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MattParticipantSia,
Consider then “Sharon Salzburg guided metta” for a specific meditation that may resonate with you. I would say at first, if you can swing it, aim for a full half hour for the first week, then see how it goes. Consider that as you meditate, you are fueling your heart. Much like a breakfast eaten helps your energy throughout the day, metta helps the joy and fluidity. Said differently, taking the time to eat breakfast actually helps the tasks get done by keeping you full of energy. Metta does the same.
A quote attributed to Martin Luther King Jr (but I don’t know if he said it) is “I am so busy that if I didn’t spend an hour praying every morning, I don’t know how I would get it all done.”
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantSelina,
You seem to me like an artist, a dreamer… someone with a vivid imagination and a sparkly vision. Consider how much wonder passes before your eyes! Sure, for now it is all the things that you’d like to do but are scared to do, but that fear will erode with time. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Dreaming can be a double edged sword sometimes. On one hand, it is very creative, and helps us excel at art in its many forms. On the other, we can imagine ourselves into a box, into a corner. It sounds like this is what is happening to you. Consider that as you imagine what could happen, you paint a lot of emotion all over it. This includes the joy, but also the fear. For instance, if you wanted to go to a group meeting where people with the same interests as you talk and share, your mind might start up a fantasy of what that might look and feel like. All the people, sharing and laughing. People looking at you, perhaps deciding you’re no good, or sluggish, or dumb. All of those paintings are reflections of your inner desires and inner image. Said differently, when you dream that someone will see you as dumb, it is because you feel that you’re dumb. When you dream of people sharing and laughing, it is because you long to laugh and share. Our dreams are mirrors of our heart in that way.
However, there is still the fear that prevents you from acting on your desires. That is normal, and very usual for a dreamer. Consider that we all feel fear, and courage is the resolve that moves us to do it anyway. Imagine climbing a mountain for a moment. “Oh, its sooo hard to climb.” Yep. It is difficult to climb a mountain. Our confidence arises when we accept the difficulty, and climb it anyway. Its difficult for all of us, especially at first. Said differently, yes, of course fear is scary. Of course its scary to open up to people, and can be awkward. So what? Fear is only an emotion, it doesn’t have to prevent you from doing what you want. It may always be scary. I feel some fear here and now, opening my heart to you. “What if she is hurt by my words?” “What if my heart is wrong?” “What if I say the wrong things?”. Chatter, ignored, because the potential of helping my dear sister overcome a tangle that inhibits her joy? Well worth it. And that’s the key… your desires are worth following, my dear sister, because after the fear passes, the love and joy that blossoms is worth the struggle, the climbing, the courage.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantCharlotte,
I’m sorry for the shame and guilt you are cycling through, and can understand why you’ve lost a little faith in yourself. Your heart said no, but you said yes anyway, and let yourself receive more than you gave. Said differently, you let yourself be loved and tended, while pretending to feel the same. This naturally builds guilt within the mind, because we are beings who seek balance. Said differently, the place you’ve arrived in is normal and usual for a person who made decisions as you did, and getting out of it is just as normal. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Our love is a precious gift that is often inspired by others, shared with others, but is actually our own gift. Said differently, the love in our heart is a gift for ourselves first and foremost, and grows through its sharing. So, as you turned away from your “gut” or your heart, you turned away from your inner fire. It may seem like your tresspass was against the man, but it is really about you, and how you quenched your inner fire, your inner energy.
So it really is no shock that you became much like a beggar, feeding off his attentions. The sensation of “losing oneself” is a natural result. Consider that you are what you eat, and if you’re eating his love (because you turned away from your own) then your inner fire becomes a reflection of him, rather than your own true song. Its good that you ended it, and the crash that followed makes sense. You got in the habit of ignoring yourself, and without that or a partner to feed you affection, where in the world would your food come from?
However, as you’ve noticed the ego can be a powerful force, pushing us into unskillful behaviors as it rationalizes and considers. Perhaps the dream of being in love pulled at you, the dream of being pampered, of being tended. This is also very normal, and isn’t some drastic character flaw that means you’re unlovable, it just means that you weren’t in a good place of self nurturing. If you had been pampering yourself, tending yourself, living your dream, the allure of the relationship would never have overcome the intuition.
The solution to this mess is actually quite simple. Accept that you are imperfect, make decisions from ego sometimes, and let it go. Consider how much more in tune you are with your intuition now. You’ve seen the path that unfolds when you ignore it, and how painful it becomes, so that helpful information will be available next time the sparkle meets your intuition, and you’ll make a better choice. So, why fret? You worked with fire unskillfully, got burned, it hurts, and heals with time. No mystery, no unlovable or broken Charlotte, just a woman trying her best to find balance and happiness. Making mistakes, learning from them, and growing. What a beauty! And only 21! What a life you have ahead of you!
In terms of regaining the inner girl, who is playful and sparkly, consider spending some time playing. This business of ego and love and mistakes and depression can really get in the way of seeing just how beautiful the world is around us. Its good to learn, to look deep at what we’ve done, but not too deep, not too long. Buddha said that if we stare to long at the nature of karma it leads to madness. Said differently, go play. Sure, you might limp for awhile as you rediscover what you like and don’t like, but the girl is yearning to come out and play again. Let her! She is a little wiser now, and may make mistakes in the future, but will learn and grow and heal. Its all part of the journey, my dear sister, and our hearts are strong enough to see it through.
Finally, consider taking up a metta meditation practice. YouTube search “guided metta meditation” if interested. A metta practice can help to regrow the warmth inside, which switches our view of the world from conflict and chaos into beauty and wonder. Said differently, it may help you to regrow the connection between your mind and heart directly, which is something a metta practice will help with. It opens the mind, and makes it smooth. Consider how beautiful a fireworks display is in the night sky, but how scary it would be if it was in the bathroom with us. The world is much like that… when the mind is open and vast, it is beautiful. When it is small and compressed, it is scary. Metta helps the mind become like the night sky, letting experiences blossom into it with grace.
Namaste, sis, may you rediscover just how beautiful you are.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantPaul,
I’m sorry for the painful separation you’re experiencing, and know how sad it can be to find yourself surrounded by broken pieces. Consider that sometimes when a heart closes, it simply doesn’t reopen in the same way. Said differently, its very possible that she lost trust in you, her or the relationship, and recovering from a broken trust is difficult. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
The first thing that could help you is letting her go as she was, and looking to rediscover who she is now. Consider it like a square one reset, where you have to start from scratch. Flirt, date, try to get to know her as a woman… not just “your girlfriend” or “your family”.
However, before you can even do that, you would do well to rekindle your own inner love. Said differently, if you come to her as a beggar, she will see a beggar. If you come to her as a champion of your own path, your own needs, then perhaps she will see your strength and passion. To do this, there will be a certain amount of “suck it up and do what needs doing.” Clean what needs cleaning, trim what needs trimming, craft what needs crafting and so forth. Inside and outside, perhaps you’ve left a mess that needs some attention. Now is a good time, because not only will the effort help reinvigorate your energy, but it will help you overcome the “needy greedy” voice of “what would I do without her?”
Another way of rekindling the inner fire is by spending time wishing her well, even if she decides the relationship is over. Remember and brighten the sense inside you that wishes her to be happy, even if that happiness is without you. I know its tough, that’s the point. There is a muscle that has atrophied, and it will be a struggle at first. The best exercise I know of in this direction is metta meditation. Consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation” and following along with the breathing and visuals. In most metta practices, we move from an easy target (such as children, puppies, kittens) toward difficult targets (such as our parents, bosses, enemies). For you, consider your kids as the easy, a random neighbor for the neutral, and her as the difficult. As you strengthen the inner warmth, picture her happy and single, finding herself again after being repressed in the relationship. If the warmth turns to panic or fear or sorrow, switch back to the children and wish them well. This moving from easy to difficult will help you open up your unconditional love for her, which is perhaps exactly what has been missing.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantSean,
Thank you for the kind words, and for letting your heart blossom with appreciation. Namaste, brother.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantZenhen,
Sometimes when we are going through life changes, such as uprooting the old sticky unhelpful patterns and learning to grow loving ones, we can become impatient with the time it takes to heal. Much like your hibernation, where your body and mind needed rest to process what it had learned, perhaps lead to restlessness and fear of stagnation. “Wasting time” and so forth. This can carry on into the next phase, where we can become afraid that we will choose like we chose, and end up in the same gooey mess.
Have a little faith, dear sister, you’ve grown a ton. But, have a little patience, because you’re also still healing. Rememeber that the road is always filled with mistakes, but as you keep jumping from the heart, the mistakes won’t produce shame anymore (or it erodes more and more with time), and the mistakes are rich with information. So its OK to jump to Thailand for instance, because if it sparkles for you, there is probably something there to find. And even if not, we bring the mountain with us, so you’ll have plenty opportunity to face your fears and sing into the darkness from the heart.
That being said, there are certainly a few tips that might help you on your way. I remember your fondness of lists (welcome back by the way, *hugs*) so consider:
1) joy arises as we follow our desire… not from seeing a thing through or holding fast to some renewed vision of self. Those have always been and always will be just a dream, a carrot. Getting up and doing the small things is where joy arises. Being kind to another. Listening to the inner voice and going left when it calls you to. Jumping even with the fear. Those moments produce the sparkle that you seek.
2) We all feel fear. I have some right now, as I pour my heartsong into words. The fear lessens as we take a breath, find our courage, and jump. For me, at least, that’s pretty much the only way. “Yep, fear, normal, jump”. After all, fear is less potent than regret, which is often what happens when we suppress our desire because of fear.
3) There is nothing you need to do to increase your value to the earth. Its inherent, natural, flowing through you already. Its ok to just dance, sing and play. That’s when the light shines through us the brightest… not because we try to carry some weight to prove we’re strong enough to be lovable. 🙂
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantDee,
I am sorry for the difficult places you’ve found yourself within, and can understand how difficult it becomes when we have spent so much of our time caring for others. Sometimes it goes on for so long, we don’t even recognize ourselves anymore. Sadly, this is often the tale of mothers, who set aside their needs for their children and family. In my eyes, they are tales of unsung heroes that have invested their light into nurturing and caring for the children of the planet.
That being said, there is of course the real challenge of developing your own happiness. Don’t despair, dear sister, because even though your spirit has been tangled by years of neglect, your heart has remained strong and fluid. Said differently, you have a deep and profound love in your heart, inspired by your children, and it is quite usual to feel unworthy of it yourself. Perhaps its not embarrassment that you feel as you look in the mirror, rather shame. As though you don’t really, truly deserve that love… and so you giggle or cry or avoid… anything to help make it more bearable. But, sister, mother, goddess, you are not only deserving of that love, you are its avatar in the world. Said differently, from the moment your children were born, you held them to your breast. When you needed sleep, you set aside that need to offer comfort and sleep to the babe. When you needed to be held, you set aside that need to hold your children. It happens, unfortunately, that habits of tossing aside the need can arise, which grow quite naturally into resentment and escape. Frustrated with the kids, the husband, yourself, the world… for your needs unmet, song unsung. But don’t come here acting like you are undeserving of the love you spent years and years giving. Of course you are, dear sister. Of course.
The thing is, there is simply no need for fear or shame to blossom for you. There is always guidance when we open to it, grace when we need it, and a house that is our own. Some nights seem darker than others, but have faith that the love you have grown in the world through your efforts as a mother will come back tenfold in radiance and wonder. This doesn’t happen through some magical outside force, rather, it is drawn into your life through the compassion and grace you have given to others.
The byproduct, perhaps still resting on your shoulders, is a dumb cycle of guilt and suppression. Perhaps you feel guilty for wanting things. You wanted some tender attention, so you sparked up some romance. You wanted some space, so you moved out of the marital bed. Instead of regarding these as signposts along your path of self knowing, perhaps you still feel ashamed of what you did. There is simply no need (as you noticed in my post earlier). Instead, those “mistakes” can become pure white information about what you like and don’t like. Said differently, the same heart that pushed you toward giving a ton of your time to nurture and grow your family pushed you toward the affair. Much like when we are stressed, sometimes our nerves act up and we get a twitch, a warning sign that things are seriously out of balance. Another way of looking at it is like water. You were perhaps like a woman in a life raft, dying of thirst (needing loving affection). It built and built until even though you knew it was salt water, you drank it deeply into you. Fell hard and fast, most likely, feeling alive again after so much thirst. As it digested, though, of course in cankered. A woman who gives up so much for her family doesn’t often sit well with feeling like they betrayed it. So, even that was just another excuse to beat yourself up, another on a long list of reasons why you are imperfect, a failure as a woman, mother, wife. Luckily, that’s total bullshit.
But here and now, there is still the woman, Dee, looking to rekindle that inner fire, the grace and song that she used to sing. I love where you’ve gone with saying you love yourself into the mirror. Consider a little different approach. Consider trying to look at yourself in the mirror. Don’t push, don’t prod. Theres been plenty of that. Consider instead a little gratitude. Look at the girl, the goddess, who gave up a lot in the name of love. Thank her! Thank her for making the world a better place by loving her children. Thank her for keeping clothes clean and food ready. For school lunches and after school stuff and the bazillion other needs that came up that you championed without hesitation. Sure, you fumbled a bunch of times, but you rose to it far more often. Then, perhaps slowly, gently, you could look upon yourself as one of your children. Your own precious jewel to tend, polish and see grow into wellness. Imagine what you might offer to your child, standing there beside you, feeling sorrowful for the life they have lead. But as you look with compassion for them, you see the blessing they have been, the whole of their life, and how little of their own beauty they saw. And even so, bereft of self knowing of their beauty, they kept going, for love of their children… because, well, of course! Can’t you see it, Dee? The beauty and wonder that you are?
So really, let the shame, the guilt, the self criticism go. Let it go! Your heart is strong and wise, let it bloom! Let that warmth inside spread to the ends of the earth, because you have tended the garden with your best song, and you deserve a life of joy. Namaste, sis, may your song bring peace to your precious heart.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantSia,
I’m sorry for the challenges and suffering you’re experiencing, and can understand why you’re looking for abundance. Sometimes when we’ve become really stressed, we wish for abundance so we can settle those spinning thoughts and feelings. If only we had rs 500000 in the bank, a partner that loved us, a wide circle of friends… then, finally, we could rest and enjoy the life we’re living. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Consider that perhaps you’re experiencing exhaustion with signs of burnout. You run run run run run run. You push your body and mind well past tiredness, well past what is reasonable to do. This leaves us unable to find rest easily. Said differently, your body is running from here to there, and your mind runs even faster from past to future, fear and fantasy. Where is the resting? You’re even running in your dreams! Consider that almost anyone in your shoes would be the same… tired and looking for escape.
Don’t despair, dear sister, because there is always a path toward joy… and it is not like a task list of never ending needs that pushes you back under the blankets in the morning. Rather, its a matter of learning to let go and relax. Your body needs love, and you’ve been a little more like a task master. Its actually in the pushing and clinging that turns the world dark and stormy looking… when we are well rested, we can see the magic and beauty that flows through and around us.
That being said, its not as easy as wishing it into your life… or “feeling” abundant. You have to create the energy inside you. Its actually pretty easy! The first path is to bring the positive energy into your body. This done through self nurturing, such as taking a quiet bath, listening to soft music, or (especially) metta meditation. Some quiet space where you can set down the past, set down the future, and breathe, remember your divinity, and let go of the weight on your shoulders. Not husband, not career, not future, not past… sit and let those go, just for a time. Rest. Let the mind settle.
Next, one of my teachers showed me how the energy of joy is generosity. When we are chewing through our task list, we become exhausted, expend ourselves. When we are moving with curiosity, looking for ways to use our time to the benefit of ourselves and others, we become joyous and strong.
For instance, if you were to enter the room of someone who broke both her legs, you might see and experience two different views. One, the client is a task on the list, a series of actions you have to perform before the day is out. So you move around the room and do what is needed. By the end of the day, your body and mind are depleted, as you used up your energy on checking off tasks. The other view is seeing a sister on the bed, in a difficult predicament. As you see your sister suffering, your heart produces an abundance of inspiration and warmth, which you can open up to, use your moment to feel gratitude for your working legs, and give a little sparkle for your sister in need. Then, as you walk away, your heart is actually stronger, your peace deeper, because you both feel gratitude, both feel part of loving attention given to our family. Said differently, when we are dancing in joy and warmth, we do get tired, but we also get genuine rest, because the body is very satisfied in giving and sharing that warmth, that love.
If you need a kick start to your loving drive, consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation” and spend a half hour under their guidance and see what happens. Don’t be surprised if the warmth that arises fades quickly… with practice and time it stabalizes, especially when you use the warmth you find for the benefit of all beings. Namaste.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantShayne,
Without hearing more specifics, it is difficult to know what’s happening. A guess is perhaps you feel love is something we have to earn, rather than something we have to share. Many self help books and blogs and articles mention that we have to love ourselves first, but what does that even mean? Why is that true? Consider that as we share our love with one another, we inspire it in each other.
Consider self love much like a campfire. You sit next to it, tend it, and have light and warmth. Then, you meet a pretty woman, and instead of “will she love me”, you can invite her to rest by your fire. “Yes, here there is warmth and light. You are welcome to share this space with me if you wish to.” Said differently, “Yes, my heart is full of love and light. You are welcome to share.”
Something more specific would require a little more depth on your side. Feel free to share more of what happens along your path, friend!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantNandita,
Your problem doesn’t sound silly, it sounds like a common issue. Perhaps what you’re experiencing is difficulty with balance, which happens to a lot of us. Consider, for instance, a person lifting weights. They do many repetitions, then their muscles become exhausted and they can’t continue. That’s normal, muscles get tired. The brain is the same. We can study hard, but then need to relax, unwind. We can push ourselves to be great, but then need to accept our mistakes. As we get better at finding our balance, the need to be perfect drops away, because we are happy with our actions, our efforts. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
It seems you have two layers happening at once. First, there is the fear of making mistakes, of having no value, of being worthless. Its a pretty common fear, as we all wish to do well and be valued. It sounds like this fear layer pushes you into a second layer, which is avoidance/craving. For instance, the TV is a potential distraction, so you have to avoid it at all costs. Until, that is, your will becomes tired and you over indulge and watch TV a lot. With sweets, perhaps you don’t take the time to do nice things for your body, such as soft music, laughter, playing… until you get tired, and then you eat sweets obsessively to make up for it. These are normal, dear sister, and the solution is really not that difficult once you can see it.
The key is balance. Study, but take breaks. Watch TV, but in moderate amounts. Spend time pushing yourself hard, then spend time relaxing. Its actually much better for you. Said differently, instead of obsessing about grades/sweets/TV/mistakes you can be patient with yourself and figure out what is happening. Do you need some food? Do you need to study, or do you need a break? If you made a mistake, what can you learn from it? As the compulsive aspects soften, it becomes much easier to act from a place of heartfelt desire, rather than listening to the whip bearing critic who demands you do this and that.
Namaste, may you find your balance.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantKatie,
I’m sorry for the guilt and shame youre wrestling with, and know how heavy a burden those emotions and thoughts can become. Its ok to set it down. Obviously, its not easy to let go, but when we begin to accept that we’re good people fumbling along, it is easier. Said differently, perhaps your husband was not giving you tender attention, which developed inside you as a hunger. So, you looked for food. Its not a mystery, nor a broken Katie… its just a woman wanting to be shown love. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
There is a wonderful approach to dealing with guilt. Imagine the guilt is like a sticky note, a reminder of what your heart doesn’t enjoy. You love your husband, and feel icky that you flirted with betraying the intimacy with him. So, when you betray, you feel icky. That’s a good thing! Consider that good people feel regret when they do dumb things that might hurt, or does hurt, others. So, now that you know how certain actions feel, you know what not to do. Said differently, as you see how the emotional yearning for another man left an icky stain on your journey, you can easily not do it again.
That being said, has your husband become more attentive? There are many women who are not well tended by their partner, and end up feeling low and unlovable. Sometimes, the husbands are genuinely neglectful. Often, they are never given an opportunity to address the needs of their partner because they aren’t expressed. Said differently, if you miss him and want to be touched and tended, do you ask him? Do you express your desires? Does he listen? We all make mistakes, Katie, so that other man isn’t really the issue. The issue is whether or not your marriage is bringing you all the magic you deserve. And, if not, what is the road toward that? What is he doing/not doing? What desires are you not telling him? What is he not hearing? Etc.
Finally, consider that you have the ability and responsibility of finding a path of balance and joy. Its inside you, always pushing and pulling, this way and that… and all of us fail over and over. Intending love, choosing fear. Intending commitment, choosing craving. You’re not alone, dear sister, and there is no purpose, intent or need to consider your actions special or unusual. You became emotionally hungry, and looked in a dumb place. It happens.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantlivingreality,
I’m sorry for the suffering you’re experiencing, and know how disorienting it can be as we’re processing difficult emotions. We have a real conundrum: on one hand we don’t want to blame others for our painful emotions, but the appearance that they are the cause of the pain can be quite convincing! Said differently, there is no shame in having emotions, dear sister, we all have them… and figuring out how to find our balance can be tough. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
First, you don’t create his response. You have some emotion, like jealousy or fear, and his response isn’t very compassionate. Sure, you blurt it out at him… but then you see someone with “hatred” of you, and feel small. Consider that were he to meet you with compassion, his eyes would remain soft and understanding. I think “hatred” is a little dramatic… you blert, and he gets mad. You jab him with some words, and instead of seeing past the outside into the scared goddess that is looking for assurance, he feels some pain and anger. Perhaps then because you just want him to assure you (darn non-psychic men!) you get more fiery, so he gets more angry, so you press harder and on and on. This is a very common cycle, and there is nothing especially unusual or unworkable in you or your relationship.
The solution for this cycle is to speak up before the pressure turns the emotion fiery, angry, or mean. Said differently, you have needs and emotions that are valid and worth expressing, but to let them build and twist until they become divisive and thorny doesnt give either of you a good chance at communicating. For example, if you wait until you are about to burst before hopping up at the last second to go pee, it becomes very difficult to let out a small trickle. Its like whoosh or nothing. Your needs and emotions are much like that. So, for example, if you feel jealous, still talk to him about it, but with more grace. Own up sooner. Its like a glass of milk spilled at a breakfast table. “Yeah, oops… didn’t want the milk all over the table, but here it is. Where’s a towel?”. With emotions, its the same. “My love, I’m feeling angry/insecure/distant, and I could use some help. Will you sing to me your love for me? My heart could use a reminder of our mountaintop.” Or, whatever gentle words come to heart as you try to settle and relax whatever spooked you.
If you do find yourself bursting out with a barbed phrase or action, consider apologizing as soon as you see it. You don’t want to jab at people, especially someone you love. But, something very real and challenging pops up, so a little support would go a long way. Also consider that passionate people often get a little blerty when they become scared, confused, or hurt. If he can accept that about you, and that you’re trying, then as he reaches out to you from the heart, the trust grows and you feel free to act on more of your creativity and passion… which I am sure he enjoys! Its a win-win.
Its never too late to salvage a relationship that has difficulties with communication. However, it depends on mutual desire and interest. Does he wish to stay and try?
Namaste, sis, may you find peace.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantRenée,
Thank you for sharing, your story is certainly rich! The path toward joy is always subjective, and so there really is nothing we can do but sparkle! Said differently, perhaps your partner will open just from experiencing your rooted joy, rather than being “beaten up with the dharma” by being told/shown/convinced how to grow. No need, just follow the spark and the world blooms alongside us. You may already see it the same way, but your story just captures it well. 🙂 Namaste.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantDaniella,
I’m sorry for the suffering you’ve been going through. I’m glad to hear you’re in therapy, that can help a lot. Sometimes we get really impatient with ourselves, and want everything to be fixed now. Because, now is painful, and we just want to feel better. You’re actually in a very fertile place, because now is the time you can throw your hands in the air and scream “what the heck is going on here, something isn’t right”. Then, slowly, patiently, over time you can begin to heal. A few thing came to heart as I read your words.
Women that consider themselves overweight often have such a terrible time finding their beauty. We’re surrounded by images on TV and in movies of what a beautiful woman looks like, and its such crap. However, if you have a lot of fat on your body, the question isn’t “what can I do to become beautiful”, rather “what is the fat protecting me from?”. When we get stressed, sometime we eat to feel safe.
As you move through therapy, the issues that spin around in your mind and heart can come to rest, and the weight will just slide off. Not only will your body find better comfort (such as self nurturing in more balanced ways) but your overall energy will increase, which will help your activities become more rigorous and less sitting. The key though… be patient and gentle with yourself. You’re on a good path, a beautiful path of recovery from your past. It takes time, dear sister, and in the meantime, just make little choices that help you grow into the being you want to be. Maybe grab a glass of water instead of soda, or have a spontaneous dance party with your kids. Over time, each of those little choices knit together into a boost in your self love.
As for the guy, perhaps its a good time to step away for romance, so you can find out how to comfort and love your own body in a healthy way. This whole “what if I missed my chance” kind of thing is hogwash. With him or another, when your heart is ready to connect, someone will arrive. However, relationships usually only work long term when both people are whole and self loving.
Finally, don’t forget to play! All these tendrils and issues have a tendency to pull us down, make us forget that there is an inner child that loves to play. Let her out! Laugh, dance, sing, joke, be dorky, silly, outrageous and goofy. Our whole life can become a garden of curiosity and magic, if only we remember how to play. Here’s a joke to help you start: What’s the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
Snowballs!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantSam,
In addition to the other thoughtful words, consider that finding ourselves in a cycle of disagreement (bickering) is normal. Without hearing the specifics, it is difficult to say exactly what is happening, but my guess is either or both of you are not taking responsibility for your side, and blaming the other as the cause of your upset feelings.
Consider the difference between “you made me insecure with your aloofness” and “when you did that, I saw aloofness and felt insecure”. The first is handing over the source of the issue, pushing into the other. This makes the other defensive… especially if they were not feeling aloof. With the first scenario, the response becomes defensive, such as “I did nothing wrong” which feels invalidating to the insecurity, as though the feelings are not being heard. This basic form sparks many of the cycles of bickering, as feelings and words are pushed and pulled back and forth, each person wanting to be free from the cycle, but feeling like the other is generating it. “If only you would agree to my side, we could be done with this!”
The solution to cycles like this is to separate and accept the two sides. There are your feelings. There are your perceptions. There is the playing field between you where actions and exchanges happen. There are his perceptions. There are his feelings. When conflict arises, stay on your side. What did you see, how did you interpret it? What are you feeling? What is the fear? Its not his fault, don’t assume you are seeing his side of things clearly. Often when our feelings become fiery, such as anger, agitation, jealousy, sorrow… our feelings paint the field. Said differently, when we get mad, for instance, even kind words can appear to be mean… but its only our anger projecting onto the field, forcing us to assume and judge “what he meant by that”.
As for the answers to “is it salvageable/worth salvaging”…. that’s between you and your heart and him and his. If you two feel strongly for each other and desire to work on your communication skills, anything is possible. There’s no such thing as an unworkable union… there are only beings who don’t desire to work on it. What do you want. What does he?
With warmth,
Matt -
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