Mermaid,

Consider asking your boyfriend to give you lots more gentle touching. Its normal to be afraid when we’ve uprooted, moved, because many questions and curiosities, fears and the like. Being in love is like a blossom, but how could it, if you don’t get a chance to relax? Like, how could you just smile and play if you’re scared and in your brain?

If he spends some time being nurturing, and not just verbal assurances, but gentle reaching, caressing, and so forth, perhaps you will get those sweet reminders you need to feel safe. From there, its easy to play again.

If he’s not interested or capable, I think inky’s advice is spot on. Establish yourself, tour the countryside, and so forth. With or without a partner, we need time to settle, be peaceful and play.

Also, if/when he does, make sure you save some of that playtime for just you. Like,if he does helps you relax, don’t just play with him. 🙂 Go explore the things you want to see and do, and if he wants to come too, fine! If not, fine!

With warmth,
Matt

Lori,

You deserve to be sure. Consider that even if he is afflicted with maddona-whore syndrome, it doesn’t mean he gets to do whatever he wants. Much like a person with IBS doesn’t just get to drop a deuce on the dinner table because “I’m just this way.” Consider asking to sit in on one of his therapy sessions for his affliction, so you get a chance to lay out your feelings with an impartial and trained person. No therapist? No psychiatrist? Chances are he is lying, excusing, and actually has “string-along-atosis” or “wanna-bang-alotta”.

If I tried that on my wife, I’d be typing this message with an ice pack on my balls, unless she ripped them clean off. Ya know? If you do decide to stick it out with him, make sure you make him earn your trust, or he’ll never respect you. Why would he? “Sorry dearest, I need to go get some strange. Afflictions are tough, ya know.” You kidding? What are you doing with all your anger, Lori? Eating it? Turning it into “what am I doing wrong?”

Also, if his affliction is real, I’m pretty sure he’d be unable to get an erection while he’s with you. Is that the case?

With warmth,
Matt

Ella,

What a blessing to have such a forced timeout, and to be surrounded by people with such life experience! What a great chance to recalibrate! I hope your breath has returned to its full vigor.

You’re right on to make the little things the big things. Rather than focusing on the results, such as trying to make breakfast the big joy and the job the small one, consider that perhaps its more about the moment to moment decisions as you follow your heartfelt desires. Like, it doesn’t matter what you have for breakfast, what you do for a living, if at each step you follow what seems best, what sings best to your heart. Rather than trying to find the “big choices that make it all peachy”, its more like a million small decisions that make peaches and thunderstorms a wonder of nature.

Its ironic you also feel that pressure from your parents. They have a way of really deflating the wind from our sails if we let them! They don’t clip our wings though, our “taking in their words” causes us to clip them ourselves. Big difference! Luckily, feathers grow back. 🙂

My mom does the same thing. “Hey Matt, compassion isn’t a noble goal, you need to…” and then any smorgasbord of things she thinks is lacking in my life. If I were to bring her words in, trust her wisdom over my own heartwhispers, perhaps I would abandon my choices for hers. Instead, I hug her, thank her for her kind attempts to light my way for me, and watch her drive home. Then, back to compassion! 🙂 Parents might not get the path their children walk, but once we’re fired from the bow, launched out into the world, they also don’t have the same information we do, haven’t seen and heard the same things. This makes them more likely to push/pull us according to their own vision, instead of our own, but that’s OK. They are our parents, and their job is pretty much always going to be to poke and prod. 🙂

From a different direction, consider that instead of trying to find something in the small things, try to just breathe, be mindful, letting go of the past and future. That’s when we stop being so distracted by what mom and dad said should bring us happiness, and happiness blooms quite easily inside us. Then, toast, bagels, cereal, fruit… the content of breakfast doesn’t matter as much as the smiling beauty that is chewing whatever it is.

If you have difficulty staying present, mind sliding this way and that, consider starting a meditation practice. Like letting our parents come, say what they have to say, and go, we can do the same with our thoughts and perceptions. They arise, do their little dance, then go. As we meditate, the space surrounding our thoughts opens up, and they don’t poke and prod us nearly as much. A great starting practice is metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship, and helps the mind become peaceful, spacious, and smooth. Consider “Sharon salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. There’s no need for the criticism to become sticky, from either your parents or yourself. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Sassy,

Its normal to feel aimless when we go through a breakup. Consider leaving the big “who am I, what am I doing” stuff for later, after the sorrow of the breakup isn’t quite as fresh. Meaning, self care and self tenderness are needed now more than ever, and being harsh with yourself, chiding yourself for not being loving enough, or whatever new excuse your mind comes up with :), is unneeded, adds more to your already heavy heart. Give yourself some tender care, and the heart reopens on its own, remembers.

Also, consider that just because you didn’t feel a lot of love for him or him or whatnot, doesn’t mean that your heart is broken. That’s the codependency talking. As though just because a relationship didn’t work out, that it must be Sassy or her heart that is broken. Not so, not so. I’m guessing, but you probably stepped away from your good self care habits? Eating right, sleeping right, taking time everyday to simply relax and let go, unwind, following your dreams that don’t include a partner, etc? Once you stop forgetting that, sacrificing in that way for others, perhaps the coldness inside will stop coming back. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

David,

Dear brother, you are so harsh with yourself! I hear a kid with a good heart that has been snoozing beneath fear. Don’t despair, because we often have to stumble a lot before we find our stride. It may feel like a heavy burden, but its enough that you see it, feel bad, and wish to grow something different. That’s really all it takes.

The rest is just spit and elbow grease. Consider checking out Brene Brown’s ted talk “The Power of Vulnerability.” What I see is perhaps mom’s fear made your risks extra scary. Not only do we have fear of trying new things, but if mom is overly anxious too, each mistake and risk could really weigh heavy. It can untangle, will untangle, as you move forward. Also, perhaps consider picking up a copy of her book “Daring Greatly”. I think a lot of her research, stories and observations will ring with you.

Consider that you do have a dream of who you want to be, or the differences wouldn’t bother you. Being honest, heartfelt, forgiving, loving… your hopes for these things are awesome. Especially because you’re so young to be taking a stand like this! Slowly, gently, move toward who you want to be. Small steps, an apology here, picking up the guitar and trying again after getting frustrated there, paying back your parents for money stolen, volunteer somewhere, etc. Make amends with the world around you, and it will give back kindness and warmth in your heart. Little things, adding up over time, will make a huge difference. The journey of a thousand steps begins with a single footfall, and you’ve already made it.

Finally, consider trying some metta meditation. You’re grieving the loss of your relationship, which will take lots of time and tender care to heal. That’s OK, normal, and usual. Even strong men have to cry it out, emotional pain hurts. Metta can help you from turning too far inward, backward, spinning and swamped in old actions and “who is this David person anyway?”. Its the feeling of warm friendship, and as we grow metta, we grow a deep contentment and peaceful mind. This makes it much easier to face each day freshly, without dwelling in the past. Consider “bhante gunaratana guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. First, we intentionally think kind thoughts. Then we start thinking kind thoughts automatically. Then we start feeling kind feelings. Natural process, simple. If the accent is distracting, consider “sharon salzberg guided metta meditation” instead. Bhante G really holds the listener’s hand, helping to guide and explain what to do with our unkempt mind, but can be difficult to follow if we’re unused to paying close attention.

Don’t worry friend, peace is inbound if you keep walking in such a great direction. Seeing is the first step in changing, and you’ve done a lot of the painful work already. From here, its just spit and elbow grease. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Popi,

You’re welcome! Yeah, the metaphor is just a metaphor, but its the heartsong, the attitude behind it that is true. I can see your crown clearly, can’t you?

Without metaphor, perhaps “what i see is your self-confidence is right there, obscured by your fear that you don’t have any self-confidence.” But that is boring to say, and perhaps boring to hear… too dry. We get so wrapped up in “ohmeohmy” sometimes, that we forget to play, to dream. 🙂

And, that’s wasn’t strength I gave you, dear princess, just a reflection of yourself. Said differently, perhaps you’re feeling your own strength from seeing yourself a little better. Fears sometimes make our eyes squinty. 😛

With warmth,
Matt

Popi,

If you’re looking for some meditation help, consider a local Buddhist sangha. They often have low cost or free classes, as well as group meditation. All good stuff.

Popi, it sounds to me like this push toward FB is you trying to find something in yourself that you’re missing. Consider, perhaps when you were close with him, you felt like a princess. Now, when you feel lonely, perhaps the ache for FB is the ache for yourself, that feeling of being a princess again. So when he posts “I love…” you imagine yourself as that object of his love. When he posts “I miss…” you imagine yourself as that object of his longing. As though he gives you that feeling.

But Popi, dear sister, he doesn’t give you anything. That feeling inside yourself is yours… you’re only stuck letting him inspire it, falsely thinking that its a prince that makes the princess royal. This is false. You were born royal, have always been royal, and can’t be anything but royal… no one can give or take that from you. Said differently, when you wash the dishes, it is a princess washing dishes with a quiet mind. When you are doing laundry, it is a princess doing laundry with a quiet mind. When you are checking FB, it is a princess checking FB with a busy mind. Busy looking for him, the feeling, the knowing that you’re a princess… perhaps scared, mad, sad, that he’s not helping you see that anymore. Its OK though, just head to the mirror, sister, and there you are! Perhaps you’ve just been a little too busy looking everywhere for someone to give you your crown to notice its been on your head the whole time!

With warmth,
Matt

Diego,

In addition to Will’s kindhearted advice, consider talking to the instructor about your knee issue, the nature of the class, and so forth. Some yoga classes are stretchy and bendy, some are more aimed at helping us understand the energy of our body. Plus, yoga with a knee issue isn’t a deal breaker, there are often alternatives for such circumstances. Consider, you could check with your doctor and the instructor, and even if its recommended that you do not participate, you’ll win some brownie points with the GF, and find out more about the class. Win-win! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt