Hannah,

I’m sorry for the suffering you’re experiencing, and can understand why you’re feeling like a ton of bricks is weighing down on you. Sometimes when a lot of change happens, with lots of demands, we become overwhelmed and exhausted. It often feels like we’re failing something, especially because our inspiration is choked, leaving each of our actions “forced” or “pushed out” instead of fluid and joyous. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that becoming stressed is a normal part of major movement. The PhD program, the moving, the financial issues… these are very real stressors that would produce similar feelings in most people. However, you’re taking it in a different direction, as though you shouldn’t feel how you feel, and that adds a second layer of stress. Said differently, you’re stressed, and stressed about being stressed. Whew! What a burden!

Consider that perhaps it would be good for you to accept your feelings are real and valid. You’re not stressed for “no reason”, nor is it because you’re ungrateful or self absorbed. You’re stressed. That’s enough. Its a feeling in your body, and isn’t helped by criticizing it or comparing it to others. Rather, its helped by being gentle with yourself. Being kind to yourself.

When we make the effort to help ourselves, rather than judge ourselves, the view we have of the world shifts. Instead of an endless task list, with an ever draining supply of time and money being dumped on many needs, our view of the world transforms into a epic journey of curiosity and learning. Said differently, when we get stressed, sometimes all of the fun drops away. This is when we know we need to take a break, to step away and regain the inner light. Much like when we need food our body tells us by feeling hungry. If we ignore it (“hunger schmunger, I’ll feed you when I’m done”), shame it (“what is wrong with you, body”) or try to explain the feeling away (“my hunger is nothing compared to the many worse off people”) we don’t get any closer to eating. The same is true of stress. When our joy has receded, its time to engage in self nurturing activities, such as a gentle bath with soft music, metta meditation, laughing, playing. This reminds the body that it is loved and tended, and rekindles the inner light. Then the list of needs transforms from a crushing burden to a curious puzzle.

Finally, Hannah, stop beating yourself up! Your gentle hand is needed, but you keep slapping yourself! Instead, perhaps you could address yourself kindly, look for the good, the joy, the beauty that flows through you.

With warmth,
Matt

Elena,

I’m sorry for the insecurity you spin with, and can understand how easily confidence fades. Sometimes when our minds are pulled away from where we are and what we are doing, our skillfulness decreases. Said differently, in the absence of distraction, our faculties attune to the moment and we become more skillful, as more of our energy is focused into our actions. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Perhaps the issue is being looked for “out there” or in some conceptual “how do I believe in myself” kind of way, which doesn’t really address what is happening. Consider that this issue isn’t about belief, its about distraction. Your mind gets pulled away from your actions, thinking instead about losing, perfection, judgments of others and so on. As your concentration becomes dispersed, your attention on the flow of chi from your body decreases. Said differently, when our mind is flittering through the audience, to the past, to the future, we lose our connection to our instrument and our song falters.

The solution is actually quite simple, but takes practice. We can develop our concentration. This allows us to set aside distractions, and bring our consciousness to the moment. The best method I know of for this is breath meditation. There are many great methods, one that might help is counting breaths. Consider searching YouTube for “jayasaro counting breaths” for Ajahn Jayasaro’s description of the method.

As we grow our concentration, instead of trying to believe in ourselves, we begin to have what one of my teachers described as authentic confidence. We don’t have to try to believe, because we know. You described the seeds of this already, where in the absence of the spinning, you do well. By cultivating concentration, instead of it being almost random, we learn to aim.

Namaste, sister, may your roots dig deep into joy.

With warmth,
Matt

Shannon,

Perhaps what you’re discovering is the soft heart of compassion. When you hear the songs, do you feel like you connect to the artist? Feel the emotion that went into creating the art?

If so, consider spending a little time with self compassion. Can you look back at the child you were, struggling with a difficult environment and feel the same empathy for her?

For me, I used to feel a lot of pain when I experienced art that was about understanding and forgiveness. Same as you, emotions would well up, and it was not joy… it felt more like loss, longing, and hope. After I learned to look at myself with compassion, the emotional welling still happens, but with appreciative joy.

With warmth,
Matt

Boo,

I’m sorry for the suffering you’re experiencing, and can understand why you’d need help finding forgiveness. Where’s your anger? Where’s your sense of injustice? Sometimes when we have a low self esteem, we almost just shrug and accept that we deserve our lot in life. This, dear sister, is far from the truth. Yes, we get into cycles, but we have the ability to break them.

For now though, it seems like shock. Instead of “figuring out what happened”, perhaps now is a good time to self nurture. Your heart has been torn, and the heart takes time to heal. What kinds of things do you do to be kind to yourself? Talking with close friends? Taking a bath with candles? Its not that it won’t help to figure out how to stop the cycle from happening, its just that in the middle of grief isn’t always the best time… its too charged, too painful.

Namaste, sister, may you find your strength.

With warmth,
Matt

Memm,

I think I can see what you’re getting at, pointing toward. Consider: if buddhism is correct in that we receive joy from skillful “hook free” giving (authentic generocity), then the results of our actions are measured on a completely different scale. For instance, if someone is acting manipulative because they want help, and you see they need help, can you set aside the “manipulative” pattern and help? Despite the ishy presentation of the need? See and dismiss the communication style, the wall of hooks and tangles, for the sake of the being that is asking for help?

When we do, it becomes about what seems right. Do they need help? Are they just being lazy? Do I want the widget she’s selling me? Do I want her, and am I transferring that to the thing she’s selling? This is why authenticity is so important, knowing ourselves arrives from being ourselves, and just going with what seems/feels/looks right.

The logic doesn’t shut down, it just becomes one of the tools we have. Logic, intuition, and empathy form together from the sights, sounds, and other senses, and we respond. It takes courage, but as we try and fail, learn… try and succeed, learn (etc) we grow an authentic confidence that helps build courage quickly as we respond next time. The cool thing is that the heart grows wiser, and instead of picking through maze after maze, we begin to dance as we just respond with what seems right.

Buddha taught that there isn’t really a pathway through the maze, its learning to drop the maze. Said differently, it isn’t “is she being manipulative” (ego-grasping, “what is this to me”) but rather “what kind of help is needed?” (ego-releasing, “regardless of how I might benefit, what feels right to give”). Quite often its actually nothing, or just a smile… conditions not ripe, something cloudy, whatnot. But when we do, it usually connects well, we find a groove, and just play.

Plus, this playfulness is naturally more light and spacious… so even questions we ask come across with that same lightness (not interrogation), even if you politely ask them to drop the wall. (“You’re pretty good at flirting, I bet you get a lot of sales.” vs “If you want my attention, drop the wall.”).

Namaste, brother, may you find the beauty you seek!

With warmth,
Matt

Serena,

I’m sorry for the suffering you’re spinning with, and can understand why you’d be a little disconnected and apathetic. Consider that when we go through troubling experiences, especially injustices, our faith can be seriously challenged. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Perhaps you’ve lost a little trust in the stability or balance of things. You did well, made proper suggestions, and were blamed by a coworker that you even helped get a job. Then six months of divisive BS from others? How the heck is that fair! It makes sense that it would stick in your brain, especially considering your career (engineering/mechanical intelligence grows from the physical reliability of measures and functions). Here, the equation doesn’t seem to fit. Hard work+kindness+expertise is supposed to equate to positive recognition from peers.

The challenge is to see how it has nothing to do with you. Much like a seed planted into sand will not grow, our loving intentions and skillfulness don’t blossom when the conditions aren’t right. Said differently, those folks who blamed and judged and treated you poorly did so because of their own hangups and delusion. This is sad for them, because while you can leave and work for a different company, they can’t, because they carry it with them. Said differently, don’t bother fretting when sand yields no fruit, just move on.

As far as the knots inside, which in this moment prevent your happiness, I see a few things. First, consider the actual equation of the experience. You wanted positive regard from your peers, didn’t receive it, and feel crappy because of it. Its normal to have that desire, but it also has that consequence of being vulnerable to others’ delusions. On their side, they have “judgment” “aggression” “delusion”. Its normal to blame others for things that happen to us, such as a fire. It has a similar consequence of prevent the growth that comes from seeing things truly. For instance, as they just blamed you, they perhaps overlooked the procedures that could evolve to avoid future fires. In not issuing a public apology, they lost an insightful and skillful team member. So, their delusion came at a pretty hefty cost. Similarly, your vulnerability to criticism (grasping for peer recognition) had a similar cost.

Consider instead that we do our best to see the truth and be skillful with it. You saw the battery connector, and did your best to see it repaired. The rest of the happenings are only sticky because you let them be. You did well, and you know it. Their delusion turned to aggression, and as they threw it at you, you matched it with your own defensive aggression. Instead of seeing them as deluded, falsely attributing the fire to your work, and how limiting delusion is for growth, you made it about you. Which, of course, is perfectly normal to do. It really has nothing to do with you, or your new company, or the people you work with. It is about them and their delusion, their attachments, their suffering… specific people with histories and parents and hangups. On their side. When you can rest patiently with that, you’ll be free.

Also consider, if they would ignore the recommendations of a mechanic, which leads to a fire… why would you want their positive regard? They sound a little screwy to say the least. 🙂

Finally, consider taking up a metta meditation practice (search YouTube for “guided metta meditation” if interested). Much like an engine without oil overheats and seizes quickly, a body that doesn’t spend time resting with loving warmth inside it becomes spinny and restless. You’ve been through some difficult moments lately, dear sister, and spending a little time caring for yourself, being gentle with yourself, could go a long way to help you feel safe again.

With warmth,
Matt

Kimani,

Nice work, keep exploring! I tend to agree more with memm’s observations about archetypes momentarily arising based on the conditions (including neuro-atypical brain structures that make the conditions more enduring), but your curiosity and intention of “sorting out the mess” glows.

Also consider checking out Chogyam Trungpa’s work “Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism” which helps erode the force inside that clings to these archetypes as some enduring trait, or the words we write as some enduring truth. Instead, as the Buddha taught, we are constantly in flux, and the more fluid we become, the more wisdom and joy flows through us. That’s when we can become bridge builders, instead of drawing sorting circles. Does that make sense?

With warmth,
Matt

Zenhen,

Things are well for me, thanks for asking! Sharing love and light as my heart points me hither and yon. 🙂

I can understand why you see how your mind becomes bouncy, it is one of the products of growing awareness. Not the bouncy, just the noticing. It is quite natural to try to do something with the thoughts… such as directing them here and there, sorting them, exploring them. No need, sister, no need.

Consider instead the mind more like a pool. There are ripples in the pool (thoughts) that when the bounce up against the side of the pool, they produce vibrations. Restlessness, shame, fear, greed… all just ripples banging up against the side of the pool. The road to enlightenment isn’t about stopping or sorting the thoughts, rather it is about increasing the space of the pool… spreading the sides out until they vanish into the horizon, and eventually altogether. To bring this into the mind, it is much the same. We don’t have to do anything with thoughts, they just blow in and blow out. As we learn to let them be, the space inside the mind opens up and the thoughts are just thoughts. Much like a field with some wildflowers in it, there is a vastness of mind that thoughts bloom within.

There is a bit of a guidebook for producing that space, which is the eightfold path. It begins as a sort of moral directive… a strategy of behaving that increases the size of the pool. Even so, its only a raft, because as the space increases, following our heartfelt inspiration becomes the path home each and every time.

Nothing to distract you from you, huh? And that’s a bad thing? You’re beautiful, smart, aware, passionate… it seems to me that you’d be some pretty awesome company. Smile, sis, and remember!

With warmth,
Matt