Ally,

I’m sorry for the insecurities you experience, and know how difficult it can be to remain rooted in compassion. Sometimes when we get scared, our spacioisness of heart (in which compassion blooms) collapses, and we are left with jealousy, envy and agitation. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Compassion is sometimes a sense we have to intentionally grow. Consider for a moment that compassion is the willingness to let a person’s energy blossom without our own attachment. Said differently and specifically, Sarah wants to be happy, find balance, and be at ease… and her having close friendships is great for her. So, as we build compassion for Sarah, we spend time wishing her deep friendships with others. You, your girlfriend, her sister… whomever and however, just for the sake of Sarah’s well being and growth. We can sidestep our own harvesting from the relationship, our own nourishment and value judgments and simply wish Sarah well. Yes, jealousy will return. Fear will return. However, just breathe with it, and surrender back into the spacious view, the one of Sarah’s joy in finding connection wherever she can. As you intentionally grow compassion in this way, the “left behind” sense erodes with time. Said differently, the blossoming of compassion and envy are from the same root… one happens with space, and one happens when the space has collapsed because of fear… but both arrive from your deep respect for connection.

The same is true with your girlfriend. Consider that her many partners has perhaps given her a skillfulness that you benefit from. Or, consider that from all of her dancing and sampling, seeking and connecting, she chose you. Now, when you feel secure in the relationship, perhaps this feels like honor, gratitude, and excitement. When insecure, it feels like a threat, as though you can’t compete with those other people… it can’t possibly be satisfying to her to be with little old you. To grow compassion for her more deeply, consider setting aside the way it impacts you, and look solely on her side. What was that like for her? Was it just beauty after beauty, or was it something else? From my experience, intimacy and sexual fulfillment grow stronger over time, so if she was bouncing through multiple partners, was she really finding fulfillment, joy, connection? Does she have any “slut” insecurities because of the number? Does she feel strong in her ability to feel safe and sexy with you? Are there things she found she enjoys/dislikes that would help her find greater joy with you?

In this way, by asking questions and looking on her side, it becomes a simple thing to build a bridge, to walk out on that bridge, and take her in your arms with more totality. If both of you are invested in growing together, compassion builds an intimacy that naturally erodes the insecurities… because both sides get space. Said differently, as you come to know her more openly, without fear tinted glasses, the light from the connection naturally removes the shadowy doubt.

Finally, there is almost always fear when we become vulnerable. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or the relationships (gf or Sarah), it just means you’re a little fearful. That’s actually fine, normal, and expected, and just means they matter to you. That’s good, because your heart is yearning for connection and love, which will help lead you home, no matter where you go. Said differently, you only feel afraid because of how much your heart loves others, and that is a strength and place that is a blessing for you and those around you. If the fears keep arising with potency, even after practicing compassion, perhaps consider beginning a metta meditation practice. Metta was taught by the Buddha to help quiet the mind, and strengthen our peacefulness and feeling of spacious friendship with others. Sharon Salzburg has a great guided meditation on youtube, if it is something that interests you.

Ally, don’t forget to be gentle with yourself. Sometimes we can be impatient, as though it all should resolve now, if only we could pull the thorn from our foot. Sometimes it works that way, but usually its more like a vision of where the floor needs scrubbing, and it takes time and effort to see it through. So, don’t be discouraged if you experience relapse or cyclical emotional responses. That’s normal, but with time and effort, the power it has over you diminishes significantly. Then, even if the envy or fear arises, it is like “oh, that old hat again, let’s go ahead and take that off right now” and it fades within a few breaths.

Namaste, dear sister, may your days and nights be spacious and glowing.

With warmth,
Matt

Kitty,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and know how painful hurt feelings can become. To weather that kind of experience is always trying, draining, and its good if we spend some time nurturing ourselves. Consider taking a bath, listening to some soft music, or doing a metta meditation. This helps the heart settle, so we can approach our situation with gentleness and patience.

When the pain is fresh, we naturally make everything about us. What they did to us. The injustice. Their aggression and judgement. As we nurture ourselves, the space opens up and we can see and feel more parts of the situation. Your mother in law was crying for instance. That stinks for her, crying means she was in some kind of pain.

To untangle the situation, perhaps looking at the event with compassion will help. This means we intentionally make the space to consider and feel all sides. Most especially, your side and her side. On your side, what I see is this: she poked at you, you reacted by punching her in the eye, she started crying, her kids came to her rescue and told you that you were a meanie. Breathe in, breathe out, let go, let settle. On her side, perhaps she disagreed with your choice and poked out, then felt accused of being malicious to you, as though she’s an aggressive bitch that never even wanted you there. On her side, perhaps that is the injustice… “come on, help the kid now” doesn’t deserve “why are you such a hateful person to me?”. Breathe in, out, let go, settle.

It really helps to try to reach out with compassion in such ways, because it naturally nourishes and strengthens our light. And what can we do but accept that we have to bring the light to the world. For instance, they’re your family. Even if they’re bitter and mean, that means they’re in pain and acting unskillfully. So, how can you help them? How can you bring the joy, the love you wish to see? Or, if you don’t want them to be your family, stop being around them. Its your life, and its up to you where you take it. It is a waste of our energy and time to wallow over snakes being snakes, birds being birds, or in laws being in laws. Sounds like mommy in law likes to poke at people. So what? Toughen up a little, drop the victim crud and do something about it. Its your garden, my dear sister, and no one will grow it for you. Said differently, you have to bring the light you wish to see.

Which is exactly what we do when we take the time to self nurture… we refuel our inner light. Then, other people’s “stuff” doesn’t hit us as hard… for instance “oh, thanks for your opinion, but I’ll help him in a minute.” i.e. their actions remain about them.

Perhaps reconsider a metta practice. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on youtube may strike you well. Consider that its the lack of nurturing that is making it hurt so much, so spending some time on a cushion stoking that inner warmth will gona long way to help these things become more workable you.

Namaste, sister, may your heart find many blossoms.

With warmth,
Matt

Wisp,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how dark and uncomfortable things can become. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy and inner peace. Sometimes when we spend a lot of effort wearing a mask, we become exhausted, spent. Then the mask falls away and we are left feeling broken, alone, and unlovable. Consider it isn’t the running or the group meetings that will produce joy inside you, rather, it is coming to accept that you are lovable as is. Yes, you rise and fall from happiness to sorrow. Lovable, normal. You have good days and bad days. Lovable, normal. A few things came to heart as I read and reflected on your story.

First, consider that Buddha taught we have a fundemental ignorance on how to find balance and joy. We’re born with a few rudimentary instincts, such as suckling and grasping, but most of what we become is the result of our parents and teachers showing us what “life” means, and how to engage with it. Unfortunately, parents and teachers are also imperfect, and so often leave their children and students with reflections of their burdens and ignorance. In your case, it seems like you’ve been left with a tangle of shame. Said differently, it seems that somewhere in your past, you learned that your lovablility is conditional, such as “happy people are lovable” or “successful people are worthy of love” or “we have to act well to be worthy of connection with others, worthy of respect, worthy of love”.

Often, this arises from some kind of abuse such as an emotionally distant (or codependent) parent, sexual abuse, or being neglected. Consider a child, receiving this kind of lesson from their parents. For instance, a parent might hit a child, and the child thinks they caused it, and so begins to look for “how to act” that doesn’t produce the anger in their parent. Said differently, if a parents love appears conditional, such as being loved when we act good and being abused when we act bad, then it inspires a journey of trying to find out how to be lovable, perfect, worthy. This is garbage, because no matter how hard we try, we will always make mistakes. Its part of learning. So, its a losing game to try to be good enough to be lovable, which thankfully isn’t how love actually works.

What we can do is begin to see how other people’s actions are not about us, have nothing to do with us. For instance, being hit by a parent is because of their hangups, not because of our mistakes. People at work thinking you’re crazy is about them and their failure to be compassionate for a sister in pain, not about you. Your husbands drinking was between him and his addictions/esteem/issues, not about you. Resting in this view, seeing the difference, the insignificance of other people’s opinions, allows for us to become more authentic. Said differently, the solution isn’t to find more inner strength to hold the mask longer, its dropping the mask.

The reason its not only helpful to drop the mask, but also incredibly freeing, is that when we step forward with honesty and authenticity, we become joyous. Consider for a moment that you have the seeds of joy already inside your heart. We all do. The way the seeds work is they begin to sprout as inspirations for action. Perhaps you see someone crying, and the inspiration arises to reach out to them. However, the mind immediately compares that inspiration to “what fits the mask” or “what will other people think of me showing her affection” and clamps down, stops the desire from leading to the action. In this way, we get in the habit of turning away from our heartsong, our loving desires. With our partners, this can arise as a desire to be close with them, to squish up against them and feel the warmth (emotionally, mentally, physically), but the mind says “don’t want to appear clingy, needy”. On and on the mind turns aside and ignores the whispers of desire from the heart.

This leads to a feeling of shame (or disconnection), which is much like feeling thirsty after walking through a desert. If we are ashamed of our thirst, we might refuse a glass someone offers, because we don’t want them to know how thirsty we are… because perhaps then they won’t love or respect us. After all, how stupid must we be to have ignored our thirst for so long! Or, if they know how thirsty we are, then they might have power over us, and hold the glass of water hostage until we submit to their will!

The thing is, there was never a desert.. its a result of the mask, its not inherent. You’re actually standing in a river, ignoring the rushing water, and frantically looking for someone to help you with your thirst. Your heart calls to you, inspires you, wishes to pour delicious fluid into your view, but the mask prevents it. If you can accept that your love is the river, then it can become much more simple. For instance, you felt stress and decided to stop going to work. Good, yes, makes sense, nearing breakdown, needing time and space and unwinding. Nothing odd or unusual in that choice. So. Did you relax? Did you self nurture? Or did you start beating yourself up within the first few seconds? Have you had any rest? Has your mind just been running and running? Is it that confusing then that you’re still tired? Still low?

With all that being said, perhaps the solution, dear sister, is to become more self nurturing. As we listen to the desires of the heart and body, the deeper yearnings in our gut and chest, we are far more nourishing to ourselves. Its OK that you get upset, confused, depressed. That is normal, usual and expected. But its also not something that is permanent, or unworkable. Said differently, when the sun shines, we go out and plant and tend and garden. When the moon rises, we snuggle down under some warm blankets and find rest, recharge our intuition, release, and breathe. For instance, we may take a bath with candles, listen to some soft music, or go sit in nature. We allow the past and the future to melt away, to become set down, and sit and breathe in the moment. As the mind races, say “yes, racing mind” and feel the body, the breath, the water on your skin, the grass on your feet, the sounds in your ears. Then maybe a breath or two of quiet mind arises, and then it remembers what your boss said to you and begins to race again. “Yes, racing mind, boss and job are important for sure, but not here, not now, now is for me, for the calmness and joy” and reattune to your breath, the music, the warm water, or whatever. This is much like drinking in the water of the river, which allows you to drink directly and become settled. Then, you won’t be thristy when someone offers you some less nourishing drink, such as conditional love, judgments, or shame. Said differently, if you get into a habit of better self nurturing, then other people thinking you’re crazy, brilliant, stupid, kind, ugly or beautiful won’t matter, because you wont be thirsty enough to drink their opinion. You’ll already know.

Namaste, dear sister, may your light reveal the path before you with gentleness and grace.

With warmth,
Matt

Trixie,

Consider something such as “I forgive myself for the choices I made that produced this spinning and suffering. May I be well, happy, peaceful, and loved. I forgive him for whatever choices he made which contributed to this spinning and suffering. May he be well, happy, peaceful, and loved. May we be free.”

Invest as much authenticity into the mantra as you can… sincerely wish to be happy and free, him to be happy and free. Also, if you wish to help reduce the vibrancy of the spinny thoughts, you could do some metta meditation at other times. Consider “Sharon Salzburg metta meditation” on YouTube. Metta is wonderful, and helps the mind become fluid, smooth and concentrated. Most that take up a metta practice notice the results right away, and the Buddha also highly recommended it.

With warmth,
Matt

Sean,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and admire your strength in approaching this with detachment and curiosity. Sometimes when we remain well rooted (such as knowing you can be happy alone, strong love for your children and others, sense of purpose) we can approach a situation with detachment and look for a path of mutual growth and desire. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that its not surprising that she might become panicked and run. She has a lot of fun on her path, and with the house, husband, kids… her fear of responsibility may be overwhelming her. Sometimes, when we have a big task list, we forget that the tasks are fun, and see it as a million things that need tending (preventing us from what we really want). Sometimes we need help seeing that the “list” is actually a series of fun adventures. For instance, cooking dinner with the kids is fun. Remodelling is a path of creativity to build your safe space, your home. Its not just a list of responsibilities, its fun.

So, what to do? Consider the possibilities, and trust your heart to aim. Perhaps her interest in the intimacy has been eroding for awhile, and she was either trying too hard or being disingenuous to hide. If you think you two are genuinely compatible, you could move back to flirting… reminding her that you’re a man in love with her, find her beautiful, fun to play with, and so on (in actions). If it was just a startle response, her heart may rekindle as she is reminded how you two dance together. Said differently, if she has some assurance that the move is additive to her joy, not “shackling” it, perhaps her fear will pass.

That being said, if she is still in love with you, and is simply scared and avoiding, then approach her with space. Give her time, but let her know you would love to talk to her whenever she’s ready. When you do talk, perhaps you could just offer her compassion, letting her know her running (emotionally and her hobby) doesn’t scare you or decrease your love and respect for her. Of course it would be a lot of change all at once… but what does she really want? The approach here, in my opinion, will be to have a steadfast direction you desire (being with her) but a lot of flexibility in what actually happens. As in “I know what I want, but more than getting what I want, I want you to have your dreams come true. If I get to be a part of that, awesome.”

Finally, don’t be afraid to say what comes to heart. You love her and find her beautiful. Don’t be afraid to let her be a muse, and sing to her in your own way. If your hearts are connected, following your heartsong will give you both the best chance of finding home, wherever that might be.

With warmth,
Matt

Trixie,

Its sounds to me like you’re experiencing two issues stacked on top of each other. The first is the desire to search, click, check up and so on. That seems normal to me, even when we know a behavior isn’t helpful, our desire sometimes pushes us and we do it anyway. The more troublesome aspect is the beating yourself up afterward, which is a whole unnecessary layer.

As far as figuring out why you did the search, I won’t be of much help there. That’s between you, your heart, your desire and your grief. However, the “Trixie is broken” view that arises afterward is perhaps something that can be settled. We all follow desires that don’t really serve us, its part of learning. One Buddhist teacher said not to feel guilt or try to suppress desires, rather do them with mindfulness. This allows our heart to learn quickly, and we naturally move away from painful actions. Said differently, you don’t need me to tell you why you searched, you just need to watch and look and breathe… then, you’ll figure it out and heal whatever needs healing, and let go whatever needs to be released. The guilt for following the desire actually impedes the healing, because it draws our attention away from the causes.

For instance, if we were to walk headfirst into a thorn bush, perhaps we might get a bunch of thorns stuck in our skin. If our brains start beating us up for our choices, we don’t keep our attention on our skin, which is where the thorns are actually stuck. Instead, we can accept that sometimes we press into thorny experiences, and once we realize we’ve been hurt, step back and give attention to our body. Consider, for instance, that after scanning for signs of the ex, it would be a good time to take a bath, listen to some soft music, or some other nurturing activity. Not “why do I do this to myself!” but rather “ouch, what can I do to help my heart soften and warm now that that’s over.” Then, the reasons that pushed you toward the thornbush either become irrelevant (you naturally shed the addiction to the unhealthy choices) or the reason arises naturally as your heart reawakens and gets a little space.

Namaste, dear sister, may you treat yourself with tenderness and patience.

With warmth,
Matt

Nathan,

I don’t think you’re losing your mind, it just seems as if you’re turned backwards instead of inwards. Consider for a moment that when you used to get angry more easily, you ranted and acted like a fool. Eventually, you found a way to work with your anger more skillfully, and stopped the behaviors. That still leaves us with some karma, or some ripening of seeds internally and externally. Internally, it ripens as confusion and entanglement… as though the world is too much to understand or work with. No biggie, just breathe, be patient. Externally, perhaps that friend you yelled at might have some hurt feelings and one day yell at you or ask for an apology. You can’t predict it, but you can get into the habit of being kind (which it sounds like your gf sees in you already) and trust that your growing heart is ready and able to embrace whatever may come. If the friend yells at you, you know that he or she is in some kind of pain. If you’re asked for an apology, of course you’d give it. You don’t want to hurt anyone… you even stress out about pain you may have caused. Its enough, friend. You have a good heart, and a loving intention. Of course its been tough, and you’ve hurt people along the way. We all have. Buddha taught that we are born with a fundamental ignorance of the path to grow balance and joy. So we do our best and move on.

With warmth,
Matt

Cris,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and know how heavy a feeling of failure can become. Don’t despair, dear brother, we all have the task of finding our path to balance and joy, and failing along the way is usual, normal and expected. Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance on how to find success and contentment. Said differently, because each of our paths is unique (unique point of view, abilities, limitations, teachers) our journey of self discovery is almost certainly littered with mistakes and failed beginnings. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that you’ve done some amazing growing already in your short number of years as a man. You’ve gone to school, found out it didn’t feel right, had the courage to make the hard choice (follow your heart and deal with the fallout). From my point of view, that was the right thing to do. Then you tried again and failed. Still the right thing to do… just because it didn’t work out the way you thought doesn’t mean that it wasn’t ripe with growth. Said differently, its in the trying again, looking again, getting back up that grows us as a person. Success and failure often becomes far too distracting as we become prideful, or in your case, ashamed of the results of our actions.

This quite naturally pushes us into making comparisons with others. You feel ashamed of who you’ve become, and so when you want to connect to a friend, all that icky feeling gets in the way. So you put on a brave face, a mask, and pretend that you’re OK, worthy, happy. Instead, what you can do is try to accept that you have the ability to bring compassion, and do that instead. For instance, imagine you’re working with your mom and feeling stressed (and perhaps feeling her stress). Take a breath or two, accept where you’re at, and look around. What’s there? What are your senses telling you? Consider looking for a kind act to help your mom, make her stress a little less. Maybe its a hug, a little extra effort, some flowers, some gentle words of appreciation… something, anything to try to share a little light, lighten the stress.

One of my teachers said that acts of generosity produce the emotion of joyfulness. We ignorantly think its a career, money, romance, or some other material possession… but it really all rests on our acts of helpfulness and compassion.

Finally, consider setting down the “beat up Cris” stick. You’re hard on yourself, brother, and more than any other mistake you’ve made, perhaps that’s the one that has hurt you the most. Be kind to yourself, patient, gentle. This is a tricky world, and finding a path of contentment and happiness can be troublesome. Inside you is a desire, a dream… and its up to you to gently let that dream blossom. Said differently, if we open patiently to our desire to bring light and love in whatever way seems right, we quite naturally find our groove, our personal rhythm. This is why being gentle with ourselves is so important, because it allows that light to grow. Consider taking up a metta meditation practice, which can help a lot in strengthening and stabilizing that light… although most self nurturing activities help. Perhaps you could take a bath, listen to some soft music, go for a walk in nature… or whatever it is that for you is relaxing, peaceful, and refilling. If you wish to check out a metta meditation, consider searching YouTube for “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation”. Even one meditation everyday for a week should be highly relieving and help with feeling connected, warm and full of purpose.

Namaste, brother, may you be well.

With warmth,
Matt