Memm,

In addition to some of the other kindly wisdom, consider that the key may be in keeping the well full. Sometimes when we yearn for more connection, we get in a rut of malnourishment, and the well empties. We long for the connection, so when we make plans, we begin dreaming of the experience. This expends the energy in the well, as we focus our intentions and hopes on that plan coming to fruition. So when the friend cancels, the shock of unmet expectations (ie, not going as planned) leaves a void, like a bubble popping. This challenges our equanimity, which expends concentration, draining the well a little more. When empty, there is a sense of isolation and “what about me” “when’s my turn” “why won’t you play with me” and so forth.

The solution, in my opinion, has nothing to do with boundaries, it has to do with your patterns of self nurturing, and the energy you’re bringing to your friendships. Consider that when we self nurture, we very directly fill that well. Imagine you bake some chocolate chip cookies, and they smell and taste delicious. You know how much your friends love cookies, and how much you like sharing, and so you feel a yearning to share what you have made. So you wrap them up in little bags, and take them to your friends. Only to find out that one is trying to lose 4 pounds rapidly, one developed a chocolate allergy, one just went out of town and so forth. The intention was there, but the conditions for actually sharing weren’t. But, because it was just our desire to share our bounty, our artistry, it doesn’t drain us to be rejected. Maybe next time!

In this way, we can connect to our friends from a place of bounty. However, if there is a friend that cancels on you a lot, for instance, instead of the self-centric “why is he doing this to me?” view from an empty well, consider the buoyant and curious “why is he doing this?”. As you let your curiosity explore the situation and friendship, its easier to find out if they’re just distracted, disinterested, busy, or if theyre a taker, or whatever. The well stays full, or even refuels itself, as we explore.

With warmth,
Matt

I am,

Your question of “when do I get to be me” makes a lot of sense to me. She sounds like she takes up a lot of the space in your home, and you have tried to give that space in a lot of ways, but what about you? What about your safety? When do you get to be the little spoon?

I’m really impressed with how much you already see. Consider that perhaps she has a low self esteem, and fills her days with projects and chaos to prove something. My guess (interpreted through hearsay) is that she’s very passionate and self critical. So she runs and runs trying to fill her time with noise, so the self critic doesn’t have room to flog her. Or, she projects her sense of failure, fear of failure into you, and sees you as the reason her mind is beating her up.

This is why moving toward her with that spaciousness is perhaps more helpful than picking up a hammer. Said differently, she’s actively creating her prison, bouncing around it, and feeling painful thoughts. You love her, and have made no indication of wishing to leave her, so that leaves me believing that you wish to help her, but are tired, and perhaps have lost faith in yourself.

I don’t know her, so I can understand your hesitation. However, detachment is a foundation for joy, where disconnection is the foundation for apathy. Moving to bring the space, remind her that home is where the heart is, that she is loved amidst her scrambling will help you stop feeling like her pain doesn’t matter, such as “interesting clouds” and instead see her delusion and suffering as “interesting clouds” that fade when the light of warmth shines from you into her. Said differently, turning away makes total sense, and works to stop the pain from being all about you. Turning toward her with the same spacious view will help her settle. Maybe not the first time, maybe not the tenth, but there are only so many times a person can be embraced by love and space before they feel the space and warmth themselves, and come home, relax, and find peace.

Sorry if I came across as critical, after I posted, it occurred to me that perhaps it would be interpreted in that way. I can’t emphasize enough how awesome it was that you reached and found equanimity. That truly is an amazing feat, and getting space is crucial to our own stability and happiness. I’m actually on your side, hoping and wishing for your peace. Consider that “clouds are clouds, being themselves. I am me, being myself. Peaceful floating”. Awesome. Next though “what is her problem?” is perhaps the wrong direction, whereby “oh wow, she is really vibrantly expressive right now, I wonder what the thorn is that pushes the lioness to roar and weep and lament” perhaps honors the moment more than “she’s not very loving”. The goal is to let her pain inspire your compassion, which will lead you toward deeper contentment, and both of you toward joy (or a peaceful recognition you’re not a good fit for each other).

With warmth,
Matt

Dan,

I struggled with this same idea. Its said that generosity produces joy, but if we know that, can we really be generous? Doesn’t giving from a place of wanting joy reduce the authenticity of the giving? If we’re motivated by a self-centric drive to be joyous, doesn’t that corrupt our giving? The simple answer, nope.

Consider that when we feel cruddy, such as being in a slump, places us in a icky mental state that pushes us to feel better. You feel crappy, and reach for connection to help you feel better. That’s fine, normal and usual. What happens is an erosion of the icky feelings, and as they go, the nature of giving becomes more and more clear intended. Said differently, the aim is to give just to give, but that really only happens after the joy is well rooted. Until then, doing good deeds for the mutual benefit is the path.

However, its only a raft, a mechanism. As you keep giving, opening, connecting, at some point you’ll reach a state of fusion, where things connect and there is a self-sustaining joy inside you. Then you’ll still give, but thoughts of you don’t really come up.

Said differently, when we intend to give, it isn’t for the benefit of others exclusively. You are part of the picture, dear brother, and so being generous to the world includes being generous to you, such as doing things that you know produce authentic joy. This is not fake, it is natural. One step leads to the next, and to the next, and to the next. Its a dharmic sequence, a natural pattern. It doesn’t make your giving artificial, rather it makes it wise. Not only are you giving to boost your own light, but you’re giving to boost the light of others. Selfish? Please. Well invested.

As far as “the turn”, or when does giving become “self righteous” is in the results, not in the intentions. For instance, say you write an email telling someone you enjoy them. They email you back, saying you’re a poofter and a nuisance. The self grasping arises when you grab on to the result such as “how could you say such things to me, I just gave you a cookie, some nice words, respect me and return my feelings, damn you!” In this way, the giving was tainted with expectation of gentleness and kindness being returned. Instead, keep the intention of being giving, and when the result comes back, give more space so the result is only what it is. Said differently, “I don’t know why you called me those things, but I wished for your happiness, and continue to wish for your happiness”. In this way, we keep our giving rooted in our intentions, which prevents our gift from being barbed or poisoned by our expectations of the gift being well received and/or returned.

As a side note… huzzah brother! Your gentle hands are taking control and sculpting a path of joy. What a blessing you are to our world. Each light makes a difference, and yours is growing. Thank you!

With warmth,
Matt

Silvia,

In addition to Barb’s gentle and wise words, a few things came to heart as I read your words. Consider that there may not be a light at the end of the tunnel, because its already glowing inside you. Its remarkable, really, because your strength and hope are clear ringing in your words. Yes, there is a scowl and confusion, but you have a fighter’s spirit, dear sister. Perhaps what you need is some aim!

For the outside plan, consider Barb’s words, as they aim well. A woman’s shelter or other social group that helps women would be a great place to explore.

For the internal, perhaps a few basic strategies may help. The first is with boundaries. Consider that instead of fighting toward change, such as wrestling with him for space, you can turn that energy into the resolve to change. Said differently, imagine a warrior princess, learning to stand firm, stomping her foot into the earth. As she does, the thought is “I don’t like this, but I accept this for now”, such as bracing herself against a potent wind. As his words and actions blow out of him, imagine them going right into the earth and back to the goddess, to Gaia. It helps to switch your attention to the breath, such as breathing through a contraction. Resolved not to engage, but seeing how unpleasant it is.

Next, instead of playing his game, such as struggling or fighting, consider non-agressive strength. “I don’t like that” “I feel angry/sad/confused…” “I want peace, friendship” or whatever feels right. Try to keep it on your side, such as I think, I feel, I see, I want. His side might not change at all, but your side will move from chaos to resolve. Said differently, when we refuse to play their game, breathe, and just state our preferences and desires without aggression, we leave most of their burden with them. Play with your daughter, hear him yell for 30 minutes until he gets bored, runs out of ammo, blows out. Then look at your daughter and laugh at how silly some people can become when they’re scared. A blip, but small ripples.

Now, when he isn’t blustering, or you have some space around you, consider doing metta meditation to help strengthen and smooth out your energy. Intense struggles, like you’re experiencing, tend to knot the heart, much like muscles become knotted. Metta is the feeling of loving friendship, and is akin to the warmth that rises as you hug your daughter, sing to her, and imagine wonderful joys for her future. As we cultivate that energy, it works out those knots, so the ripples arent as long lasting, and we keep our momentum going. Consider searching YouTube for “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if you’re interested.

Finally, I love how you wish to live a life of peace. That is a very beautiful thing, dear sister, and I hope you get to live that life! Short of him waking up and getting some therapy (or some other major shift for him), I don’t think you’ll find that life with him. In the meantime, perhaps some of the above practices will help you gather the momentum to break free. You’re stronger than you think, dear sister.

With warmth,
Matt

Mimi,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and wish you every joy. I’m also sorry to have overlooked your post when you first wrote it. What struck me most is how harsh you are with yourself, how mean, how little space you give yourself to make mistakes. Don’t do that, dear one. You are not broken, bad, or evil. You’re learning, searching, and very passionate. Sure, you’ve lashed out, which has had real consequences, but not from maliciousness, only from pain. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider for a moment that your brain has some atypical qualities. Said differently, it can be difficult for all of us to be kind and warm with one another, and you have some additional challenges that really do deserve space in our heart. I have a close friend with bipolarism, and she has done and said some cruel and selfish things over the years. She explained how she goes through highs and lows, and has a scorpion tail that jets out and tries to wound people sometimes. This tail really only happened when she was in a deep emotional pain, and she felt an unbearable urge to lash. Much like when we eat far to much food, we have the uncontrollable urge to vomit, there would be an overwhelming urge or push that poked out at loved ones (me).

Then, as the pressure went away, she would feel ashamed of who she was, how she could be that mean and selfish. This shame would be painful for her, adding just another layer of difficulty for her and her tender heart.

The solution was that she had to intentionally grow self acceptance. Said differently, much like we have to practice the alphabet to remember the letters (allowing for us to learn to read and so on), sometimes we have to practice self acceptance to feel self love (which allows us to learn how to kindly address problems in a friendship). To grow self acceptance is pretty simple, but takes time and effort.

First, we offer genuine repentance for the suffering. For instance, the pain-lashing-pain-lashing cycle hurts us and those around us. They feel hurt, unloved, unseen, and we feel hurt unloved, ashamed, unseen. Its mutually painful, and that is enough. Its a result of a lot of conditions, we’re not the “cause” of it. For instance, when you lash out, you’re struggling with a lot of powerful forces. Those are in part genetic, which you didn’t control. They are influenced by your parents, their way of dealing with emotions, their genetics, their parents. Plus, how its received is influenced by another web of your friend’s conditions, her parents, teachers and so forth. So we always have tried to be loving, but have blow outs, painful experiences, dumb choices, or whatever, which is something that almost every human bounces through. But, its also really happening, and we don’t want it to continue… so we vow to undergo the process of healing, and wish it to be done with grace and ease. This is like “seeing it”, “accepting it” and directing our intentions toward healing it, for the good of us all.

Next, there is remembering, or watering the seed. We don’t just remember that intention when we’re in pain, we keep it growing. For instance, we don’t just meditate when our mind is disturbed, we do it when we are peaceful as well. We don’t just take antacid when we eat in an imbalanced way, we learn to eat healthy. It is the same. We don’t simply repent when we feel ashamed, when we’ve lashed out, or whatever. We hold it like a raft, a tool, an intention… we remember.

Finally, we give our little seed the space and light it needs to grow. We remain patient with our body and mind, stop being harsh, trust the process. Yes, there will be shame that arises. Yes, we will get shitty with people. Yes, it happens. But we don’t want it to, and our heart is working to let that cycle rest. So its OK to just relax and be happy as we are able. So, we take tame to self nurture, to help our body feel peaceful and warm. My favorite is metta meditation, which is very directly nourishing to the heart. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested.

When we do these things… accept who we are, intend to be loving, and patiently let our love grow… the shame naturally settles when we make a mistake, and the cycle erodes. Said differently, instead of beating yourself up, dear sister, for your failings and stumbles, its OK to learn what you can from them and let them go. For instance, you want to be a loving and generous friend, so when you lash out you don’t mean to do it, and so its ok for it to be only a puzzle, only an oops. This “I made them suffer, they made me suffer, I’m terrible, they should die” cyclical painfulness is more than enough of a burden to bear, your bipolarism difficult enough. Don’t be ashamed for having difficulties with emotions and boundaries, we all do, and your challenge is perhaps more chaotic in those regards. Just do your best, dear sister, and know that you and all your patterns are lovable, acceptable, and part of a burden we all share… its not yours alone.

Namaste, dear sister, I wish you could see just how beautiful you are.

With warmth,
Matt

I am,

In addition to Mark’s heartfelt and wise perspective, also consider that we often encounter teachers in the relationships we get into. So, you’ve noticed that you sometimes grab on to comments other people make and take them in, make them about you, and feel uncomfortable. And, you happen to be in a relationship that challenges that aspect of you? What a blessing! What a good time to learn to let go, to let other people’s perspectives remain about them!

Often we get caught up in the symptoms and ignore the causes. For instance, you have a fragile self esteem. So, when someone offers an opinion that challenges it, perhaps it breaks and you feel a rush of “disconnection” or “defensive” thoughts and emotions. Instead of “she doesn’t like that”, and knowing the other more closely, you grab it and it becomes “she doesn’t like me”… whereby there is motivitation or pushing to resolve it, fix it, change. However, conditions are impermanent, and constantly shifting, so even if you make that change, grow in a way pleasing to her, her desires may shift and you’re left again feeling not good enough. Many relationships spend their life doing just that, dancing from leaf to leaf, symptom to symptom, and not tending the roots.

Consider addressing the root directly, which is the esteem. Perhaps get into better habits of caring for yourself, of tending your garden gently, which helps you remain stable. Then, you won’t lean into their words. For instance, say you were to sit in meditation, then take a bath, and feel a lot of inner strength and warmth… knowing, from experience, that you are capable of tending your needs, filling your heart. Then, being well nourished, you reengage with the outside world, and a stranger says “oh boy, you are unkind”. As you hear the words, from a rooted place, it sounds as “I find such and such qualities displeasing”, and the response is inquisitive such as “I wonder what that’s about, wonder what their likes are”, rather than “oh no, am I mean?”. You won’t lean into those words, grasp them, because you know you are kind… you just spent time specifically being kind and gentle!

In this way, instead of trying to get others to say pleasing things, we are delighted as they say what they truly think, feel, and see. If they don’t like our hair, how interesting! If they don’t like our face, how interesting! If they don’t like our attitude, how interesting! Its not our dislike, not our preference, not our issue. Then, we have a well rooted wisdom that let’s us decide and aim. Perhaps we do change our hair, perhaps we change our partner… whatever seems right for us. But we don’t falsely think “oh, perhaps my hair is just bad”. No such thing, only preferences!

With warmth,
Matt

Gavin,

Consider that self love isn’t something we produce in a vacuum, such as going into a cave to find “the thing” that gives us the ability to connect with others in a loving way. Rather its a continual tending, such as learning to nurture yourself in or out of a relationship. When we get in habits of self nurturing, we become less agitated, hungry. This lets our connection with a partner to be two whole beings sharing time and each other, rather than two people completing missing components in each other.

From another direction, consider that meditative practice isn’t just about our butt on a cushion, our mind tending our breath. Rather, meditation builds a stability that is challenged as we get up from the cushion, and the goal becomes keeping our mindfulness as we reengage with the world. In a similar fashion, self love is challenged by our connection with others, producing growth and change that helps us. For instance, we might consider ourselves stable and peaceful, but what happen to that peace when our wife eats the last bit of cherry crumble? Or when our boyfriend flirts with the waiter? Or when our girlfriend sleeps with an ex? These help produce a deeper fertility to our practice, which deepens our mindfulness and compassion.

Said differently, consider self love to be a warmth we have for ourselves that helps prevent other people’s actions from being about “us”, entangling us, and collapsing our patience. For instance, “Why won’t you listen to me” arises as “oh, she is focused on her stuff right now, I’ll set my news down, and join her side, and explore her space.” In this way, we become equanimitous, which makes relationships less contentious… less a struggle of met and unmet needs.

With warmth,
Matt

In addition to Lindsay’s heartfelt wisdom (GO!), consider that you’re not alone. Often there are a number of social organizations specifically there because of how helpless an abused partner sometimes feels. The abusive partner seems to be in “control” of finances, property, and so forth, but remember that you have rights. Consider talking to a local woman’s center, shelter, DHS, or united way. You don’t have to do it alone, and there are many ways to make your escape less painful and scary.

Take back your power, dear sister!

With warmth,
Matt