Vera,

When we eat, the body stops feeling hunger. However, when we’re low on self knowing, perhaps we dont feel the hunger as hunger. So we try to do some laundry. Still hungry. Go to the bathroom. Still hungry. Perhaps you’re not addressing your needs? Do you spend time being kind and gentle to yourself?

Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find balance and joy. So, not knowing what we’re hungry for is something we just have to accept and explore. We only get a few instincts, and the rest we learn from our parents and teachers… who often don’t know how to find balance in their own body, or teach it. So we do the best we can, try to grow a loving garden for ourselves, help others with theirs’, and learn who we are along the way.

Consider you might be feeling a restlessness to find home, be peaceful. Consider doing metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship that glows in the chest area. Buddha taught that metta helps concentration grow quickly, which leads to a smooth, peaceful and fluid mind. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

Finally, consider that sometimes we seek answers because we wish to grow a new identity. Chogyam Trungpa exposed this flawed behavior in “Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism”. Learning and knowing isn’t as joyous and learning and doing. So, instead of hopping around for the solutions that seem best, we give what we learn some real effort and see what happens. Then we know, but also gain confidence, wisdom, and discernment. Said differently, when you identify a hunger, you’ll know you’ve met it when it stops. Often its metta, but don’t be afraid to go play… sometimes we just need to rekindle our playfulness, our laughter. This “what does it all mean” can seem very serious, and many teachers say “uh-uh… be playful, like children, then it will make more sense”. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Zay,

Sometimes when we’ve been spending a lot of time in the “big picture”, settling and uprooting our old dysfunctional patterns, we come to the blank canvas. Its scary, because we see that its blank, and we hold the brush. What to paint! Don’t want to paint a picture like we had before, so how do we trust ourselves to paint something more beautiful?

The solution is accepting the blank canvas as blank, and painting small strokes. Do you like yogurt? Do you like Mozart? Do you like buns or boobs? Do you like sunrises or sunsets? Both? All? Little things, little strokes. Don’t try to paint a vast image, a grandios image. Paint small, dear friend, that’s where the self knowing grows. The big picture very naturally knits together from the little pieces, the little knowings.

Also, consider doing some meditation, specifically metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship that arises in the chest, and is deeply nourishing to our bodies. The “friend” perhaps glows with that warmth, and so you direct lots of attention in that direction. That’s not an available path, though, so growing that light inside yourself is a much better option. This happens in therapy sometimes too, where the client falls in love with the role of the therapist, because they are such a breath of fresh air, an open heart. They think they’re in love with the person, but its really the role. Doing metta meditation will help you become more self sufficient, feeling OK where you are here and now. Said differently, as you learn to grow your light internally, you won’t feel the need to find it in others (and the feeling of confused loss when its unrequited/unavailable). Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

With warmth,
Matt

Jeanne,

Leveraging sex is a poor choice in my opinion. Consider that when we “grow a spine” in that way, we actually decrease our own enjoyment of sex and union. Said differently, if you use your organs as a carrot, you relate to them as a carrot, so when your husband gets the carrot, it stays more about him. Instead, consider a different approach.

Our sexual energy opens up when we have the space to let it shine. In a house full of clutter, your passion doesn’t blossom as well. That’s fine, normal and usual. So, making love becomes more vibrant for you when the space is clear, shiny, peaceful. Much like it is more romantic to listen to music that is not harsh, grating, and loud. Try as you may to ignore the sounds, perhaps the blaring prevents you from sliding into the groove.

So, his keeping his attention on the clutter raises your feeling of safety, your feeling of being seen, heard and tended… which is the gateway to being free to express your passion for him. More than a carrot, I’m guessing that passion is something he yearns for, needs, and would love to see blossom. Said differently, why bother withholding sex as a means to an end? If the end is something you need, such as the house being clutter free, the sex you two have won’t be as vibrant anyway until the need is met. See the difference?

With warmth,
Matt

Paul,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how regret can swell up, making us feel like we missed our chance. Sometimes when we have been unsafe for a long time (such as the physical and emotional abuses you experienced), we find and cling to something beautiful. Like a teddy bear for a child, this beauty becomes an object of our dreaming. Julie seems to be like that for you. The desire and appreciation of her beauty and all the potential dreams you had with her helped you reimagine a life free from the “rod” and other shadows of your past. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that as a youth, perhaps it was difficult for you to feel safe…. so expressing your desire (asking her out) didn’t feel safe. However, the desire was there, unexpressed, and over time became a little obsessive. Consider that you don’t really know Julie very well, she just “shines” in your mind and heart. That shining isn’t even from her, not really, its because you desired her, and didn’t do anything about it. So the potential sticks, because maybe she feels like “your way out” or “your soulmate”. Hogwash!

You forge your path, brother. Even here and now, its the clinging, not the women, that disturb your tender heart. In your heart-space, you still have pictures up of Julie on the walls. What if pictures. If only pictures. Perhaps pictures of her curves and valleys. Peace will come when you choose to take them down. You can… we all have regret. Pack them up in a box, take them to your garage, and let them go.

Consider also that perhaps you have needs going unmet with your wife. Do you express your desire to her? Do you feel safe asking her for things? Do you pay her tender attention and ask her to pay you tender attention? Are you still looking for home, or have you found it? Built it? Maintain it? Do you try to submit to her desires all the time so you stay safe? What do you need that you aren’t getting?

Those are the kinds of questions that will help you find your home, your appreciative joy, your feeling of safety. As a kid, perhaps you were a victim, unable to do anything about your station or status. Now, though, you’re not. Not anymore. Not to your parents, and not to your unmet desires. You don’t get to go back and see what would have happened with Julie had you asked her out. You missed that boat, and the regret only keeps you from realizing you’re on a different boat, full of vibrance and beauty. So pack it up, grieve the lost desire, and move on.

Don’t worry, though, its not something that has to be forced, such as “move on, you nitwit, what’s the problem?” Quite the opposite. Letting go is a slow, gentle process that many of us are never taught. To let go, we self nurture. We open up the space around us, within us, and let the feeling of seeing “what was there” blossom and become released. For instance, perhaps you could hop in a tub with some candles, ask your wife to gently play with your hair, go for a walk in nature, or something else quiet, gentle, where your body is surrounded by psychological space and emotional warmth. Then, just breathe. Breathe in where you are, what you’ve built, who you are. And keep breathing. See the boy, scared to ask her out, afraid of the stick, afraid of rejection, of unrequited feelings. Just a confused and scared boy… normal, usual, lovable. Didn’t have the strength or courage to be free in that moment, to simply be and do what he wants. Normal, usual. And breathe. In this way, we begin to practice self compassion, or making space for ourselves, what we truly are and were. Not “if only”, but “what was”. Then, whatever unresolved crap floats to the surface, here and now we are ready to hug and adore that boy, help him grieve his abuse, his fear, the domino losses.

That way, you can get up out of that tub refreshed, or feel your wife’s fingers on your scalp more directly, more appreciatively, or see the beauty in the trees and animals of nature. Or whatever. Then, we’re not so lost in our own regret that we miss out on what is here and now (which ironically blossoms as regret yet again when now is gone, another missed chance at coming home). Instead, we wake up, grab hold of our present, and open up to what’s around us. Then, the past won’t matter, it really holds little allure, because the love and grace flows through us more strongly with each day. Why would we wish to go back?

With warmth,
Matt

Sassy,

When I encounter my friends and family that are full of sorrow, a warmth is there, a wishing to comfort. Not thinking “wow, she’s a mess” saying “is there something wrong”, but thinking “she might need a hand” and saying “are you OK?” Perhaps the sadness is enough, the “mess” an unneeded judgment. If others see you as a mess, that’s just their entanglement, their issue. Many of us know sadness, and naturally empathize, not criticize.

Consider that perhaps settling some of the attachments to the ex (and old patterns associated with him) is naturally sad for the body, it grieves losses. This dims our light, and we lose a little faith, a little joy. Instead of looking for that light in the ex, just turn inward and meditate, or hop in a tub and relax, or whatever… give space for the sadness, room for it to be felt and released. You’re not sad for no reason, there’s always a reason. Give yourself the space to cry, and the reason often heals, releases.

Of course, it could be biological… and you could check with a nutritionist or doctor. I know a low amount of vitamin D can sometimes produce emotional instability, so who knows.

With warmth,
Matt

Godmother,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and know how dumbfounding a major shift can become. 30 years is a long time to be finding comfort from your career, and it makes sense that you’d be feeling grief. Consider that sometimes we go through a change “forced” on us by circumstances, but often find it is a perfect opportunity for reflection, recalibration, and relaxation. Its tough, because we’re so used to running and running, and often feel agitated and restless. If we can accept that the hermit goes into the cave, not to be isolated, not as punishment or as a result of a mistake… but to get some perspective on her dance, her aims, her feelings, then instead of chasing answers, we can give ourselves space to let those answers blossom.

Merlin is told as going into his crystal cave for reflection, counsel, and recharging. Not as “defeated”, but knowingly, with intention. So are you! From your words, it seems to me what needs recharging is your feeling of playfulness. Perhaps the inner child has been sleeping, dear sister, while you bustled your way along through the stresses. Yet, here you are in the cave, still stressing and seeking and bustling. Consider a different approach.

Cut at the feeling of guilt, for resting, directly. Just see how it doesn’t make sense, and let it go. You have a tender body, dear sister, and it deserves your care, needs it. Of course you need to make space, heal, adjust, and re-aim. Take some time, rest and recoup. Don’t plow through self improvement like a new career to keep you busy while away from your “real home”… do it as a walk through a garden, smelling and seeing beauty. Patiently, with gentleness and pampering. Being self caring is not self indulgence… its being skillful.

Then, slowly, over time… the space you make will light up with joy, and the playfulness can blossom. For me, it was like smacking myself on the forehead with my palm “Ooooh, we’re children! Why do we play such a painful game?” Being an “adult” had come to mean being self sacrificing. For my kids, for my career, for my marriage. However, when we make space to care for ourselves, to know ourselves, we become wise without deadening our playfulness. Said differently, so, you’re feeling a little aimless? Consider just patiently scribbling for awhile, my dear sister, and eventually you’ll find your art. Then your path will be like a dance, instead of a struggle. Effort, sure, but grace, fluidity.

Namaste, dear friend, may you find peace.

With warmth,
Matt

Anyone,

I’m so sorry for your suffering, and know how painful life can be at times. Don’t despair, dear friend, because as chaotic as it looks now, there is always a path to joy. Sometimes when we don’t love ourselves deeply, we become unstable and make all sorts of dumb decisions. The lucky ones learn from their mistakes and grow. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find a path of balance and joy. We’re born with a few instincts, but rely on our parents and teachers to show us the ropes. Consider it takes us a long time to learn the alphabet, counting, history…. and it takes a long time to figure out balance. Its tricky! So, you screwed up… it happens. You only feel guilt because you have a great heart, and it doesnt want to do harm. Also consider that your decisions were based out of lonesomeness, not malice. Your heart ached, and you looked in unskillful places to find warmth, connection. You’re not the only one, sister, most of us have.

Consider that a simple solution to your puzzle is perhaps accepting that you were lonely, made choices that you don’t want to go through again, but that loneliness is natural, usual, part of us. Nothing to be ashamed of. So, for your sake, instead of wandering around getting hurt because of it, find a more skillful way of feeling warm and connected. Said differently, you can turn that guilt right into the momentum of healing, so you don’t fall into those patterns ever again, for your sake.

This can be done through self nurturing, such as being kind and gentle with yourself. I know that you’ve been told to be strong, but being strong is also seeing when our body needs care, and going through the effort to see it done. Said differently, it may be seen as a “weakness” to “need to” hop in the tub and let the warm water comfort us, let our body and mind unravel and relax. However, when we see we’re in grief, it is actually quite strong when we make space. Bathing, meditation, yoga, walks in nature, soft music… or whatever helps you unwind, be at peace, settle. You have a tender body, a gentle mind, and your loving care for yourself is needed. It will help settle the loneliness, the longing for home… because you’ll already be there!

You act like you don’t deserve that forgiveness, as though your fumbling makes you unlovable. So you plead and beg, but its not like that at all. You’re a being of love, and its all around you. When we do dumb things our view gets cloudy, and produces icky feelings (guilt, shame, envy). There is nothing about you or your mistakes that make you less than… you simply are. A beautiful child, learning and growing, doing your best to find joy and home, just like the rest of us. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Consider “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown. She has a TED talk “The Power of Vulnerability” that you may also enjoy. She does a wonderful job of exposing the feeling of isolation, what drives it, and what to do about it.

Also, “Turning the Mind into an Ally” by Sakyong Mipham may resonate with you. What’s around you? What are you seeing? How are you relating to what you’re seeing? Holding yourself back? Etc. Are you your best friend and advocate? Is your mind gentle to yourself? Patient?

Namaste, happy seeking!