Alexandra,

In addition to the other kindly words offered, consider that the issue you seem to be wrestling with is shame. Consider that your family lied to you. They said, in words and emotions, that if you had a different nose, different ears, and different skin, they would accept you, love you, and be kind to you. This is simply not true. They were unkind, unloving, and unaccepting because of issues inside them. Like bullies, they had inner garbage, stress, and used whatever excuses they could find to express that inner stress. If you nose didn’t give them excuse, they would have picked something different. Maybe you smiled too much, hips too wide or too skinny, feet too small or too big, hair too long or too short. The issue was never you, it was their need to pick on someone, make themselves feel better by laughing at pointing at something. And there you were.

This feeling of shame is a very natural and normal result. Feeling disconnected because of something we are, have, or have done. As though there is a maze in front of us, a carrot. If only (something) were different, I would be worthy of kind connection.

The problem with such a maze is it is false. You can’t be disconnected, can’t earn acceptance from others. They accept or reject based on their own internal workings. The right nose, ears, lips, hips, skin, being a virgin…. none of that would stop a bully from finding an excuse to try to lift themselves up by stepping on your face.

If you can see a little glimmer here, I highly recommend you consider reading “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown. She has studied shame extensively, and has some great and inspiring things that she shares on the subject. She also has a TED talk that might also strike a chord, if you’re interested.

Finally, when we feel disconnected, there are a great many things we often try in order to find connection. Surgery, sex partners, self berating… All normal, usual, lovable, and do not put a stain on your beauty. They reveal it. Look at how much effort you have put into trying to find answers! You’ve never given up. Marvelous!

With warmth,
Matt

Kaz,

Consider that when a star collapses, it condenses into a black hole. Light, space, matter, time, all become irrelevant when they meet that gravity.

What she did was incredibly hurtful, vindictive, manipulative and cruel. To you, dear friend. You broke up with her, and in response, she turned herself into a black hole in your heart. Luckily, love does in fact have the power to escape the gravity. And forgiveness is the key. You have to forgive her for being so selfish. For being so cruel. For being so manipulative. For sucking away 10 years of your life. She used herself as a bomb to hurt you, and it worked. You don’t deserve to carry such a burden, no one does.

The guilt and analytical defenses for the guilt make perfect sense, and yet do not settle the black hole. They are only that crutch. It’s like a cycle of question mark to exclamation point, neither one accurate, an endless loop. The solution, sit, breathe, notice the guilt as a result of her manipulation hooking you, forgive her for doing that to you, and cry it out.

I can tell you feel like this wound, the black hole, you carry is never ending, but don’t despair, friend, it can heal if you let it. Your analytical habit is keeping the wound open, because you came to the wrong conclusion. Cycling around with the question “what did I do to her”, instead of “what did she do to me?”

May your heart touch upon the center of truth, find authentic grief, cry it out, and be free.

With warmth,
Matt

Tsukushi,

You are not going overboard, you’re climbing back into your own boat. He has shown you his true colors, that if he isn’t getting what he wants, he manipulates and belittles, threatens and becomes violent. Leaving him may be exactly the thing he needs to hit bottom and get help. Regardless, you have to do what is right for you. This is just a hump, a hill, and it makes sense that it would be scary. You’re on the cusp of freedom, dear sister, and have done the good work to prepare yourself for the flight. Breathe, jump.

May favorable winds carry you toward saftey and home.

With warmth,
Matt

Rose Tattoo,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and empathize with the feeling of a sinking boat. Sometimes when we become confused and overwhelmed, there is a sense of being stuck in an unworkable pattern or environment. This feeling can be very convincing, but it is never true, is just a feeling. Taking certain steps can raise the boat and get us moving again. A few things came to heart as I read your story.

Anger. A very fiery emotion, very explosive. But not unnatural. Rather, it is exactly natural, very normal, and reveals the issue, but is not in itself the issue. Consider: imagine someone stabbed you with a poisoned knife. The knife itself is sharp, and cuts deep. And then there is the poison, which brings much confusion. The knife here represents the boundary, the decision not to let him in again, and the poison is the feeling of being crazy when it hurts.

Consider: when our boundaries are invaded, stepped past, and ignored, our body responds very naturally with aggression. The anger you’re experiencing is normal, usual, a protective force that comes up to prepare you to fight off an attack. Like a knife sliding past your defenses, into your skin, and the wound radiates a fiery scream. All normal, all usual, all exactly a natural result.

Then, in addition to the knife blade, there is poison. He is charming, smiling, political, and venomous, and points his finger at your anger and calls you crazy. It’s not just him, many people (yourself included) call female fire crazy and irrational. As though a woman in pain, and screaming, is somehow broken or low for screaming. For having a feral, animal protective force that gets in the way of being a pretty little china doll. The result is a feeling like something is wrong with you for being so emotional.

But this is not yours, dear sister. There is nothing wrong with your emotions, they are working correctly. When you’re inna situation that dishonors you, your body responds with fire to alert you or others that serious shit is happening.

This combination pokes the hole in your boat. You feel angry, and ashamed that you feel angry. Meanwhile, because you feel like you are sinking, you remain more vulnerable to his charms, and so get more holes poked in your boat. Compounding that is the social isolation, where he tells people how crazy you are for not just taking the dagger with a smile. But don’t despair, dear friend, there is always a path toward joy. Always a way to fix the boat, and start rowing toward the sunrise.

The first step is validating your own emotions, accepting them, like we would give tender love to a child that is crying after falling down and skinning their knee. Of course the emotions well up. You’ve had some difficult history, and have been stepped on by yourself and others. Very natural to make mistakes like that, and the resulting emotions are automatic, unavoidable. You need hugs, not judgements. You need your warm arms to surround yourself, encompassing, validating, understanding, comforting. Consider: any wise and empathic being in your social environment, upon hearing him tell his tales of your hotness would see him as the twisted one. Like hearing a racist speak, the heart does not get on board with false and toxic words and think less of the race. If someone out there hears his charming poison and thinks less of you, that’s their weakness. Their ignorance at the fire and claws momma bear has to protect her beautiful daughters from trespass. The rose has thorns for a reason. Not crazy. Protective.

Glet,

Buddha gave a secret of nature to us, saying “being is sustained by fuel”. To understand this secret, we only need to stand bravely and look at our automatic reactions. Consider how you come from a disturbing and unfortunate past. Many reasons were there for you to cry, many people and situations that smacked into your heart, leaving much pain in their wake.

So now, when your dad goes to kiss you, it echoes from those past moments. Those echoes are from the fuel, the old goop and gunk and bruises. But the reaction is only a reflex, and that reflex fades with time and continued self loving steps. Said differently, being abused in the past forced a fuel of anxiety into you, and you will only have startle reactions until the fuel is exhausted. There is no need to fear that you will always flinch when dad tries to give love. No need to fear that something is forever broken or missing or wrong with you. Just a normal woman, learning to love herself more and more each day. And with each passing day, the fuel is consumed and erodes the reflexes.

And consider, my dear friend, that those reflexes are actually quite marvelous. You didn’t just bow down, roll over, and give up. Inside you, the force of love that was always protecting you became that fuel, held deep inside. Like, when dad went to kiss you, you responded with protection, removal, like slapping his lips away from you. Sure, in that moment it wasn’t necessary, but it sure shows a strength of a passionate woman, ready to defend her boarders. Wonderful!

Finally, be extra patient with yourself as you let go of the past. Instead of being afraid that another shoe will drop, consider: even though it hurt, you survived many shoes dropping already. And here you are, learning to self love anyway. Here you are, not having given up on humankind, and looking for connection and grace. You, dear sister, inspire my belief in the enduring nature of the heart.

With warmth,
Matt

Pranit123,

Consider searching YouTube for “The Science of Awkwardness”. You seem to be over inflating the importance of your position in other people’s story. Ego boosts our own importance, creating foolish internal dialoge imagining them saying “hey everyone, gather around so we can watch pranit123’s imperfect dancing and laugh and point.” Said differently, the other people in the dance hall are either 1) busy dancing or 2) busy with their own fears of dancing awkwardly, or 3) thinking about what they are going to have for breakfast.

With warmth,
Matt

Abhishek,

If at first you don’t succeed, ask, ask again? Consider: you kept probing, and she said no thank you. Why she said no thank you is not really any of your business, and will continue to drain you if you keep seeking answers. This includes making up answers in your brain trying to make her fit into what you think she should do, what a normal being does, the need for introspection, and all those other crafty excuses your mind develops to keep probing.

Said differently, you have been spending too much time on her side, and little time on your side. This causes you to be depressed, because who is giving tender attention to Abhishek? Not Abhishek! That big fat question mark of a mystery is one you resolve by walking away from the mystery.

The vision I got is one of a boy that poked his finger into the center of a flower bud, frustrated that it wouldn’t bloom, so he kept poking and poking. No lessons there, friend. Move on.

With warmth,
Matt

Kat,

Heartfelt connection is what drives long term attraction. Consider: in the beginning stages of connecting with another, there is a newness, a freshness to their body that creates a lot of attraction. Over time, that attraction naturally diminishes. Like, a brand new car is amazing at first, but over time is just “that old thing”.

Luckily, heartfelt connection more than makes up for that. We are constantly growing and changing, and when we are sharing that growth and change with one another, a deeper, more nurturing attraction happens. This is why him saying things that have been on his chest increased his feeling of attraction. Said differently, his level of desire has nothing to do with your physical beauty. He is falsly associating a non-causal relationship. Like, thinking the symptom is the disease. Oops, no biggie. I’m positive you have plenty of amazing and dazzling womanly features. Sometimes its just difficult to see across a gap.

To close the gap, consider spending more time courageously heart to heart. Such as, drop the filters, become naked before each other, saying what you think and feel. Drop the masks, let it flow out. It may be disorienting, but it gets easier with practice. For instance “I do not find you attractive anymore.” Met by “that hurts my feelings, I’m feeling less beautiful right now” met by “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I’m confused about what to do” met by “let’s talk out whatever this wall is between us, we’ll figure it out” and so on and so forth.

What I have seen, the distance isn’t caused by anything lasting, just two people afraid and pulling back, the goop of daily stress clouding the vision between you two. So take a breath, open up, and dive toward. The goop that comes up can just flow behind you, seen as a side effect of the distance, rather than some enduring problem. Like, the more you two connect directly, the more attractive you appear to one another, the more passion arises, so even if he starts with “you seem ugly right now”, its more like puss than truth. Even for him.

Also, be sure to ask him what his fantasies are, and tell him yours. There are probably a great many things he’d like you to do that you would love to do, but he is afraid to ask. And vice versa.

With warmth,
Matt