Axel,

With boss/employee (or any set hierarchy) there is an unstable ground for the intimacy. Lines can easily get crossed, confused on both sides. Pressures to say yes or no based on various factors that don’t don’t belong in close connection. Plus, in your case, it puts a marriage at risk. Is it worth it? I guess that depends on what you talk about, right? What you do with it? Are you helping one another along your paths, or staring at each other?

With warmth,
Matt

Peace57,

In addition to the other heartfelt responses, consider that perhaps your problem isn’t with the emotions, its with becoming entangled in situations, people, ideas. They “stick” inside the brain, causing compression, fast sprouting thoughts that mash together, that seem to take up all the space, all the attention. New stimuli presses up against this pressure cooker, which shoots off angry steam. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

To overcome emotional bursting, consider two separate processes. The first is cultivating the soft heart of compassion, or the tender, open space inside. We can plant, tend, and help grow this space by practicing metta meditation. As we sit and think happy thoughts, wish for happiness for us and others, the mind becomes smooth and peaceful. This helps open up the space, so the events you stress over, lament, and become angry from, happen in a much wider space. Such as, a tree growing in a wide open field doesn’t stress us, takes up space, but there is plenty around it. While a tree growing in our bedroom does take up space, demands our attention.

Over time, the challenges you’re dancing alongside won’t pull you in. Consider “Peace57 works diligently to grow his spacious warmth, and protects that growth by not grabbing on to events that close the space. Except when he does.” There grows a continuity of intention that becomes a new baseline, a new guide. “Today, I shared warmth and friendly feelings with my extended human family, except for a few times when I got pulled in, became entangled. No biggie, just some pulling in, I choose to drop the entanglements, move back toward spaciousness.”

What can grow here is a place of resillance to stress, not from strength of mind such as choosing to do a loving action when we feel angry, but instead, a wide space of mind that prevents agitation from compressing. Therefore there is less anger, less allure to respond that way, less pull. The friendliness that grows on the cushion remains strong, such as “perhaps last year, you stepping on my toe would have ensnared me, but here and now, as I see a friend that was just was busy with their journey, its not about me.” and done. Or, “the other artists drive to see their creations, their views utilized. We all want that, its not about me, no need to let it corrode my own joy.” Forgive, see clearly, move on. Hey look, sunlight! What a beautiful day to be living through! Toe stepped on “nah, not worth grabbing it, I have the space to hug you despite you stepping there”. Hey look, sunlight! What a beautiful day…

The second process is learning not to jump and diagnose from the uncomfortable places. Not trying g to figure out the anger while angry, not feeling mad that anger is there, not trying to run and hide from it. Just anger arising, normal, usual, it passes, breathe. Just ego arising, self cherishing, normal, usual, beehive buzzing, it passes, breathe. In these moments, you can use a mantra of untangling, such as “Whatever the causes, on their side or mine, that contribute or create the painful feelings inside me, I choose to set down, walk away from, and forgive those causes. May we be free, happy, and peaceful.” This will connect with all the good work you do in meditation, helping to bring the cushion to the canvas. Helping bring your tender heart back to the present, having space to do something different, something new.

Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. If accustomed to breath meditation already, consider “bhante gunaratana guided metta meditation”, instead. The second one bridges better into mindfulness, or attentive mental focus. Much like an artist pays close attention to the colors, images, and mediums used, a mindful person pays close attention to where their attention is really resting, noticing the ripples of thoughts in the mind.

Said differently, and to sum it up, don’t try to stop anger from arising, learn to open the space, step aside from the triggers that ensnare your mind, and the cause dissolves, anger never arises. Anger is too fiery to wield easily, and except in a few cases, isn’t worth doing anything with at all. Breathe, see its impermanence, be done, move on.

Namaste, dear brother, may your path be free of entanglements.

With warmth,
Matt

BB, Jasmine,

“Pain is required, suffering is optional” said one of my teachers. We can’t escape the thorns, such as the emotional pain that demands our forgiveness, but we can avoid the confusion that comes with it. We’ll still feel the pang, the emotional blergyness it takes to wake us up, but then know what to do to heal it, let it go. Next time, pangs less, feel it getting better, become more confident in our heart, and eventually be done with it. We can also become proactive, cultivating cure during our uptimes to use when we meet the challenge. (Such a metta, mantras of forgiveness, etc).

Namaste!

With warmth,
Matt

Axel,

I admire your honesty, and commend the strong intimacy you have with your wife. To be able to have the courage to open up about that to her, bravo!

It sounds like a case of transference and counter-transference to me. You two had a closeness that erupted, and as you moved in to salvage the connection, became in meshed. Consider, you shared a very tender moment of connection, kissing on the forehead, strong emotionally charged hugs. This can leave an impression, a high.

Settling the butterflies, or releasing the sensual lust for your friend, is a matter of accepting the relationship “isn’t that”. “Not mine”. Not in a resistance, such as trying to shut a door against wind, rather in clear seeing, such as wind blowing past a tree. “Yep, oops, no biggie, will fade as I do nothing with it”

The good news is, as the tree remains standing, you can turn and look at your wife, and realize “that’s mine”, such as “my dear, sweet butterfly farm is already alive and healthy, romance and tenderness is between us.”

Consider, our hearts are compatible with many people. Such as if circumstances were different, yeah, you might be able to dance with your friend in that way. But here and now, it would be harmful. To you, your wife, and her, perhaps others. On her side, you’re a tender and loving man, and something she wants to find. Its very normal to have feelings get all confused, turned around. Sweet moments between you, probably some light flirting, and a platonic love. A little spark can set that ablaze, such as her transference meeting your desire to care for her. Doing nothing is what puts it out. Just accepting what you know, letting the giggles remain at home. This will help put it out on her side too. Said differently, see the blip for the normal thing it is, and then do the right thing and set her free (in your mind, intentions) to go and find someone that is able to return that tenderness, because its not you. We both know that.

Finally, try to move your mind where you want your attention to remain. Said differently, thinking lots about this big issue doesn’t really help. If you’re satisfied that you’re seeing it clearly, don’t obsess with why it happened, just move on. Don’t let it pull you back in, no need. Then, next time, maybe don’t sit and kiss her in her apartment? 🙂 She’s a big girl, and its OK for her to cry alone, or reach out to others for support. You have a duty to protect your home, keep the boundaries strong.

Namaste, may the bedazzle fade, with clear seeing remaining.

Sorry if any of that stung, allure can be stubborn.

With warmth,
Matt

Lindsay,

You’re already missing out on “The One”. Lindsay’s it! Said differently, Pete and Shane are helping you see what you like/dislike in a relationship, what attracts you, what you need to feel safe, what you want home to be like. That feeling of home is “the one” we look for, and is something that blossoms inside us. A romantic partner can help it shine, but its in us, is us. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

I’m with inky on this one… set down Pete and Shane, use this conflict to help you figure out what kind of relationship you want, what kind of life you want to have, what you want to see, write them down. Rest with them, add some, scribble some out, refine, examine. If Pete or Shane see similar things, want similar things, and begin to help those mutual desires come true, the repulsion (with Pete) or the need for space (with Shane) will naturally erode. More likely, its time to close both those doors, start fresh. Look around at your life, the earth, the sky, and sing to your dreams, follow them. That’s where you’ll find your prince, singing his song, too… and it’ll be in harmony with your own. A challenging but delightful counterpoint.

With warmth,
Matt

Jay,

Finding yourself isn’t about thinking, its about action. Self nurturing, following your hobbies (or finding them), eating well, finding your space… not thinking “hmmm, where am I in here”. Believe it or not, finding ourselves requires less thinking, not more. 🙂

Consider sitting down and writing out a list of qualities you’d like to have or improve on. If you look around at who you are and what you have, what would you like to see wither away? What would you like to see blossom instead? Who are your heroes? What qualities do they have that you would like to have? Write it out, it’ll help you grow that inner compass, find your “true north”.

Glad your date went well!

With warmth,
Matt

You were together for year. Good luck on your first date!