Aaron,

I’m empathetic to your struggles, and can understand path jumping. Sometimes when we live a lot in the mind, such as racing thoughts, dreams, imagining “multiple scenarios” and so forth, we become drained, disconnected from our environment, and lost. Don’t despair, dear brother, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that the solution to the puzzle is often that we just have to experience whats around us more directly, rather than know/analyze/envision. The way my teacher said it was: we have to give up being entertained by our thoughts. This is when our environment lights up, because we’re paying attention, tending it. When we slip into mental cycling, our attention is on the visions, fantasies, potentials… and so our precious creativity pours out through imagining solutions, reactions, and actions if such and such and so and so were to become true. Said differently, as we race and race inside our mind, we use up our strength. And that is unneeded.

Drained? Depressed? Of course, dear brother, that makes perfect sense. Imagine someone saying “I just ran a marathon, and I don’t get why my legs are tired.” It is much the same when we say “my mind races all the time, and for some reason I’m tired.” It is not surprising that from that space, all you really want is to find your wings and fly, be free. Said differently, you hope to find your passion, and work independently and with freedom to nourish yourself and your loved ones. Consider that what you’re seeking is perhaps home, feeling safe, relaxed.

This could have been agitated, poked at, when you received your diagnoses, because if even your own body is unsafe, capable of betrayal, then how could you trust anything or anyone? This is a normal part of grief, and coming to terms with impermanence can sometimes help. Consider that the pre-diabetes Aaron is dead, gone, the past. Let him go, its OK. This new Aaron has some maintenance issues, but is also much more awake. Its normal to resist such changes, try to ignore them, keep going. With all that mental energy cycling, its much like a semi plowing down a highway. A sign comes up “diabetes, exit left” but it takes you awhile to put on the brakes, and so months pass before you actually let your course change.

The good news is that while there is a lot to learn, its actually a really fun journey. You are exploring yourself now, your path to joy, which quickly begins to blossom. For instance, with the diabetes, there are changes to your life that require attention, but as you give them your attention, they become status quo, and don’t feel scary. So they simply become part of the flow, uninteresting. Much like my 4 year old daughter makes a big deal about pooping on the potty because it is stressful, new. But, for us its just part of the maintenance, uninteresting usually. As you stabilize, accept, and adjust, whatever changes to diet, exercise, and accessories are required now, the stress of it naturally settles, and it becomes uninteresting, unconcerning. That is, of course, as you let go and abandon the old Aaron.

To aim and settle the racing mind is actually very simple, and is all about self nurturing. Consider that your body and mind are a precious garden that needs tender, loving attention to blossom. This helps us “find our passion” as a byproduct, but the main intention is simply being happy, joyous. Self nurturing is what helps our body remember that it is cared for, tended, valued. Maybe not by everyone, but certainly by some, including ourselves. So we hop in a bathtub, listen to some soft music, get a massage, go for a walk in nature… whatever our body needs to relax, unwind, unclench, let go. We set down the past, set down the future, and just give ourselves the space to be silent, peaceful.

My favorite of these is metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of warm, loving friendship that rises in our chest area, and is something we can intentionally grow. Buddha taught that metta was a way of settling the mind quickly, letting it become smooth, fluid, rested. When we sit and focus our attention and intention on wishing ourselves and others happiness, safety and peace, the mind unwinds, releases its fears. Then, because we feel better, lighter, settled, as we reengage with the outside world, it glows more brightly. Said differently, when we spend time settling the spin, clearing the fog, more of our attention is on the present, and so we have a much better connection to our environment (which is where all the information is).

Consider searching YouTube for “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested. Also, if it interests you, local Buddhist sanghas often have meditation classes that are low cost or free.

Finally, don’t forget to be patient. Things take time to grow, settle, blossom. Sometimes when we’re scared of “falling back into it”, we push ourselves too hard, like obsessing about the seeds we’ve planted. Just trust yourself, your loving intentions are good seeds, and they just need some time and space and sun and rain. Said differently, finding a career that is lasting will unfold naturally as you find and maintain your own needs… balanced body, peaceful mind and so forth. Obsessing about “what to do next in my life” is not as needed as “what do I do next for my body and mind”. The former is revealed by the latter. Namaste, brother, may you find your joy and heartsong.

With warmth,
Matt

Anyone,

No, consider that generosity requires skillful giving, which does not seem to be what is happening when you give to her. Instead, perhaps it is more like enabling. The selfishness is more from wishing her to be different than she is, becoming aggressive because she is not developed enough, or in the right ways. Its clear that something is going on in her life, maybe her mom didn’t hug her enough or something, but that’s not your problem, not really. Your difficulty is in the hatred, the festering, which is what is really bringing you down, not her. In my opinion of course, dear friend, your mileage may vary. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Anyone,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why your feelings are hurt. Frankly, you’re being selfish. She has a lot of stuff going on, between her pregnancy, her control issues and so forth. If she didn’t know you were gay, and it just came up, that is a lot to process, and her space might be a little limited. I know that when my wife was pregnant, certain topics, foods, and smells triggered a whole mess of ickiness in her. So, she freaked out because you’re in a relationship? Because you’re gay? Is that really enough for you to turn your back on her and start throwing stones at her? Are you that kind of friend? That you only love her when she accepts you? Thinks of you? Did you read how much hatred is in your words? Anger? Wishing her punishment? Is your heart really that twisted and black?

I don’t believe for a second that’s true, dear friend. Perhaps you’re scared of being rejected, which is normal and usual. Being gay in today’s culture is quite a challenge sometimes, and all you want to do is be you, loved, accepted as is. You deserve that, of course, but you’re festering with hatred and anger. Those don’t do anything to her, your stones don’t reach her, but they do in fact bruise your tender heart.

Buddha taught that anger is like a hot ember we pick up with the intention of throwing it at a person. All this pressure builds, and we grab onto some ideas such as “she is such a controlling, uncaring bitch, I hope she rots” and imagine terrible things, feeling they would bring justice, balance to the world for all the pain we’re in. But it just isn’t so, it isn’t her that is being punished, its you. The festering, the bitterness, it is all inside you, harming you, dimming your precious light. As you hold onto that hot ember, it is your hand being burned.

Consider that it is a good time to set her (and your relationship to her) aside, and rekindle that loving spark inside you. Stop trying to tear her down, and instead, tend your own precious garden, your own heart. You’ve been through a lot, my dear friend, and your hand is charred and painful, which is understandable, normal and usual.

Consider that relief won’t come from bad things happening to those that hurt us, relief comes from taking the time to be gentle and caring to ourselves. Take a day trip, a bath, a spontaneous gift to yourself, some soft music, meditation… whatever helps you settle and relax, letting the space inside you open and release the ember. You obviously have such a loving heart, and its normal for it to bruise a little when it feels rejected. So, instead of running and running, filling your time with stuff and events that distract you, come home, wish for happiness for yourself, peace for yourself, and take actions that help support those wishes.

You deserve better than what she did to you. And, you deserve better than what you are doing to yourself because of her actions. You can’t change her, but you can nurture your own tender heart back into wellness. Hopefully you can see why that is such a better place to begin.

With warmth,
Matt

Trina,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and know how dim things can get when we become overstressed. Sometimes when we have lots of little stressors (and some big ones) we quickly become drained. Then we zombie around until we feel crappy enough to do something about it. That’s actually a great thing, because we see the zombie mental state, and can choose to grow a new one! Said differently, we quickly get tired of feeling like crud, so we learn to grow our light. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that it makes sense that you’d try to bounce into affermations, self help plans, exercise, and so forth. After all, you’re looking for your joy, contentment, and peace, which makes sense. Often though, we lose inspiration… all these activities take our precious strength, and after a short while we stop them all, or nearly. Consider instead a different strategy. Work on growing the light first, then go sort out the rest. Said differently, when we’re suffering with a lot of stress, instead of pushing even harder into some “growth spurt” of positive activity, push yourself into self nurturing, and land, take time, come home, relax. Recharge your body. Hop in the tub with candles, go for a walk in nature, play… whatever it is that helps you relax and unwind. You have a tender heart, and it deserves your gentleness. Take time to be nice to it!

One of my favorites is loving kindness meditation. Buddha taught that metta (loving kindness) helps the mind become soft, smooth. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on youtube, if interested.

Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, dear sister, even when you’re feeling crappy. As you share them, instead of bottle them, it really helps to let the past settle and move on with freshness. If you don’t have a close confidant (not the bf) to unwind with, be honest with, cry with, then consider doing some journaling or kick boxing or something, let it out. Namaste, my sweet sister, may your journey sprout with joy.

With warmth,
Matt

Alyx,

I am so sorry for your suffering, and can understand your troubled spirit. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. Sometimes when we don’t have good coping skills, we fall quickly when stress gets loud. The brother in law, working with sexual assault victims, and other numerous stressors very naturally causes a decrease in our energy. Perhaps before falling into addiction again, you went through burnout, and in your seeking relief, it became a blowout. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Don’t be harsh with yourself, dear sister, there is no need. Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find balance and joy. We’re born with a few instincts, and the rest we have to learn from parents and teachers, who often don’t know how to find balance themselves. For instance, perhaps if your dad had done things differently, you would have had stronger coping skills. Or, if his dad had done things differently, your dad would have been better prepared to connect to you skillfully. It really is a magical thing to accept our ignorance, and all the unskillful bullshit that comes from it, throw our hands in the air and scream “OK, well what now?”

That’s when we can be at peace with who we are, and stop beating ourselves up for our weaknesses, mistakes, or decisions that bring pain to ourselves and our loved ones. Its OK to sit, dear friend, and let it all untangle. Addiction is tough, and there is no need to settle that alone. For instance, imagine you and I are sitting in a room together. It would not be “alyx and her addiction sitting across from matt”. It would be Alyx and Matt, heart to heart, working at settling the addiction. You don’t want to be addicted, I don’t want you to be addicted, and thats plenty. That mutually shared desire is enough to let all the bullshit that accompanies your addiction to be more information, more components of what we both want to settle.

Said differently, sometimes when we’ve hurt people, they look at us as though we are the addiction. “Junky wife” does this and that. How harsh! But, they are in pain, so understandable. But that’s not you. You’re not a junky. You are strong, beautiful, and a radiant piece of nature… that is suffering with a common ailment, addiction. It doesn’t define you, just burdens you. So why in the world would our heart turn away from a dear sister because of a terrible and heavy burden she carries? That makes no sense!

In the same way, don’t turn away from yourself, don’t decide you are unlovable as is. That’s false, and just adds another layer of ick to the pile… and dear god, your shoulders carry enough already.

That being said, there is still the very real weight and allure of drugs. Consider for a moment a bright and sunny day, relaxing in an open field with birds and bunnies playing around us. In that space, the heart feels light, warmed, and we feel safe. Then, the allure is near absent, because we are in a state of peace inside. Then, back at the office with women’s stories of abuse, people bustling, phones ringing, the allure is stronger, a path of finding that light heartedness, bliss, escape… to stop all that stuff from bashing into us, causing painful emotions. What an easy thing to shoot up and bliss out! But at such a terrible cost.

Consider instead, that we can grow and maintain the lightness of heart independent of the environment we’re in. So, when we rest in the field, peace and birds and bunnies. When are at the office, peace and phones and stories. This opens up the space, helping the mind become smooth and rested.

We do this by self nurturing. Walking and feeding the birds is a great one, especially if you can manage some time on the grass in bare feet. My favorite is loving kindness meditation, which is perhaps one of the strongest generators of peaceful feelings inside us. Buddha taught that practicing metta (loving kindness) helps to reduce the impulses in the body very directly. For instance, perhaps when you think about what has happened while you were using, your mind becomes pained, full of agitation, self loathing. Metta reduces that, lightens that, so you can join me and look at the time you were using with deep compassion for Alyx. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

Finally, I know how challenging it can be to remain patient with our struggles, especially when a lot of bad shit has happened. There’s no need to run and hide, no need to escape… just accept that you’ve been through some darkness… but for this breath, there is peace. This breath, there is Alyx, doing her best to put all the pieces together and grow a life of joy and contentment. That is the grace and beauty, in you, through you, and around you. Said differently, you’ve always been beautiful, dear sister, and always will be.

With warmth,
Matt

Lenne,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why you are feeling unsettled. There are many choices, competing needs, pressures from other people, and so on, and they compact and fill up our brain with what ifs. Dear friend, that is where to focus your energy, your attention. A few things came.to heart as I read your words.

Consider that with all the chaos happening around you, it is very normal and natural to feel unsafe… a restlessness to be elsewhere. But consider that you have a lot of great things going for you. You’re compassionate, have working sense organs, muscles, intelligence, and so forth. You have many years ahead of you to dance and explore, the illusion that it all needs to be worked out now is a paper tiger. Apart from not knowing what to do next, do you like what you do? Then do it some more! If you don’t, look around and find something that sparkles (and if it also benefits others, even better) and jump. There’s no need to be afraid, you’re clearly really smart. You’ll find your way.

Consider that when we get “sucked into” a situation (such as other peoples expectations, our fear of failure and so on) it becomes much harder to find our way, because we’re taking into account things that don’t matter. Your friend, who says “get a real job”, for instance, need have no bearing on your decisions… so letting that voice add layers to your confusion is silly. That doesn’t sound like love to me, not like grace… so abandon it!

Simply by getting back to the feeling safety, of patience with yourself, gentleness for yourself. Let the friends poke be about her. You’re smart, caring, and will figure it out as you keep exploring. Don’t let their impatience push you… they’re your steps, your canvas to paint.

With warmth,
Matt

Smileybat,

I’m sorry for your losses, and your grief and aimlessness is understandable and normal. Our parents are often like a keel for our ship, keeping us pointed in a direction. This can be helpful, where parents are loving and wise, or unhelpful, when they are caught up in their own junk. It sounds like yours were the former, which is a blessing. With their bodies gone, its no wonder that you dream and miss them. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

You asked the question “does one need a dream to chase it”, and it makes sense to me. It sounds like you’ve lost some inspiration, some joy, which is OK… you’ve been through a lot of changes. Some people think the path of their joy is in finding some thing to do, some magic wand, some philosophy of heart, or a career that just sings to them. This isn’t the case, joy isn’t something we chase, its something that blossoms when we stop chasing. Said differently, because you have such a strong analytical mind, consider that your experiences may be piling up as evidence, whereby you seek to assemble the data into a hypothesis, a cohesive picture of “what is” to predict “where to go” and assemble a vector for growth.

But that doesn’t really work, because the unknown is always blossoming alongside us. The sibs ignoring you, boss at work letting you work 60 hours a week for free, parents dying and so forth. The vectors we create don’t keep us aligned, moving. Instead, finding our dreams is about patience… giving space inside the mind, body, and our life for them to blossom. Said differently, say your partner asks you what you want for dinner. It is a simple thing to access the database of food in your mind. Eat out? Make something? Pros/cons (ease vs broke) OK, make something. Noodles or rice? Chicken or fish? Pros/cons. Etc. However, in the absence of the list, the database accessing, and analyzing each datum, desire has the room to blossom. So, deciding what to do rises as “what is my body in the mood for?”

What some have found is living outside the mind, outside the analyzing, gives a chance for the dreams inside us to blossom. At the small scale, this is like choosing what to eat based on what we feel like eating. At the larger scale, finding our dream is the same… what is your heart calling you to do? People often consider “a calling” some kind of spiritual hibbityjab, and sometimes it is. However, our true calling is just so, the blossoming of desire when we give space for it gives us messages, directions, ideas and visions that we can choose to follow. The analytic force becomes a tool of the desire to keep us from danger (such as a dozen doughnuts for dinner… yum, but eeww). However, as we deepen our emotional intelligence, our empathy for self, our mind and body come into harmony with itself. The body expresses needs and desires, and we make space in the mind for them to be heard, then choose and walk whatever intuition seems brightest.

I guess the long and short is that the question “do we have to have a dream to chase it”, seems erroneously worded. We have to give up the chase in order to hear the whispers of our heartsong, and then there is no dream to chase, because we’re in it.

If you find that your mind is very zippy, bounding along unbridled down every trail and whim, consider taking up a meditation practice. There’s plenty of research on the efficacy of meditation, if your brain needs it I’m sure you know where to find it. For the practice itself, consider looking into a local sangha or meditation center for some instruction. Or, check YouTube for “guided metta meditation” (increase the feeling of inner warmth and stability, the mind becoming more smooth and peaceful) or “guided breath meditation” (increasing the skillfulness at letting thoughts pass as ripples, unchanging the basic emotional state of the body). Considering your feeling of grief, metta might be a great place to start. Sharon Salzburg has a great one on YouTube, if interested.

Finally, remember that living our dream is a matter of patient abiding. More so than accomplishment, accolade, wealth, sensual connection… patience is what allows what we are experiencing to blossom in the mind, space for the puzzle assemble and meet the flow of desire coming from our body, and a direction to jump opens up.

With warmth,
Matt

Tia,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why pride seems to get in the way. If you’d like to open up a little more about what is actually happening (you only posted your conclusions, which are not as helpful as feelings and thoughts) then perhaps the family at tinybuddha would be better able to help. However, some generic advice for pride may still be helpful.

Consider that pride is our way of defending against a feeling of shame. For instance, perhaps you mistakenly say or think the sky is orange. You are corrected by someone you love, but are scared that they won’t value you if you make a mistake (critical parent?) so defend that orange sky to the death, until your energy is spent, and you feel broken. Then perhaps you crumble, fall to the floor, give up, and feel horrid. If this sounds like the way, consider that we all make mistakes, and that doesn’t make us less remarkable, less loved. There is really only a mix and mash of knowledge and delusion, success and failure, rising and falling… and its OK, normal, usual and lovable.

Said differently, you don’t have to prove you’re valuable, try to be valuable, dear sister, you are already. Even with your mistakes, even with your failures. Especially! That’s where we learn, thats how we grow… it really is expected! As you come to accept just how worthy of connection you are, how deserving of love and tender attention, the pride simply melts with no shame to push it outward.

Consider reading some of Brene Brown’s work… I think her words would sing to your heart. She has a ted talk “the power of vulnerability” which is easily searchable, or Daring Greatly, which is on amazon.

I think you are wonderful for looking inward and trying to figure out how to live in balance, let go, and be vulnerable. It takes a kind heart to see such things, and I really hope you find your answers. You deserve the relaxation and safety that comes from knowing that we’re OK, and so are they. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt