Inky,

Hugs, and thanks. I didn’t see the poem was written months ago (and now I remember reading it back then too, even remember rolling my eyes and breathing). I can’t seem to stop giggling about it. May 25th. Hahahahaha. It makes way more sense, now. And you didn’t cause my suffering, sister, I have an old trick knee that buckles under me sometimes. 🙂

Kind of like a cosmic spa… a little mud facial can exfoliate old pores. 🙂 You’re still a goddess to these eyes, sis, what a journey! May 25th. Hehehehehe.

With warmth,
Matt

Inky,

Huh? I do those things consistently already, and never flung mud intentionally, and certainly not for fun. This is more about boundaries, such as saying I am feeling this or that. Its uninvited, unwelcome, and inaccurate. If you’re sore from our rocky beginning, sheesh, I meant no harm. Rather, I was trying to help steer the brainstorm away from manipulation, which I explained, and why. And apologized for any sting.

As far as “lighten up”, I’m pretty light. I laugh a lot, play wholeheartedly with my kids, wife, friends, etc. On TB, yeah, I stay more serious, to bring better light. I take what we do seriously… these are real people, on a beautiful, epic, and too often painful and hopeless journey, and their lives matter to me, so I consider, breathe, rest, open, and pour. Perfect? No. Do I think I deserve better than to be poked at? Yep. I’m trying my best, ya know? Helping folks turn manure into fertilizer into flowers, wherever they are, as best I can. Do you feel I sing off-key, am missing?

Did my face turn blue? Not on my side. On my side, it was more like… you put a clown nose on me. Haha, funny enough, my daughter does the same. But then, you say “haha, look he gets so mad when I do this to him”. The clown nose didn’t do that, I’m waaaay more humble than you think. The appearance of an invasive false description did/does feel shitty, like a poke. But I also was the recipient of a significant amount of criminal sexual abuse, so when a boundary is ignored like that, yeah I still canker. Sorry, not fully healed. Still, like I said, you poke onto my side unprovoked, thinly hidden in a poem, I offered a hug, said “punching a teddy bear is bad for your soul”, and let go.

But you just couldn’t stay on your side, had to toss back that “hammer of light” as though you did nothing unskillful. Do you know what happened next? I turned away from hammering back, became entangled, felt invalidated, cried, meditated, offered the exchange to the sangha for help, found forgiveness, blossomed with peace, moved on. You may think you’re a loving being, but you don’t seem to be being loving. At least not in a package digested easily by me. Which is fine, sister, I trust your dance. But do you want to know if it hurts? Yep, I’m sensitive, and I don’t wear armor or run. Will I come back again, tomorrow, try again with whatever you toss back at me? Yep, my roots are thick, resilient in most areas, and my lips, stubbornly, authentically, smiling… confidence in impermanence strong. Even if its just another slap onto my side, as though I’m a jerk? Yep. Why? You’re worth it, seem to want my attention, and what have we got to lose?

You know what would be even more awesome? “Hey, Matt, sorry… yeah, perhaps its good to stay on my side unless invited, I won’t do that again, I can feel how it wasn’t funny for you.” But whatevs, sis, you sing in your language, I’ll sing in mine, and as we seek so shall we find.

With light,
Matt

If you wish to honor your mother, consider giving her a gift that she’d like, rather than giving her a gift to try to change her. Maybe you could dedicate a patch of skin to her that you will never tattoo.

Rahel,

Then consider finding a park or somewhere in nature to meditate. You keep making excuses, have a mind full of excuses, fantasies, fearful thoughts. All false, all unneeded. Much like your cousin is actually willing to show you around, help you, love you, but you have to go to the party. Same with the heart… its paused, ready, but you have to quiet your mind.

Sure, 5 billion excuses why not to, so what? Do it anyway. Fear the party, “oh no, what if my cousin does…” “what if…” “if only…”. Yes, lots of fear, you know you become afraid, make excuses, sabotage your own happiness. Courage girl, and just keep going to the party anyway.

With warmth,
Matt

Because happiness isn’t the end of the journey, its the beginning.

Lol, because they’re your parents, goof ball. Of course they’re right, even when they’re wrong. 🙂 Said differently, of course you have your own journey to take, following your heart… and of course your parents tell you to stand up, sit straight, be better. That’s what parents do!

Denise,

In addition to Inky’s thoughtful and heartfelt advice, consider also stop trying to change your parents. That just never works, especially at 19, after being their baby for many years (and forever :)). Instead, try to accept them as is. Sure, mom struggles, and you can see how needless it is. Even so, its not yours, you can’t help by instruction. You can help by hugging, Inky’s list of kind actions, focusing on growing your own life. You’re sweet, wanting to reach out, but she’s your mom. She wipes your butt, not the other way around. From you, daughter to mother, hugs and appreciation is all she needs. Unless she asks you, but that’s a whole different thread. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Chris,

The short answer to your question “… setting myself up for the same pain all over again?” is no. So huzzah! The bad news, you’ll get some brand new pain! Doh!

From here, it sounds like there are a couple issues. Staying off her side (such as her issues with fear, shame, and difficulty owning her emotions) and staying on your side is extremely important. Meaning, keep looking at what you want, what you have, what you wish to grow, the way you respond and interpret her, and so forth. Those things are yours, they are always on your side. Have to do only with you, and what you’re doing with your time and efforts.

It seems like you’re missing her “lighting up” as she looks at you. Like, she doesn’t seem happy, doesn’t join you where you are, reach across the table and smile that wonderful smile at you. She offers it elsewhere, but when looking at you, the smile goes, and it feels like “oh, this old bastard again.” This is garbage, not true. Consider, if she didn’t care, if the love was absent, she’d do nothing… meet you with apathy, not anger. Its like, whatever is going on for her causes her to wrap her love up in very offensive package, difficult to digest with peace. Not “I’m feeling scared”, which is easy. Rather “you make me scared”, which is not easy. When “I’m feeling scared” is said, perhaps we have a natural inclination to embrace, comfort our loved one, bring their eyes back to beauty, feeling safe. When “you make me scared” is said, perhaps we have a natural inclination to repel, disengage from our loved one, tell them no, that’s not it, that’s false. All normal, usual.

I encourage you to try a different view. Consider that her past, daddy issues, other abuses, have left her romantic heart trapped in a stone tower, an isolated palace, and she needs your help. “You make me…” like a dragon, “protecting” her. Her emotional distance, the lacking in being “lit up”, like her moat. These are defenses, constructed in olden times, and you didn’t cause them, but there they are. Ya know?

The question is really “is your heart up to the quest?”. Can you smile and hug her as she tells you falsely that you are the source of her pain? Can you patiently, gently help her see that she’s safe and loved? That for her to give up some control won’t endanger her? That the whole of her, as is, is accepted? That the bridge between you two is something you wish to build together, hand in hand, heart to heart, exploring?

Sometimes we meet a person, and they are meant only as a teacher… energies just too dissonant to stay together, but we learn a ton about who we are and how we react. Sometimes we meet a person, and it is perfect, such as her stuff triggering your stuff, but both hearts keeping hand in hand, trying to see through the storms. The greatest love affairs take a lot of work, lots of deep passions inspired for playing (intimacy, romance, sex) and cleaning (therapy, head scratching, growing up). The question my teacher asked of me, when I asked him about a similar issue, was “are you both coming to the table?” Her fears, your longing, the family stuff, the relationship stuff… are you two able to put it all out there and scratch your heads, work it through, try to untangle the mess together? Said differently, the biggest issue with couples is often the fear that the other isn’t interested, the blerting and controlling and withholding and blaming and so on indicators of a lack of love. Not so. Those are a lack of feeling of safety, trust. With each other and with ourselves. As we keep coming to the plate, trying again, reaching for our prince or princess, the trust builds. If there’s a hand at the other end grabbing back, that is. Even if it squeezes too tight, its grabbin, ya know?

That being said, she has no obligation to change. This isn’t really “her issue”, though she’s the loud one. 🙂 Consider how you are unable to rest, feeling/thinking/seeing/acting “yes, dearest love, to be scared around family is normal, what a turbulence must be inside you for such actions, such fire. Whatever it is, my love, come home to my arms, there’s no need for the fear, no need for it to be anything but Christmas. Will you rejoice with me? Maybe get out of here for a few minutes, go for a walk, see the stars with me and remember?” Instead “ick, tantrum, how could she spoil it for us like this?” Again, all normal, usual, and part of growing strong of heart. Just don’t get stuck in some delusion that its “her issue”. 🙂 She has stuff, you have stuff.

From your post, she sounds like she’s worth the quest… the patient journey to see the relationship blossom safely for both of you. But that’s always, and only, between you and your heart. You deserve that “lit up” being offered to you, but its not something that is earned. Its inspired, as she sees that you’re her prince, charming. You might have to make the first move, or the first fifty moves, depending on how many “ugh, what’s wrong with you, be different”s there have been, vs how many “sounds like pain, what’s going on over there, let’s find home”s. Again, not that you built that castle, but you’re in love with someone inside it. See? 🙂

With warmth,
Matt