Jason,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the painfulness of isolation and aimlessness. Like a ship without keel, swaying this way and that, depending on the daily breeze, alone in a vast ocean of time and space. Fine while hunting, comfortable when hunting, but aside from hunting, what have you got? A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The place you’re at is normal, usual, happens to most of us, and is actually quite fertile. Its like a big question mark, a “hmm, what next” kind of space. Wisdom grows quick here, so be peaceful!

Consider that you’ve noticed how material happiness isn’t lasting, isn’t keeping the playful boy alive. Actually, its keeping him snoozing, distracted from what makes you happy, joyous. Said differently, don’t buy the machismo BS, the mentality that it is through endless grinding of our body against nature that brings us skill, power. Instead, its through hunting and home, action and nurturing… we find a balance of charging into the nature with courage, and then sitting down, resting, licking wounds, finding inner peace. This allows us to sidestep needing the whack-a-mole game to amuse us. Another toy to buy, thing to have, task to do, game to hunt… gets boring, thankfully.

Instead, as we turn to self nurturing, or being alone in a comfortable environment that inspires us quietly, such as nature, museum, gallery, bath tub, and trying to just be at ease, restful in body and mind. Letting go of the past, stop pushing toward the future, and just be, present. This let’s the light rekindle, the inner Jason-boy to come out and play. More mature now, better at aiming, more awake, but the same kid on a journey in a sandbox. What do you want to do next, friend? Its your canvas!

As far as the feeling of joyousness, that arises alongside skillful giving. Being generous. My teacher helped me see that as we offer our positive intentions skillfully toward the good of self and others, our bodies respond with an appreciative joy, grateful to feel connected, additive. Even if it doesn’t turn out, such as offering your wife a spontaneous shoulder massage and she shuns you, pushes you away, you could rest knowing that you did your best, followed your heart, tried to reach out, and so forth. Not “ahhh, she doesn’t want me” or “dang, I wanted sex”, or what not, not as absorbed into each attempt… joy sprouts from our own good intentions, not their result.

And then, its just a play, a garden to grow. What do you like to do? Want to find your wife again? Want to move on? Finding her is more about wooing, less about rebuilding. Her heart a stranger to yours? Break out the old flirting textbooks and pick a few that sing to your heart. You found her once, you can do it again. If you want to, of course. Less dwelling, “oh, don’t you remember how we used to…”, more, “holy shit you’re beautiful, would you share a dance with me, dear love?”

Namaste, brother, may your rudder find its purchase.

With warmth,
Matt

N,

Its not that there’s nothing, such as emptiness with nothing there. Rather, its an emptiness of inherent meaning from its side. The job’s not horrible, its perhaps repetitive, but we bring the horror to an otherwise empty canvas. Removing confusion and false views doesn’t make us robotic such as empty of desire, making the job pointless, rather, it helps us keep our attentions on what does matter, tend our desires skillfully.

Such as, if you don’t prefer your current job, the dissatisfaction, thinking, worrying, complaining… can use up far more energy than the job itself. If we learn how to drop the horror aspect, that energy could go toward building a better dream, one that inspires our passion, our heartsong. The job becomes a crutch, a helpful tool in getting you onward, but not part of you, not defining of you.

As far as apathy for self or others, consider that if you drop a hammer on your foot, it hurts. When we share a good hug, we feel warmth. Its not nothing, these things do matter. They’re just impermanent, like smelling a blossom. Sure, it fades, but its a jewel while it lasts. Sure, pain fades, but holy shit while it lasts. Trying to deny it just leads to suppression, over cognizing, trying to escape into philosophy. Lasting happiness comes as we see that the hammer and the hug don’t produce lasting happiness or suffering, they’re empty of any defining quality. Smile with the hug, weep with the hammer, move on, be free. Happiness builds from our inner light that rests alongside these blips.

Finally, consider picking up a metta meditation practice. Your song has notes of hopelessness, which as reasonable as it feels, it really just means your light has burned dim. Metta helps us find a smooth, peaceful mind, so we can approach our puzzle without all the dread and fear. Our story isn’t horror, dear brother, its a comedy. So much buzzing.

Namaste, dear friend, may your mind settle, heart blossom.

With warmth,
Matt

Brian,

I’m sorry for your loss, and can understand how its difficult to grieve paths we could have walked, but now cannot. Darn. Letting go is about finding acceptance for yourself, who you really are, right here and now, from root to leaf. Its just who you are, its no biggie.

The path you’re walking is tough, with male energy in a female body… atypical enough that its often met with confusion or judgment, frequent enough to get a label. Ick. On behalf of humanity, sorry for our dumbness.

Consider that we can’t go back and change anything, so yearning backwards is like flushing our precious dreaming energy down a toilet. If only I could have had the proper attention back then, now would be different, better. But, nope, didn’t, wasn’t, dangit. So we stand up, and do the best with what we have.

I think you’re a treasure. What a perspective you can gain in figuring out your balance, your song! As you gain more self acceptance, that need to be known by others kinda fades, melts, and their entrapment into molds and views is met with empathy, maybe some pity. But “not mine”, not an issue with Brian, who he is. After all, in a dress or in pants, its your heartsong that makes you sparkle. Not having an inny or an outy, looking like they expect, being what they expect.

Finally, its natural to feel at odds with your body, to resent it for failing you. Consider though that it can’t help it, its just what it is. It still needs your tender care, loving attention. To rest with it, accept it, be at peace. Consider starting a metta meditation practice. Sometimes its easier to find self acceptance when we have a peaceful, smooth mind. Growing warm, friendly feelings helps to accomplish this, so we can look around politely, like our life is alive, and meet our puzzle with curiosity instead of fear. Said differently, some of your anxiety may naturally drift off if you increase your self-nurturing time, which metta does well. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Namaste, dear brother, may your roots grow deep equanimity.

With warmth,
Matt

Inky,

Is this the same friend that did date your husband? Or is that two women that have yelled “I’m not after your husband”?

You don’t seem that big on forgiveness, turning the other cheek. More like “turn your back”, shut out, shut down. Authentic forgiveness, such as seeing people spin, act foolishly, and empathizing how difficult life and balance is for us all removes the dread that accompanies prideful judgment. The dread arises from cold heartedness, battle mode, casting aside the people that dare transgress against us, seeing them as lower, lesser. Said differently, perhaps when the FB block happened, it smacked Inky in such a way her mind grabbed it, now cycles around it, producing all sorts of illusions, thoughts, feelings. Deep forgiveness, whoa-ho, freedom!

With warmth,
Matt

David,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how resentment can fester in the heart of a good man. There’s a feeling, a desire to be good, productive, helpful, a hero, but as we look back at the cruelty we endured, do others really deserve our grace? People are selfish, mean, abusive, distracted… its easy to become motivated to become a champion just to spit in their arrogant faces. But you’re right, that’s not fuel for a happy journey. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that people don’t really choose to be cruel. From conditions beyond their control, such as their parents, their brain chemistry, fears, and so forth, people do all sorts of dumb things. Thoughtless things. We push each other over on the playground, trying to figure out just how tall we are, turning competitive instead of co-creative. Its normal, usual, and happens to most of us.

To heal from this we find authentic forgiveness. We have to look at our abusers in our minds eye and choose to forgive them, heal, reclaim our peace from them. “Mom, no matter the conditions that brought your painful barbs, I forgive you. May we be free from any leftover afflictions. School bully, no matter what conditions brought your actions, I forgive you. May we be free from any leftover afflictions.” As we choose to make space, find compassion, choose to see “mom” and “brother” again, rather than “bipolar abusive parent” or “bully”, the resentment fades. Why resent that your mom has had difficulty with balance? Its hard enough for her, without making it about you.

Consider that forgiving isn’t really about them, such as a gift you give to them because they are deserving. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves to be free from our past. Doctor, janitor, pilot… what does it matter if your head is stuck in the past? Why let clouds of past memories hold sway in the present? We can choose to set it down, let it go, forgive, accept, move on. Then, their karma is theirs, and ours is ours. Their height is between them and their genetics and nutrition, and your height is between you and your genetics and nutrition. The rest is laughable, empty of meaning. He thinks he’s better because he’s taller? That’s an interesting perception. He thinks he’s worse because he’s shorter? That’s an interesting perception.

Finally, consider starting a metta meditation practice. This anger at your parents is probably projected because your body is being overtaxed. If we don’t take time to be kind, set down the whip, and be still, silent, aware, our bodies start giving us all sorts of difficult emotional outbursts, painful mental images. Its just shadows of stress, and don’t mean we’re mean people or anything like that. Our stomachs growl when they’re hungry, and our heart growls when its tired. Metta helps us to find rest, recharge that inner lightness, warmth in our heart. What starts as a quest to find out if we’re a good person usually ends in laughter as we find out how to be self caring, let go, move on. We just have to be patient, and wait for the clouds to pass. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

Namaste, brother, may you find your raft and paddle.

With warmth,
Matt

Bill,

So what’s your question?

Consider that desire (ambition) isn’t good or bad. This struggle you talk about is mostly internal, but affects our view of the external. A good rule of thumb for growing a healthy dream is be heartfelt. The posture is like teaching a child the alphabet. We know the letters, have a deep desire for them to learn, but with a temperance, vast patience to let them blossom, learn as they do. Growing a garden is the same. Have a vision of what you’d like to see, till the soil, plant, tend… but then have patience as its growth happens in its own time. Water, tend, wait.

Don’t let the whole “the world is a heap of shit” delusion stop your heart from dancing. Million happy people, million ripples of light. How else do we make the world a more loving place except by being the light we wish there to be in it? Its in your hands, brother, what needs your help? Including yourself, of course, as a tender piece of nature asking great questions. Look around! What do you want to do with your time? You a hero? Of what?

Finally, consider a metta meditation practice. Your questions seem to be part curiosity part complaint. The complaint part fades as we spend time cultivating loving feelings. Messy floor? Why feel bad? Just grab a broom, sweep it up, move on. “But people are so messy!” Hehe, yep. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

With warmth,
Matt

Little Buddha,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the big impact we seem to have sometimes. Look at all the harm you did to your girlfriend because of your unskillful behaviors… and golly, who are you, anyway? What’s your place in the universe? Don’t despair, dear friend, because it all knits together along the way. Said differently, these questions you’re asking drive bodhicitta, or the emotional yearning for freedom from our suffering, and helps produce the fertility we need to actually grow. Its true that your actions have consequences, and being ignorant of your balance with nature leaves you vulnerable to a whole mess of painful feelings. Other than that, its no big deal. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The nut of your issue may be that you think the answer, the joy, is somewhere “out there”. As though some “right way of being” or “right menu order” or “right Little Buddha” would give you satisfaction, peace. But, not having had much success with that, there’s no confidence that any given path you choose will make you happy. So, order a dinner and “shit, will that make me happy.” Nope, it didn’t, and next time you order, even less hope that you’re choosing correctly.

To bounce out of this, stop trying to grab outward for happiness, learn to grow it internally. Learn to sit, make a little tender space, and let your light grow. This is done through self nurturing, or being kind to ourselves. Relaxing, accepting where we are in time and space, and just breathing. Consider “Bhante Gunaratana guided metta meditation” on YouTube for a great exercise, if interested. Once a day for a few weeks should see a grand improvement, if listening close.

Next, consider that self acceptance is really helpful as we try to learn how to dance. You’re a fuckup, no doubt about it, but that’s just fine, normal. Buddha noticed how we have a fundamental ignorance on how to find balance, skillfulness, and it can be tricky. Lots of emotions, desires, needs, views… mash together and we have no clue what to do, act selfishly, growly, whatever. Normal, usual, unavoidable… skinned knees of otherwise loving beings.

Consider, if you didn’t love a lot, it wouldn’t be scary, wouldn’t matter. You have heart, with clouds of fear/judgment, so its painful. Learn to let go of the skinned knees, and walking, deciding, becomes less scary. Again, just sitting, breathing, accepting does most of the work, its not really in the menu choices. Inky was spot on, the sandwich or salad shouldn’t be that scary. Its food. You’re an eternal being, on a journey in a body that will eat thousands of times. Yes, be mindful as you eat, but each meal is small, empty of meaning, nothing to fear. Too much grease, upset stomach, too much noise, upset mind. Its not like Little Buddha is stained, bad, or harmful. Just learning to walk, run, play. Wanting to be kind, falling into habits. Another normal human being.

Finally, we don’t cause other peoples emotions or thoughts. As unskillful as you were, what she did with your actions is her business, her karma. Its from kindness that we wish to feel guilt for their suffering, but for instance, she could have just seen an unskillful friend floundering, and never made it about her. Kids do this often “mom, dad, if you don’t give me cookies, I won’t love you” and we smile and ask her to finish her veggies. Its not about us, she just wants a cookie, lashing, grasping. Forgive, move on. Consider a healing mantra: “I forgive myself for any decisions, responses, or reactions that lead to suffering. I forgive her for any decisions, responses, or reactions that lead to suffering. May we learn the lessons and be free from affliction.”

Namaste, friend, may you find the tender humility needed to grow wisdom. Then, peace.

With warmth,
Matt

Tracey,

Well… when the cycle gets tiresome enough, we build a yearning for freedom from it that lasts through the up times. Said differently, consider not waiting until you’re crying, sipping tea and exhausted. Be proactive! No excuses! Its your life sister, live it well.

Consider starting a loving-kindness meditation practice. When we collide with many experiences in our day to day life, our inner light, our feeling of appreciative joy, can begin to dim and flicker. This often results in a feeling of hopelessness and grief, like shadows creeping into a poorly lit room. As we sit and focus our attention on kind ideas, the inner light is rekindled, refreshed. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Finally, Tracey, I know it can be a big bite to turn away from our habit of getting comfort from others, feeling anger that others don’t solve our issues with feeling cruddy, and overcoming the sense of powerlessness. Its tough, dear sister, but its also our path to freedom. Consider that there is a wise, peaceful, happy being inside each of us, often buried under a mountain of stress and discomfort. Learning to set aside the mountain, to rest in that center being, the inner Goddess-Tracey, only really happens when you give up the cosmic shell game of “where’s my protector”. Put your butt on a cushion, cultivate some warm feelings, and you’ll wonder why you stressed so much, why the blue skies ever looked so cloudy. Excuses? Ha! They’re like a bird saying she doesn’t have wings. Its inside you, sis, the knowledge and wisdom it takes to be free. Find it!

With warmth,
Matt