Little Buddha,

There is a difference between complaint, such as rehashing old pains, and unfolding, such as releasing old pains. Both often sound the same, but it depends on what is being done and why. The “shut up and never tend again” doesn’t work when there is a delusion stuck in someone’s mind. Such as “mistakes make us less lovable”, for instance, if unspoken, can eat and eat at confidence. Each mistake keeps stacking up, adding to the weight of isolation. As just a “for instance”. In sharing, we find we are not alone, we are not uniquely flawed, we are not swamped or broken by our past and many other good qualities.

That being said, there is something to say about moving our mind away from the past, such as not drinking from a bitter well. Not just reliving the emotional pain over and over, but feeling it, meeting it with spacious compassion, and the well stops being bitter. Much like if our mom hurt us, just never thinking about mom doesn’t work, its too primal. But, if we find compassion for our mom, and ourselves, accepting the pains and letting them go, then thoughts of mom become less bitter. Talking a out it helps us get there, which in my opinion is needed, first. Otherwise it stays bound up, ready to trigger.

The way this question cleared for me was seeing it like a person walking with shoes that are too tight. It does no good to ignore the pain, just try to walk away from it. They follow him around. If he opens up, talks about his pain to people that are caring, they may notice those shoes, and then help him loosen them or remove them. That’s when putting it behind us is good. Rather than “oh, I can’t believe someone put those shoes on me” or “let’s get those small shoe makers” or “how could i have not seen..” or whatnot. Unneeded, just be glad the bruises are healing and keep walking.

As far as “what to say” if someone asks you how you’re doing, just do what feels best. Most people say “how are you doing?” without wanting to know your life story, its more like a smile or courtesy. Saying “well”, or “good” or whatnot isn’t false even if you’re feeling low, its smiling back. One teacher said “sometimes we smile because we are happy, and sometimes we are happy because we smile.”

With warmth,
Matt

M,

You did what you could, friend, let her go. She has a lot of stuff she’s not approaching, and won’t until she’s ready. Fighting for love is like screwing for chastity.

Don’t let her offload her actions onto your shoulders. Such as “take antidepressants so my yelling doesn’t bother you.” Do you see how messed up that is? Like, “I just shoot guns at people, that’s my thing, so you have to wear protective gear.” Ummmm, no. Not yours.

With warmth,
Matt

Parth,

His ineffective strategies aren’t really the “step one” issue, right? The victim parth, the agitated parth, is. His skillful or unskillful qualities are his business, and he has no obligation to change them. But, yes, his behavior sounds pokey, which isn’t typically good for us. Again, though, this is like judging a cat for being a cat, as soon as you entertain “well, he shouldn’t…”. The truth is, he does, and he does for some kind of reason. You have no obligation to understand, accept, or change those reasons, or invite him in, that’s between you and your heart, what feels best for you.

As far as being invaded more, such as, if he comes to dinner, perhaps he’d be more agitating… its true. But that’s what family does to each other, you know? I have an uncle that pushes tons of buttons in all of us, and because he’s family, we feel comfortable telling him to shut up if he’s being a jerk. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t, but we never feel like a victim. See? 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

parth,

Welcome to the community! What is it about Mr K that intimidates you? How does it tie into “the evil eye”?

Irritation teaches us equanimity, if we let it. Like, why give his pokey questions a second thought? What’s the fear? Whats the feeling?

With warmth,
Matt

Whit,

It seems like you have a tasty three layer cake baking. The first, his relationship to his female friend and the insecurity that very naturally brings to the relationship. The second, the mental running that happens alongside the insecurity. The third, the animosity or discontent you have for your own mind because it runs.

For the first, trust is something that builds and erodes with time. The somewhat rocky start to the relationship very naturally leaves trust a little shaky. Life isn’t always a pretty fairy tale, and sometimes even great relationships start with some fumbling around. To work on trust, its a mix between patient communication, understanding and time, in the relationship. Outside the relationship, learning to trust yourself that even if things go sour, you’d be OK. You’d grieve, it would suck, and so forth, but you don’t need him to be happy, to be stable. Self nurturing does that for us. By taking time to give ourselves tender attention, such as taking a bath with candles, listening to soft music, doing yoga, and so forth, we can accept and know that we can find our own peace, independent of the intentions and dedication of our partner.

That being said, if his texts are leaving you feeling poorly, why does he keep doing it? Like “she needs a friend” overrules your feeling of safety? Why is that worth it to him? When I met my wife, she had reservations about my connection to an ex. My teacher said to me “sure, she feels jealous, and that is on her. But why bring that challenge home? Is the friendship with the ex really worth that?” It wasn’t, and I haven’t talked to her since. You see?

For the second, consider that it is natural to have thoughts surrounding insecurity. Like an uncomfortable mystery, that the mind tries to solve. But, it can’t, too many pieces, too much unknown. So it runs and runs, looking, seeking, grasping, imagining. Instead of jumping on the thought train, letting it drag us around, we can notice its happening, and be gentle with ourselves. “Ah, yes, insecurity, unknown, fear.” As we rest with the emotion, accept the vulnerability as part of loving, the mind gets less jumpy, less dominoes fall, less effort is expended in the mind chasing and jumping at shadows. That’s when the desire behind the fear, such as “wow, I really want this relationship to work out” is seen, rested with. Then, what does that look like? What would “working out” be like for you? Keep your attentions there, and it becomes easier to grow that with him. Of course, he has to show up too, but that’s up to him and his heart.

The third, the “I know I’m a bad person, because…” and “my mind is my worst enemy”, consider being more gentle with yourself. We all do the best we can with the pieces we have, and your mind isn’t evil, your choice to stay in contact with your boyfriend doesn’t make you a bad person. Just a normal person, with a normal mind, fumbling around for answers and happiness like everyone else. So be kind to yourself, you deserve it! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Stephie,

It is very normal to have a moment like this, where the old path seems not to fit, not to bring satisfaction. However, the unknown of changing direction is also scary, it removes that safety net, like the shell cracking open on a baby bird, or a seed germinating. In the shell feels safe, but also confining.

As we question here, look more directly at how to grow a path that gives us that sense of inspiration, of appreciative joy, of friendship, first we have to come to accept that fear of the unknown. Not running from it, wanting it to be gone, wanting the net back, but simply accepting that the unknown could bring anything, and not knowing “the next thing” brings anxiety.

But then we can befriend that anxiety, sit with it, nurture ourselves, make space around it. Not let it pull us in, such as following a train down the tracks. Rather, we notice our fear, the feeling of groundlessness, and turn toward self nurturing. Letting go of the inner push to “find the answer, find the next step”, and make the nurturing the next step. Setting down the plans for the new path and the results of the old path, and just resting, relaxing. Perhaps hop in a tub with candles, meditate, do yoga, walk in nature, or anything that helps us relax, wake back up, reconnect with our inner happiness.

As we do this, the big questions are answered through little actions. Rather than “plotting a major, epic course change”, we naturally begin to notice where our unique skills can help ourselves and those around us, and move toward that, follow those heartfelt inspirations. That’s when we rest comfortably with who we are, and where we are. Be it web development, or any other career that you feel drawn toward. There will be Stephie, smiling, caring for herself and the world around her.

With warmth,
Matt

Heather,

Well said!

For the Oprah thing, it reads to me as “gosh, I bet there are lots of people who go through that, you’re not alone!” And no need to apologize for getting defensive… if you’re a bit tender, its understandable. But sister, you really are shining brightly! Thanks for sharing, shining. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Heather,

Your sharing seems beautiful to me, and I read Ayesha’s message differently than you. It read to me as “I’m straight, and your story is still really inspiring to me.”

I don’t speak for the TB community or anything, but I have no doubt that your truth shared here is not only welcome, its appreciated, respected, and your courage, inspirational. Keep smiling that inner smile, dear sister, its radiant!

With warmth,
Matt