VK,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and know how low we can feel sometimes after a struggle with an aggressive being. Sometimes when we feel low, generally unhappy with who we are as a person, we become vulnerable to other people’s opinion, give them the keys to our well being, and then despair when they fail to honor that gift. The healing comes, not from them changing, but rather from being more responsible with our own self. Said differently, VK is a beauty, but when that goes unnoticed, someone else saying “VK is ugly” seems to tear at us, harm us. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that its time for you to take your power back. If in was standing there, watching the exchange, you would not appear less in my eyes, his words would appear to spring forward from his own bullshit, and have nothing to do with you. You have nothing to be ashamed of, he does, but you have tried to walk a heartfelt path, and that’s clear, shines around you like an aura.

At some point, we have to accept that snakes are snakes, and when we dance close to them, we can get bitten. A stronger, more stable VK perhaps could have stepped aside, not taken it in. “Uhh, you’re rude, sorry, I’m done with you.” And walked away. Hey, listen to those birds singing! What a beautiful day! But, you wanted him to see you favorably, wanted things to work, and that desire gives him an in,even now. As though his opinions mean anything… reflect some part of you more truly that your own two eyes. From a different direction, if a three year old came up to you and insisted that the sky was green, grass is blue, would you think maybe that was true? Maybe you were seeing things wrongly? The same is true with him. He says this and that, blames, shames, grabs… but because he is weak, stuck, unable to bear the wright of his own crap. So he tries to offload it to you. “You make me mad”, nope, false. He’s mad because his mind is unkempt. “You’re unlovable”, nope false. Love is in the heart of the lover, and his lack has to do with him, not you. On and on, his baggage tries to become placed on your shoulders, and it is not yours, never has been.

What’s yours is taking his garbage in, knowing he is corrosive and getting close. Like willingly jumping into a snake pit, getting bitten, and becoming feverish from the venom. Now that you see it, though, you won’t do it again, right? Lesson learned, “VK deserves tenderness, kisses, not bites.” Well, some biting might be fun, but in a much different context.

Consider, now, turning away from him, his reflections, his baggage. Yes, it would have been great if he could have treated you with tenderness, but he didn’t, so its up to you! Time to be the tenderness you’re looking for, and become more gentle, kind to your heart. Consider getting back to the self nurturing that you did before getting swept into the love/hate passionfest. Go for walks in nature, hop in the tub, continue participating in exploring the world with like minded people. Your heart is stronger than you know, and will heal in time. As we self nurture, we offer our body and mind the space it needs to heal, find its balance, come home to the tender space of compassion and happiness inside us. When that is stable, a person yelling at you looks way different. Either “Wow, what a dick. Glad I’m not him” or “I wonder what conditions bring that kind of blabbering behavior” or “sorry, friend, this bullshit you’re spinning isn’t mine.” Etc. Not “oh no, he broke me”. He.did.not.

Finally, try not to hold too much resentment for the venom he offered you. His past is perhaps long and arduous, as healthy people don’t act like that. Get away, yes, keep away from the snake pit. But don’t resent the snakes for being snakes, that just how they are right now, the conditions of their own life, their makeup. Turn away, walk away, and their hissing becomes laughable. Like his heart is open enough to see you, reflect you truly… ha. If his heart was clear, he would lay his wand at your feet in honor of your beauty. His unwillingness/inability to do that has nothing to do with you. “Not mine” taught the Buddha.

Namaste, dear sister, may your clouds break, sunlight shining from within.

With warmth,
Matt

Ely,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how difficult it can be to turn away. Consider that while you two were together, you both nose dived into painful feelings. When we don’t know how to right ourselves, how to brush off from a tough moment and find some peace, it can lead to really unstable romances. If one partner is off, no biggie. The other can nurture, bring the other home. If both are off, however, look out. Both crying “I’m hungry” and no one eating. Said differently, when neither partner is good at self nurturing, finding inner happiness, acceptance, and look to the relationship for caregiving, it can quickly drain romance. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, love is not black and white. It flows, ebbs, rises, fades, blossoms… many flavors, styles, forms. I think what you’re experiencing is him realizing he’s looking for his safe spaces his feeling of happiness, and you’re not it. That’s good, needed. We all have to find our own inner happiness, no one can give that to us… despite the many fairy tales and movies. For him, it sounds like being with you right now is confusing, pulls his attention away from where he feels he needs to look.

Which is kind of what you sound like, right now. The pain of loss, fear of going alone, pushing you to reach toward him over and over. Fantasies, questions, puzzles, wishes… attention directed toward him, his side, his life, his reasons, his feelings. This isn’t that helpful for you, right now, because you have your own flock to tend. Your own “OK, without him, who am I? If I could do anything, *anything*, what would it be? Where do I wish to take my journey, this life?” That’s where your happiness is, dear sister, getting in tune with that, acting from that space. Not “What am I to him?” but “What next?”

Next, there are indicators of codependency in your stories, such as the notions of saving each other, and Pia Melody has done some great work at helping people understand and let go of that kind of behavioral/thinking pattern. “Pia Mellody Facing Codependence” on amazon if interested.

As far as the “maybe we’ll get back together someday”, its true. Maybe, who knows. However, consider that before that could be stable, finding your inner stability is needed. Said differently, even if you two get back together, if you don’t have good self nurturing habits, improved boundaries and so forth (explained well by Mellody), when stress hits you both at the same time, it’ll look awfully familiar, and distasteful. So, turn that ship, sis! What do you actually need right now? Was there anything you neglected while tending him?

Finally, the main cause that drives that inner cruddy feeling is often poor self nurturing habits. When we offer too much attention to others, even our partners, and not enough toward ourselves, we’re left neglected, drained, light dim. We have to learn to turn the ship away, steer our attention toward our own hobbies and interests. Dusting off the guitar, breaking out the old sketch pad, sewing machine, journal, bowling ball… whatever… when we’re feeling low, its time to scribble, play, find our inner smile. My favorite of these is metta meditation, where we set down then past and future and cultivate positive thoughts and feelings. As we sit and breathe, wishing for ourselves and others to be happy, our mind becomes peaceful and smooth. First we intentionally think friendly thoughts, then we starting having friendly thoughts, then we feel friendly, warm feelings. Natural, simple steps. Any self nurturing activities do this, so if meditation isn’t your thing, creating art, walking in nature, a bath with candles, soft music. If we unplug from the many stories, and simply let ourselves unwind, our hearts get the air they need to shine. Said differently, when our mind is busy racing, we don’t have the space to hear the whispers from our heart. That’s where you’ll find Ely, waiting for you. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Namaste, dear sister, may your heartfelt dreams blossom with ease.

With warmth,
Matt

Lee,

In contrast to passionateself’s ideas of moving away from the sadness, consider: When you feel like crying, cry. When you feel like writing, write. Follow that, and you’ll find the beauty around you, yard or no. Not that not having a yard is petty, its from a loving place. But doors close, windows open… for instance, perhaps no garden outside right now, but inside, you’re weeding the garden there. Approaching your resentment and blame, questioning your happiness, looking for peace. That matters, in my opinion, far more than one outside.

Perhaps, as a small example, your son seeing your struggles with romance, seeing his dad act in such ways, and yet seeing you find forgiveness, respect for his dad, despite the issues… will give him a steadfastness that will help his future be brighter. Learning great lessons of heart while with you, safe, second hand, so he doesn’t have to go through something similar with his partner. It all knits together when we let it, dear sister, and sometimes its difficult to see how we’re being lead down our path of joy, but we always are. Some meals tougher to chew than others, but rich, nourishing, helping us grow.

Namaste, sister, may your days blossom with forgiveness, deepening contentment, and inspiration to grow your garden, wherever you might be.

With warmth,
Matt

Hazel,

It sounds like you have stress fatigue, bordering on burnout. What are your self nurturing habits like? If you’re breathing in a bunch of negative energy at work, are you ever breathing it out? Finding home? Sometimes, when we are stressed, we try to avoid ourselves, diving into distractions, such as TV, novels, FB, alcohol, sex. This is like taking aspirin for a dehydration headache. The pain may subside, but its drinking water that’s really needed. Distractions ease the stress a little, but we really need time and space to unwind, rather than jump to a new story.

Consider trying a metta meditation practice. Sometimes when we work in stressful environments, such as customer service, the overburden leaves us thinking a lot about ourselves. How we feel, how our pain feels, how other make us feel. This leaves us vulnerable to a lot of extra pain. If we can turn this focus around, from the inside to a balance of inside and outside, it becomes much simpler, smoother. Said differently, sometimes when we experience mental pain, our brain grabs onto stuff, “work” “that last caller” “household” and cycles around it. This uses up our precious concentration, mental energy. Metta, or the feeling of loving kindness, helps open the mind back up, helps it become peaceful and smooth. That’s when we can see the path in front of us, and if we don’t like what we see, dream a better dream. Otherwise we are often too pinbally brained to see two feet in front of us. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Or, have more tub time, recruit your partner to give you lots of tender attention, take walks in nature… things that help remind you how beautiful life really is, how precious.

When we’re buoyant, building our dream is much simpler. If we overlook this critical piece, tending our gentle bodies, getting a new job doesn’t help us. It ends up looking the same… inner fire burning low turns even the prettiest gardens into shadow and fear. Stress fatigue turns even our dream job into a grind.

Finally, sometimes our pain feels eternal, such as “I’m stuck now, in pain now, so therefore this is how I’ll be forever.” Pain is really good at drawing our attention like that. With physical pain, it stops as the body heals. With emotional pain, it stops when the body heals. We just have to do the work, breathe and find peace with what is. That’s when the pain fades, the “eternal suffering” seen for its genuine, impermanent quality. Call Center, plus Unemployed partner, plus poor self nurturing patterns, plus the “eternally stuck” fear… equals hopelessness. Remove, change, or shift any of the pieces, and the whole of your point of view can change. If you let it. Let it!

With warmth,
Matt

Jay,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the confusion that happens as trust is broken, and hearts begin to grow apart. Sometimes our issues in a relationship (her hiding, your insecurities, etc), put a strain on one another, and over time we lose trust. Feelings remain, love stays in shades, but the willingness to work on the connection erodes, mistrust that its going somewhere beautiful. The confusion here is very natural, feelings all mashing around inside, beehive stirred. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, and this might sting, its time to throw in the towel. Stop trying to figure her out, looking at her pictures, dreaming of different paths, walked or unwalked. She’s been clear that the blossom has faded, dear brother.

Yes, but the what if, right? And the remaining desire? Rather than what if, consider “even if”. Such as “even if we connect again down the road, we will be strangers.” With all the burns between you, it’d be tough, and you’d both have to have boatloads of acceptance for each other, all that you’ve been. Every poop, every penis, every lie, leaf to root. Some, heavier meals than others, such as cheating, deceptions, whatnot. Old karma. And, all the stubbed toes that would crop up freshly, because growth of heart is often slow, and while “trying again” seems bright at first, you’re still pretty similar to the people you were last time, with the same struggles.

So, grieve it, friend, let it go. When it arises, try to give a toast to something once beautiful, then get back to your life without her. Try not to bear a grudge, both of you perfectly imperfect, both trying to figure out your happiness. As you forgive her, you’ll make space for your next partner, with a much deeper appreciation for the need to tend our love gently, from a place of bounty. Said differently, notice how its better not to cling to a torch until it snuffs out, rather we follow our own path, with strength, building our life. Do the dishes, shine the shoes, fix what’s broken, laugh with friends and family. Then, as we come back to her, or to any goddess, we have light to share, space to grow something beautiful with her, and the strength to be open, accepting, appreciating that her heart is with you now, no matter where its been before. We all have stories.

Said differently, from a different direction, consider how our partners want to be accepted, and when we cling to their history, they feel judged by our fears, are blamed for them, as though she messed up. She said no for a year? How many times did you ask her? And, sorry to the kid in you, women often love all their romantic partners on some level, forever. So do some men. That’s part of our majesty, remarkable. But oops, you feared, poked, instead of respecting it. Consider a question you could have asked was “Are you sure you love me? Wish to be with me? Would you remind me of our playful space? My heart feels heavy.” Very normal to struggle with this, very usual… something a lot of us do the first few times. Or many, many times, before finding our tender courage. But, maybe next time, you’ll be ready. Dishes clean, shoes sparkling, heart peaceful, etc. What needs scrubbin? Shine outside helps the shine inside, and vice versa. So perk up! 🙂

Finally, don’t underestimate the amount of time you need to spend in your cave, refueling. Self nurturing keeps our energy strong, light bright. Nutrition, rest, exercise, balance. Consider starting a metta practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship, and helps us to relax and be open in then present moment, with a peaceful mind, less jumping into the past and future. It builds concentration quickly, so we can attend the dishes, shoes, children, partners, whomever, with focus, openness. That’s where all the fun is, and growth. 🙂 “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Namaste, dear brother, may your breaths be rich and healing along your path.

With warmth,
Matt

Denise,

This happens to me, too. Sometimes, there’s just nothing there. I don’t fret it too much, don’t become too worried that I’m not saying the right thing. Sometimes saying nothing is the right thing. If you want to keep engaging with them, you can ask them questions about their stories, rather than trying to give a commentary.

Also, try to accept that its awkward sometimes. Still normal, usual, lovable. Flub a joke? Smile, breathe, keep going, oh well. Blurt an overshare? Most do, laugh along, keep going. Ya know? Who cares? Social dancing is awkward for most of us, but we get better with practice (when not swamped by fear). Said differently, I find social awkwardness endearing… it has a way of stopping trains in their tracks, giving everyone a moment of “huh?”. What a joy! When we don’t know what to say next, we have the space to say anything.

With warmth,
Matt

Alyce,

In addition to TRs heartfelt and wise words, consider that you can’t control others. Your heart is so strong, it wants to run to the aid of every family member, as a superwoman, a champion of love, justice. But they don’t see it, make choices that scare you, seem wrong, foolish, whatnot. Ick, what to do? The conflicts can quickly stack up, leave impressions on us, until to see our children, loved ones, is to see a mess. Chaos.

The secret here is to let it go. You can’t control it, can’t be the anchor. Can’t stop them from making mistakes, and sometimes they’re not even mistakes, they know it better than you. But you did your best, and that’s all we can do. You brought your heart, to them, and in the closet crying. There you were, what a beauty.

To let the past go, consider forgiving yourself, others, and hoping that whatever ripples show up for them today are warm, happy, full of safety and friendship. As TR gently noted, consider saying “they’re on their journey, where do I wish to take mine” and pick up a brush and lay some paint to canvas. What do you want to see on it?

This helps us in many ways, including becoming more nourishing to our loved ones, when we feel the inspiration to give it, choose to. “I need some space, I’m heading into my cave for awhile to paint/sew/meditate/craft/whatever” is often the most loving choice. For them, and us.

With warmth,
Matt

Big Blue,

Do you not have a break pedal? Its all or nothing? Can you take a taste, share a dance, and see where it goes? It seems that as your heart gets intrigued, your mind starts running in all sorts of “what if” fantasies. Can you set that aside? That’s where the freedom rests… not in avoiding or grasping at her. If you go on a date, be there. If you’re not on a date, be where you are, do your do, set down the future possibilities and tend your life, be present, clean the dishes, carry the water, chop the wood.

BB, it seems like you’re scared of your feelings, which is normal because they can be painful sometimes. If you both share interests, go enjoy some together if she’s interested. You can’t predict the outcome, and trying to dream up other people’s responses is a waste, and trying comes from fear. They’re not us, don’t act like us, so if we want to know their side, we have to talk to them about it. Said differently, how many conversations have you had with her in your head? Is it surprising that her responses sound like your own fears?

With warmth,
Matt