Breathe Deeply,

Becoming mindful, or developing the quality of concentration seems to be what you’re looking for. It very naturally waxes and wanes as we begin to blossom, and is quite often the spark that precedes a life of practice and study. It may seem mysterious right now, why it comes and goes, but its actually not random at all. Something brings you to alertness, such as the realization of your place in spacetime. A body, making choices, feeling desire… I’d call that being “in tune”. Then, a distraction comes up, and it pulls at your concentration, and you fall “out of tune”. When we’re out of tune, it is like watching a movie. We get distracted away from ourselves and swept up into the fantasy around us. Usually, if you’re living in the west, the distraction is materialism. Sporting events, shiny toys, news, gossip, sexual craving… getting swept into emotional and mental fixation on these types of things pulls us away. Much like when we are sitting at a movie theater watching an engaging movie, we are usually not conscious of our breath, that we are sitting, that we are watching. Instead, our minds are spun into the fantasy of the story, pulling our attention away from what we are actually doing.

The good news is that you’re coming to this so young. It means that your habits don’t necessarily run too deep. If you think you’re getting sucked back into mindlessness powerfully now, imagine how strong the pull would be 30 years into life. Anyway, to strengthen your mindfulness is not difficult, but it does require consistent practice.

If you’re sick enough of the mindlessness, then starting a practice will be easy. The ick of it naturally moves you toward a mindful life. Consider checking out a local Buddhist sangha and taking some meditation classes. They’re usually very low cost or free, and meditation is the exercise that increases mindfulness. If you don’t have a local sangha or conditions otherwise prevent it, consider learning from some guided meditations on YouTube. My suggestion would be to start with metta, then go into breath meditation. Perhaps 15 minutes of metta, the 15 of breath if you can sustain your attention that long. Even starting 5 and 5 would help. This provides a “basic sanity” or “groundedness” that makes the moments of mindfulness the norm, and the mindlessness the exception. Perhaps now it is more random or unknown how to get there… much like a broken clock is right twice a day?

Good luck, friend! Feel free to ask more questions if you have them! Also, teachers at local sanghas are also a great resource to finding a balanced and awake life.

With warmth,
Matt

Abe,

Sometimes when we are building muscle and flexibility, the stretching and weight seems taxing. This is normal, usual, as resistance builds strength. It seems to me you have lots of options, but any of them will require your growth. You could work on detaching your base chakra from the home, and work on it independently of the conditions around you. This could be from a number of poses and breathing techniques, or perhaps some hemitite or black tourmaline (which help with grounding). Or, you could work on your assertivness (sacral) and work to create a path of compromise and mutual fulfillment. Either path won’t be easy, but if it was easy, you’d probably get bored! 🙂

From your response, it doesn’t seem like you understand metta. Metta meditation is the strongest and simplest method for refueling the heart chakra. Said differently, as we brush up against difficult experiences, we expend energy to digest them. This can leave us hungry, which feels like depression, mental spinning, and overwhelmed. Consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation”. This will directly increase your inner happiness, as well as help to make your mind peaceful and smooth. Consider tagging it onto the start of your yoga practice, as going into yoga with peaceful mind can help the efficacy of the practice.

I know it can seem like the problem is external, and so the solution must have to arise in the external, but that makes us a victim to the decisions and energies of others. Lucikily, that just isn’t the case… the problems and solutions can be found internally, and its no wonder to me that you’ve found yourself in a place where the universe is helping you turn inward to find a lasting peace. Please give metta meditation a try. Even two weeks with 30 minutes a day and the change will be noticeable, beautiful. Especially for one who can feel their base wobble! Being energy sensitive is fantastic, but perhaps what you really need is some better food than arranged furniture. With some effort and patience, you can open a connection that allows you to pull in the energy of happiness directly, which circumvents the need for others to align to our desires in order for us to remain balanced.

Namaste, dear sibling, may you find your path of love and light sparkling in front of you.

And, you’re never alone, gentle one… divine light is always right there, waiting for a listening ear, an open mind to inspire, a prayer to answer. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Abe,

Al anon is for codependency issues, which it seems like you may be struggling with at the moment. Mostly, it seems you have a difficulty with boundaries. As a yoga teacher, perhaps you have developed energy sensitivity, and now are being given help in using your energy in a healthy way when off the mat. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that you’re taking in their energy. This is pretty normal, especially with your living there. However, if you intentionally keep your heart chakra open (consider matsayasana per/post encounters or metta meditation with her as the recipient) then her energy won’t become invasive to your own. Said differently, the danger in corrosive people isn’t their energy, its the way their energy appears to be corrosive, and therefore we close the heart to “protect it” and end up feeling the heaviness of apathy and judgment. When the heart stays open, it is much more like watching a crippled sister hobble her way through experiences, and the softness and gentleness of our inner light remains strong.

One mental trick that can be used to help the heart remain open is to contemplate her as a teacher, giving you the gift of awareness. Much like a fire can bring light to a dark room, her fiery energy is revealing your areas of clinging, your dark corners where you still judge and condemn others for their suffering. Consider that it may be a little painful to experience her, but it is far more disoriented and painful to be her.

Then, instead of cowering away from her and passively hiding, perhaps your heart will lead you to say what needs to be said, to shine what light is needed, to help your sister break free. Even if she rejects it, from your side the offering will grow your heart stronger and keep your mind flexible to weather your experiences with joyousness.

Said differently, when people over assert and try to manipulate us, we don’t have to be offended. Instead, we can nod and smile and accept that is their grasping, their issue, and their suffering. Then when we respond to it, we do so from a grounded and self assured place. For instance, “I don’t like being spoken to in such a way”… fireworks from her side… “you sound upset. How painful it must be to get so upset just because someone won’t do what you want!”

That being said, there is no reason life needs to be an endurance trial. Sure, Buddha might be able to sit and love her without being disturbed, but if that’s not a lesson you wish to learn right now, consider looking for different accommodations. I’m not sure its your right to tell her she can’t do this or that in the space, as it seems like its under his control, not yours. Said differently, it is always awkward when you complain about a meal at someone else’s table.

With warmth,
Matt

In addition to Kinny’s heartfelt and pertinent insight, consider that because you’ve both been friends for so long, that its very possible that your dreams are coming true. This can be exciting and scary. On one hand, you know each other well. On the other, you may be feeling extra pressure to make it work. This can lead to a lot of outbursts, and “as a friend, you never did such and such”. Just remember that as a friend, not as much was at stake, and therefore there was less fear.

Consider making an alliance with him against the anger that comes up between you two. “My love, when I get scared, for some reason I become angry and say words that come from fire. I don’t want that to happen in our intimacy, and they’re not actually true. They seem true at the time, but as the anger fades, I see that they were just my heart clouded by anger. Can we work together to rid our connection of those moments? I don’t like them either.” Then, in the moments that are not flaring… do your best to make amends for what has been said, and look together for what it was that sparked the fire.

Many people feel that they have to heal these things before they are lovable. On the contrary, it is through love that we find healing. For instance, if you two love each other potently, then the fights, outbursts and angry words are an anomoly that you can examine together and put to rest.

With warmth,
Matt

Priscilla,

Thank you so much for opening up and sharing more of your story with us. I’m so sorry for the abuse you went through, and your anger and confusion is understandable. I’m impressed with your strength, and how directly you are able to look at all of it. Don’t despair, gentle one, there is always a path toward joy. Said differently, there is always a way in which we can let go of the past so we can be happy here and now. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The experiences you went through were painful. Let’s face it, what happened to you was bullshit. You didn’t deserve that kind of treatment, and what he did was wrong. His issues caused him to lash out in terrible ways, and left you with some wounds and scars that remain painful to this day. The worst is perhaps the injustice of it all, how little girls want to be seen as a princess, and there you were being treated like a demoness. Even with the incredible accomplishments and grades, did his view of you change? Nope. What the hell! How is that fair?

It wasn’t fair. What he did was dumb, ignorant and unskillful, and it left an imbalance. Said differently, as you went through countless moments where it was not safe for you (and the extra knife jab of your brother not being assaulted… grrrr!) in order to survive it, you surpressed a lot of emotions and thoughts. Thoughts like “don’t treat me like this” “just love me” “you’re a fucking asshole” “why can’t you just be kind” “don’t you care about me” “stop. Stop!” and so on. Maybe you did express some of them, and it only made it worse. So instead they were suppressed. The anger, the frustration of the injustice, the yearning, the hope… all compressed into little nuggets and stuffed down deep.

From a different angle, perhaps you understand the brain enough to relate to what is present without subjective contextual aim. The brain stores data in a web of associations, both in anaylitical and emotional forms. Right now, where “father” interweaves in that web is a ton of anger and despair. It gets plucked, and the associations fire off and make your body react. Much like Pavlov’s experiment, where a bell would be rung alongside meat powder, and eventually the association would form so the dog’s body would respond to the bell as if the meat powder was present even when it wasn’t. For us, its a little more complex, but is approximately the same. Even when your dad isn’t there to abuse or control you, if the web gets struck by an image or memory, it can produce the same associated emotions.

Biologically, compassion is the solution the web. Compassion arises when we give the space for things to be what they really are, and let our body take in the truth. We have to pass through the veil of anger first, however, and that can be tricky. Emotional suppression is like those cartoons where an enormous amount of stuff is crammed into a closet, and when someone comes along and opens the door, all the stuff explodes out into the room. Perhaps you have so much anger that for years and years you had to choke down or it would be worse. Now, though, your environment is safe. You have grown a little garden, and even though you’re scared you’re going to burn it, its OK for your emotions to come out. A zen catharsis trick is something I’ve found to be helpful in ridding my body of corrosive emotions like anger. When I felt my anger arising from the abuse I experienced as a child (physical, emotional and sexual abuses) I would follow the zen advice and scream, beat my hands onto pillows, swear and flail. Just get it out! The anger empties, the closet loses its pressure, and then the ideas can be approached with patience, and we can sort out the mess.

Consider that a healthy person doesn’t abuse others. I wonder what terrible things your dad went through to create such pattern in him. In the hospital bed, when he was raw and weak, the little kid in him came to the surface and wept from some simple comforting. Much like you weep when you see some simple television images. Of course, as soon as his body and mind regained strength he was back to his old games. They may fool others, but they won’t fool me. There’s a sad and lost kid inside there, buried deep under layers of suppression and years of being abused. Said differently, I wonder how terrible his journey was that it twisted him into such a being. Resting in that curiosity can release a lot of that inner conflict, because then you can begin to see how much stronger you are than him, and how here and now you are working the righteous work of settling the abuse that has been passed down from our ancestors and their ignorance of how to find balance and joy.

With warmth,
Matt

Kinny,

When I was jesting about being lazy, I only meant that YouTube has a lot of great guided meditations, and is very searchable. Perhaps “Sharon Salzburg metta meditation” would resonate with you. In regards to trusting, I think you’re a lot closer to it than you think.

Consider that Buddha taught about impermanence, or how all things are constantly changing. For me, its easiest to approach it with the concept of death. We know that death is an inherent part of living… all beings we know of so far exist for awhile, then fall apart as time passes. So, for instance, if I were to say that tomorrow I will post a link for you, then tonight I die, would you consider me untrustworthy? That you were wrong to believe I would post a link? Perhaps you would say “it didn’t happen as I thought it would because of forces out of our control”. It wouldn’t be regarded as me slighting you in any way, somehow failing you for dying before I could follow through on my intention and promise.

Buddha also taught about karma, or the law of cause and effect. For instance, here and now you want your heart to open, you want to be free from whatever is holding you back, but you can’t find it. That force which is holding you back is not random or without cause. It has a cause, and an effect. Does that make sense? So, in order for you to be free from that tangle (the effect) the cause has to change. Now, there’s little point in blaming you or thinking less of you because you have that tangle… you’re my sister, seeking joy and balance, a path of safety and light. So why bother inviting pain into my heart just because of your karma? Even if you were to respond to my post saying “Matt, you’re a douchebag” any pain I feel from your words would be from my wanting you to see me favorably.

Instead, what we can do is trust that whatever you said was because of the conditions. Perhaps you read my words wrong. Perhaps my words didn’t knit together in the way intended them. Perhaps I was acting like a douchebag. Whatever the causes, I can just breathe in your words and give them back to the flow of time. They don’t really mean anything except that some tangle arose between us that either or both of us experienced.

With your ex, the same forces apply to his side. He didn’t cheat for no reason, he cheated because of a whole symphony of reasons. Those reasons pushed and pulled at him and lead him to make choices that were really bad for the intimacy he had with you. Who knows what those reasons are… low self esteem, lack of commitment, low impulse control, closed heart, strong sexual urges… any number of forces all mash together. The was his karma, and why bother with blaming him for having it? He has his, you have yours, I have mine… its just how it is.

What happens as we dance along that view is that we stop associating trust with met expectations. For instance, we trust a snake to act like a snake. So it never even occurs to us to expecte a snake not to bite us. Its in their nature, so we remain careful. We can love the snake wholeheartedly, because we know that their trying to bite us is just in their nature. People fail to meet our expectations, that’s just in their nature. They make mistakes, we all do. However, the conditions around us are different. Said differently, you have learned a little more about your ex’s nature, and see he doesn’t make good sexual decisions and betrays confidence… but that is him, not “all men”. Many men, if not most, would never make the choice he did.

The friends are subeject to the same deconstruction. They didn’t avoid telling you for no reason, or randomly. They avoided telling you for a whole symphony of reasons. Much like you want to open to the joy but are struggling, they perhaps wished to tell you but were unable to overcome their side, their karma. This doesn’t mean that friends can’t be trusted… that’s just your anger making their issues about you. Instead, those friends just didn’t tell you for whatever reasons. You could ask them, if you’re curious, or just forgive them, accept that for whatever reason they didn’t. Perhaps it was too awkward. Perhaps they were sworn to secrecy. Perhaps they don’t like you very much. Perhaps they didn’t want to be the one to crush your world. Who knows, and each of them might have withheld for different reasons. We don’t really need to know the specifics, only that they are not random, or uncaring. They all have hearts, and those hearts struggle to bloom, just like yours and mine. So they vascilate between wisdom and ignorance, compassion and selfishness.

The key is half seen by you already, that words don’t make the future, they’re just words. However, that doesn’t make it random. There are causes, dear sister, and when you can accept that we are all subject to them, then it won’t interrupt your joyousness when someone fails or dies or cheats. Instead, a deep trust can be forged that we have the ability to meet people and their tangles with openness and joy. A snake bites you, it hurts, you heal. The snake is a snake. The grass is covered with dew, you slip and fall, it hurts, you heal. The grass was being grass. All the while, we cry at the pain and smile at the sun, but don’t get ensnared by the grass or the snake “betraying us”. Why bother? On their side, they are just being grass, a snake a person… doing their best to grow, slither, or find balance and joy.

With warmth,
Matt

Kinny,

I’m sorry for the suffering and painfulness you’ve been going through, and can understand why there is a membrane between you and the world. Pain has a way of doing just that… where once we were free and trusting, after getting burned we are cautious and suspicious. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Its seems to me that you’re blaming others for making you feel crappy. The boyfriend cheated, the friends turned away, and you got pissed off. It can sting to hear, but those people didn’t create your suffering, you did. Buddha taught that its our attachments that produce our suffering… such as your mental pain and spinning, the membrane, the loss of inspiration. Those are all inside you, and on your own shoulders. This may seem like a terrible thing to say, but it is actually very freeing. I reject (and hope you reject alongside me) this whole notion of “Kinny the victim”. People do dumb things… its our choice whether we hold it against them or not. You still hold it against them, and you suffer.

Said differently, your heart wants to love, but you stop it… because people can’t be trusted. This is only because you wish for them to give back like you would! But how can they? They only have what they have, and when their friend cheats on their other friend, can they really be blamed for shying away? From having their own membrane? Look at how much courage and mental effort it took to confront your ex… those friends of yours would have had to find the same need and same courage… and they didn’t. That’s life, my dear sister, not everyone is strong enough or wise enough to make loving choices all of the time.

For you and me, here and now, its up to us to love them anyway… to make space in our heart and mind to accept them as is. We don’t do it for them, though they do receive benefits. We do it for us, so that we can have the freedom being compassionate affords. Consider that if you accept that love brings joy in the giving, then instead of looking for people that will love you, you can begin to find your unconditional love for them. This happens when you look at the world without intention for it to change. To simply see it as is, what is there, glad to have working sense organs, a good mind and a beating heart.

These long term things… relationship, career, next year, ten years… they are good dreams, good to keep a finger pointing in some direction. But your joy won’t come from those. Wisps of happiness do, but joy arises as your heart opens and you love unidirectionally outward. The rest is like icing, like dessert. Its great to have such wonderful blessings like being in a relationship with a loving man that gives you attention and his passion, but its your own light that stabalizes and gives the rhythm to the tune around you. You are the one that turned it down because of the deception, which I do want to add that it is totally normal to do so, but its in the turning down that the joy recedes… it only seems like it was from the deception from your partner.

As for the metta meditation… don’t be lazy! 🙂 YouTube, search for “guided metta meditation” and so forth. There are lots of good ones out there, and its OK to trust your heart and choose. You know the difference between warm and cold, you’ve felt it. Similarly, you know the difference between your open heart and closed heart… you’ve felt it. Pick one, see if it helps your heart warm, and go from there. After you do some metta, and be prepared to laugh at yourself for how much chaos and confusion was created over something that dissolves so easily. Said differently, the membrane is only there until we poke it, then we realize it was a paper tiger the whole time. Namaste, sister, may your frozen soil of winter thaw for the gentle blooms of spring.

With warmth,
Matt