Rahel,

Falling asleep is normal, fine, happens in the beginning. Keep going.

TR gave you the gist of 6 and 7. Is the path clearer, now? Try to get to ten three times in a row without sleeping if you can.

And no matter how silly or stupid you think your questions are, they are not, and anger won’t blossom on this side. Your questions are normal, usual, expected. Why would we get mad at a girl looking for peace? There are 3.5 billion, doing just the same. Asking questions, or holding answers. Either way, you’re welcome here, sis. No biggie. If I (or others) don’t answer your question, its perhaps because it wouldn’t make sense yet, wouldn’t be helpful yet. Crawl, then walk, then run, then fly. Natural dharmic process.

Its between you and the cushion, now. Good luck!

With warmth,
Matt

Step 1) Place butt on cushion
Step 2) Rest comfortably, in body and mind, “OK, for now, just this. Set down future, set down past, set down questions, set down thoughts.”
Step 3) Count breaths. In, one. Out, one. In, two. Out, two. Go from one to five, then start again, one to six. Start again one to seven. Go up to one to ten. If you forget what number you’re on, or what number is next to count to (am I on seven or eight?) start again. One to five. Then one to six. Etc. (Ajahn Jayasaro explains this, and more skilfully)
Step 4) Spend one week doing this twice a day, for 15 minutes a session (longer if it feels right, but at least 15 minutes).
Step 5) Keep a journal during this week, when you meditated, counted breaths, what time, how you felt you did.
Step 6) Dont make excuses… when you feel the pull to the cushion, don’t put it off, go. “Maybe I’ll go count breaths now, ummm, nah…” leads to staying stuck. “Ummm… nah… oh wait, I was warned about this, better go do it.” leads to freedom.
Step 7) Write a post in seven days describing where you’re at, then. The questions that remain, seem most important. Choose one, at most two.

Rahel, right now its questions questions questions, flitter flitter flitter, with little space to feel and see the answers you need. Like when trying to create a painting, we have to slow down, look at each brush stroke. This takes space, patience, breath. You don’t seem to have that, which you’ll need, first. Many of your questions and fears will unravel without effort, once you can concentrate a little more, less sleep in your eyes, less needing to “jump away”. Is peace here? Maybe here? Maybe there? Maybe self love? Maybe compassion? Maybe letting go? No, sister, drop them. See step 1.

With warmth,
Matt

Rahel,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how tasteless and dull things can appear, inside and outside. Sometimes when we’ve been through trauma, we turn inward, do a lot of self examination. This can help examine, uproot, and heal old wounds, but it can also lead us to excessive self focus. Instead of gently finding our heart, our tender space, and growing it outward, we start on a quest to vanquish or destroy the piece of us that is holding us back. A few things same to heart as I read your words.

Aside from TRs already loving advice, consider that your mind and body may be at odds with each other, mistrusting each other. Being abused so young, your body perhaps feels as though your mind is faulty, doesn’t guide your body well. Your mind perhaps feels betrayed by your body, for various reasons, including being so vulnerable, so needy. This is normal, causes much spinning, and does settle as you approach yourself with more gentle care.

To get there, though, there is a part of yourself that needs to be reclaimed, that is missing. Its as if an angel came down and grabbed a portion of your spirit, bringing it away from your body, so you would be able to experience the abuse without breaking, without your heart dying. Reclaiming that part of yourself is about accepting that back then, you were helpless. You were a baby, so young, and incapable of protecting yourself. You had little defense against your abuse, either understanding it, stopping it, knowing to stop it, what to do next. Of course you’d be disoriented. Of course you would have lasting effects that would take a long time to understand and heal.

From a different direction, imagine a young tree, a sapling, that had her roots attacked. Not enough to kill the dear sapling, but enough that the tree fell. As she grew, her roots did find soil, but the trunk never righted itself, never stood back up. How could it? Its just a tree. As she begins to talk with other trees, she notices that others are different, others stand up, while she lays down. A standing tree perhaps says “find self care”, “be kind to yourself”, or any number of things, but the advice, the tenderness offered doesn’t seem to help, meant for standing trees. “You don’t understand”, the sapling responds, “I’m sideways, this is who I am.”

And its true, the sapling is sideways, but just as a result. There is nothing wrong with her, nothing amiss. A very natural place, normal, usual. Laying on her side, her roots still found the soil, still found enough nourishment to keep her watered, alive. But her tender leaves haven’t found the sky.

Bringing this back to your specific situation, standing up will be a two part process. Some of the roots have to be trimmed, because they’re holding you flat. Then, as you stand, you have to take time and effort to grow new tender shoots, new roots, while working against gravity. Said differently, you have some ruts of thinking, habits of thinking, and you’ll have to put in some sweat, grit, and elbow grease to grow upward. Form new, healthy habits of thinking.

To clip the old roots that keep you sideways, consider accepting that you are not defined by your past. You aren’t just “some way”, “stuck being this type of person.” Hogwash, garbage. You have habits, sure, much like a woman that breaks her toe has a limp. That doesn’t make her a “limper in a world of normal people.” Rather, she has a limp, no biggie. You have ruts, patterns, that cause you to act predictably, but its not “you”, just a limp. Because it happened so young, the limp seems like your normal walk… but its still a limp. Now just fear of placing weight on that foot. Just fear of trusting your body and mind. To clip these roots, “these appearing ruts will fade” or “the limping is just limping, normal, and I wish to learn to walk.”

The way gravity is going to pull at you is “yes, but I am…” or “yes, but I’ve tried…” or “yes, but I’m different…” and so forth. Basically, you’ll feel a pull to reject and deny outside help. “But I’m used to laying sideways, I don’t know how to stand” and so forth. All just habit, habitual mental processes… you not only know how to stand, but your body is aching for it, calling you to solve it. Your leaves want the freedom of the sky, its part of us, sings to us. This is what puts the pressure to blurt your life story or grab at any open heart.

When we feel an imbalance in ourselves, its very normal to dump/blert/share with on an available person. Dump and dump, telling the sorrows of your story, issues, hopes, dreams. Then, as you finish, you realize what you’ve done, and expect the other person to dislike you, judge you. So you shut out their hug, close off from their heartfelt response. Which is normal, usual, and leftover from the past, when you received some painful deep touches. Part of the limp.

All this being said, the path to healing from this pattern is opening to the world around you in a safe space. When we have a split like this, a body and mind in conflict with each other, we overcome it by slowly, tenderly opening to the reality around us. Set aside the whole “need to heal Rahel” or “figure out the maze of who i am” for a time, and just bring your concentration to the present moment, resting in your perceptions, intentionally moving away from the past and future, into the trunk, into the body.

Consider watching “Ajahn Jayasaro counting breaths” on YouTube. You say you have a still mind, but that’s false. Your mind is very bouncy, low on concentration, flitting here and there and everywhere, blurting, erupting, running away. This is the portion that was hidden, kept safe by an angel. But now, older, wiser, and safer, its OK to bring that back. To bring your attention to where you are, to concentrate again on what is happening around you, within you. Jayasaro describes a method that helps grow concentration, gives the mind something to do that hones, sharpens our attention. Before moving onto other things, this is needed, especially here, for you, in my opinion. Your mind needs to quiet enough that you’re feeling your body, feeling the breath, feeling the emotions that are present. That’s where all the keys are, that’s where you’ll find your answers.

Finally, consider finding a local abuse survivor support group. More than words on the internet, it can help a lot if we find others that have gone through similar things, and struggle with similar results. That’s when you’ll know that hugs given to you are authentic, from a place of knowing you. There are plenty of hands that would be willing to hold yours, but you have to let them pull you along, instead of playing tug-of-war. Growing concentration first will help this, because you’ll be able to choose what to do instead of feeling a victim of your own habits. We can choose to step aside from our past, when we have the space to go somewhere else.

With warmth,
Matt

Haven’t we all!

Caring guy,

Yeah, the hero gets beat down pretty regularly, its something we have to expect, accept, let go. So you failed to stand up for your boundaries in that moment. However, your ex wife’s discomfort is no excuse for her crossing that boundary, sounds like a intentional/unintentional sabotaging your newly blossoming connection. Consider next time “umm back off, they are my kids. That stuff comes through me, to me. Not to the folks in my life. That is not your business. Understand?” or something to that effect. To heal the impact on your intimacy, “hey, I can’t control her, and I’m sorry she did that. I told her to back off, that it was unwelcome. How we choose to be with our children is between us and them. So, what’s next? Want to go dancing?” Etc.

To “find the inner caring guy” that she’s looking for, reconsider the advice to self nurture. The effort of it hones us, so we are ready to be open, playful when its time. What do you do besides her? That’s what needs tending now, lunch will happen when it does. Maybe do a little grooming? 🙂 Clean out your car? Vacuum? Trim your beard? Sort and file? Pick up your guitar? What’s needed? Look around!

With warmth,
Matt

Caring guy,

Time to woo! Come to her as a stranger, appreciative, genuine. Instead of asking “what should I do to win this woman”, ask yourself “what can I do to help her world sparkle?” Maybe flowers, a card, a night out dancing. Help her find her fun, her inner jokester, her playful side, her princess. Chances are she’s scared, not sure if your connection remains warm. Like taking her to a buffet, showing her that you support whatever she wants to have, don’t wish to order her meal for her. Free, loved. You can hold this as a general plan, to prepare for the dance.

While there, just be heartfelt, open. Have some different ideas of what you might like, offer them up, ask her what she wants, any? All? Something different? Just be there, relax, enjoy, play. Its just a dance in the moonlight, after all.

To bolster your inner light, consider some metta meditation. As you sit and intentionally wish for happiness for her, yourself, others, you’ll be less needy, more abundant. Less “what does our future hold, please love me”, more “where do you wish to go, dear queen?” Content that the future is unwritten, knowing what you’d like to see, but open to what others need to be happy, too. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Said differently, working on yourself, being prepared to dance, is about self nurturing. Caring for yourself, eating well, following your heart, cleaning your messes, exercising, helps you remain confident that you’re the prince you are, and then, the song to sing to your princess flows easily, naturally.

With warmth,
Matt

Rewa,

Stop lamenting, foolish girl! Breathe, sit, look around you. Drop the future, stop running there, its empty, blank. Joy is here and now, strength is here and now, and Rewa is not here and now. So Rewa is appearing as weak, stupid, dark, entrenched.

Instead, here, now. Come here. Wake up. Look around. Joy rests in your perceptions, buddhahood a breath away from your mind. Home, abroad, monastery, it wouldn’t matter. Unsettled mind is unsettled mind. Stop trying to escape your karma, just breathe. If you want out, if you want to settle this, become free, its time to break the timber.

Step away, set it down, and aim better. Look for a way that you can make the world a better place, right now, and go do that. And again. And again. Mostly hugs, a little scrubbing here, a smile there. Learn to find peace in generous service. Fake it till you make it, natural dharmic process. Its your way out sister, so stop complaining and do it. Don’t forget to include yourself as a being you tend gently.

Consider “Bhante Gunaratana guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. As much authenticity as you can, like clinging to a raft in choppy waters. Don’t despair, dear sister, I have faith in you, and so do others, seeing you, knowing you, loving you. You have to try, it has to grow on your side. We cant help if you push our love away. Its real, let it in. Others have felt this way, many of us, and sister, I have. Clouds of lighting. Its just empty, fuel, fertility, wakes you up. But you have to try, throw yourself against the fire and pass through it. Don’t be afraid, you’re a Buddha.

Sorry if anything stung, running little low on keys. Feel free to leave an email address, as I can see nothing skillful left to say to you, here.

With compassion,
Matt