Glet,

It is so very normal and usual for someone who has been abused to feel panicked about sex. There are many similarities between sexual abuse and sex… similar motions, similar body parts involved, similar sensations. These similarities can initiate a lot of distress.

Have you ever considered finding a therapist to talk to about these panicked feelings? I was sexually abused too, and found great success in talking it out. It was like my abuser entered my house and made a mess of things, and the mess scared me, made feel broken, ashamed, different, isolated. With some tender direction, however, I was able to work it through, sort it out, and heal the emotional bruises and triggers.

The main thing to know is that it’s OK. You’re ok. Nothing permanent to your uncomfortable emotions, nothing lasting, nothing broken. The distance you feel between your emotional and physical desire is very normal. Have you spoken to your partner about your past? You don’t have to, of course, if you don’t want to, or if the trust isn’t there. But if you do trust him, talking to him about it may help him understand your need to take things slow.

Consider that the feral portion of sex is perhaps the smallest part, bodies humping, does mean little. However, sex is much, much more than that. It’s about intimacy, connection, trust, and togetherness.

With warmth,
Matt

Lotusflower,

When there is mud, we add the river. Soon it is a swamp, then a lake, then the ocean. The river, for me, is focused communication. One person speaks, one person listens, both being mindful and respectful, knowing the other being the main intention. Not fixing, not blaming, not stabbing, not judging, just sharing and knowing. The rest works out from there.

I understand theoryland may feel safer, but mudland is where the nourishment rests. Said differently, for a lotus to blossom, she breaks the seed husk and open her roots to draw nourishment from the mud. Do you have the courage to do that? Here where its anonymous? With him? With a therapist?

With warmth,
Matt

Phightphear,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and know how desperate life can feel sometimes. It’s as though a heavy fog descends across everything, and joy, brightness, freshness…. nowhere to be found. Don’t despair, dear friend, there is always a path to blue skies, and reaching out for help was a great step in seeing that fog lifted.

Consider that you’ve been through a few different kinds of stressful events. These events are like mosquito bites (sometimes pretty darn big mosquitoes). Consider that when the event happens, like being stabbed in the back, unkind words, a house fire, there is the initial bite and some blood sucked. This is like the immediate reaction, the startle or anger reflex, lasts just an intense moment. But then there is the welt, and it itches. We scratch and scratch, focus our attention there, and try to rub and tear at it in a way that produces relief from the itch. But the more we scratch, the more it itches, and soon we have bites and scratches.

Said differently, consider that there are the initial moments that hurt, and then the depressed feeling that lingers on. We try to overcome the depression, ignore it, soldier on, but it doesn’t seem to go away. The depression is disorienting, confounding, and makes finding peace and freshness seem impossible.

Now, on the surface, it may seem like a string of bad luck to be bitten by mosquitoes, and have itchy skin. However, its actually fortunate. Consider: people that have it easy do not meet the kind of challenge you’re going through. In Tibetan Buddhism, there is a notion of “the God realm”, where things are good and easy. Sunshine and roses all day. In that realm there is little challenge to ego, little cause for any growth. When the good times run out in the god realm (and they always do eventually), they crash into deep suffering. However, in the human realm we go through tribulation, and once we have found our smile in the face of the struggles, we find an inner resilience that cannot be lost.

Here and now, though, with the fog heavy, finding that inner smile can seem almost impossible. However, its easier than you think. There are simply a few keys. The first: forgive the initial bite, accept them. Such as, forgive the house fire, the fiancé, the lost work friends. Who knows exactly what the causes were for those events, but you don’t need to know tonset it down, let them go, and move on. “I forgive you, choose to let the past pass.” The second key is stop scratching. Consider, the events have pushed you into your head. Thinking about yourself, what happened to you, what they did to you, how you feel, you, you, you, you. This self focus is like itching, and too much of it just tears up your skin. Said differently, after the initial event, you focused too much on the event, grabbed it, tightened your fist around it. To stop, instead let the itch be met with peace, space, openness. Like focusing on the 90% of the skin that doesn’t itch, instead of the 10% that does.

To this end, its about self nurturing actions. Walks in nature, baths with candles, soft music, keeping a gratitude journal, exploring your inner artist, and meditation. Consider especially metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of warm friendliness, and is a direct counter energy to the fog. And, it can be grown with practice. A natural process, normal process, well walked path, reliable. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube. When we practice metta, we grow space around the itch so we don’t just automatically scratch. It shifts deep subconscious patterns, lifts the fog.

Finally, just as it took time and many events to create the fog, it will take time and effort to lift it. Stick with the good work, its effective. A few weeks with more intentional acts of nurturing and metta mediation, and the fog will be noticably thinner.

With warmth,
Matt

J,

In addition to the other kindly aimed words, consider that you’re making their actions all about you. As you’ve been away from their toxic qualities, consider how happiness has opened up, and a feeling of freedom has been felt. Without that freedom, such as when agoraphobic and anxious, your actions become much more lashy and in survival mode. Right?

So consider how brother and sister and mother all act out in various unskilled ways. These have little to nothing to do with you, and stem from their anxieties and agorophobic tendencies (or whatever form their suffering takes on.) Its not about you. It’s just them, doing what they do, trying to make everything the way they want it to be. You don’t owe them anything, such as going to the wedding, or letting the brother punch you. Your side is continuing to take the good actions in protecting your tenderness from their abusive qualities.

Said differently, perhaps issue one: your birth family are telling you things about yourself that aren’t true, and you’re grabbing onto their words and stabbing yourself with them. Perhaps issue two: your mother and brother and sister are stressed and self absorbed, and you don’t want them to be, so you grab onto their actions that don’t coincide with how you want them to be, and in your brain, stab at them.

The mantra or prayer that could help break apart this habit of yours is “Whatever the causes or conditions for your various behaviors, I choose to set down, abandon, forgive and move on.”

Finally, consider that cutting contact with toxic people is not selfish, it follows the saying “do no harm”. Consider for instance, when your brother hit your husband, your brother’s fist and mind were also harmed. Not just you, husband, and kids. By putting distance, you prevent him from harming himself, too. Same with sis. Her bitter words hurt her. Same with mom.

With warmth,
Matt

Nicole,

In addition to the other kindly aimed words, consider sitting with the words, see where they actually come from. It may not be obvious, but it seems like he was angry, saying fiery words to hurt you. Open people don’t do that, kind people don’t do that, wise people don’t do that. People that are suffering do that. People that don’t have inner space do that. Angry, vengeful emotions cause those kinds of words.

Said differently, those words were harsh, and have nothing to do with you. They are from him, reveal his anger, his hatred. They reveal his suffering. As you touch upon that, forgive him. Choose to see him clearly, such as a man acting angrily, and then let it go. “Whatever the causes of you laying those words in my face, I forgive you.”

As you choose directly and potently to forgive his tresspass, its gravity diminishes. Mainly, remember, those words aren’t about you. They’re about him, his side, his anger. It’s never too late to refuse his fiery gift.

With warmth,
Matt

JD,

In keeping with the cake metaphor, consider that when you know cake is available, you might rush through the salad or not eat it at all. This leads to an upset stomach. We need salad, cake is a sweet option.

More directly, sexual joy is a bright light, flashy, absorbing, an escape. However, its the light of self nurturing that actually moves us toward happiness. Perhaps as you’ve been having some flings, you’ve not been taking the quiet time you need to process your experiences? To find and open up the quiet warm space inside you?

Most self indulgent behavior stems from this basic root. A sludgy feeling that goes away with a peak experience. Orgasm, cake, etc, cover up the sludgy feeling for awhile, so we jump from one to another. If we sit, rest, unwind, and then follow our inner intuition about what we actually need, the sludgy feeling disburses.

Have you been keeping up with your gratitude journal? Still exercising? Still eating well? Still meditating? Still (insert JD’s path of health items here)? If you’ve been trading some of those to go have some hookups, that might be what’s causing the frown.

With warmth,
Matt

Cyd,

What you’re experiencing is pretty normal, frequent enough it has a pointer called “the Madonna/whore complex”. Loving warmth and sexual passion seem mutually exclusive.

The solution depends on how deeply it goes. Perhaps spend time acknowledging, resting with and accepting that every woman is a balance between motherly and minxly, just as every man is a balance between fatherly and studly. Both are good, fine, fun, healthy, part of the dance.

Consider laying off the porn for awhile, as there is a lot of debasement that can increase the division. When sex gets linked to the objectification form of dominance, it makes it that much more difficult to resolve warmth vs passion.

Consider reading about sacred sexuality. Sex isn’t just a game of boobs and boners and sense pleasures. Nor is it dirty or shameful. It’s a story of polar forces coming together into union, connecting, growing life. Perhaps some knowledge would help pull your perception of sex out of the shadow. If its there, of course.

Finally, this can sometimes run quite deep, so if it continues to trouble you, consider getting some therapy. A good therapist could help you uncover the false belief or other root issue that keeps your energy from flowing more simply.

With warmth,
Matt

Kaz,

How could the you in the mirror not be the real you? Isn’t reality already present?

With warmth,
Matt