mind, and let you become the nourishment you’re seeking. Said differently, perhaps it is not others who are the problem, perhaps its those expectations. Let them go, and the joy that surrounds you will naturally inspire you and those around you. Then, the soil will produce many juicy and wonderful fruit. Right now, you’re so caught up in how others “should behave” that you’re drying up whatever chance you have of producing a garden! Said differently, when your heart is feeling empty and you’re seeking hope and fulfillment, its not the job of others to give that to you… its up to you, your heart, and the gentle girl the rests inside you, waiting to awaken. Namaste, sister, may you find joy and nourishment.

With warmth,
Matt

Jeff,

This reminds me of a story of the Buddha. One day an angry man yelled at the Buddha, and the Buddha just smiled serenely. This infuriated the man, who asked why he didn’t respond, defend, get agitated. The Buddha said “if someone were to give you a gift and you were to refuse it, would the the item be yours?” The man said of course not. “Similarly, the gift of anger you bring me is refused, and so it remains yours.”

Other people’s venom and suffering isn’t ours, it is theirs. If we accept the gift, its like drinking their poison. Sometimes when we’re feeling grief, we write with the hopes of our feelings being validated, of our sorrow being shared, our suffering consoled. When we are rebuked instead, oh how our mind reels! However, you can also simply refuse the gift (with practice), after all, if someone handed you a pile of poop and told you to eat it, wouldn’t you laugh and say no way? Why then would you take his crappy words and eat them?

Namaste, brother, I hope you find peace.

With warmth,
Matt